Wish Upon a Christmas Cake (17 page)

‘What is he confused about?’ My heart hammered like a runaway train.

‘He said he likes you very much. You’re so pretty, so kind and so sexy.’ He did that mime of a woman’s curves with his hands and my cheeks heated up. ‘He didn’t do that, I just like to do it.’ He chuckled and Karl joined in.

‘So what else did he say?’ We had stopped walking and I placed my hands on Angelo’s chest.

‘He wants to do the right thing by everyone but doesn’t know what it is. He’s worried…that you still love that idiot who cheated on you.’

‘He said that?’

Angelo nodded. ‘And he’s not sure you’d want to date a widower with two children. He’s also very worried about getting involved in case it goes wrong and the children get hurt. And he told me that you two have a painful past but that he’d wanted to work through it and was devastated when you left him. He wanted the baby too but not at the expense of losing you. Sam said it was always you for him, Katie.’

The ground shifted beneath my feet and I rubbed my eyes and face as if trying to hold on to reality. A supportive hand took hold of my arm and I met my Angelo’s concerned gaze.

I smiled weakly. ‘I do like Sam, I really do. More than like. But it’s so complicated. It’s not like we’re teenagers or young, free and single, is it?’

‘If only you’d stayed together in the first place then we wouldn’t be going through this now.’

‘But…I…’ I twirled a few strands of hair that stuck out under the side of my hat.

‘Katie, he was
crazy
about you. Sam would have done anything for you and he was destroyed when you broke up. He was broken-hearted about the baby but you made it impossible for him to come after you. He actually believed that it was easier for you not seeing him, that he was a constant reminder of what you’d lost. You could have another chance here, you know. Just take it slowly and get to know him again.’

A chance. But the very word
chance
made me uneasy. It meant possibility, but it could also mean accidental or even risky depending on how you used it. Did I really want to take a chance on Sam? Could I chance it? Was it even fair to ask him and the children to take a chance on me? Was this just a chance meeting? I wanted to stamp my feet in the snow and scream until all the pent-up confusion came gushing out like some kind of exorcism. But I held it in for fear of what Angelo would think about me. I didn’t want to be the crazy sister-in-law.

‘We’ll see,’ I said. ‘I’m not sure yet. I don’t know if this is right or if it’s just all this Christmas spirit…all the booze, good food and sentimental TV. My head’s a bit muddled, to be honest. Anyway, I’m going to give Sam his Christmas present now so I’ll see you later.’

‘You want me to cover for you if you stay out tonight too?’ Karl asked as I walked away from them.

‘Nothing happened last night!’ I shouted. ‘Nothing at all.’

‘We’ll believe you, Katie, but enjoy
nothing
tonight as well.’

I waved my hand above my head but didn’t turn around. I was keen to get inside the cosy lodge now and to speak to Sam. Somehow it felt better when I was with him. All this emotion was exhausting, what with wondering about him, hoping that Ann was all right and missing Granny. If only I could talk to Granny and get her wise perspective on this. I just wanted to be cuddled and told that everything would be okay. Being independent and self-reliant could be tiring. It would be so nice to have someone to rely on, to take care of me for a change.

Even if it was just for one night.

Chapter 12

I knocked gently at the lodge door, then tried the handle. It opened and I entered the small cosy hallway then closed the door behind me. I removed my snow-covered boots and set them by the radiator. They would probably never recover from this but I needed a new pair anyway.

‘Sam?’ I called softly

‘In here.’ His handsome face appeared in the lounge doorway. I followed him into the room. He’d lit the log fire and the dogs were stretched out in front of it. I joined him on the sofa still clutching his gift. My heart was thudding hard and it was making me feel woozy.

‘Are Jack and Holly asleep?’

‘They brushed their teeth, put their PJs on and passed out as soon as their heads hit the pillows. They had a great day thanks to you and your family. I’m really grateful. It would have been a lot harder without all the distractions of a Warham family Christmas. It was good that it was different to last year.’ He rubbed a large hand over his face and his stubble. Right now he looked like one of those razor advert models and it made it difficult for me to focus on maintaining a rational train of thought.

‘I’m glad that we’ve all helped, Sam.’

He took my free hand. ‘You have.’

