Wisdom Seeds (25 page)

Sheila and I were both single parents who had had our hearts broken. She told me she dated her ex-husband in college and married him during her senior year. They planned to have four or five kids before she busted him cheating on her.

“I don't know if Sylvester ever really loved me,” she said trying to smile like it didn't matter. “Life has been so hard and I guess I always thought if you did all the right things God wouldn't let bad things happen to you. I had a fairy tale wedding and I wanted to be like Claire Huxtable. All I wanted was for my husband to love me forever.”

I told her about Jason, the love of my life. Consciously, I omitted ever meeting Greg and I intentionally told her that Jason was Josh's father. Actually, I told my usual lie that Josh came first and we waited until after graduate school to get married.

Sheila and I were raising our kids alone, both of our parents held positions in church and we were still searching to define our relationship with Jesus. For just meeting her, we had a lot in common.

We started talking on the phone almost every day. It felt good to have a friend and it made me realize how much I
missed Rhonda, Denise and Elaine. Over a month had passed since I had spoken to Maureen and Adrienne. I made a mental note to do better at keeping in touch regularly.

It was easy to talk with Sheila about missing my friends. Time and distance had separated her from a good friend in Philadelphia named Shelley. We talked a lot about friendship and regrets. We talked about being single parents and how we wanted our kids to have good relationships. Sheila was like a long lost sister and even her parents welcomed Josh and I as if we were family.

The Salvation Soldiers hosted a Christmas breakfast for the homeless and Harvey was picking up Josh at eight-thirty. I set the clock for seven-thirty so we could share at least one gift together before he left. This was our first Christmas without Jason. Josh left a beautifully wrapped package in front of the coffee maker but I didn't want to open it until he was awake. At seven-fifty he was still asleep.

I called him from the kitchen. “Josh, you're going to be late.”

No answer and no sounds.

“Josh,” I yelled a little louder. “Let's go.”

“Mom, I'm up.”

At ten minutes after eight the shower was still running and I went upstairs to remind him of the time. When I opened the bathroom door he was sitting there completely dressed with another gift.

“Merry Christmas.” He smiled handing me the present. “It was getting a little warm. What took you so long?”

“Oh, Joshua!”

“I know you and dad exchanged gifts at midnight so I left one for you in front of the coffee maker. Did you get it?”

“Yes, thank you very much.” My bottom lip was
quivering. “I want us to open our first gifts together.”

“I want to make it special for you,” he said as we walked down the steps.

“You make it special, Josh.”

He had framed a picture of me and Jason from our family trip to Virginia Beach. He also gave me a locket with a picture of him and Jason from Hershey Park. Josh was very excited about both of his gifts, the Nike's and his gold chain. I couldn't tell which one he liked the best.

I heard the car horn and hugged him. Harvey was five minutes early and robbed us of the time. Christmas was going to be okay. Josh was going to be okay. And I was going to be okay, too.

“I'll meet you after service,” I told him as he walked out the door. “Button your coat, it's cold.”

“I love you Mom,” he smiled from the door. “Merry Christmas.”

“Love you much Josh. Merry Christmas.”

While I drank my second cup of coffee I called everyone to wish them Merry Christmas. Mom Singleton wanted to know when we would be visiting. I assured her that we missed them and had no intention of excluding them as we tried to rebuild our lives. Joey reminded me that his wedding was Memorial Day weekend and Josh would need a tux. He was busy planning his wedding and equally excited for Stormy who got engaged for Christmas. She and Jose` were planning to get married after she graduated and then move to Puerto Rico – at least for a few years. Noah had enrolled in Community College and would be pursuing his Associate's Degree in Communications. Tashika was planning to enroll in a Nursing Assistant program. Taisha had eloped over the summer and was happily married, living in Atlanta and working on her dissertation. She was also pregnant with twins. Maisha had finally come to the
realization that Bobby's future didn't include her or their daughter. She was moving to Atlanta after the holidays to start over. Raheem remained unsure of what he wanted to do after graduating from Fordham in the spring and Rakeem was contemplating relocating to Virginia because he couldn't find a job he liked in New York. Rhonda and Lance were considering adding Kindergarten to their preschool centers and their girls were doing fine. Adrienne and Maureen were also remembering Jason and hoping Josh and I would have a Merry Christmas. I promised them that Josh and I would not be strangers and told them we were planning to attend their family reunion in Columbia, South Carolina over Labor Day weekend. Elaine was leaving Tyrone, but decided she would wait until after the holidays because he gave nice gifts. Denise was finishing her first gospel CD and was disappointed that it wasn't released in time for Christmas. Alicia was trying to plan a reunion for the summer. Christmas was a time for family and, in spite of my grief, I felt blessed to have these people in my life.

Andrea, Harvey and Corey joined us at our house for Christmas dinner that afternoon. Sheila and the girls arrived in time for dessert and we exchanged gifts that evening. Christmas turned out to be wonderful.

We sang in the New Year at The Sanctuary. I looked forward to 1998. It was time for the wisdom seeds to bud.

The Snowball was a first for Josh and me. My excitement was just as high, if not greater, than his. This was his first formal dance.

“You look good.” I smiled as he admired himself in the mirror. Josh was now six foot two and filling out. The
tux looked like it had been made for him.

“I don't like the shoes,” he replied looking down.

“You look wonderful and handsome. Let's go so you're not late. It's already five-thirty.”

