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It was like a sign. A completely unignorable sign. “Good idea. I’m going to take a shower to relax.” Jonah had already changed his mind about tonight a dozen times. But this was like fate. If Evan was asleep when Jonah came out, he’d know he was meant to go.

Evan must have been beat, because when Jonah stepped out of the bathroom, Evan was in that super sprawl that usually hit him about two in the morning, on his back, one leg bent, one arm up over his head, the other flung out to the side.

Jonah took a deep breath and sat at the desk with the Marriott’s paper and pen.

He’d had this worked out. If Evan said that it didn’t count as cheating when they were broken up, Jonah would leave a note that broke them up. And if he really went through with it, he guessed they’d basically be broken up anyway.

No more Evan.
How could he really be thinking about doing this? Was figuring out his kinks such a huge fucking deal that he had to screw up both their lives to do it? Just because his parents had been utter fucking assholes about not fucking other people did Jonah have to follow in their footsteps?

Evan,

I was going to leave you this note in case you woke up while I was gone. But I’m not going anywhere. I can’t. I don’t know what I really want from you, what I can expect, what the future’s going to be like and I am so terrified that I’m going to fuck this up. I’ve almost said something to you a whole bunch of times this past week but chickened out. Mostly because you’re so damned good at hiding what you’re really feeling that I don’t know what’s real. If I told you that I really think I need to feel dominated, that the idea of a guy with leather chaps on tying me up and laying into me until my ass is red and bruised turns me on so much I can’t breathe, would you look at me the same way? I know you’d do anything for me, but I need it to be for you too. You just going along with it just for me isn’t really what I want. I guess I should ask you, really tell you what’s been going with me, but I’m scared. Do you ever get scared? Because it never looks like you do. It never looks like you feel anything. Except sometimes when you look at me and I do know it’s real.

Jonah flipped the paper over and stopped, realizing that tears were leaking out of his eyes. It wasn’t the note he’d meant to write, but it was obvious that it was the one he was supposed to.

Anyway, the one thing I do know for sure is that there isn’t another guy like you anywhere. And if you’re ready, I’m ready. And I’m going to start by telling you that tomorrow.

I love you,

Jonah

He meant it too. First thing tomorrow he was going to tell Evan he’d found the rings. He folded the note up and put it in his wallet. He really wouldn’t mind if Evan found this one, though it would be better if he could say some of it face-to-face.

He wiped his eyes and stripped before climbing into the king-sized bed. Evan rolled onto his side and Jonah moved across the space between them, wrapped himself around Evan with arms and legs and breathed in the smell of his neck.

“Everything okay, babe?”

Jonah swallowed back another thick wave of tears and buried himself in Evan’s warmth. “It’s perfect.”

* * *

Evan tapped Jonah’s shoulder and he jerked awake. “Hey, if you want to eat breakfast at Juniors again before the place gets mobbed, we’d better get rolling.”

Jonah sat up.

Evan started laughing. “It looks like someone killed a cat on your head.”

Jonah flipped him off. “I went to bed with it wet.”

“That’s what dripped on me?”

That and tears. Jonah wasn’t putting it off another second. “I found the rings.”

“I know.”

Jonah felt like he’d missed the last three steps on the stairs. “What?”

“I know,” Evan repeated.

Jonah swung his legs onto the floor. “How long have you known?”

“Since Christmas Eve.”

“Evan, I want you to know—”

“Wait. Before you say anything there’s something really crucial you need to know.”

Jonah stood to face him.

“Those were Kelly’s. He ordered them, had me pick them up for him.”

Jonah’s knees buckled but fortunately there was a pillow top mattress there to catch him. “Kelly’s rings. For him and Paul.”

“Yes. Babe, seriously, you don’t think I have better taste than that? Those things were tacky.”

Jonah couldn’t believe what he’d been doing, what he’d almost done, and the whole thing had only been him leaping to conclusions, like trying-to-cross-the-Grand-Canyon-in-a-single-bound kind of jumping to conclusions.

Evan sat on the bed next to him. “And I’d never, ever do something like that without talking to you first. Without making sure we were both on the same page.”

