Wisdom Seeds (26 page)

Forgiveness. That was the hardest for me. It was easy to believe in a loving God who sent His only Son as the perfect sacrifice for my sins so I could be a joint heir and have eternal life. It was easy to believe I could go to Heaven, sit at the feet of Jesus, walk the streets of gold, and see Jason and Nana. It was even easy to believe I could live forever in glory with no fears and no heartaches. But forgiveness was easier to receive than give. I was thankful for God's forgiveness, yet having much difficulty forgiving others. To be honest, I was still angry with my dad for loving the church more than he loved us. I was angry that Jason and Nana left me when I needed them and some place down in me, I hated Greg.

After the meeting I looked up three scriptures on forgiveness. I wrote them on index cards and put them in my purse.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor,
and though I give my body to be burned, but have not
love, it profits me nothing. I Corinthians 13:3

If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive
us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
I John 1:9

Then the master, after he had called him, said to him,
‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt
because you begged me. Should you not also have had
compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had
pity on you?' And his master was angry, and delivered
him to the torturers until he should pay all that was
due to him. So my heavenly Father also will do to
you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive
his brother his trespasses. Matthew 18:32-35

These scriptures would help me as I embarked on my journey to forgive others. I had yet to learn that my ability to forgive others would help me forgive myself, too.

Josh and I joined Sheila and Shae for the opening night performance of The Wiz. Sydney was playing Glenda, the good witch.

“She is awesome,” I said to Sheila after the curtain calls. “Her dad is really missing out if he doesn't come see this.”

“He always promises to come,” Sheila started to say before being interrupted by Shae.

“Then he makes an excuse and just sends flowers.”

“Shae!” Sheila was irritated.

“He never sent me any flowers,” Shae whined.

I walked away so they could talk privately.

When Sheila called the following Monday evening her voice confirmed that something was wrong. I volunteered to cook dinner and invited her over. She said she'd be by after dropping Sydney off at the school.

“What's going on?” I asked as I opened door.

She didn't answer, but looked at Shae. I took my cue to save the questions for later and invited them in. Shae asked if she could go to Josh's room to play his video game and I said yes.

“Just the game,” Sheila added. “Don't get into Josh's things!”

I waited for Shae to disappear up the steps. “Girl, what's going on?”

“Shae was suspended from school.”

“What happened?” I asked, turning the chicken in the frying pan.

“The principal said she got into an argument with a girl named Yvette before school started this morning. When they went to lunch the argument resumed and ended up in a fight.”

I took the last of the chicken out of the frying pan and sat next to her at the table. “What were they fighting about?”

“Shae's story is that the girl was telling kids on the school bus that she was gay because she's a good basketball player. When the girl kept repeating it, Shae slapped her.”

“Have you ever seen her angry and lashing out before?”

Sheila was silent for a moment and then admitted, “It's jealousy.”

“Jealousy?” Her response shocked me.

“It's been brewing for a while. She doesn't feel like Sylvester loves her and she doesn't know how to deal with Syd getting flowers all the time.”

“What do you mean?”

Sheila was fighting back tears and spoke slowly. “Every time Sylvester sends Sydney flowers or calls and talks longer to Syd than he does to her, it's a problem. Shae is so angry about his refusal to be involved with her like he is with Sydney and the acting out has progressed to this. Shae's been called gay before and usually responds by telling the person that everyone should be happy. She was angry because Sylvester called this morning and told Syd he was sending flowers. Sylvester's never seen Shae dance or play basketball. And, he's never sent her flowers.”

“Have you guys talked to anyone about it?”

She covered her face with her hands and tried to cry quietly. “No, I've never told anyone. It's embarrassing. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.”

I gave her a napkin to wipe her face and hugged her. “Girl, it's not your fault. Do you want me to talk to Shae?”

“I'm not sure. I don't know how she'll respond.”

“I can get her one day this week and we'll talk.”

My heart ached for Sheila. As a neophyte at helping adults cope with pain, I wasn't sure of what to say.

Sheila told me about the pain she'd silently carried for years. Her marriage to Sylvester was complicated from the start, but she stuck with it until she caught him having an affair. They separated for a year and, as Sheila put it, reconciled to make Shae. When she told him she was pregnant, he said he hadn't been back that long and wasn't sure the baby was his. Sheila packed up Sydney and left the next day for her parent's house.

“Sylvester's involvement with the girls has never been more than minimal but it was always more with Sydney than with Shae.” She wiped her eyes with the napkin.

“Do you really think he doubts Shae is his?”

“I don't know what he thinks. I know it's easier to be distant and send flowers with a note than to have a relationship with your children. Syd relishes even the slightest attention from him; anything he does becomes enough even though she wishes for more. Shae is more demanding and would require him to communicate with her and he doesn't want to do that.”

We talked until eight-thirty and never ate dinner. I wrapped some chicken in foil for Sheila to take with her and gave her a warm wash cloth to wipe her face. Her red, puffy eyes were evidence she had been crying – Shae never mentioned it.

“Call me when you get settled. See you later Shae.” I waved as they were leaving.

Josh came around the corner as they were getting in
the car.

“Bye, Ms. Dani.” Shae waved and smiled. “Bye Loser,” she yelled at Josh.

“Brat,” he yelled at her. “See ya Ms. Sheila.”

