With or Without You (36 page)

Through their counselling sessions, Martha had had to accept that although it wasn’t her fault that Jamie had had the affair, she had to shoulder some of the responsibility for not
noticing how emasculated and unfulfilled he was feeling, or what an impact his mother’s death had had on him.

But every time she tried to open herself up to him emotionally, the hurt would come seeping through her veins again and she would retreat back into herself. And then she would think that she
deserved better than a husband who cheated on her so casually. That she deserved a man who could stay faithful. A man like Charlie.

The irony of the situation she had found herself in was that it wasn’t Jamie’s tart who was the third person in their marriage, it was Charlie. Martha believed Jamie when he said
that he never gave Debra a thought, except to think that he wished he had never clapped eyes on her. But they both knew that Martha couldn’t honestly make the same claim about Charlie. She
thought about him endlessly, and because Jamie knew her so well, he could always tell.

In many ways she was relieved that Charlie had made the decision for her not to do his memoirs, thus ensuring that it was highly unlikely that they would ever see each other again. But on the
other hand, Martha couldn’t get over her sense of loss at the prospect of losing him for good, and many times found herself fantasising over what might have been.

Finally, she reached the immigration desk and after a sullen interrogation, she was free to go. She hailed a taxi and ordered it to go to the Four Seasons, where she would be spending two nights
before returning home. Peering out of the window from the back seat, as the cab raced towards Beverly Hills, she was struck by how many memories of Charlie there were here. Everywhere she looked,
there seemed to be reminders of him and their short time together.

Almost immediately, the sun began to lift her spirits and cheer her mood, which had been further dampened at home by autumn creeping in with a smoky, grey chill. And as the warmth seeped into
her bones, she began to look forward to the meeting she had lined up with Liv.

Although she knew that it must have been painful for her, Martha was relieved that Liv had got help for her drinking. It had been clear when they last met that she was on a dangerous path and
she could understand why Charlie had been thinking of going for custody of Felix. But at the same time, Liv’s devotion to her son was evident and Martha hoped that Charlie would have a change
of heart. She couldn’t imagine anything worse than the pain of losing your child, even if you still had access. Martha knew for certain that it would absolutely kill her to lose Mimi and Tom
and she felt sure that Liv would be the same.

The taxi dropped her in the familiar courtyard in front of the hotel and Martha looked up at the towering building, feeling a swirl of affection for its golden pink walls. After checking in, she
made her way down to the pool, where an attendant immediately made up a sunbed for her. Martha slipped off her boots, which she had needed back in the UK as protection from the incessant rain, and
lay down with her bare feet and legs exposed to the sun, enjoying the delicious warmth that immediately spread from her feet through her whole body.

She lay with her eyes closed for a little while, before a voice caused her to open them in shock.

‘Is this bed taken?’

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Martha gasped, sitting up and shielding her eyes with her hand to make sure she wasn’t seeing things.

Charlie sat down on the bed beside hers and stretched his long legs out in front of him, then he turned to look at her with a wide, mischievous smile. ‘Louisa,’ he said, rolling his
eyes.

‘But Louisa said you were away filming.’

‘Filming, yes. Away, no. I’m filming here in LA.’

‘Then why did Louisa . . .?’ Martha shook her head, feeling baffled.

‘She seemed to think you wouldn’t come if you thought you might bump into me,’ Charlie interrupted. ‘Or more to the point, if your husband thought you might bump into me,
which is pretty ironic, isn’t it? So she was a bit economical with the truth. She said you seemed pretty unhappy and she thought it might have something to do with me. She seemed to think we
might have some unfinished business.’

Martha could feel the heat in her cheeks that was nothing to do with the sun beating down. Had her unhappiness been that obvious, even to a relative stranger? Her mouth felt dry and her heart
was suddenly pounding. ‘Do we?’ she managed to say, her voice sounding higher than usual.

‘I think we do, yes,’ Charlie said. The fact that he didn’t move from his position on his lounger and didn’t look at her somehow made her feel even more exposed to his
proximity.

‘Why are you even bothering with me, Charlie?’ she murmured. ‘You could have any woman you want.’

‘But I don’t want any woman . . .’ He smiled at the sky before turning his dark brown eyes towards her and saying the words that made her whole body turn to liquid: ‘I
want you.’