‘I was quite apprehensive about Christmas myself but it’s actually been really nice here with everyone. I do miss Granny though. I guess we all do.’ My vision suddenly blurred.

‘Was she ill for long before she… I mean, I spoke to Karl about it a few times on the phone but I think he was trying to be strong or perhaps he was afraid to vocalise his fears for her.’

‘He was probably trying to be strong. The truth is that Granny never really fully recovered from her heart attack. She was never quite the same. I just—’ My throat tightened. If I started crying now, I’d never stop and it would all come out. I didn’t want to spoil the evening so I took a few calming breaths and swallowed hard.

‘You miss her, Katie, and that’s okay. She was a great lady.’

‘Anyway – ’ I sniffed, keen to avoid tears, ‘ – I have your gift here.’ I passed him the parcel, which I’d wrapped in gold tissue.

‘You didn’t have to do this, Katie.’

‘Neither did you.’ I fingered the dragonfly necklace.

‘I’m really pleased you wore it today.’ His cheeks coloured and he pushed his glasses up his nose; another of his adorable habits.

‘Well I
love
it. Now see if you like what I got you.’

I held my breath as he opened the tissue and took out the rectangular box. He turned it over in his hands and gasped. ‘I’ve always wanted one of these…but it’s not the sort of treat you buy for yourself.’

The
Star Wars
chess set hadn’t been cheap, but as soon as I’d seen it, I’d known that it would be right for Sam. The chess pieces were all
Star Wars
characters or space ships, each one intricately carved from wood and meticulously painted. Princess Leia even had the two buns on either side of her tiny head.

‘Will you play with me?’ he asked as he set the box on the table.

‘I don’t know how.’ I didn’t. I’d tried to play Dad once when I was about thirteen, but he’d had a phone call from work that had interrupted our game and that had been it. We’d never tried again.

‘I’ll teach you,’ he replied and he set the board up on the coffee table. I watched as he positioned each piece carefully in the correct place and mused that if life was that simple, that we all knew our places and who we should stand next to, then it wouldn’t be so confusing. There were no proper rules for dating and falling in love and the lines about acceptable behaviour were so often blurred. Partners cheated, lovers left, spouses died. How on earth were we supposed to find happiness when it was all just so difficult, when doing the wrong thing sometimes felt so right? And how could we be sure what actually was right or wrong anyway?

I shifted onto the floor next to Sam and listened as he explained the rules of the game. It was a lot to take in and I knew I’d never remember everything but I had a feeling that he’d be patient with me and help me out if I made a wrong move. After all, how many people get it right first time? My pawns made their way along the board and Sam’s approached them, sometimes sweeping them up but sometimes taking a step backwards. It was like some kind of strange dance and I became fascinated by the strategies that could be employed. Before I knew it, we were both down to just a king, a queen and two other pieces each.

‘Thirsty?’ Sam asked and I nodded. My palms were clammy and my shoulders tense. Where could this go? If I moved my knight then his queen could access my king. I sat and stared at the board until he returned with a bottle of red and two goblets. He sat next to me again and filled our glasses. ‘Cheers!’

We clinked glasses and I took a sip. ‘That’s delicious.’

‘It’s a Pinot Noir I’ve been saving for a special occasion.’

‘This is a special occasion?’

He nodded. ‘I really enjoy being with you, Katie. I can be myself again. It’s just so comfortable.’

Comfortable? Not thrilling, exciting or arousing. I was comfortable. ‘Like a pair of old jeans?’

He laughed and removed his glasses and placed them next to the chessboard. ‘Don’t knock old jeans. They’re the best. Who wants a new, stiff pair when their old Levis fit like a second skin?’

‘I’m a pair of old Levis?’ My lips were twitching in spite of my conviction that I should be disappointed.

He paused for a moment, then seemed to make a decision. ‘I’d like to try you on.’ He moved closer to me and I breathed deeply of his clean, citrus scent. There was a hint of Christmas dinner in there too but I guessed that I probably smelt the same.

‘To see if I fit?’

‘You fit, Katie. I know you do. You always have done.’ His face was so close to mine now that the sweet notes of vanilla and berries from the Pinot drifted from him to me. I licked my lips.

‘Are you sure about this, Sam?’

