Wishful Thinking (a journey that will change lives forever) (37 page)

Chapter 34

At first, Dara didn’t know where the hell she was.  Had she slept through the alarm clock?  What was she doing in bed? This wasn’t her room or her apartment or … no, this was …

“Hey,” Ruth was sitting beside her bed, “how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine … I think.” Dara blinked and looked around her.  Yes, she was in a hospital.  But why?  Then, little by little, it all began coming back. Going to work on the train … lots of shaking and vibrating … deafening noise … screaming and then … nothing.  She had been in an accident of some sort, hadn’t she?  “Ruth, what happened?”

Ruth gently told her all about that morning’s train derailment. “It was a bad crash, but you were one of the lucky ones,” she finished.  Dara had escaped with a sprained wrist and a couple of bruised ribs and minor injuries to her face. Apparently, some of her fellow passengers weren’t so fortunate.

“Your mum and dad are on the way – it was all over the news, and they knew you always took that same train to work. They were frantic …” Her voice trailed off and her eyes dropped. “They’ll be here soon.”

Suddenly, Dara’s spine stiffened, as she thought she remembered something.  She wasn’t sure, and maybe she’d just been imagining it but … “What about Mark?” she asked and her blood went cold when Ruth wouldn’t meet her eyes. The hairs on the back of Dara’s neck began to stand up and an icy fear quickly enveloped her. “Ruth, what about Mark?” she persisted. “Didn’t you phone him too? I hope you remembered to phone him – he is my husband after all! Ruth?”

Still Ruth didn’t look her in the eye.

“Ruth, why didn’t you phone Mark? Surely he’ll be worried about me too?”

Say something, damn it!

Ruth seemed to be struggling to find her voice. “Dara, don’t you remember? Mark was on the train too.” 

The room, the whole world suddenly began to spin. “What? What are you talking about?” Dara cried, although deep down she knew that Ruth was right. She thought she’d spotted him on the platform this morning just after she got on the train, but instantly dismissed it, thinking she must have been seeing things. “But why … why would Mark be on the train?”

Ruth looked momentarily puzzled.  “Well, we presumed he was with you – you were both found on the same train so –  ”

Found?

“Ruth, who told you that? They must have mistaken someone else for him.” Even as she said the words Dara knew they weren’t true.  She hadn’t been imagining it – she
had
seen Mark at the station, she could clearly remember it now and …but why had he got on the…?  Oh dear God, he must have come after her, perhaps in order to make things up with her? Oh no, what had she done?

“Dara, I’ve seen him,” Ruth confirmed. “They brought him straight into theatre.” She paused slightly before continuing. “He’s pretty bad.”

“What? What do you mean ‘pretty bad’? What the hell does that mean?” Dara demanded, her insides churning.  Why oh why had Mark been on the train?

“He and some other standing passengers were thrown ten feet forward in the carriage.  They were all hurt badly, Dara. Mark has some broken bones as far as I know, but worse, he suffered serious head injuries, and some internal bleeding.  He’s been in intensive care since.” Ruth gently took her hand, and looked at her, her face pained.  “Dara, they don’t know if he’ll come through it.”

That evening, when six o’clock came and went and there was still no sign of David, Rosie began to get a little concerned.  He was always home by five thirty, so why today of all days was he late getting back? Typical.  The one time she’d plucked up the nerve to confront him, her recent loss of Twix greatly helping in that regard, and he’d gone off shopping or something!

She hadn’t been able to contact Sheila today either.  It was very strange altogether –it seemed as though everyone’s normal routine had been thrown out of synch for some reason.  On any normal Thursday, she’d have taken the train to see Sheila as usual and been home and had her dinner just before David arrived back from work.  And he was so like clockwork it was quite disconcerting that he’d be so late.   But perhaps it was only disconcerting because the entire situation was disconcerting and she was dreading having to confront him.

She jumped when she heard a key in the front door.  Here he was.  Rosie took a deep breath, straightened her clothes once more in the mirror, stuck her shoulders back in an attempt to appear more assertive, and quietly opened her bedroom door. 

This was it. 

But as she stepped out onto the landing, she heard voices.  Blast it, there was somebody with him.  But who?

