Wishful Thinking (a journey that will change lives forever) (38 page)

                                                     
Chapter 37

It had been a tough day at the hotel and as she approached her house around seven o’clock on Thursday evening, Heather’s feet ached with the cold.  She was so looking forward to getting home. Andy was on night-duty all this week, so luckily she wouldn’t have to go to the bother of cooking dinner. No, this evening, she was going to just throw on an M&S ready-meal and then cosy up to the fire with a bucket of Maltesers and a good book.  Bliss! Heather smiled contentedly at the thought of it. 

The smile froze on her face when she looked up and saw Louise standing awkwardly in her doorway, her younger sister’s face a picture of anxiety.

“Louise, you cannot do this!” Inside the house, Heather’s face contorted with worry.  Louise had told her all about her that day’s events and her subsequent ‘escape’. 

Heather had immediately turned on the TV to Sky News to check if there were any reports on the train crash, but other than a brief mention in the headlines about it being a particularly bad one, there was nothing major.

“Honey, I know things look bad now, but you can’t seriously think you can just run away from it all.  It’s not the way life works!”

“But why not?” Louise replied innocently.  It was a bit of shock, but Heather would come round.  She just needed a bit of time to get used to the idea – that was all.  Louise had had plenty of time to do that – she’d thought about nothing else since this morning.  “Nobody knows I’m here. I came across on the ferry – I didn’t have to give my name in order to buy the ticket.  Heather, they didn’t even check my passport!”

It was true.  The authorities on either side of the Irish Sea hadn’t asked for her passport, for identification, anything.  Louise had been prepared for the fact that they might look for ID, although she knew that nothing would be entered into a computer, or on the passenger manifesto, which is why she’d taken the fast-ferry to Holyhead, as opposed to a aeroplane.  After that she’d taken a bus ride down to Cardiff, and that was it.  She’d done it.  She’d escaped her horrible life in Ireland and was now ready to start a new one.  She just needed Heather’s help for a little while.  OK, so her sister was in a bit of shock now, but not as much shock as she’d have been in if Louise had been on the train!  So this was much better all round really.

“Louise, listen to me – you can’t do this,” Heather repeated slowly as though she were talking to a child. “You can’t just run away. You have to go back. Look, I know you’re upset about what happened in court yesterday, and I know this Sam guy hurt you very much …” her tone softened,  “but you have to go back.”

“I can’t go back!” Louise’s voice broke slightly.  “I made a mess of things – I always make a mess of everything! I thought he cared about me … I thought he genuinely liked me.” She flinched as Heather lightly touched her arm.  “But I was an idiot.  I’m always
an idiot. I’ve been an idiot all my life.  Now I finally have the chance to start over, to start afresh and leave that person behind.”

“Honey, you’ll never be able to leave that person behind because whether you like it or not that person is you!   And you’re not an idiot – in fact, you’re one of the kindest and most loving people I’ve ever known.  Look at all you did for me and Andy, giving up your share of the house when we needed it, thinking of us rather than yourself.”

Louise sniffed. “It was the least I could do after ruining your wedding plans with my bloody accident.” At the thought of the accident, her stomach turned.

“That wasn’t your fault, Louise. No matter what that judge might say, no matter what that Sam guy said – you know and I know that it wasn’t your fault.”

“But maybe it was, Heather!  You know what I’m like, I day-dream about things all the time, I’m forgetful and silly and … oh, I’m just an idiot, a stupid, pathetic idiot.”

“That’s not true,” Heather insisted.  “You’re just going through a tough time at the moment, a rough patch.  But whatever happens, you’ll get over it.” When Louise shook her head, she added vehemently. “You’ve got over worse.”

Her sister looked at her questioningly.

“What about Mam and Dad’s death?  We got through that, didn’t we, you and me?  You’re a strong person, Louise, and although it might not seem like it now, you will come out of this.  I know you will.  And I’ll help you, and I’m sure your friend – Fiona, is it? – she’ll help you too.”

At the thought of Fiona, Louise instantly felt guilty.

“What would she make of all this?” Heather asked, as if reading her thoughts.  “How will she feel when she finds out about the accident, and thinks the worst when you don’t come home this evening?”

“She won’t care,” Louise said petulantly. “Not about anything other than how she’s going to pay for next month’s rent.”  The deposit she’d paid would take care of that anyway, she remembered, trying to assuage some of her guilt about leaving Fiona and Becky in the lurch.  They’d get over it.  They didn’t care much about her anyway – Fiona, Becky, Gemma, nobody.  In fact, there were very few people who would give a damn whether or not she died in that crash. 

