Wisdom Seeds (18 page)

“It was okay,” I answered, glad to be in his arms. “I couldn't wait to see you either.”

Jason went back to his car to get a pan of lasagna to put in the oven. Then he played with Josh while I unpacked. We ate a late dinner and then sat on the couch with Josh to watch The Great Muppet Caper.

Jason rented Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark for us to watch after Josh went to bed. I made hot chocolate topped with marshmallows and let him taste some of Mom's sweet potato pecan pie. After the movie Jason told me about his family, his failed marriage and his older brother.

His parents, Dr. and Mrs. Singleton, were still happily married after thirty-one years. His dad was a college professor at the University of Michigan and his mom was a retired school nurse. Jason was very close to his sisters, Maureen and Adrienne, who he said have been best friends all their lives. Maureen had been engaged since Valentine's Day and was getting married in April. He wasn't sure what his sisters were going to do if they couldn't see each other every day. He envied the relationship between them and wished he could have had that kind of relationship with his brother. Phillip was killed in a drunk driving accident two weeks after getting his license.

“We were never really close though.” Jason sighed thinking about him. “He liked getting into trouble and I didn't.”

I squeezed his hand not knowing what else to do or what to say.

He paused for a moment and then continued telling me about his ex-wife.

“Our mothers were best friends and we were high school sweethearts.” He sat up resting his elbows on his knees. “We were voted the Most Likely to Get Married and we did. She went to Michigan State and I came here to OSU, but we continued to date. There were flags she was seeing other people – I ignored them. I was the one who played around in high school, broke her heart, and wasn't a nice guy but she stuck with me. Always came back to me and stood by me. I settled down after realizing that I loved her. She was supposed to love me back just because I loved her.” He paused. “Do you really want to hear this?”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head. “I really do.”

“We got engaged at the end of our junior year in college and got married the week after she graduated. We both got jobs in Atlanta and moved there to start our lives. My job kept me on the road – Saundra said she didn't mind. After about six months, and realizing that I had spent most of my time traveling, I decided to surprise her. Saundra wasn't expecting me until Friday night and I went home on Wednesday to an empty apartment. She came in at one-thirty the next morning with her boyfriend who kissed her goodnight in my living room. I moved out of the apartment the next day. A month later I filed for divorce and applied to grad school. That following August I was back at OSU.”

It was five o'clock in the morning by the time we looked at a clock. Jason helped me wash the dishes before he left. Standing at the door, he kissed me. He winked before
driving off.

Jason cooked dinner on New Year's Eve and we went to church with friends to bring in the New Year. Elaine was now living with her boyfriend, Tyrone, and they invited us to a midnight brunch after service. But, by the time church service ended, I asked Jason if we could just go back to my apartment. Josh was asleep and it was going to be crowded and noisy at Elaine's. I called her and we took a rain check.

I made coffee while Jason put Josh in the bed. We settled on the couch listening to Grover Washington, Jr. Jason had told me about himself and I assumed it was my turn. It was uncomfortable, but I wanted him to know me. I shared with him about keeping to myself as a kid, growing up in the Allen household and my brothers. My memories of Nana brought tears to my eyes and I told him about the wisdom seeds. We both laughed when I told him about the Allen Thanksgiving catastrophe. Then I told him about Greg.

“I loved him,” I admitted feeling embarrassed. “I never felt that way about anyone before him. I believed he loved me, too. I thought we were going to get married.” Jason was staring at me and the shame I felt retelling the story made it difficult to look at him. “I found out I was pregnant after my internship ended. When I told him, thinking he would marry me, he told me he was already married and wanted me to have an abortion.” The tears wouldn't stop and Jason wiped my face with his hand. “He left me to raise this baby alone. I was a fool.”

Jason pulled me into his arms. “We all make mistakes. We make mistakes and we move on.”

It felt good to hear him say that and I hoped he really meant it. I told him about Rhonda, Andrea and Alicia and how I treasured my relationships with them. In the middle of my sentence, Jason got up to change the tape. He put on
Reasons by Earth, Wind and Fire and pulled me to my feet to dance with him. Then he kissed me. Again and again.

“Let's play that again.” He smiled when the song was over. “You're a good dancer.”

“You're a good kisser,” I teased him, “and I don't need a song.”

We sat snuggled on the couch, listening to music and watched the sun rise. That was the first sunrise we shared, January 1, 1983.

My new position as a Graduate Assistant in the Advising Center allowed me to spend more time with Josh. I was picking him up from the daycare at four-thirty instead of six, we were eating dinner by six-thirty and Josh was getting in bed by eight. That gave me the evening to study and to spend time with Jason. By the end of January we were studying together every day and spending weekends together. Sometimes Elaine or Denise would baby-sit so Jason and I could have a real date.

Time seemed to move quickly and in March Jason began interviewing. It seemed that he only talked about jobs in other cities and I was afraid he would relocate after graduation. My feelings for Jason were more intense than I was willing to admit to myself or anyone else. Indecisiveness was reigning over my life because I didn't know if I should take summer classes or go home to Smithtown to visit for three weeks. I was willing to stay just to be with Jason if he was going to be in Columbus. School was secondary.

Jason had gone home for the weekend to help his sister, Maureen, move to Detroit. It was the first Saturday we hadn't spent together – I really didn't mind because I didn't feel well and knew I wouldn't be good company. Elaine took Josh to a birthday party and I went to the campus library to pick up some materials on school law.

“Danielle,” I heard my name called. “Hey Danielle,” she repeated while hugging me. “Are you here for the
conference?”