‘I want you too,’ she replied, before her brain had time to censure her words. And as she spoke she realised that it was the truth. ‘But it’s all much too complicated . .
.’ she added, feeling a sense of sadness wash over her, slowing her heart and drenching the swell of excitement that had started to build inside her.

Charlie didn’t speak for a while and her words hung in the still air between them. ‘You see,’ he said at last, ‘I’ve had a lot of time to think while Liv’s
been in rehab and me and Felix were off travelling. And I’ve decided that things are only as complicated as you allow them to be.’

‘Sorry, Charlie,’ Martha sighed, shaking her head sadly. ‘I don’t agree. If we didn’t have kids, then yes, it would be straightforward. I would have gone by now.
But when you have kids . . .’ she tailed off as the thought of Tom and Mimi caused her to choke up. ‘Well, it changes everything,’ she finished.

‘But look at Felix,’ Charlie said, swinging his legs over the side of the sunbed and sitting up so that he was facing her, instantly reminding her of the time they were here before,
when he first kissed her. ‘His mum left me for someone else and yet both of us still have such a close relationship with him and he’s a very happy, balanced kid.’

‘But they’d blame me!’ Martha cried, also swinging her legs round and putting them on the ground, so that they were sitting with their knees almost touching.
‘That’s the bit I couldn’t bear!’ She looked up at Charlie, silently pleading with him to understand.

‘Then maybe you should tell them the truth.’

‘No,’ Martha said, shaking her head emphatically. ‘No, I could never do that. It would destroy all of us.’

‘Instead of just destroying you, you mean?’

She took a deep, shuddery breath as her mind whirled. ‘But what if we’re not compatible?’ She reached out and took Charlie’s hand in hers. ‘What if I leave him for
you, only to find that we didn’t really know each other after all and it doesn’t work out?’

Charlie’s eyes bored into her. ‘Then don’t leave him for me,’ he said. ‘Leave him for yourself.’

Martha’s heart plummeted. ‘But I thought . . . I mean . . . you said you wanted me . . .?’

‘I do.’ Charlie gave her hand a firm, reassuring squeeze. ‘But don’t leave him for me. Leave him because you’re not happy to stay. If things were to work out with
us – and I really hope they do – then great.’

It felt to Martha as if a rollercoaster was running through her head, as her emotions rose and fell with each breath.

‘I don’t know, Charlie,’ she said, her voice sounding as tiny as she herself felt.

‘I think you do know,’ he murmured, leaning forward and touching his lips against hers, causing her head to swim. She closed her eyes as his tongue began to explore her mouth and she
could feel herself sinking into him.

Charlie pulled away from her and looked into her eyes, as if he was searching her soul for something. Without speaking, they stood up together, their hands still clasped, and Martha nodded,
almost imperceptibly.

Liv opened the huge front door. ‘Hi, again!’ she smiled, reaching out to kiss Martha on both cheeks.

Martha appeared to do a double-take. ‘Wow,’ she said, following Liv through the hallway into the kitchen at the back of the house. ‘You look amazing!’

‘Thanks!’ Liv smiled shyly, as she headed for the kettle and flicked it on. She was pleased at the compliment, but equally she felt embarrassed and ashamed to think about how bad she
must have been before. ‘You look great too,’ she added quickly, taking in Martha’s shining eyes and glossy hair, so different to how she’d looked when she arrived at the
house with Charlie all those months ago. ‘Actually, you look . . . glowing. You’re not pregnant, are you?’

‘No!’ Martha gulped, immediately flushing bright red and looking down, making sure that her hair fell in front of her face and covered her blushes.

Instantly, Liv’s radar was up and she was itching to ask more, but instead she made herself and Martha some earl grey tea and led her out through the French doors towards the table and
chairs by the infinity pool. ‘It’s such a gorgeous day,’ she said. ‘I thought maybe we could do the interview out here?’

‘Great!’ Martha followed her down the path. ‘Wow, I’d forgotten how amazing this view is,’ she added, as they reached the table and sat down.

‘It is, isn’t it?’ Liv agreed, looking out over the Hollywood hills towards LA and the sea beyond, which was usually blanketed by the smog but today glittered cobalt blue in
the shimmering sunlight.

Martha took her mini recorder out of her bag and placed it on the table between them. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’ she asked, raising her eyebrows questioningly at Liv.

