Wisdom Seeds (15 page)

I was packing up the last of Joshua's clothes when Mom came into the room. “You need to go to bed, you have a long drive ahead of you in the morning.”

“Mom, I'm nervous,” I confessed putting my head on her shoulder. “What am I going to do without you?”

“You're going to get your Master's Degree and make a life for you and your son – just like you planned.”

“Will you stay with me for the first year?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“No, but I'll be out to visit Labor Day weekend – just like I promised.” She kissed my forehead. “Now go on down to the game room and get some sleep.”

Mom had pulled out the heavy old sofa bed. I was too tired to go back upstairs and thank her. Joshua was spread out in the middle so I stretched out across the bottom.

The morning came quickly and rays from the sun peered through the curtains to announce the beginning of my new life. I looked over at Joshua as I lay there thinking Mom was right – everyone needs family and I was taking Joshua away from the only family he may ever have. I wanted my dad to ask me to stay even though I knew I had to leave.

Rhonda came by to see us off and helped me load the last of my stuff. All my belongings that hadn't left on the truck were now packed in my Chevette. I hugged Rhonda and promised to call when I got settled. My hands trembled as I reached to take Joshua out of my mother's arms. I hugged her while she held my son.

“I love you Mom,” I told her, unable to hold back the tears. “Thanks for everything.”

“You're going to be alright,” she said trying not to cry, too. “I love you, baby girl. Promise me you won't be a stranger with my grandson. Remember this is always home.”

“I know,” I cried. “I'm so scared of being by myself.”

“You're not alone.” Mom wiped my face with her hand. “God is watching over you.” She began to sing Nana's favorite song, “If God's eye is on the sparrow, then I know He's watching over you.” Her voice was beautiful.

My dad unexpectantly interrupted us. “Danielle, we need to have a word of prayer before you get on the road.” He took my hand and motioned Rhonda to join us. “Dear Lord,” my dad's voice lightened, “bless my daughter and my grandson, Joshua. Lord, guide her down the highway, dispense your angels of mercy to go with her and place your hedge of protection around her. Lord God open doors for her in Columbus, place Godly people in her path. Lord I'm asking you to make her heart fertile ground.” It sounded like my dad's voice quivered. “Lord, I've claimed her soul for you – my daughter will be saved.”

Completely overwhelmed by him calling me his daughter and recognizing Joshua as his grandson, I hugged my dad for the first time in years. I wept in the comfort of his strong arms. There was so much that needed to be said – grateful for the moment, I just smiled. Nana was watching from Heaven's balcony and smiling, too.

“I love you, Daddy,” I told him, not wanting him to let me go.

“I love you, too.” He wiped the tears from my face with his handkerchief. Then he took Joshua from my mom and gave him a hug. “You be a good boy for your mom.” It was the first time he hugged his grandson.

I hugged everyone again before putting Joshua in the car. Driving off, I waved out the window while Joshua blew kisses. I cried until I reached the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Saying good-bye was the hardest part of leaving.

My life started over nine hours later when I arrived in Columbus. I called Denise from a gas station and we met so
she could show me how to get to my apartment on Sullivant Avenue. Living on the West Side of Columbus would be a twenty-five minute commute but Denise rationalized the rent was cheaper.

“Welcome!” Ms. Emma greeted me as I walked up her steps. “Welcome to Columbus.”

“Thank you,” I said hugging her.

Denise introduced us. “Ms. Emma, this is Danielle and Joshua Allen.”

“Come on in, let me get your keys for you,” Ms. Emma smiled. “And I made dinner. I knew you'd be hungry.”

I was more tired than hungry and just wanted to sit down. The movers wouldn't be delivering my furniture until Monday and I still had to blow up my air mattress so we would have somewhere to sit and sleep. Ms. Emma took us to the side door and showed me the apartment upstairs. It was a small two bedroom with a living room, dining room combo and a kitchen. The bathroom was inside a little dressing room. It was cute. It was my first apartment. I thanked Ms. Emma as we walked back to the car to get my things. Joshua sat on the porch with her while Denise helped me unpack the car. After several trips, I thanked them both and finally took Joshua upstairs to our new home.

Joshua adjusted to the University Day Care better than I anticipated. On his first day, when I was extremely nervous, he smiled and waved bye without a second thought. When I arrived to pick him up at noon, he didn't want to leave. That was good for him, but I wished he were a little clingy and crying at least during the first few days. My maternal instincts wanted him to need me.

During my first week in Columbus my mornings were spent looking for a job and my experience in Pittsburgh
was an asset. I was offered two positions and took the one at the Neighborhood Youth and Family Center. It was near the University and offered more flexibility. Not sure of how I would fit studying into single parenthood, I needed the flexibility in my job schedule without weekends being required. My weeks would be long and the weekend would have to be divided between Joshua and studying. At least, that was the plan.

The waiting list for parking permits was ridiculously long so I left my car at the daycare every day. Having nice legs was my motivation as I walked across campus. At the end of three weeks, I felt thinner and looked forward to wearing some of the fall favorites that had been neatly packed in my old trunk.

I quickly acclimated to my job and realized there was a critical need for intervention in the high schools – our agency maintained a waiting list for services. Parents, school counselors, probation officers and pastors were calling on a daily basis for our assistance. Omar Powell, the Program Director, was ecstatic; however, the dire need for our services was a sad testament to the direction our society was moving. The gang phenomenon was spreading across the country like wild fire and killing kids, especially boys. Andrea was a high school counselor and I often consulted with her. She admitted that her office was also being overwhelmed by the increasing violent nature of students and schools were not prepared to handle the gang war.

