Wings of the Wicked (31 page)

“Like what?”

“I hear stories of you,” he said, “of your violence and ruthlessness. But you’re just a girl—a very beautiful, vulnerable girl.”

Being called beautiful was one thing, but I couldn’t afford to be weak. “Thanks, but I’m not vulnerable.”

“You are,” he insisted softly. “And I think it may be part of the reason why I’m so drawn to you. I am utterly enthralled. You’re innocent, so unlike the beast you’re said to be. Ellie, you have this softness about you that I could never dream of damaging. It would be like stomping on a flower. What would be the point?”

I almost laughed. “The point? How about the fact that I kill the demonic? Why would you
not
want to destroy me?”

“You’ve never once tried to kill me.” His statement was matter-of-fact, as if he were telling me something as mundane as the weather.

“Why did you save me from Ivar?” I asked. “Why did you kill her when you’re supposed to be on the same side?”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Because she would have gone back to Bastian and told him that I’d been to see you. He’s suspicious enough of me already.”

“But Ivar was in love with you,” I said. “I’m sure she would have stayed quiet if you’d asked her to.”

He shook his head. “No. She would’ve thought nothing of using me to look better in Bastian’s eyes. She never felt love for anything, least of all me.”

“Because she’s demonic?” I asked. “If that’s the reason, then I’d like to know why you’re so good to me.”

He leaned toward me and rested his elbow on the back of the bench. “I’m not wholly what you think I am.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, very aware that we were only inches apart.

His smile then was smooth and warm, like white chocolate melting in my hands. He brushed my hair back over my shoulders. The snowflakes landing in my hair were tangling it. “You’re putting yourself in a dangerous position, being out here without your Guardian.”

“I can take care of myself,” I said, noticing how he’d avoided my question.

“You have to admit, that’s a lot easier to accomplish when he’s with you,” he noted, his eyes on the bare skin exposed after he’d brushed my hair back.

“Why would you say that? You hate Will.”

“I don’t hate him,” Cadan mused, rolling the words around on his tongue as if to taste them. “He’s in love with you, too.”

I froze and stared at him as he continued to look at my neck instead of my face. I didn’t think he breathed for that entire time. His body grew more tense the longer my eyes were glued to him, and at last he swallowed hard and looked into my eyes. The look he gave me was an intense mixture of shame and a desire for approval. He knew that I understood what he’d said, but I didn’t see regret on his face.

“That’s not very smart of you,” I said slowly.

His lips curved sensually, and his fingers trailed along my jaw as he looked down at my lips. “I could do worse.” And with that, his confidence had returned.

I barely noticed the snowflakes falling around us anymore. “What could be worse than being in love with your enemy?”

“Acting on it.”

He was suddenly even closer, though it looked like he hadn’t moved a muscle. His scent and body warmth wrapped around me, and it felt so safe and good here with him on the bench. His mouth couldn’t have been six inches from mine, and my heart pounded harder and harder. His opal eyes were so bright that I almost had to look away. It was strange how these reapers’ eyes gave away their emotions so clearly.

“That’s true,” I breathed, and swallowed. I knew what he wanted to do, and I wasn’t entirely sure that I didn’t want him to do it. “But Cadan …”

His hand brushed my cheek and his fingers slid into my hair. His gaze searched every last inch of my face, maybe looking for a sign in my expression that told him to stop. He leaned so close that I tasted his breath on my lips as my own caught in my chest.

“Cadan, I can’t—” Will’s face flashed in my mind, and the memory of him made my skin burn like acid everywhere that Cadan touched me. I peeled away from Cadan, and he stared at me with broken eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, and it took several tries for the words to come out.

“That was a terrible idea,” he said almost breathlessly. “I am so screwed.”

“Cadan,” I said, having no idea what to say to him. A demonic reaper had just tried to kiss me. I didn’t know him that well, but I trusted him. Something about him reminded me of Will, but at the same time, they were nothing like each other. They were both the opposite of what they were supposed to be: Will was darkness and strength and determination, and Cadan was like sunlight. Refreshing and golden. And right now, I needed anything but more darkness in my life.

