Wisdom Seeds (10 page)

On Thursday, I called Rhonda and invited her over for lunch to discuss the job. It was nice day and I set the table on the back porch.

“Hey girl,” I greeted her in the driveway. “Let's go around back.”

“Sounds good,” she smiled. “Is there a blind date
back there, too?”

We both laughed. I sat on the bench and Rhonda sat at the table.

“Rhonda, I'd like to take the job as your Administrative Assistant.”

“Oh good.” She interrupted my practiced monologue.

“I'm pregnant.”

“Oh,” she replied with a look of disbelief. “You're pregnant?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I'm due in April.”

“You don't seem too happy about it.”

“He left me,” I began to explain, biting my lip and refusing to cry, again. “Told me he loved me and left me.”

She joined me on the bench and held my hand. “Dani, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?”

“I just need a job.” I tried to smile and hoped she wouldn't ask any more questions.

“No problem girl – the job is yours.”

On Saturday morning Mom and I went car shopping. When we left Camden that afternoon I was the proud owner of a 1980 white Chevette. I parked in the driveway, careful to leave room for my dad to enter his side of the garage. When he got home that evening he never mentioned the car.

I began working as the Administrative Assistant at Little Wonders Preschool in October of 1980. We started with twenty four-year-olds and by the end of November we had a waiting list of thirty-two. Preschools were new, but the concept was catching like fire. I was happy for Rhonda.

My position evolved into Administrative Assistant/Social Worker and I became Rhonda's right hand. My energy was better spent helping Rhonda to succeed than
focusing on my failure. I worked diligently at my job and assumed the lead in managing the compliance monitoring and social service referrals. What I learned about networking and resources was beneficial to my own circumstances. The WIC program would later prove to be a lifesaver.

Rhonda and I should have been good friends during high school. She probably would have been a very good friend if I had let her in; Lord knows she turned out to be a friend in my time of need. It was one of those hindsight kind of things. I really didn't trust anyone in high school and had locked out a good friend. She might have been the best friend I had always wished for.

By November I needed maternity clothes – which I dreaded. I had done well pretending I wasn't really pregnant and maternity clothes would be a daily reminder.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Mom asked as I was leaving for work.

“I don't know,” I shrugged. “Nothing I guess.”

“Good, we're going shopping.”

“For Thanksgiving?”

Mom smiled. “No silly, for maternity clothes.”

I'm sure she thought I was kidding – buying maternity clothes was the furthest thing from my mind.

The baby department at Sears was captivating. I was in awe of the layette items.

“Do you want a boy or a girl?”

“I don't know Mom. I never think about it.”

“Do you have names picked out?”

“No, I haven't thought about that either.”

“You better start thinking – you're really having my grandbaby.” Mom smiled.

I tried to force a smile, for her.

“Looking for a gift?” Mrs. Walters asked, poking her face between Mom and me.

The town snoop was upon us and the unspoken announcement in church would be that Reverend Allen's daughter was pregnant. I managed a pretentious smile.

“Good morning, Mrs. Walters.” Mom had on her bubbly first lady voice. “How are you doing today?”

“Just fine Sister Allen, just fine. Danielle,” Mrs. Walters turned to me, “haven't seen you in the choir stand since you came back. If you're not interested in singing anymore you know we're always looking for ushers.”

“I'll keep that in mind.” She was standing directly behind me and I couldn't walk away.

“I didn't know anyone was expecting,” Mrs. Walters snooped. “Who is the gift for?'

“It's no gift Mrs. Walters,” Mom was still bubbly. “Danielle is having a baby.”

Mrs. Walters paused, seeming to contemplate a response.

“You have a good day,” Mom told her as she pulled my hand down the aisle. “Usually the truth will shut them up, at least temporarily.” Mom was almost giddy and we both laughed.

Shopping for maternity clothes was difficult. The clothes were ugly, but I managed to buy enough to get through the winter. Mom suggested I do more shopping in February to get through my last few months.

“You'll be a lot bigger by then,” she reminded me.

Before leaving the store we went back to the baby department. Mom and I looked at cribs, high chairs, play pens, strollers, changing tables – there was so much stuff,
and it was all so cute. I couldn't decide if I wanted white or brown furniture so I told Mom we'd have to come back. She agreed and we went to lunch.

Mom sat across from me and smiled. “Dani, it's okay to be nervous about having your first baby. And it's okay to talk about it.”