He took hold of my face in his large hands and gently smoothed his thumbs over my cheeks and my lips. I moaned as need welled inside me. I wanted to lose myself in the moment, to forget all of my worries and concerns and to just be. To just live. I was scared that this was the wrong time; the night before the anniversary of his wife’s death. But my longing for him was overpowering my common sense and rational thought was slipping away from me.

Then he kissed me. And I melted into him.

I wound my hands around his neck, ran my fingers though his hair, and returned his kisses like a starving woman. Which I was. I knew it then. I was hungry for something that I hadn’t experienced in a long, long time. But I knew Sam could give it to me.

Fulfilment of body, heart and mind.

I was home.

Sam stopped for a moment and pulled back to look at me, then he got to his feet and lifted me to mine. ‘Do you want to…’

‘Move into the bedroom?’ I managed to croak.

He nodded.

‘Yes.’ I glanced at the unfinished game of chess as we left the room. There would be time for that later.

Sam closed the bedroom door behind us and turned on the bedside lamp. The room had the same low beams as the lounge and a queen bed. The sheets were dark red as he pushed back the duvet and my stomach clenched as I thought about what we were about to do. This wasn’t some drunken university fling, it wasn’t Harrison and his over-inflated ego. This was Sam. My old friend. My teenage crush. My first love.

A man now. A
real
man. And he wanted me.

Sam pulled off his jumper and threw it onto a chair near the bed then he slipped off his jeans. His arousal was evident and I tried not to stare, but the way his black shorts clung to him made it difficult to ignore. When he ran his hands down my arms, my heart was beating so hard I worried that I’d pass out.

‘Katie. May I?’ He gestured at my sparkly top. I nodded and he lifted it gently over my head exposing my lacy black bra. He gasped and I closed my eyes, suddenly shy.

‘You’re beautiful, Katie. Incredible.’ He wound his fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck and pulled me closer. I sighed as his body fit against mine, his hard planes and my generous curves. Sam’s kisses were exquisite and I savoured every one. This was right. This was how it should be. This was…

‘What was that?’ I placed my hands on his chest and listened. He kissed my cheek softly.

‘I’m not sure.’ He trailed soft kisses down my neck then licked my collarbone, the hollow in my throat and the space between my breasts.

‘I thought I heard something,’ I whispered.

Sam released me and moved to the door and opened it a fraction. Sure enough, there was a strange repetitive noise.

‘I’ll go,’ I said.

Sam started laughing. ‘It’s nothing to worry about.’

‘But what is it?’

‘It’s Sportacus. He must be dreaming about chasing something. When he does that, his feet move as if he’s running and sometimes he makes little noises too.’

‘Oh.’ I stood staring at him as he closed the door. I clasped and unclasped my hands, unsure what to do with them.

Sam placed his hands on my shoulders. ‘Where were we?’

I covered his hands with my own. ‘I’m nervous.’

‘Me too.’

‘Are we doing the right thing, Sam?’

He gazed into my eyes for a long moment, then gently released me. ‘I thought we were.’

‘This all seems to be moving so quickly.’

Hurt passed over his face and my stomach lurched. ‘I think it’s because we know each other so well already, Katie. It’s like picking up where we left off, not starting from scratch with someone new.’

‘I get that. I really do.’ I stroked his face and kissed him gently. ‘I’m just scared that this could be moving along for the wrong reasons.’

‘I know. I’ve worried about that too.’

‘And that we’re not thinking rationally.’

‘You mean because it’s Christmas and because of Maria.’ He ran his fingers up and down my arms and rested them on my shoulders. I shivered with pleasure.

‘How are you feeling about that right now, Sam?’ I watched his face carefully, wondering what he could possibly be feeling apart from pain, grief and confusion.

‘I need to tell you something,’ he said. ‘You need to know, before anything else happens. It’s something I haven’t told anyone else. It’s something I’ve barely admitted to myself but I have to tell you.’

My heart raced as I scanned his face. I used to be able to read him so well. I knew what he was thinking after six years together. Or I’d thought I did until we suffered our devastating loss and then I was so confused that I couldn’t even trust my own mind, let alone try to understand his. But now, I didn’t trust my instincts any more. I had no idea what he wanted to say and I was terrified of finding out.