When she said this to Heather, she shook her head.  “Now you’re being silly, and you’re feeling sorry for yourself.  No friends indeed! What about all those nights out and shopping trips you’re always telling me about, and that lovely holiday in Spain you took a while back?  You’re not telling me now that you did all those things on your own, are you?”

Louise shook her head.  “They’re just work friends,” she tried to sound offhand. “We’re not that close.”

Heather sighed. “Louise, I’m sorry but I won’t be a part of this, and I can’t let you do it.  I know things might seem bad now, but I promise you everything will be OK eventually.  But you have to go back home and face the music.”

Louise shook her head.  “Don’t want to.” She knew she sounded like a child, but she couldn’t believe that Heather was trying to force her to go back.

Heather’s temper was now beginning to fray.  “Louise, this is silly!  What would Mam and Dad say?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Fair? Fair? What about all those people who have lost friends and loved ones in that crash?  Think about how fair that is!  Think about how devastated and upset they are right now, and then think about how selfish and cold-hearted you are being by trying to capitalise on their grief!”

“I’m not trying to capitalise on it.  I’m – ”

“Yes, you are!  This is a terrible tragedy, and you’re trying to turn it to your own gain!  Just because your life isn’t going the way you want it, you’ve decided you’re going to bow out, just like that.” Heather put her hands on her hips, and her eyes flashed angrily. “You know, now that I think of it, you
are
pathetic, Louise, and yes, you are an idiot. Because what you’re doing is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever come across, and I don’t know why you felt you could involve me in it!”

With that, Heather walked out of the room and slammed the door behind her, leaving Louise feeling lonelier and more pathetic than she’d ever felt in her life.   

That same evening, in a house on the other side of the Irish Sea, another family was also trying to come to terms with the day’s events.

“You stupid bastard!” David yelled at Robert, evidently enraged by his brother-in-law’s callousness. “How could you say something like that? How could you even
think
about something as trivial as the house?  They haven’t even found my mother’s body yet!”

Listening upstairs on the landing, Rosie raised an interested eyebrow. David sounded mightily unimpressed.

“Don’t you dare speak to my husband like that!” Sophie snapped, sounding a lot less tearful now. “He’s only saying what has to be said.  And you know, David, he does have a point.  With Mum gone, this house is now legally mine and Robert’s.  I know you’ve been living here too, but – ”

“You selfish little bitch!” David growled. “Our mother
died
this morning, and all you can think about is how soon you can get your grubby little hands on her house!  Well, you can go sing, Sophie – I’m not going anywhere until I’m good and ready – and certainly not until I’ve had a chance to grieve properly for Mum.  She deserves that – she deserves a lot more than any of us ever gave her.”

“Oh, come off it, David!” Sophie jeered. “Typical you, getting all maudlin now that Mum’s no longer around.  You weren’t too worried about what she deserved when you moved back in with her, were you?”

Rosie closed her eyes, almost afraid to breathe.  It was surreal, being here listening to this.  It almost felt as though she was secretly attending her own funeral.   

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you taking over this place, changing things around to suit yourself, hunting her out of her own kitchen, and making her feel like a stranger in her own home!” So Sophie did suspect something then, Rosie realised.  Her daughter had after all figured out how hard her mother might be finding it, having David home again.  Yet she had never said a word.

“What? I never did anything like that!” David sounded genuinely astonished.  “I tried to stay out of Mum’s way!  I didn’t want to disturb her by coming back and creating an upheaval, so I tried my best to keep out of her way.  As far as I know she was happy enough in her room, with her dog and …” With that he stopped short. “Oh, Jesus, the bloody dog!”

“That dirty little thing that leaves hairs everywhere?” Robert ventured. “What about it?”

“Oh dear,” Sophie said then, and Rosie could almost picture her biting her lip guiltily, the way she always did when she was a little girl, “now that I think of it, I remember Mum rang me last night going on about the dog.  I can’t be sure, to be honest, I was pretty full on champagne at the time so –”

“The dog ran away last night.  Mum went out to look for her.  She blamed me, thought it was all my fault, but it wasn’t like that.  I came home early, and the dog growled at me, so I growled back.  And then she nipped me on the leg. That dog never liked me for some reason.”