“I've been trying to pretend I'm not pregnant.”

“You don't have to do that.” She took my hand and gently squeezed it. “Have you felt the baby move yet?”

“Yeah, all the time.” My emotions were out of control and I began to cry.

“The next time the baby kicks will you tell me so I can feel it?”

“It's usually after dinner.”

“And I'll go to the doctor's office with you, if you want me to. I'm here for you Dani. You don't have to do this alone.” She lifted my chin. “Let me help you. I want to.”

“Mom, I'm so nervous about everything. I don't even know what to ask Dr. Thompson. She wants me to go to a Lamaze class – I'm embarrassed because it's for couples. I'm getting fat, I can't stand the smell of hot sauce and I cry all the time. I'm falling apart.” I was whining. “Do you think Nana would be mad at me?”

“No, she wouldn't be mad.” She paused. “And yes, she would still love you just as much.”

I wondered if she was still smiling.

Just as I imagined there was pointing and mumbling as I entered the Women's Sunday School class. Mrs. Walters had done well informing everyone of my pregnancy and my maternity dress confirmed it. Mother Jones
motioned for me to sit next to her as I stood looking for a seat. She opened the class with prayer and told Sister Beth to read the lesson. I was nervous and fumbled through the Old Testament.

Mother Jones took my hand. “You're not the first one, or the last one, to have a baby without a husband. Some of them staring and squawking don't want me to start tellin'it.”

I smiled as she turned to the book of Daniel for me.

Thanksgiving passed quietly. My parents spent the day with my dad's friends in Philadelphia and I spent the day eating and sleeping. Noah called and said he hadn't heard from Joey in a few months. He didn't mention my being pregnant and neither did I – no need to have to go through the whole story. His family was doing fine. Tashika was thinking about getting a job. Noah was still working at the phone company.

Christmas was just as uneventful. We had dinner after church and then my parents spent the afternoon visiting the sick and shut-in members. Rhonda and I exchanged gifts at her house and ate some of the sweet potato pie her grandmother made. Later that evening, I called Alicia and Andrea to wish them a Merry Christmas and thank them for the gifts. Then I ate again and slept for the rest of the night.

We were getting dressed for New Year's Eve service when Joey called. It was nice hearing from him and Stormy sounded like such a big girl to be six. He suggested the family get together for Thanksgiving and I told him I'd work on Mom. My dad would be a task for Mom to handle, especially since he had said very little to me since I announced I was pregnant.

Nineteen eighty-one presented new possibilities. After accepting the fact that I was pregnant, graduate school
still seemed attainable. The thought of being on welfare, even to get through school, embarrassed me – but if it was a means to an end I would do it. My New Year's resolution was that 1982 would not find me doing the same thing – sitting around thinking about what to do.

Mom had told me I would be much bigger by February and my reflection in the hall mirror confirmed it. We took our second trip to Sears for more clothes and I picked white baby furniture. The baby's room would be decorated in mint green and ivory.

“I asked your dad to move my sewing machine and hat boxes to Noah's old room,” Mom told me on our way home from Sears. “That way the baby's room will be next to yours.”

“Do you think he will?”

“Of course he will. He loves you Dani, he's just disappointed.” Mom was trying to be reassuring.

“Thanks Mom, I really appreciate everything.”

“Are you excited yet?” She asked changing the subject.

“Yeah and still nervous,” I admitted.

“I'm excited.” Mom was smiling. “This is my first grandbaby I'll see at birth.”

I hadn't thought about the fact that my mom hadn't seen any of her grandchildren until they were at least six months old. It made me happy that this was going to be special for her – in spite of the circumstances.

Joshua Boaz Allen was born April 5, 1981, three hours after I arrived in the labor suite. I was alone, but pain
superseded my fear. My body trembled so hard that it shook the bed. I was cold but perspiring. My screams seemed like they were coming from outside of me. Panting like a dog was useless.

God answered my prayer when the anesthesiologist gave me an epidural. I didn't know what it was, but he said it would take the pain away so I agreed. My body was exhausted from the two hours of trauma and I closed my eyes to rest. Ten minutes hadn't passed before a nurse came in to check me. She rolled my bed down a hallway and into another room. Dr. Thompson pulled her mask off and told me I was going to be fine. She told me to push. That was the hardest part. Then I heard him cry – so I did, too. It was for real, I was a mother.