Wings of the Wicked (30 page)

I looked around me at my friends’ smiling, laughing faces as I leaned heavily against the short wall holding all the bowling balls. I didn’t even know what I was doing here. Grabbing my purse, I went up to the shoe rental and returned the bowling shoes for my sneakers. As I walked away, I bit back a sob and a pang of nausea in my gut. The nausea became overwhelming, and I hurried to the restroom, determined not to throw up in front of everyone. I burst in and threw myself into a stall and locked the door behind me. Instead of getting sick, I sat down on the seat and buried my face in my hands. I took long, deep breaths, trying not to cry.

I didn’t want to hurt any more people I loved. I was a target and anywhere I was could potentially be ground zero for a battle. If only I—

The restroom door opened, and voices and footsteps echoed off the walls. They rustled around and stopped in front of the sinks.

“A nutjob for sure,” one girl exclaimed.

A second girl laughed. “How do you know? Have you even talked to her once?”

“Well, her dad killed her mom,” the first girl said. “So the crazy has got to be genetic.”

I swallowed hard and felt an icy rush as the blood drained from my face. My pulse hammered through my skull.

“Is that seriously what happened?” a third girl asked incredulously.

“Oh, yeah. My uncle is a cop, and they’re looking for the dad. He says they’ve been talking to the FBI. It’s that serious.”

The second girl loosed a long whistle. “Wow.”

“What was her name again? Emily something?”

“Ellie Monroe. She’s that girl who got so wasted at her birthday party that she drove her car through her house and almost died or something. But her parents just bought her a brand-new car to replace the one she totaled, because she’s so spoiled. If you ask me, she’s probably what drove her dad to kill her mom. He probably killed himself, too. Can’t blame him.”

My stomach heaved over and over, but nothing came up. I wasn’t crying yet, but if I stayed there another moment, I’d start screaming. I shot to my feet, disoriented, and fumbled with the lock a moment before giving up and snapping it completely off the door. I burst out of the stall and rushed past the girls. They gasped and cried out, but I didn’t look at any of them. There was no more keeping my head held high. I couldn’t face them or anyone else.

Outside the restroom, the crowds and music made my head spin. I was a complete mess. I had to get out of there. If Merodach and Kelaeno found me in this state, there was no way I could fight and protect my friends. I would get Will killed.

I had a terrifying thought: The demonic reapers had probably followed Ava and Sabina here. Ava had to be smarter than that, but I couldn’t take the risk. I couldn’t stay any longer and get anyone else I loved killed, even the strangers or those nasty girls in the restroom. I had to leave.

“Life is difficult, and sometimes we must make difficult decisions to protect the ones we love,”
Nana had said to me earlier tonight. She was absolutely right. It was time for me to make a difficult decision, whether it was right or wrong. At this moment, it felt like the right decision.

I caught a glimpse of Will out of the corner of my eye. He was doubled over with one hand on the wall to hold himself up, his eyes squeezed tight and mouth open in physical agony—as if someone had slammed him in the chest with a hammer. I stopped in the crowd, staring at him as he struggled to right himself, Ava’s hand on his back, her expression full of worry. But he pushed her away and forced himself to stand tall as he searched wildly over the heads of my friends and classmates, looking for me. Then he barreled through the crowd, spinning and turning in every direction, calling my name in a fearful voice. I studied him, perplexed, and the truth of what I’d just witnessed hit me like a truck. He always knew when I was upset or in pain. Our bond, the magic that I’d put into his tattoos binding him to me, our bond that allowed him to know what I was feeling … he always knew I was in pain because my pain caused
him
to hurt. The agony I felt at that moment spilled into him, making him feel through pain what I felt emotionally. I did that to him. I caused him pain. I was cancer, a disease on everyone who knew and loved me.

I ducked behind a wall before he saw me, and I took a deep breath, drawing in as much of my energy as possible and pushing it down until he couldn’t sense me. By suppressing my power, I could hide it from him and ultimately hide
myself
from him. I couldn’t have him following me.

I kept my head low and my hair over my face as I pushed my way through the crowd and ducked out the front door. I got in my car and I was gone.

Alone.

21

I WAS NUMB AS I DROVE BACK TO NANA’S WITH NO intent to stay. I entered the house as quietly as I could and went straight to the guest room. With my duffel bag mostly still packed from the move, I hurriedly shoved a few more things into it before heading back out to my car. I drove somewhere I knew no one would find me, to the north side of town, to a park I’d been to with my parents a few times when I was little. It would be empty in the middle of winter and after dark, and I could avoid any contact with anyone, especially humans. I parked my car in the lot of an empty grocery store where it would be safe, and I walked beneath the lightly falling snow and lonely streetlights. A couple of cars passed me, and that was it for company. I relished the solitude and didn’t care that it was cold. When I got to the park, I trudged to its center and found a wrought-iron bench beneath a snow-covered tree and a single lamppost. I plopped down and immediately began to cry.

“This is a surprise,” said a voice to my side.

I jerked, startled, and looked up to see Cadan standing next to me. I wiped my face with my sleeve and made a very unladylike sniffle. I peeked at him and saw that he was staring at me with his head tilted curiously. “What do you want?”

“Did you even have a plan when you ran off?” he asked. “Where are you going? Do you even
have
a place to go?”

I snarled and wiped at the fresh tears on my face before they froze solid on my skin. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s no mystery that you’re very upset,” he said quietly as he sat beside me. “And your Guardian’s presence is nowhere to be felt. That is not a good sign.”

“Well, it’s nothing,” I snapped, and turned my gaze to the ground. “And you can go away now.”

“I don’t think so.”

“That was an order. I wasn’t asking for your opinion.”