My job was intense but my co-workers were helpful and seemed to appreciate my tenacity. I was ready to add my classes. I was also grateful that Monday was Labor Day.

Mom called Friday night to tell me she missed her bus. I almost cried because I was looking forward to her visit. Josh was sitting on the floor playing so I joined him.
After dinner I put on The Muppet Movie and we fell asleep on the air mattress we were now using for a couch.

My doorbell rang Saturday afternoon. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised that my dad had come with my mom.

“Let me get you a chair,” I said getting my two kitchen stools.

“You need a couch,” my dad smiled. “The first order of business is to get you one.” His countenance was exceptionally pleasant.

I wanted to say you don't have to, except I both needed and desperately wanted one. “We would really appreciate a couch,” I answered smiling.

“Well, it's a couch and then lunch.”

I couldn't remember the last time I had been shopping with my dad and I was grateful.

After shopping, Mom suggested seafood so we found a Red Lobster. It was the first time I had been in one since the last time Greg had taken me.

“How is everything going?” My dad asked as we waited for our food.

“Good,” I smiled, “really good.”

“What about the daycare?” It was only a matter of time before Mom asked. “Does Josh like it?”

“He loves it and it's a nice place. You'll have to see it before you leave.”

“Did all of your financial aid come through?” My dad was extremely paternal and it was weird. “Your mother and I don't want you out here hungry.”

I relished the concern he was showing.

We spent most of Saturday together and I took my parents on a quick tour of the campus. My dad seemed impressed, my mom thought it was huge. On Sunday we attended the church down the street from my apartment and
the service reminded me of St. Luke's. Over dinner, my dad repeatedly mentioned how many young people he noticed at the church and I promised him I would go again. After dinner, we drove through the downtown area.

It was early evening and I convinced my parents to head back to their hotel. Unable to remember the last time they had taken a vacation, I wanted them to spend some time together. Mom promised to stop by on Monday morning before they left.

The alarm startled me at six forty-five and I jumped up wanting to at least have coffee ready when my parents came by. My dad was anxious to get on the road, but they came in for coffee and muffins.

“Keep in touch,” he said standing at the sink, sipping the last of his coffee.

“I will,” I smiled. “Don't worry I will.”

He put two fifty-dollar bills in my hand and squeezed my hand in his. I hugged him.

“Thank you,” I whispered in his ear.

Mom's eyes filled with tears as I took Joshua and hugged her before she got in the car. This time, the good-bye was easier.

Joshua and I ate eggs and sausage for breakfast and then headed for the park. It seemed that many parents had the same idea – get the kids to the park early and then home for a long nap. There were a lot of mom's at the park; still I was jealous of the couples playing with their children. Joshua deserved that, too. He needed a dad that would play with him in the park on sunny afternoons.

My guilt about being a single parent was a major hurdle for me to get over. I wanted so much more for Josh and for me. I wanted us to be a happy family that made many
memories. I wanted to know the love Nana talked about. “God,” I sighed out loud, “can you help me?”

While Josh napped I studied the files of my clients and then we watched The Muppet Movie, again. My son fell asleep in my arms.

My classes were not as hard as I imagined – in fact, except for all the required readings, I found graduate school to be much more gratifying than undergrad. The discussions in class were intellectually stimulating and I appreciated only having to take classes in my major.

By November I was ready for Thanksgiving break. The two friends I had made, Denise and Elaine, were both going home for Thanksgiving to take a break before becoming obsessed with studying for finals. Having no idea of what to expect during finals, the uncertainty was overwhelming. On top of finals, I had put in more thirty-hour than twenty-five hour weeks and the thought of driving eighteen hours for a four-day break seemed self-defeating. I called Mom to let her know we would be spending Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh. This would be the last Thanksgiving with ‘just us' because Alicia was getting married in June.

Josh and I arrived in Pittsburgh around noon on Thanksgiving Day. Driving past the Oakland exit on the parkway, I thought about Greg and wondered if he ever thought about Joshua or me. It crossed my mind that Greg might still be in Pittsburgh. I looked over at Joshua sleeping and felt sorry for him. I had made such a horrible mistake and he would be the one to pay – it wasn't fair. I exited the parkway at Squirrel Hill and detoured down Murray to Forbes Avenue. I had to drive by Greg's apartment – if he was still in Pittsburgh I needed his son to at least meet him.

The same faded blue curtains were in the window, but I didn't see his car. The reality that Greg had probably gone home to the wife who didn't know about Joshua or me was a bitter pill to swallow. If I had had an address, I would have mailed a Christmas card with Josh's picture and signed it ‘your son'.

I cut across Morewood to Fifth Avenue and took the scenic route to Penn Avenue. The branches on the trees that lined the street were bare. During my last visit the trees were full and green. The trees had changed and so had I.

As I pulled up in front of the house, Alicia and Dennis greeted us in the driveway. “Look at this baby.” Alicia took Josh out of the car. “You are such a cutie!”

“Thank you,” I smiled. “I always knew you thought I was cute.”

“Yeah, you're cute, too,” Alicia smirked. “You get your stuff, I have the baby.”

Alicia's fiancé, Dennis, took my bags.

“Let me guess – you must be Dani and that's Josh,”
he said smiling.

“And you must be Dennis?” We shook hands and he took my bag upstairs.

“Where's Andrea?” I asked hugging Alicia after she sat Josh on the couch.

“She went to the store to get applesauce for Josh. Does he still like it?”