“So—what page are we on?”

“Are you ready to talk to me about it?”

Jonah was feeling like a gigantic idiot. Which he was, but it was still really awkward to talk about. Especially when Evan already had his jeans on and Jonah was naked.

He looked down at his feet. “I’ve been figuring out that I have some kinks. I mean, I always knew watching the rough stuff turned me on, but I hadn’t thought about them seriously until now. When I thought—” He swallowed. “I like what—well, at your parents’ house and in the shower. I really wanted that.”

Evan nodded and turned so he was looking at Jonah. “It’s called D/s. Domination and submission.”

“I know that.” This talking thing was a lot less fun than the doing.

“Do you? It’s not just sexual. At least not for me, Jonah. It’s emotional too.”

Jonah managed to get his eyes as high as Evan’s nipples. “That’s the part I’m not so sure I liked. I mean, after. I felt weird. Except the last time. In the shower. Wait.” Jonah stared into Evan’s face. “You mean you’ve done this before, like more than just a little.”

“Yes.”

“Why did you stop? Did you stop liking it?”
Because to get so close, then find out—

“No. It’s what I said before. I need the emotional component. I wasn’t happy just having a submissive who was only there to get off.”

“So you’re a Dom? Or Dominant?” God, did Evan have a trunk stashed somewhere with leather and whips and chains inside? Did that stuff need mothballs?

“Dom. Yes.” Evan’s voice, so different from what Jonah was used to, dragged him back to focus on them.

“What do you mean by an emotional part?”

Evan sat on the bed next to him. It was easier talking like this.

“What if that part doesn’t work for me?” Jonah’s chest got tight again.

“First, I’m pretty sure it does, so relax.” Evan rubbed the back of Jonah’s neck. “The people I knew who were into D/s when I lived down here, it was mostly about sex. And that was hot. But I wanted more than that. I wanted an emotional connection to my submissive, not just a power-based, sexual one. I thought I had it once.”

They’d never talked about exes. And Jonah wasn’t sure he wanted to hear about whoever had been doing this stuff with Evan before, but had to listen.

Jonah rested a hand on Evan’s thigh. “And?”

“It was one-sided. You know how I said I’m pretty damned possessive?”

Jonah nodded. The intensity in Evan’s voice made Jonah really glad that he hadn’t left last night. Not because he was afraid, but because of how wounded Evan sounded.

“I felt that anger start to slip into a scene. It scared me. I could have hurt him.” Evan squeezed Jonah’s hands. “So I walked away from it. Decided not to do it again unless I knew it was right.”

Jonah thought again of how quiet, how locked down Evan had been. Was that what he’d been thinking about, not whether Jonah was a freak, but whether Jonah was serious enough to— “So how do you know if it’s right? I mean, if we can do it right.”

“I think what’s been holding things up is that you weren’t telling me what you wanted, so the rules weren’t clear.

“Rules, huh? And I’m just so fond of those.”

“These help. They really do. But the most important thing is communication. Like you have to tell me what’s going on. And when things don’t work.”

“Like a safe word?” Jonah had been given one to use in his instructions from
2top4u
: marzipan.

“Yes. You come up with one that works for you and let me know.”

“So you want to do this? With me.”

“Yeah, babe, I really do.” Evan lifted Jonah’s chin and kissed him.

Jonah wanted to respond but there was that whole morning breath issue. Evan’s tongue teased along the seam of Jonah’s lips before he pulled back. “Second thoughts?”

“Just the one about brushing my teeth.”

“Okay. Go brush them.”

Jonah headed into the bathroom but then stuck his head out. “So is that like an order thing? Is that how this works?” Because if Evan thought he was going to start snapping orders out all the time, they needed to sit down and start talking again.

“No. That wasn’t your Dom. That was your boyfriend. Who still has plans for today. So if you could do something about your hair while you’re in there, we can maybe get some breakfast.”