Rosie stepped further out, praying that the creaky floorboard at the top of the stairs wouldn’t betray her presence.  She hadn’t touched a thing in the house when she came in – had just gone straight upstairs, so David wouldn’t know whether she was here or not. 

He and his friends had gone straight into the living-room apparently.  That was unusual. David rarely went into the living-room.  Wasn’t that why he had commandeered her kitchen?  Then she heard a female voice – one that Rosie knew very well. 

“I still can’t believe it!” Sophie cried. 

Rose frowned. Sophie sounded very upset.  She’d better go down there and see what was wrong, see if she could help. Maybe something had happened to Claudia …?

“Sssh, love, it’s OK,” a male voice soothed.

Robert? What were Sophie and Robert doing here?  David and his sister didn’t get on – especially since the house situation – and David hated Robert!  For a brief moment, Rosie wondered if David had told the others about Twix.  Or perhaps Sophie had felt guilty about fobbing her mother off last night, and had come to help with the search.  Well, if that was the case, she was a bit too late!

Still, that explanation didn’t sit right with Rosie.  Sophie had never liked Twix, especially the dog’s habit of leaving caramel-coloured hairs on her expensive clothes! So, what was going on?  Please, God, let it not be Claudia . . .

She moved out further along the landing to try and hear. 

“But how can they be sure?” Sophie was asking now.

“She takes the same train every single Thursday morning like clockwork,” David was saying. “Since I’ve been here, I’ve never known her not to do it.  She never turned up at Sheila’s this morning, and the woman is beside herself with worry.  And even worse, apparently someone in Sheila’s family, her daughter-in-law or something, takes the very same train to work.”

Train?  Were they talking about the Dublin train? So, obviously David didn’t even realise she hadn’t come home last night, she realised, her shoulders slumping.   He always left in the mornings well before she did.  Just goes to show how little he cared about what had happened last night, she thought despondently.  Never mind Twix,
she
could have been the one dead on the road for all he cared.

“The guards weren’t very hopeful either,” David added then.

He sounded different, Rosie thought – agitated, worried, ashamed, maybe …?  And what was all this about guards? What was he talking about?

“I gave them her description,” he went on, “but they reckon it’ll be days before they get the passengers all out of the carriages, let alone try to identify them.”

“Identify what’s left of them, you mean,” Robert added dryly and with that Sophie burst into tears.

“I just can’t believe she’s dead!” she wailed.  “I mean, first Dad and now … “

Rosie’s eyes widened. 
Dead?
Who was dead? They weren’t talking about Twix – they seemed to be talking about someone who often took the train . . .   She struggled to make sense of what they were saying.  What – or more importantly –
who
were they talking about?

“David,” Sophie cried noisily, “that means we’re orphans now, you know that, don’t you? Orphans!”

Orphans? What did she mean? Rosie missed David’s low reply. 

There was a brief silence and then a few minutes later, she heard Robert mutter something about turning on the TV.  “They’ve been running updates since this morning,” he said. 

Updates on what?  Mightily intrigued, Rosie began to creep further down the stairs.  But she quickly stopped in her tracks as, horrified, she began to make out snatches of a news report. 
“. . . this morning’s horrific train derailment on the East Coast.  Twelve confirmed dead, hundreds injured . . . rescue attempts . . .”

Mind racing, she listened in disbelief.  Oh my God!  The train –
her
train – apparently it had crashed!  Her mind scrambled as she tried to get her thoughts in order. Then she stopped dead, shocked as she recalled the bits of conversation she’d just overheard. 

“Identify what’s left” . . .  “ orphans” . . .
Oh God!
David and Sophie thought she’d been on it!  They thought she’d been in the crash!  Unable to move for shock, Rosie stood there for what seemed like an age, not sure what to do, what to
feel
.

Then, having finally gathered her wits about her, she went to hurry downstairs, and take her children in her arms, and tell them they were mistaken, that she was still alive and well and hadn’t taken the train at all, when …

“Well, I suppose, now that she’s gone, we’ll have to talk about what’ll happen with the house,” Robert declared loudly. 

