Authors: Norah Simone
Despite her father's death, Katie missed only one day of school. Her teachers were sympathetic to her loss and offered her extensions on all work due, but Katie turned in all of her assignments on time. She poured herself into her studies, getting higher grades than she ever had before.
“I want to make my dad proud,” she explained to Tabitha over lunch one day. “I know it's stupid and really sort of cliché, but I know brains were really important to him. If there is a heaven and he's looking down on me, I want him to know how hard I'm working.”
“That makes sense, but you know, he was always proud of you,” Tabitha reminded her friend gently. “Your dad didn't care whether you got straight A's or you failed every class. He was just happy to be your dad.”
Katie smiled brightly. “Thanks Tabby.” She glanced at her watch before saying she should go review her notes before class. It was quiz day in Algebra, and Katie wanted to make sure she had all of the necessary formulas memorized before the exam.
Tabitha waved goodbye to her friend and finished her lunch alone. Mom had packed her a turkey sandwich and a packet of gummy bears. Tabitha had loved gummy bears ever since she was a little girl. Mom had used them as a teaching tool to get Tabitha interested in math. The two of them would count out the gummy bears before practicing addition and subtraction using math. Subtraction was Tabitha's favorite part because it meant she got to eat a few of the bears.
Today as she ate the bears she thought about being a little girl who was happy and content. She thought about Dad every day, but he still hadn't called her. Christmas had been spent alone with Mom and Uncle Nick. Tabitha always had a great time with Uncle Nick, but it still wasn't the same as having Dad around. Instead of a traditional turkey dinner, the trio had eaten take-out Chinese food and watched movies. Uncle Nick bought Tabitha a journal to record her thoughts and feelings.
“Every young lady should have a private place to explore her thoughts,” Nick said with a wink.
Tabitha had never kept a journal before, but she wrote faithfully in this one every day. Tabitha often felt angry at her Dad, so she tried not to think about him. Her heart betrayed her frequently, though, and she constantly found herself daydreaming about the past and of a world where her parents were together. Many of her daydreams became instruments of exploration in her journal. She kept records of her dreams and of the things she wondered about. She also spent a lot of time writing about Katie, who had become completely absorbed in studying. Sometimes Tabitha felt distant from Katie, but she knew that her friend was just struggling to cope. Katie had been writing a diary for a few years, so she gave Tabitha pointers and ideas for making her journal more personal and intimate.
“Try putting in some stickers or pasting a picture in each entry,” Katie advised. “You can also use different colored pens for different days of the week, just for fun.”
Tabitha took her advice and now, after just a few weeks, her journal was filled with an array of colors and images to complement her careful, but sloppy handwriting.
As Tabitha finished her lunch, she pulled her journal from her backpack and stared at the cover. It was a picture of a white bird with brightly colored wings. The caption read “With Wings I Soar” and Tabitha loved it. She imagined she was a bird flying free in a world without divorce or death or anything bad.
“Nice book, can I have a look?” Ryan's cheery voice drew Tabitha from her thoughts and brought her back to reality.
“Ha, not a chance!” She put the journal back in her backpack and zipped it tightly.
“For your eyes only, huh?”
“You know it. So what's up?”
“I just saw you sitting over here alone and I wanted to check on you. How's it going?”
Tabitha smiled at her friend. Most of her spare time had been spent with Katie. Although they rarely spoke about their fathers, each girl found comfort knowing her friend understood what it was like to be abandoned.
“It's going okay,” Tabitha tried to relax without pouring her heart out to Ryan, who probably didn't want to hear about all of her problems and issues.
“Did you have a good Christmas?” Ryan pried, and Tabitha smiled at his persistence.
“Yeah, it was fine. What about you?”
“Nothing to write home about. I had Christmas at my Grandma's and then Hanukkah with my Mom. It was fun and the food was great,” he smiled brightly. “And it was nice getting to see my cousins again.”
“I don't have any cousins,” Tabitha said wistfully. “But I bet it must be nice.”
“Wow, no cousins at all?”
“Nope. My dad is an only child and my mom's brother doesn't have any kids yet, so it's just me.”
“That must be lonely.”
“Yeah, I guess. You sort of get used to it after awhile. Besides, I don't really have anything to compare it to, so it doesn't really matter.”
Suddenly, the bell rang and the lunch room's volume level increased as students began rushing to their afternoon classes.
“I have to go,” Tabitha said to Ryan. “But thanks for saying hi.”
“Anytime. Hey, Tabitha, do you wanna hang out later? Maybe study at my house or something?”
Tabitha grinned at Ryan. “That sounds great. Meet you after class?”
“It's a date.”
Ryan was waiting for Tabitha outside when she finished her last class. She had already seen Katie and told her about visiting with Ryan. Katie didn't mind at all.
“I have a bunch of homework tonight, so it's fine. Besides, it means more of Mom's lasagna for me!”
Tabitha was glad that Katie was so understanding and wasn't jealous of her new friendship with Ryan. Tabitha loved being friends with Katie and considered her to be like a sister, but it was nice to have a new friend to spend time with, too. Ryan was always smiling and laughing. Even when he was quiet, his eyes sparkled and Tabitha wondered what sort of secrets he held.
“Hey Tabby Cat!” Ryan greeted Tabitha.
She smiled. Katie was one of the only people who called her that, but she didn't mind Ryan using her special nickname.
“Hey Ryan.”
“Ready for awesomeness?”
Tabitha laughed and nodded vigorously. She was ready to have fun, unwind, and get her mind off the recent events in her life. If nothing else, she wanted to pretend to be normal, just for a little while.
Ryan stuck out his elbow for Tabitha to grab and the two giggled as they pranced down the sidewalk to Ryan's nearby house. He lived just two blocks from the school in a quiet neighborhood.