“That doesn’t work on me, love. I’m not your Guardian.”

“Thank God for that.”

I expected a sharp retort, but he just looked at me. “I didn’t come here to fight with you,” he said.

“And I didn’t come here hoping to see
you
.”

He gave me a patient look. He seemed to tell by my hostility that I wasn’t in the mood for his jokes. At least he was smart. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I know what happened.”

I turned on him, snarling. “You don’t know shit.”

He narrowed his eyes, and fire flashed within them. “Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.”

The harshness in his voice surprised me. I didn’t expect him to say anything like that. Perhaps I deserved it. My gut twisted in a rage at the thought of the demonic reapers gloating behind my back. “Come to rub it in then?”

“I’m not your enemy, Ellie.”

“Aren’t you?”

He was silent.

I ground my teeth. Part of me wanted to fight him for the sake of fighting, but it’d do nothing to get me my revenge. “Why are you really here, then, if you already know what’s made me so upset? Do you want to tell me how sorry you are, or do you have another present from Bastian?”

He flinched and his gaze faltered. “I had nothing to do with that. I didn’t even know about it. If I had known what was going to happen, I would have done something to prevent it. I’m trying to help you.”

“You have nothing to do with everything, don’t you?” I snapped callously.

“I’m not going to take any of your crap, you know.”

I looked over at him, my mouth parting in shock. He had the nerve to talk to me like that?

His eyes were bright and gleaming, honest. “Your guard dog might be okay with getting bossed around and talked down to—”

“I don’t talk down to Will.”

“Oh?” He put his arms up on the back of the bench. “You sure about that?”

I opened my mouth to retort, but I had nothing to say.

“I’m sorry,” Cadan said.

I sighed. I had no right to be upset with him, since he was right, after all. “It’s fine. It’s all my fault anyway.”

“No, it’s not. The blame belongs to those who want to destroy this world and everyone in it.”

“I’ve managed to make Will hate me,” I grumbled. “I’m sure my grandmother thinks I’m a delinquent. Lauren’s petrified of me, and Nathaniel thinks I’m going to snap and kill them all … which I probably will.”

“Nah,” he said. “You’re not crazy.”

I huffed. “You haven’t seen me at my worst.”

“I’d still admire you for exactly what you are.”

“Don’t speak too soon.”

He smiled. “We all have our imperfections.”

“Most people’s imperfections don’t involve going berserk and trying to kill the people they love.”

He was quiet for a moment. “You have a lot more to deal with than most people. Nobody is like you. No one else is what you are, or has ever been what you are. You’re changing, trying to adapt to this world.”

“That’s not an excuse for me to let my power control me. There’s no excuse for me hurting innocent people.”

“True, but we have to try and understand you,” he said thoughtfully. “You are a being of two worlds, Heaven and Earth. What you’re capable of could be limitless. It’s not a question of
if
you can control your energy. Your body is human and your power is archangel—the most powerful being ever created. Something conflicts. An archangel was never meant to live as a human girl.”

What he said was almost exactly what Michael had told me when I asked him why I lost myself to emotion and to my power. Maybe he and Cadan were right. “There’s something wrong with me.”

“No,” he said softly, reaching forward to slide his fingers along my jaw toward my chin. The gesture was soothing, and in the frigid cold, his hand was surprisingly warm. The cold never affected the reapers. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Through your lifetimes, your humanity has grown stronger. Your human passion is taking over your angelic heritage, and I don’t think it knows how to handle all that divine power. Once you understand and can balance the two sides of yourself, you will be unstoppable.”

I looked away from him. “If Bastian doesn’t find a way to destroy my soul first.”

“I’m sorry for what he has done to you,” Cadan said. “For everything that he’s done to you. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to kill him, but for you, I’d try.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.”

He let out a long breath. “But I feel responsible. I should’ve done something sooner,” he said earnestly. “I wish I’d known that you aren’t some awful thing who only destroys. Maybe this would all be different.”

“I don’t think Bastian would’ve listened to you if you had tried to reason with him. He’s out to kill me for good. He’s pretty dead set on it, actually, if you’ll pardon my morbid pun. God, I’m making fun of myself dying. I am so screwed up.”

He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

“I
do
understand, Ca—”

“He’s my father.”

I stared at him, unsure of what I thought I’d just heard him say. “What?” was all I managed to articulate.

“Bastian,” Cadan said. “He’s my father.”

“Oh.”

He picked up my hand carefully and studied my skin, touching each of my fingers with a gentleness that entranced me. My fingers were feeling less numb from cold by the second. I couldn’t look away, though I knew I shouldn’t have let him touch me so much. But for some reason, he was comforting.

“I should have said something to you sooner,” he said. “I didn’t think if you knew that you’d trust me.”

I didn’t speak for some time and just sat there processing. “He would kill you for helping me?” I asked. “Even though he’s your father?”

“Of course.”

I looked up to meet his gaze. The fiery opal flecks in his eyes danced and glimmered, like sunlight hitting newly fallen snow. I didn’t understand how something so dark and wicked could create something so beautiful and kind. Cadan was by no means harmless, but he was gentle with me. I trusted him.

“I didn’t betray you,” he said. “I’d never betray you.”

“The guys in my life have too many secrets,” I said distantly.

He laughed and touched my cheek with the back of his hand. It seemed that he took any opportunity to touch me, and with the awful way I felt, I ached for any source of comfort. “Maybe you are just terribly imperceptive.”

“That could be it.” I laughed and wiped at a tear beneath my eye. “You boys are always confusing the hell out of me.”

Cadan smiled with the warmth of amusement and fondness. “I never thought you’d be like this.”