* * *

The subway ride down to the Village didn’t seem to make Jonah as sick as the train had, but he was pale enough that Evan was glad they waited until they were down on West 4th before they got something to eat. The leather shop on Christopher Street hadn’t changed at all since Evan’s last trip there six years ago, still the same tricked out guy sitting on a stool out front, puffing away on a cigarette.

Evan breathed in the familiar scents and watched Jonah’s gaze try to go everywhere at once: slings, spreader bars, paddles, crops, canes, chaps and vests. The first thing he reached for was a knotted flogger, then one of rubber.

“We might want to start out with something a little less thuddy.” Evan stood behind him and reached for something with smooth suede tails.

Jonah jumped and turned around.

“Thuddy?”

Evan glanced over at the guy behind the counter and raised his eyebrows in question. The guy nodded.

Evan took down the rubber and the suede flogger and stood back. “Hold out your hand.”

Jonah swallowed and blinked but lifted an open palm toward Evan. Evan spun the suede one first, getting a feel for the length and the weight. It was nice, black and purple. It came alive in his hand, feeling almost like an extension of his arm. Jonah’s eyes widened behind his glasses but he didn’t pull his hand away.

Evan threw the ends lightly against Jonah’s palm. It would barely be enough to sting on his back or ass, but on his hand, Jonah would be able to feel it.

Jonah flinched as the ends flicked his skin, but he didn’t pull away. The familiar heat at his waiting acquiescence flashed under Evan’s skin, but this time it was different. This time it was Jonah and the energy buzzed under Evan’s skin the way it had with their first kiss.

“Rub it out,” Evan suggested.

Jonah rubbed his palm against his jacket.

“Do you want to feel the difference?”

Jonah nodded, eyes still wide.

“Hold out your other hand.”

The rubber was going to hurt. That was what it had been designed for. It was well-made, and Evan saw Jonah’s eyes drawn to the dildo-shaped metal handle.

Evan kept the stroke light, but Jonah really jumped when it hit, shaking his hand and rubbing it against his jacket and jeans.

“Jesus. Okay. Thuddy. I get it.”

“That’s a sting and a thud,” Evan explained. He put the floggers back, eyeing the price tag on the suede one. Standing right behind Jonah’s ear he murmured, “And you’re supposed to stay in position until I tell you to move.”

Evan felt the tremor that ran through Jonah’s body echo in his own.

“So how do I know if we’re p-playing?” His voice broke on the last word.

Evan stepped over to the cuffs and the collars. Jesus, he could put one on Jonah now; hell, Evan
should
. Mark Jonah as his, Evan’s. In a way more personal than any wedding ring.

Jonah was still shaking his left hand, but his right moved to more decorative thin cuffs. The set he was handling was a warm brown, two strips for each cuff, with metal hardware holding both the strips together and connecting them lengthwise. Evan wasn’t sure if the thinner straps would cut into Jonah’s skin if they were used for restraint, but they were nice and soft.

Evan followed Jonah around the store, noticing with a smile as he ticked off everything on his wish list. Blindfolds, spreader bars for restraint, suspension chains, even the paddles, wooden and leather.

“See something you like?” Evan asked.

Jonah reached for a leather slapper.

“Test it on your thigh,” Evan suggested.

Jonah smacked it down gingerly, then with more force. “Maybe,” he said, but from the way he readjusted his jeans, Evan thought Jonah was more than maybe interested.

He stopped in front of a St. Andrew’s Cross, the cross bars padded with studded leather. Jonah licked his lips.

“Ready for that?” Evan murmured to him.

“Huh? No. God, no.” Jonah flexed his left hand, fingers rubbing the palm.

“Let me see.” Evan locked his hand around Jonah’s wrist and turned the palm up.

A little red, but not welted. Evan dropped a kiss on it in the center, then closed Jonah’s fingers around it again. Thank God Jonah hadn’t flung himself into this with some idiot who wouldn’t take care of him, who probably would have left him scarred and scared. Eager and curious was a dangerous combination even without Jonah’s impulsiveness. Evan’s heart rate kicked up in a sudden blast of rage toward the arrogant bastard who’d left the picture and invitation on Jonah’s M2M profile.