He gave me such a sad look that I reached up and touched his cheek and his ear and the silk of his hair, just to make sure the strands weren’t spun from gold. “I can’t have you, can I?” he whispered.

I frowned. “Cadan …”

“If you say my name every day until I die,” he said with a gentle laugh, “then even the worst ending for me will be a joyful one.”

I smiled and kissed him on the cheek. He lowered his head until it rested on my shoulder, and I stroked his hair. Everything about this was so strange, and yet so comforting. But even though I needed some sort of kindness, I had a feeling that he needed it more than I did. I held him, felt his breath on my shoulder beneath my coat, felt his hand lightly on my arm. This is Cadan. The thought ran through my mind a hundred times, and still I couldn’t fully comprehend it. Bastian’s son.

He sat up and looked into my eyes, his gaze deep and drilling. “I’ll do anything for you,” he said, his voice husky and earnest. “I’ll kill Bastian. I’ll even leave you alone if you want me to.”

I exhaled. “I don’t know what I want.”

He smiled. “You and me both.”

I studied his face without speaking for several moments. This time with him was exactly what I needed. “Thank you, Cadan. You saved me tonight.”

“Go back to your Guardian,” Cadan said, his smile faint and longing.

I didn’t want to, but he was right. If I died without ending any of this awful mess, then my parents would have died for nothing. Will’s pain would have been for nothing. And I couldn’t let him or Nana down.

I got up and stood in front of Cadan, looking down into his face. I ran my hand through his hair, and he closed his eyes just for that moment. “Good-bye, Cadan.”

His eyes opened again, that crystalline opal fire bright in the dark. “Good-bye, Ellie.”

I walked slowly back to where I’d parked. Now that I was alone again, I wanted to be anything but. What had happened with Cadan churned my thoughts and my heart. He was the perfect comfort at the perfect moment, and I cared for him, but he wasn’t Will. And Will was the only one I loved, despite everything.

As soon as his name echoed through my head, his voice echoed in my ears.

“Ellie!”

I turned my head and saw him darting across the snow-covered street toward me. He scooped me tightly into his arms and sent my body into flutters of joy and longing. I felt every contour of his familiar, warm body through his wool pullover. I ran my hands up his back and traced every ridge and plane, memorizing every part of him. There were holes in his sweater where his wings had grown through. I slipped my fingers through, touched his skin, and I squeezed my eyes shut.

“God, I thought you were gone,” he said hoarsely. “I thought they’d taken you. I couldn’t feel you anywhere. I flew over the city and then I felt you, but it was so small. I thought you were dying. And then I found your car abandoned. Ellie, I thought I’d lost you.”

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice small. “Really. No wounds, I promise.”

He froze suddenly and gave me a strange look. Then the look turned visibly pained. In that moment, I knew he smelled Cadan on me. “Why couldn’t I find you?” he asked. “Were you hiding from me?”

The heartbrokenness in his voice made me feel like the worst person alive. “I’m sorry, Will. I just needed to be alone.”

He didn’t ask about Cadan. He knew, but he stayed silent. He wasn’t going to judge me. He never did. He was perfect, and I loved him so much it hurt.

I started to cry again. “I’m so sorry!” I sobbed, barely comprehensible.

He pulled me closer and made a soft noise into my hair. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be all right. Please don’t cry.”

“Why do you wait for me like this?” I begged, my teeth chattering. “All I do is run away from everything, from
you
. Why are you so patient and just take all of this pain, no questions asked?”

“Ellie …” He looked down and picked up my hands, examining them. He frowned and rubbed them with his. “You’re frozen. Your hands are like ice.” He lifted my hands and pressed them to his lips, closing his eyes and exhaling warm air gently against my fingertips. Everything in me melted.

“I’m screwed up,” I said exasperatedly. “And I’m cold.”

Without another word, he scooped me up and cradled me in his arms. We walked toward where my car was parked. I clung tightly to his shirt, shivering, and when we arrived, he set me gently on the cold hood of my car. My fingers shook as I dug through my purse for my keys. When I found them, Will took them and unlocked my car.

“I’ll drive,” he said softly.