Quickly, Rosie took a step backwards.  Her mouth went dry. This could be interesting.

                                                        
Chapter 36

Dara lay on the hospital bed that evening, her body bandaged, her mind sick with worry.  She was an idiot, a complete and utter idiot.  How could she have let this happen? Mark must have gone to the train to look for her and try and make it up with her.  Why hadn’t she phoned him back at the house?  Who cared if she was late for work? What did bloody work matter in the scheme of things?

He wouldn’t have been on the train if it weren’t for her, if they hadn’t had that stupid fight, if he hadn’t found out about Noah! 

Dara put a fist to her mouth, and tried to stifle a cry.  Now, Mark was critically injured and very possibly dying in another room somewhere in this very building because of it.

The hospital staff wouldn’t let her see him – in fact they wouldn’t let her get out of bed. 

“You were lucky to get a bed at all, love,” a no-nonsense nurse informed her. “We’ve got people waiting on trolleys all over the place.  So, if you get up and start wandering around, they’ll be no guarantee you’ll still have a bed when you get back.”

Apparently the hospital was in chaos, what with the amount of injuries being brought in all morning.  Dara would just have to wait and rely on what little bit of information Ruth could gather about him, from the over-worked medical staff.  She longed to see him, longed to hold him in her arms and tell him how sorry she was.  He should never have been on that train.  It was all her fault. 

And what would she do if she lost him? How would she feel then? She could hardly bear thinking about it.  Her heart ached as she remembered how nervous he’d been during the wedding speeches, but how he’d got through it all – the nerves, the sickness – for her. In the same way that he’d put up with the honeymoon to Rome, had been dragged all over a city he had little interest in – for her. 

Not to mention what he had done only recently for her father. Eddie would be horrified once he found out what happened, once he discovered that Dara’s selfishness had led to this.

As far as her father was concerned, Mark was a good, kind, patient man, who had always gone out of his way to make other people happy, to make her happy.  And yet she’d taken it all as her due, hadn’t she?  She hadn’t really understood how much he did for her, how much he had to put up with.  And yet, what did he get in return?  From day one, she’d treated him terribly, openly admitting to her friends that he was second-string, that he was someone who was good enough to have around when it suited her. 

Then, as soon as Noah Morgan came back into her life, she’d conveniently forgotten all the wonderful things that Mark had done for her, the wonderful person he was.  And he didn’t deserve that.  No, Mark deserved a hell of a lot better. 

Later that evening, when Ruth and her parents had gone home – both shocked and dazed by the news about Mark – the root of all Dara’s problems appeared with a bunch of flowers and sporting his trademark, dazzling smile.

“I was so worried about you,” Noah said, leaning over and kissing Dara lightly on the forehead. 

Dara felt nothing. Oddly, she didn’t care that he was worried about her. In fairness, he didn’t really have a right to worry about her, did he?  

“Mark was hurt too,” she told him stony-faced. “We had an argument.  He came after me this morning on the train.” She wasn’t sure why she was telling him this, but in a way she wanted him to take some of the blame too, for him to feel the same guilt she was feeling.  Not that any of it was actually his fault but …

Noah’s reaction betrayed little. “I heard. Dara, look, I hope you’re not blaming yourself for this. It wasn’t your fault, it –”

“Noah, of course it was my fault! He came after me! We had an argument last night – a huge argument about … about you.” Dara recalled Mark’s enormous hurt, thinly veiled by his enormous anger.  She’d wounded him so badly with the admission that he was second best, that she had to make a choice between the two of them. 

But was that really true now? Given a choice between Mark and Noah, why
would
she choose the latter?  This was a man who had deserted her for a silly childish reason, who she hadn’t seen in years, and in fairness, who she didn’t really know anymore.  The man had gone off and married someone else in the meantime, for goodness sake!  Yet, the old feelings, the old attraction had kicked in instantly upon seeing him after all that time.

But maybe that was it. Maybe it was all based on the old feelings, and was nothing but the old ‘one who got away’ syndrome.  Maybe she’d been drawn to Noah, not because of the person he was now, but because of their history.  In some weird way, she wanted to prove to herself that she was his true love, that she had more power over him than any other woman.  She’d convinced herself of that fact for so long that it was almost impossible to see it any other way.