“Really? Why ever not?” Sophie drawled.

David ignored her. “Anyway, a couple of minutes later, some guy called with a delivery for Mum from one of her catalogues.  Anyway, at this stage the dog was all worked up – it started barking like crazy, chased him out of the hallway, and followed him all the way down the path.  I thought it would come back after that, but by the time Mum came home it was long gone.” He sounded guilty.  “When she asked me about it, to be honest, I was a bit short with her, but I’d had a shit day and the last thing I needed was a row over a bloody dog.  But Mum thought I’d kicked her out on purpose.”

“She must have phoned me shortly after that, then,” Sophie finished.  “Still, it’s not as though
I
could do anything – I live halfway across the city for goodness’ sake! As if I was going to leave all my guests to go and look for a stupid dog!” She spoke as though it was the most ridiculous idea she’d ever heard.  “So did she find the stinky little thing?” she added idly.

“As a matter of fact, I did.”

All three looked up in shock as Rosie quietly entered the room – her face expressionless, her eyes sharp and wary.

“Oh, Jesus!” Robert went white.

“Mum!” Sophie pealed. “You’re alive! But how … ?”

“I wasn’t on the train,” she told them simply. “I didn’t go to Sheila’s this morning.”

For what seemed like an age, nobody said a word – they all just stared at Rosie, flummoxed by her appearance.

“Mum, I’m so sorry,” David whispered eventually. “We really thought … we thought you’d …”

“I know.” Rosie looked at the images on the television, feeling slightly outside of herself as she looked at the wreckage, the extent of the damage to the train that, on any other Thursday morning, she would have been inside. There but for the grace of God …

“Oh Mum!” Sophie leapt forward, and put her arms around Rosie. “We were so worried, we were so sure –.”

“You were so sure you’d get your inheritance sooner than you expected?” said Rosie, stiffening in Sophie’s embrace.

Sophie drew back, her cheeks pink, and Robert looked duly ashamed.

David, on the other hand, looked happier and more animated than Rosie had seen him in ages. “Mum, I’m so happy you’re OK,” he said, the words tumbling out quickly, “and I’m really sorry about Twix.  I went out shortly afterwards to help you look for her.  Maureen from next door told me you’d gone down the town, so I thought maybe you’d found her, but it was late by the time I got back and your light was off so … is she here?”

Rosie shook her head sadly. “She got knocked down by a car, David.  She’s dead.”

His face went white.  “Oh, Jesus, Mum!  How … how are you?”

“Well I’m upset of course,” she told him tearfully. “Well, no, I’m actually devastated, but there’s nothing I can do for her now. She’s gone and that’s the end of it.”

The room was once again uncomfortably silent for a very long while.

Eventually, Rosie cleared her throat.  It was now or never. “Well, I suppose I should be pleased you all got so worked up about my supposed death,” she said, her heart pounding with nerves, “but I think I have a few years left in me yet.” She turned to her son, who at the moment was looking subdued and suitably chastened. “David, you and I have a few things to talk about. Things aren’t working out here and I think you and I both know that.”

David nodded silently.

“Sophie, Robert – I’m sure you two are a bit disappointed that you won’t be getting the house yet, but you’ll have to get over it.” Rosie couldn’t believe these words were coming out of her own mouth.  She sounded so strong, so assured!

Sophie’s eyes widened. “Mum, I –”

“I don’t want to hear it, Sophie.  For once, your poor old mother is going to think of herself.  I’m withdrawing my letter of guarantee to your bank.” Despite her strong words, her heart ached when she saw her daughter’s bewildered expression. God, she hated doing this, but she had to, didn’t she?  “I know this might affect your plans, but I’ve got my own plans too, so you’ll have to make your own arrangements.”

Then she turned once more to her son. “David, I don’t want you living here anymore – you’ve upset my life enough, and I think you should stop hiding away and try and face up to your own problems – whatever they might be.” She coughed slightly as she looked from one precious child to the other. “Your father and I did everything for you two growing up, and we tried our utmost to give you the best upbringing possible.  But,” she added, her voice growing hoarse now, as emotion overtook her, “there is no denying that, through our fault or not, the two of you have grown up to be selfish individuals.  So, just for once, I think I’m going to be selfish too.”

With that, Rosie picked up her coat, walked out of her living-room and outside to where Stephen waited patiently in the car – her two children standing open-mouthed in her wake.