Liv swallowed and shook her head quickly. Even though she felt as if she knew Martha and could trust her, she still had an innate mistrust of journalists. So much horrible stuff had been written
about her, Charlie and Danny in the past that she had come to expect it.

As if reading her thoughts, Martha spoke: ‘I’m not here to stitch you up, Liv. You can trust me.’

Liv smiled. ‘I know. It’s just that they all say that, don’t they?’

‘Yes,’ agreed Martha with a good-natured grin. ‘But I’m better than all the others!’ She leaned forward and switched the recorder on, then pulled a notepad and pen
out of her bag and wrote something on the pad.

Liv watched her intently. She really did look radiant in a way that was not attributable to just diet and exercise. In Liv’s experience, only being in love could make you look so good . .
. or make you look so bad when it went wrong. ‘So, how are things?’ she said, her curiosity getting the better of her. ‘You know, personally?’

Martha looked up in surprise. ‘Um, good,’ she replied, her eyes darting from side to side as if she was an animal trapped within range of a hunter’s rifle.

‘I’m glad,’ Liv said, smiling. ‘He’s a lovely man, Martha.’

Once again, the blood raced to Martha’s cheeks as she flushed deep red. ‘He is,’ she agreed, picking up her cup of Earl Grey and taking a long sip.

‘I really appreciate what he did for me,’ Liv continued. ‘I don’t know what I’d have done if it wasn’t for him that night . . .’

Martha frowned. ‘The night you went into rehab?’ Her eyes took on a sympathetic look and her voice softened as she spoke, making Liv want to curl up with shame.

‘No. That was the next day, after Charlie found out what had happened.’

Martha’s frown deepened. ‘But I thought you were talking about Charlie?’

Liv’s radar, which had already been on high alert, suddenly felt as if it had started whirling around with a klaxon sounding. ‘No. I was talking about Jamie.’

‘Jamie?’ Martha’s mouth dropped open in shock. ‘
My
Jamie?’

Now it was Liv’s turn to frown. ‘Yes, Martha,
your
Jamie! Didn’t you know what happened that night?’

Martha shook her head mutely.

‘I can’t believe he didn’t tell you!’ Liv shook her head in disbelief. ‘He was such a hero.’

‘Sorry,’ Martha stammered. ‘I have got absolutely no idea what you’re talking about!’

‘Wow,’ Liv mouthed. ‘A modest hero too. He went out and found Felix for me, after he’d run away . . .’

‘Felix ran away? Why? Where were you?’ Martha interjected with a battery of questions, still frowning in confusion.

Liv swallowed hard and could feel her cheeks burning just like Martha’s. ‘I was here.’ She hoped that her quiet tone would convey just how ashamed she felt. ‘But I was
sleeping. Well, that’s not strictly true. I was drunk,’ she admitted. ‘So I passed out and Felix went off looking for Charlie . . .’

Martha clapped her hand over her mouth. ‘On his own?’ she gasped, her eyes widening in horror. ‘Around these roads?’

Liv nodded meekly as the memory forced its way to the front of her brain. ‘It was horrific. Anything could have happened to him . . .’ the tears flashed into her eyes. ‘But
Jamie found him and brought him back. And he didn’t tell Charlie because I asked him not to . . . and he obviously didn’t tell you either. He’s a really special guy.’

Martha bit her lip and looked away.

‘Martha?’ Liv prompted. ‘Please tell me you guys have worked through your problems?’

‘You mean him cheating on me?’ Martha spat back, and Liv reeled at the sudden hostility in her expression.

‘Well, yes,’ she said. ‘I did know about that but he seemed genuinely sorry, Martha. And he really seemed to love you very much.’

Martha closed her eyes, as if to compose herself. ‘And I loved him . . .’ she murmured.

‘Past tense?’

Martha opened her eyes and considered. ‘No, not really. I still do love him. But . . .’

‘But you also love Charlie?’ Liv finished the sentence for her.

Martha shrugged. ‘I think maybe I do, yes.’

Liv nodded to herself. She had known all along that there was something between them. There was an energy and tension that you could almost see whenever they were together.

‘Have you seen him again?’

Martha didn’t answer at first and Liv wondered if perhaps she was prying too much. But then Martha gave a tiny nod. ‘Yes,’ she murmured. ‘Yesterday. He came and found
me.’