“No,” I smiled trying to remember her name. “I'm a student.”

“Grad school?”

“Yeah, first year,” I added realizing who she was.

“So how's life? I thought you'd stay in Smithtown forever.”

“Just out here trying to spread my wings and fly.”

“I hear you studied a little more than books in undergrad. I still keep in touch with Kathleen – she told me you had a baby,” she said all in one breath.

“His name is Joshua.”

“So what about his dad?”

“We're not together – I'm in this by myself.” I tried not to sound pathetic.

“Well good for you, girl!” Her tone sounded almost patronizing. “I never thought I'd see the day when you would do something so radical. Is the good Reverend still speaking to you?”

“Of course,” I smiled. “My parents are doing just fine.”

“Well, I'm at the Holiday Inn, here's my number.” She scribbled on the back of a business card. “Give me a call. We can have a drink or do dinner. I'm here until Monday.”

I read the card as she closed the door of the cab – Lisa Gayle, Editor, New York Times. It didn't surprise me. She always had a way with words. Lisa was the smartest girl in the class, the entire class. She told everyone she would be Valedictorian when we were in the eighth grade and I'm sure she was. She always wanted to be philosophical about God and I had no answers to her many questions on things I never thought about. Was Jesus black or white? Who taught fish to swim and birds to fly? How did the writers of the Bible
know God inspired them? Why did Satan get mad at God and turn against Him? Where exactly is Heaven?

Lisa was attending a writer's conference at Ohio State. I hadn't seen her since the tenth grade when her family moved to New York. I was shocked she even remembered my name.

My body ached and I was miserable by the time I got home later that afternoon. I was asleep when Elaine dropped Josh off at six – he was wide-awake and full of sugar. I curled up on the floor in the living room so Josh could play in front of the television. After he fell asleep I took more Nyquil and hoped I would hear him if he woke up.

By Monday morning I felt like I had been hit by a truck. After taking Josh to the daycare I went back home to get some sleep. I set my alarm for three o'clock and wrapped myself in a blanket. The knock on the door woke me at two-thirty.

“Didn't mean to intrude,” Jason smiled as I opened the door. “I thought we were meeting for lunch?”

“I have the flu or something. I feel like crap.” He followed me into the living room and I plopped down on the couch.

“Why didn't you call me, Dani? I didn't call last night because it was late. Do you need anything?”

“Would you get Josh from daycare?”

“No problem.” He folded his jacket over the back of the couch. “I'll take care of him for the evening so you can get some rest.”

“I can't ask you to do that.”

“Then don't ask, I volunteer.”

Jason made me a cup of hot tea with honey and lemon and sent me to bed. I don't remember drinking the tea. It was nine o'clock when I woke up. Josh and Jason were
asleep on the couch. There were toys everywhere.

“What are you doing?” He whispered as I was putting toys in Josh's toy box.

“I just came to check on you and Josh,” I tried to smile. “I'll put him in the bed.”

“No, he's fine,” Jason said getting up from the couch. “He's been bathed and fed. We were just spending a little time getting to know each other.”

“Jason, thank you so much.” I was mindful not to get too close to him. “Were you able to get any work done?”

“Here, sit down.” He motioned for me to sit on the couch. “Let me put him in the bed and I'll make you another cup of tea.”

Jason held me and stroked my hair. At six-twenty the next morning he was still holding me. I got up to start the coffee maker. School Law was not a class to miss and I needed to put in a few hours in the Advising Center. I jumped in the shower and tried to wash off all the Vicks I had rubbed on myself. Thinking about sleeping in Jason's arms made me smile. I was standing at the kitchen sink wrapped in my robe when Jason woke up.

“I know that was a horrible night's sleep,” I said as he stretched, still in his jeans and sweatshirt from yesterday.

“It felt good to hold you.” He hugged me. “Do you feel better?”

“Sleeping in your arms made me feel better.”

He kissed my cheek. “That doesn't have to be the last time.”

I handed him a cup of coffee. “Half and half is in the fridge, sugar's in the middle container.”

Jason left to get ready for the day and I woke Josh for breakfast. I didn't completely feel better, but I felt good inside.

I came to appreciate being a Graduate Assistant even though it was financially limiting. Jason helped by bringing dinner over, cooking at his place or taking us out to eat. Although I never told him, Jason seemed to know I was struggling financially. He offered, several times, to assist me with paying for daycare, however, my pride and fear of needing him made me decline.

The weather was putting up a good fight to hold off spring. It was April, but had been snowing off and on all day. We decided against going out for pizza and opted to celebrate Josh's birthday with his favorite – hotdogs.

We put on party hats while we sang happy birthday. Josh was more interested in opening the brightly wrapped gifts than eating cake. Mom sent two outfits and signed the card from her and my dad. Alicia and Andrea sent a Sesame Street comforter with matching curtains for his room. I used the JC Penney gift certificate from Rhonda to buy Josh several summer outfits. Elaine gave him two books, A Snowy Day and Teddy Bear What Will You Wear? and Denise gave him a container of Lego blocks. Jason bought him a Tonka truck and an Ohio State sweatshirt.

It was almost nine o'clock before Josh went to bed. Jason gave him a bath while I cleaned up and did the dishes.

I was waiting for the teapot to boil and watching a car struggle to get down the street when Jason came out of Josh's room.

“Snow is pretty, but I'm afraid to drive in it.”

“What else are you afraid of?” He turned off the television and sat on the kitchen stool.

“Jason, I'm afraid of us.” I was mindful to keep my voice down because Josh wasn't asleep yet.