Josh kissed me on the cheek as he came in the door. “Umm, chicken. Fried chicken.” He walked past me to the kitchen.

“Wash your hands!”

“I'm just looking.”

The phone rang and Josh made a mad dash for it. Answering it was out of my domain once he came home. He broke his neck to get it before the first ring stopped. I assumed it was Sydney.

I was drowning my chicken wing in hot sauce when Josh came into the dining room. “Is Ms. Sheila okay?” He was so direct, just like Jason.

“She'll be fine. The potato salad is in the green bowl.” I changed the subject, hoping he wouldn't ask any more questions.

He took his plate, a Mountain Dew and his trigonometry textbook to his favorite spot on the couch in front of the television. At one-thirty I woke him to get in the bed.

Sheila called me at work to let me know she and the girls talked until almost three o'clock and were at home. She said everyone felt better and thanked me for being a listening ear.

“That's what friends are for.” It felt good to finally be able to say that since it had been said to me so many times before.

“I appreciate you,” she said. “And I want you to know that.”

“Two are better than one,” I told her. “That's an
African proverb.”

We made plans to go to the grand opening of Jennifer's hair salon the following Saturday and then to see Sydney's final performance. Sheila said Shae planned to give roses to Sydney after the show. I thought that was a good sign.

Spring break came before the weather got warm and I planned to spend the week doing nothing. My job was in the process of expanding and we would be adding the ninth grade and an additional one hundred and fifty students in the fall. I was bringing work home at least three days a week and promised myself I wouldn't look at any of it during the break.

My parents had plans and declined my invitation to visit. Andrea was going to Raleigh to visit Alicia, and Sheila was spending a few days with her parents. Josh was going on the Black College Tour over the Easter break. I would be alone for the first time since Jason died.

We joined Sheila's family for an early Easter dinner on Saturday. Her brother, Raymond, Jr., and his family were also visiting for the weekend. Sheila's nephew and Josh spent the afternoon talking about basketball. Later that evening Josh went to the movies with John and Danny. After dropping him off, I went to a gospel concert at Rodman Street Baptist Church – their choir was directed by one of the teachers at Turner School.

I waited until the bus drove off for the college tour and didn't get home until after one in the morning. When my alarm clock rang at six-fifteen Monday morning I jumped up thinking I had to go to work. After pressing the snooze button for the third time, I realized school was closed. My body needed at least another three hours of sleep. I made a mental note to call Andrea to make sure they arrived back safely and I also wanted to make sure the Women's Ministry
was still meeting on Saturday.

Sheila invited me to spend Monday at her house – I declined so Shae could have her mom to herself. My plans for the week included finding a house and I was scheduled to see the first three on Monday afternoon. I concluded the day watching Beaches and eating Chinese food. Beaches was my favorite movie.

Sheila and Shae joined me for dinner on Tuesday and we went to the mall after we ate. On Wednesday we went to Bible Study and on Thursday Sheila came with me to look at the other three houses. The second house was still my favorite and I convinced Mrs. Crosby, the real estate agent, to take us there so Sheila could see it. The house was on Sonny Street – a quiet one block, tree lined street with brick houses. It was completely residential and most of the original homeowners still occupied the homes.

The three-bedroom ranch had a finished basement and an integral garage. It was big enough for me and Josh, and small enough that it wouldn't be too big when Josh left for college. The owner, Mrs. Adams, was recently widowed and was going to live with her daughter in Tulsa. She was trying to have the house sold by July. I was ready to make an offer on the house until Sheila suggested I look at a few more. Reluctantly, I agreed.

On Friday, I thought about the house on Sonny Street all day.

All the kids were sleepy when they got off the bus Saturday morning. Josh moaned of having a good time, even though the trip was very structured. Between doing his schoolwork, the evening Bible Study, and visiting the schools, there really wasn't much down time. I took Josh home before heading to the church for the Women's Ministry meeting.

“He went straight to bed, didn't he?” Sheila asked as we met at the door. “So did Syd.”

“What school did she talk about?”

“Tennessee.”

“Josh is torn between Tennessee and Hampton,” I said holding the vestibule door.

“I want Syd to go to Spellman,” Sheila sighed. “I've been buying her Spellman paraphernalia since she was born.”

“She also said you've been buying her red and white since she's been born!”

“Subliminal messages are the best.”

“Yeah, but she wants to be an AKA.”

“Someone brainwashed my child,” Sheila stated with a distressed southern drawl.

We found two seats in the second row just as the meeting opened with prayer. The guest speaker was a young woman who had been doing youth ministry since she was fourteen. She talked about God preparing us for specific ministries and the blessings that follow when we are obedient. She spoke on how Ruth had been united with Naomi and then stayed with her even after the death of her husband. God was preparing Ruth for a place of prominence even though she couldn't see it while she gleaned in the fields. Ruth was blessed because she was obedient.

The Women's Ministry speakers were always inspiring. One day I hoped to have a testimony to share. My life was not as traumatic as some of the women I had come to know, but like them I was learning the meaning and significance of salvation. My hunger to grow spiritually was fresh and new. I wanted to be like Ruth and trust God to get me through even when I wasn't sure where the road would end. Heading home after the meeting I decided to read the book of Ruth. I finished chapter two before Josh came
downstairs.

“Were you partying all night?” I asked, hoping the answer was no.

“They did have a nice party for us at Tennessee,” he said pouring orange juice.