Read With or Without You Online
Authors: Helen Warner
Dear Mimi & Tom
,
By the time you read this I will be gone from your lives forever. But before I go, there are some things I want to tell you.
Firstly (and most importantly) I cannot begin to express how much happiness you have both brought me.
Mimi, from the moment you were put into my arms, all red and scrunched up, your fists flailing and your perfect little mouth opening and closing as you bawled, I fell in love with you.
We had such a wonderful time together, those first few years, but it wasn’t until you, my gorgeous Tom, were born that the fun really started. It seems to me like you were born smiling
and you have smiled ever since. You made our family complete and we loved you instantly and passionately.
I want you both to know that none of what happened is your fault. There is only one person to blame and that’s me. I did something very wrong and there hasn’t been one single
moment since that I haven’t regretted it and wished fervently that I could turn back the hands of time and make it not have happened.
But I can’t go back and change anything. And that is why I am writing this letter to you now. Now that your mum is with Charlie, I think it would be best for everyone concerned if
I was no longer here.
Losing your beautiful mum was very hard, but losing the love and respect of my two darling children has made me feel that I don’t want to be in this world if I can’t see you
and spend precious time with you, having stupid debates over the breakfast table and going out exploring on our bikes like we always used to do.
I can understand why neither of you have wanted to see me or have anything to do with me, but the truth is, without you in my life, I have no purpose and no future. Don’t blame
yourselves. Blame me.
So, goodbye my beautiful children. I love you to infinity and beyond.
Dad
xxx
‘And the Oscar goes to . . .’ There was an overly long pause, as the dark-haired actress in the emerald green sequinned dress tried to build the tension. ‘. . . Charlie
Simmons!’
On the TV set, Charlie could be seen beaming with delight as he stood up and gave a half-wave to the applauding audience around him, before striding towards the stage at a pace that suggested he
couldn’t wait to get there.
He kissed the girl in the green dress on both cheeks and took the small gold statue she was holding out to him. Then he walked towards the microphone, his eyes shining and his smile wide.
‘Thank you!’ he cried. ‘Thank you so much! I really am overwhelmed with gratitude for this honour.
‘If you’ll forgive me for bumbling through this like an idiot,’ he continued, prompting a polite but generous ripple of laughter from the auditorium, ‘there are some
people I need to thank.’
He took a deep, steadying breath before beginning by thanking the cast and crew. ‘Next,’ he said, clearing his throat slightly, ‘I’d like to thank my ex-wife, Liv Mason .
. .’ A murmur of surprise went through the crowd, causing him to pause momentarily with a slightly raised eyebrow. ‘Liv gave up her life here in Hollywood to move back to the UK with
me, so that I could be nearer to our beautiful son, Felix. It was a big sacrifice for her to make, but I’m happy to say that her acting career hasn’t suffered as a result. In fact,
I’d be willing to bet that she’s standing on this very stage next year, when she wins the best actress Oscar!’ There was another low hum of laughter.
‘I’d like to thank my parents, Mike and Jo, for their unstinting support . . .’ he continued. ‘And of course, my darling Felix, who is such an inspiration to
me.’
There was another pause, and Charlie’s smile shrank as he seemed to struggle with his emotions. ‘But most of all I’d like to thank my beautiful wife, Martha, who can’t be
here tonight because our baby is due imminently and she wasn’t able to fly out from our home in England.’
A wave of ‘aaahhhh’s washed over the auditorium.
Charlie’s eyes glistened as he looked into the TV camera in front of him. ‘But, darling, I know you’re watching with Mimi and Tom and I just want to say thank you, from the
bottom of my heart, for giving me a reason to live. I love you.’ As he finished speaking, he broke into a wide smile once more and held his Oscar statuette aloft in a gesture of victory.
Jamie reached for the remote control and pressed the ‘Off’ button. For several moments he stared at the black screen in which he could see his reflection, sitting
alone in the middle of a worn-out sofa, surrounded by bits of screwed-up paper. It seemed apt, somehow, and gave him a sense of grim satisfaction. A sense that justice had been done.
He looked down at the letter in his hand. He had found it earlier while tidying out one of the drawers in his small flat and had slumped down onto the floor, feeling shaken by its contents and
trying to remember how he had felt the night he wrote it.
He had fully intended to end it all, but during the dark night of the soul that followed, he had sat up for hours crying, imagining the effect it would have on Mimi and Tom’s lives
forever, knowing that their dad had killed himself. By the time dawn broke, he knew that he couldn’t do it to them.
And, in a twisted quirk of fate, it was that morning that Mimi chose to ring him for the first time since he had left, to tell him that she and Tom wanted to see him. He had expected their first
meeting to be stilted and peppered with recriminations, but as soon as they saw each other they fell into each other’s arms, crying with relief and happiness. It was almost as if they sensed
how close they had come to losing him forever. Since then, the children had kept him strong, and they had developed a new depth to their relationship now that the anger and hurt had abated.
The way their lives had worked out meant that he could take some comfort from knowing that he had done the right thing. He couldn’t have lived with the knowledge that Martha was only
staying with him because of the children, while deep down she was in love with Charlie. But Martha would never have ended their marriage if he hadn’t set up a false account and sent himself
that email, supposedly from Debra. He had given Martha the reason she needed to find happiness with someone else. Someone who deserved her.
Jamie got up and went to the tiny kitchenette, which was sectioned off from the living area by a small breakfast bar. He opened the fridge and took out the bottle of non-alcoholic fizz he had
bought earlier. Charlie Simmons wasn’t the only one with something to celebrate that day. He opened it with a practised pop and took two glasses out of the cupboard. They weren’t
champagne glasses but they would have to suffice.
As he filled the second glass, the intercom buzzed. Jamie smiled to himself and picked up the handset, which was mounted on the wall beside him. She was coming to help him celebrate the fact
that he had finally secured a deal to write two children’s books, realising a life-long dream of his.
‘Hi,’ she said, the sound of her voice making his insides flutter for the first time in a very long while. ‘It’s me, Liv.’
I simply wouldn’t have had a clue where to start in Hollywood if it wasn’t for the help of Vickie White, Nigel Stoneman, Carla Romano and Natalka Znak – thank
you all for your valuable insights.
I am also indebted to Sharon Osbourne, who was as “
fabulous
” as ever in LA and generously shared her experiences as a Brit living the high life in
Tinseltown.
The biggest thanks goes to my old friend Jacqui Moore, who flew in from New York to act as chauffeur, chaperone, tour guide, running buddy and dining companion. I don’t
think I’ve ever laughed as much as I did during our time in LA. Thanks Jaqs!
Heartfelt thanks to Maxine Hitchcock, who was at her usual brilliant best when editing this novel and to Clare Hey and the whole team at Simon & Schuster for their
continued support.
Huge thanks to my wonderful agent, Sheila Crowley, who is always there for me and to everyone at Curtis Brown.
Thank you also to Alex Bowley, who has supported me in so many ways for so many years now.
Nothing would be possible without my amazing family. It’s been a difficult year (RIP dad) but we’ve come through it stronger than ever. Thank you all.
And finally, extra-special thanks to Alice, Paddy & Rob, who make it all worthwhile.