“Uncle Harvey isn't picking us up until six-fifteen,” he said looking at his watch.

“We need picture time,” I smiled.

After a quick lesson in placing a corsage on Sydney's wrist, we left for Sheila's.

Sydney descended the stairs into the living room like a princess. She wore a royal blue satin gown trimmed in sequins with silver accessories. She and Josh blushed as they tried to inconspicuously stare at each other.

“You know you like him,” Shae blurted out, as only a little sister could, in the middle of picture taking.

“Mom,” Sydney sighed, “get your daughter.”

“Mom, she really does like Josh,” Shae stated in her defense. “She's just afraid to tell him.”

Josh pretended not to hear Shae's comments. “My uncle's here,” he said trying to rescue the moment.

“Let's go!” Sydney grabbed her coat and walked toward the door.

“One more picture,” I said motioning them to pose.

“Mom,” Josh smiled with clenched teeth. “Just one more.”

I stood in the door and watched the car drive down the street.

“Want some coffee?” Sheila asked.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“It sounds real good,” Shae added.

“Does that mean you'd like hot chocolate?” Sheila asked her.

Shae nodded, peeking into the kitchen.

“And how come you didn't go to the Snowball?” I asked the giggling thirteen-year-old.

She responded with a straight face. “Mom wouldn't let me.”

“Oh, and why not?”

“She said I was too young.”

“Well maybe next year.”

“This is Sydney's second one. Last year she went with TJ.”

“Shae,” Sheila interrupted her. “TMI.”

Shae immediately stopped talking and excused herself to her room.

“TMI?” I whispered to Sheila.

“Too much information,” she whispered trying not to laugh. “That's our cue when she's talking too much.”

Sheila poured coffee and we talked until midnight.

Sheila began attending the Women's Ministry meetings with me in February. The plain language Bible Alicia gave me for Christmas was helpful as we studied the Word of God together. I was working on not being angry with God and was able to sincerely thank Him for giving me Jason and allowing me to experience joy, love, happiness and peace. I was working at trusting Him, and believing He could get me through this thing called life. I was also working on eradicating the weeds that were choking the wisdom seeds.

The Women's Ministry challenge was to pray every day for thirty minutes. I often thought of Jason during my prayer time and found it difficult to concentrate for the entire half-hour. I wondered if Jason was happy with my decision to sell the house and move to Pittsburgh. I wondered if he
thought I was in search of Greg or if he knew that I was trying to start over. I hoped he had met Nana and they were both watching me. No one would ever replace Jason and I prayed he would always know that.

Time stood still on the morning of March seventh. Only a year had passed since my life stood in limbo as I watched Jason's life slip away. In retrospect, I realized that God had been gracious to Jason. He only suffered painfully for about three weeks and his last three days were the worst. His pain was more in knowing his life would be cut short and he wouldn't get to do everything he had planned.

The smell of frying bacon greeted me and, at first, I thought I was dreaming. Josh hugged me when I came into the kitchen.

“Morning Mom.”

“Good morning,” I said hugging him. “To what do I owe this surprise?”

Josh didn't respond.

I poured my coffee and exhaled. “I still miss him.” The words brought tears to my eyes and I closed them to keep from crying.

“Me, too.” Josh removed the bacon from the pan. He turned to face me. “We don't talk about my dad anymore.”

I had no words. He was right. In trying to help Josh get on with his life I stopped talking about Jason. We hadn't talked about him since Christmas.

“I'm sorry.” I turned his face toward me. “We should always talk about him. I think about him all the time. I just want you to be able to move on and not live in the past.”

“So you were listening when we went to see that counselor?” He smiled and poured two glasses of orange juice. “I'm moving on, but I don't ever want to forget.”

“I could never forget Jason.” I let my tears flow
freely as my mind reminisced. “He was the love of my life and he will always have a piece of my heart.”

While Josh fixed our plates I put Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits in the cassette player. Jason loved Stevie Wonder and had given Josh the tapes on his last Christmas. We ate Jason's favorite breakfast while Stevie serenaded us.

Sheila and I joined the Singles Ministry when it started the second Saturday in March. We were initially reluctant because we didn't want to participate in a dating service. However, the focus of the Singles Ministry was fellowship, not matchmaking. Although I was the only widow, there were others who had been deserted and betrayed, others who were hurting. We were a group of adults getting together for fun and fellowship and studying God's Word on being single and living Holy.

The Singles Ministry was co-facilitated by Jennifer. Her character exemplified her faith and she believed everything in her life was a blessing from God. She reminded me of Andrea.

Jennifer shared her testimony at our first meeting. Two weeks before her wedding, her fiancé decided he didn't want to get married. Six months later he eloped with her cousin. “He wasn't for me and I couldn't see it.” She spoke confidently. “God knows my whole life and even though I stopped listening to Him, He made sure I didn't make the mistake. Did it hurt? Yes. Was I angry? Yes. Did I hate them? Yes. I wanted to hate them forever, but God wouldn't let me. He reminded me of my past and of His forgiveness. He reminded me of His grace and mercy toward me. It is by His grace that I have been able to forgive them. Now, don't misunderstand me, God didn't say be a doormat or let others abuse you, so my relationship with them is not close. But, I no longer wish them harm or ill will. I don't let hate
consume me, instead I focus on the blessings God has yet revealed for my life.”