“So what did he say?” Noah’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Mark. What did he say when you told him about me?”

Dara looked at him, wondering why on earth he was asking such a pathetic, irrelevant question, when Mark was now fighting for his life somewhere in this very building.

And right then, Dara realised that she didn’t care about Noah bloody Morgan, and she wasn’t in love with him – he was simply a part of her past that she needed to exorcise, or as the Americans would say, for which she needed ‘closure’. 

Noah wasn’t The One for her – he had never been The One. But she’d clung to that silly, immature, and supposedly romantic notion for so long that she couldn’t see beyond it. 

She looked at him, looked into his attractive green eyes, his perfectly sculptured face and decided that it was time to end this nonsense, this stupidity that had affected her all her adult life.

She spoke softly. “Noah, I told Mark that you were an old friend I’d met recently, and that we were catching up. I told him that there was nothing between us.” The last bit was a lie, but she just wanted to get this over with.

“And did he believe you?” Noah asked warily. “Did he suspect anything?”

She looked away for a moment, remembering Mark’s anger when she’d implied that she needed to make a decision. Then she looked back at Noah and spoke softly. “Noah, it’s the truth.  You
are
an old friend and we
were
catching up.  Look, it was stupid of us both to think that we could take up where we left off.  Yes, it was great when we were younger, but we’re two completely different people now.”

He frowned. “But I thought … what are you saying?”

“Noah, tell me, what would happen if I
did
decide to leave Mark now? What would we do?”

He shrugged, as if he hadn’t really given it much thought. “We’d be together, I suppose.”

“But what would we
do
? Would we buy a house together, get married, have children?” She was particularly interested in seeing how he answered this.

He shrugged. “Well, maybe – after a while.  But there are lots of things I want to do before I settle down completely.  I mean, I still love travelling and there’s lots more I want to see.  And there’s more to life than mortgages, you know that. We could go away together this time, Dara. We could go to Italy and Paris, wherever you like. You’d really enjoy it.”

She shook her head sadly. She was an idiot to have seriously considered going back to him, wasn’t she? Noah was no different to the man who’d left her all those years ago.  He was still a drifter, still a dreamer.  Noah had no concept of a normal conventional working life, had no real interest in settling down – with anyone.  His marriage hadn’t ended because he was still in love with Dara – it had ended because, for Noah, the drama and excitement had ended once real life had crept in.  Noah Morgan would never make sacrifices for Dara or for anyone else. And, she thought, with a wistful smile, she certainly couldn’t picture him frog-marching her father to a prostate examination! 

She turned to face him. “Noah, I’m married now, married to someone who’s very important to me and who I – who I love very much.” As she said it, a lump came to her throat. “I’m not willing to throw that away.”

“But I thought – ”

“We were both being stupid,” she said. “Because it all ended so weirdly that first time, we both thought there was unfinished business between us.  But Noah, I don’t think there was. We just weren’t meant to be.”

Noah was silent for a very long moment.  Eventually, he sat back and sighed. “Maybe you’re right. When I met you after all that time, I was so pleased to see you again, that maybe I just wanted to convince myself we still had something.” He shook his head. “I’ve had a shitty few years and – ”

“Noah, that’s all it was.  Seeing one another again after all this time made us both a little crazy. Yes, it was great back then, but who knows how it would be now?” Her eyes dropped to the sheet. “But it doesn’t matter, because it’s not going to happen. I’m not going to leave Mark for you.” She tried to dispel the notion that perhaps Mark might be lost to her anyway – one way or the other.

“So that’s it then?” Noah asked gently. “You don’t want to stay friends, or anything?”

She smiled. “I don’t think it would be right somehow.  You’re a good friend, Noah, and I’ll always treasure our time together but …”

He nodded. “I understand.  It wasn’t fair of me to come back and expect you to give up everything just for me – especially after all this time.” He shrugged, and gave her another of those heart-breaking smiles.  “Wishful thinking, I suppose.”

“Maybe,” Dara smiled back and took Noah’s hand in hers, feeling a strange relief at the realisation that, after all this time, they were finally saying goodbye.