I didn’t protest, and he scooped me back into his arms and carried me around to the passenger seat. I watched him, almost amused, as he buckled me in as if I were helpless, but I didn’t mind. Taking care of me was more than just his duty. He loved me as much as I loved him and we’d been through too much together not to have respect for each other. I’d disrespected him tonight by taking off, disrespected his loyalty and selflessness toward me, and still, even though he should have been furious with me, he wasn’t. He’d carried me when I was tired, cradled me to his chest when I was cold, and now he was buckling my seat belt even though I was perfectly capable of doing so myself. He wasn’t reminding me of how much I needed him. That wasn’t in his nature. Never, ever, in a million years would I find anyone who matched him in any way.

Will took me back to Nathaniel’s house instead of Nana’s. He opened the passenger door and began to carry me out, but I stopped him.

“I can walk,” I said, my teeth chattering as I climbed out of the car and into the bitter cold.

He didn’t contradict me, and he reached forward to take my hand and lead me toward the front door. His fingers threaded through mine as if nothing I’d said or done to him in the last several days had ever happened. Lauren appeared in the doorway, her hand over her mouth. She stepped aside so Will could lead me through, and once the heat of the cozy house melted my aching body, she scooped me into a tight hug.

“We were so worried about you,” she said into my hair. “I’m so happy Will found you.”

She pulled away and I watched Nathaniel step out of the kitchen, drying his hands with a towel. His expression was sympathetic and his small smile was genuine. “Hey, Ell. You hungry?”

I tucked my hair behind both ears and offered a forced smile. “Yeah.”

“Good.” His grin widened. “I made spaghetti and you’re just in time.”

Lauren took my coat and hung it in the closet. “He did something different with the sauce, so you have to tell him it’s delicious even if it tastes like motor oil and oregano.”

I laughed weakly. “Okay.”

“Come on,” Lauren said, and walked toward Nathaniel and the kitchen. “Let’s get some hot food into you.”

Everyone was kind to me during dinner, laughed at my pathetic jokes, and life seemed a little normal despite everything that had happened. I helped Lauren with the dishes as Nathaniel and Will cleared the table and put everything away. Once everything was cleaned up, I leaned over to rest my head on Will’s shoulder and yawned.

“You doing okay?” he asked as he bent his head to look into my face.

I gave him a little smile. “Just sleepy. It’s been a long day.”

“I’ll take you upstairs.”

“Good night, Ellie,” said Lauren.

“Good night. Thank you both.” I waved to her and Nathaniel, and followed Will out of the kitchen. He grabbed my duffel bag off the floor and carried it upstairs with him. When he led me into his room, I chewed nervously on my lip.

“You can sleep in here,” he offered, and dropped my things next to the nightstand.

“You don’t have to give up your bed for me.” My voice was small and quiet.

He shrugged. “Well, there’s a guest room, but it’s not made up and I’m not making you wait until you drop unconscious from exhaustion. Besides, you’ve slept here before.”

I blushed fiercely at the memory of sleeping in his bed. As if he noticed my embarrassment, his gaze fell. After several awkward seconds, he started to walk by me.

“I’ll let you change and get some sleep.”

“Will, wait.” I put a hand to his chest. I wanted to tell him that he could stay, that I wanted him to stay, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “Do you always feel pain when I do?”

His entire body stiffened, and he took his eyes away from mine. “I didn’t want you to know that.”

My heart slipped into my stomach. “But it’s true, isn’t it? I saw … back at the bowling alley. How have you hidden this from me all this time? Why?”

He looked at me again. “I don’t always feel it when you hurt physically. It hits me when you hurt in your heart more than anything.”

I battled a sob that climbed my throat. “I can’t believe how much pain I’ve caused you for so long.”

“Some things hurt more than what my body feels,” he said gently. “I don’t care that it hurts. I can take a lot.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I folded myself into him, and he wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my hair, and that terrible sob escaped me finally. “I don’t deserve you,” I said, burying my face in his chest.

“Don’t say that.” He pulled away and cupped my face in his hands. “Get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning. Good night, Ellie.”

“Good night.”

As he closed the door behind him, I sat down on the edge of the bed. After all the running I’d done, I felt like I was finally ready to stop.

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