“Mostly retired people live here,” Ryan explained as he waved to one of his neighbors. “We're actually the only family with kids.”
Ryan lived with his mom, dad, and three sisters. His oldest sister, who was 18, had a son who also lived with them.
“Dylan's 1,” Ryan told Tabitha as the duo entered the house. “My sister's boyfriend left her as soon as he found out she was pregnant, but Dylan's part of the family now and I can't imagine life without the little noisemaker.”
“Noisemaker” was an accurate way to describe Dylan, Tabitha quickly discovered. She was bombarded with
plenty
of noise, greetings, and hugs as she stepped into the warm house. A fire burned in the corner fireplace, casting a mystical glow over the room.
“I'm Abby,” one girl hugged Tabitha. “It's so nice to meet you.”
A smaller girl who had two bright yellow braids trailing down her back said her name was Anna.
Ryan's third and oldest sister, Kathy, was at work, but her son baby Dylan was at home with the girls and he toddled up to Tabitha with open arms.
“Aw, what a cutie.” Tabitha bent down to pick up the little boy. She hugged him tightly and breathed in deeply. He smelled like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and warm milk. His hands were sticky as he hugged her momentarily before wiggling away with a snarky giggle.
“He loves new people,” Abby offered with a grin before she left to follow the toddler.
“We babysit after school,” Anna told Tabitha. “Kathy has to work so we help out with the little guy. It's pretty fun and it's good practice for when we grow up and have kids.”
“Yeah, but that had better be a long time down the road,” Ryan joked.
“Yeah, yeah. I know. No dating 'til I'm 30. You already told me.”
“How old are you now?” Tabitha asked.
“I'm 12 and Abby's 14, almost 15.”
“Oh, I didn't realize we were the same age.”
“Yeah, but you're probably more mature than Abby,” Anna said with a laugh.
“Hey!” Called Abby from the adjacent room. “I heard you!”
Anna erupted in giggles and scurried to the other room to chat with her sister.
“Let's get out of here,” Ryan grabbed Tabitha's hand and led her down a flight of carpeted stairs to the basement. The family room was large and comfortable. Two large couches sat in the center of the room facing a large television. Board games were piled and tossed around the room. Several large bookshelves lined the walls and were filled with all kinds of textbooks and novels. Ryan grinned at Tabitha's excited reaction to the books.
“Impressed? I thought you might be. You did tell me you were kind of a bookworm.”
Tabitha smiled warmly and dropped her backpack to the floor before examining the bookshelves. There was an entire bookcase full of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boy mysteries. Another bookshelf held books entirely in foreign languages. Yet another bookcase offered textbooks and workbooks.
“Leftover from when we were home schooled,” Ryan explained. “Plus, my dad just loves to read. He went back to college a few years ago to get his Master's degree and instead of selling his books at the end of each semester, he just saved them down here.”
“What do your parents do?”
“Dad's an accountant. My mom works at a bookstore.”
“That's cool. She must like that since you guys love to read.”
“Yeah, she gets a discount so it seems like most of her paycheck goes toward financing her reading habit.”
The two laughed for a moment before Ryan motioned Tabitha to one of the couches.
“Have a seat and I'll grab us a couple of drinks before we start studying.”
Tabitha allowed her body to sink into the soft cushions of the couch. The couch was so wonderful that it seemed to envelop her body and eat her alive. She didn't mind at all. The soft feeling of the throw pillows that had been haphazardly tossed around the sofa enveloped her even more, and Tabitha closed her eyes for a moment.
“Just for a minute,” she told herself. “Just until he gets back with the sodas.”
But soon Tabitha's eyes grew even heavier, and before Ryan returned she had drifted into a deep slumber.
“Way up! Way up!”
Tabitha's eyes popped open at the sound of baby Dylan's squeaky voice next to her ear. His tiny hands waved at her excitedly.
“Way up!” He repeated.
“I
am
awake now,” Tabitha rubbed her eyes. She still felt a bit groggy and she wondered how long she had been asleep for. A young woman, whom Tabitha assumed was Ryan's older sister, Kathy, sat on the floor across from Dylan.
“Come here, pumpkin,” she called to him warmly. The girl smiled at Tabitha. “I'm Kathy,” she told her, confirming Tabitha's suspicions. “Ryan had to go to a meeting at school, but I'd be happy to give you a ride home if you need one.”
Tabitha nodded. “That would be great. I should probably get going. What time is it, anyway?”
“Almost 7.”
Tabitha looked shocked. “Oh, man, my mom is going to freak out.”
“Oh, no, it's okay,” Kathy assured her. “Ryan called your mom from your phone while you were asleep and let her know what happened. She said it was okay not to wake you, so she's not worried.”
Tabitha sighed with relief. She would have felt guilty if Mom had been unnecessarily worried about her safety.
“Well, let's get you home, kiddo.” Kathy lifted Dylan up onto her hip and began walking upstairs to the living room, where she dressed the boy in his warm winter jacket and mittens. Dylan smiled and laughed as he clapped his hands together. Kathy slipped on her own coat before running outside to start the car.
“I want to give it a few minutes to warm up,” she explained to Tabitha. “It's a good car, but it's old, and sometimes it needs a few minutes before it's ready to go.”
Tabitha didn't mind. She took a few minutes to examine and admire the many family pictures that lined the entryway of the Shwartz's home. One row of pictures was displayed in chronological order beginning with Ryan's parents' wedding portrait. The couple looked very happy as they held hands in front of a tiny white church. Mrs. Shwartz's hair was pinned back in a neat, tight bun and Mr. Shwartz wore a snow white tuxedo. Their smiles seemed to stretch to the skies as they saw only bright days in their future. Tabitha wondered for a moment what made some marriages work and some fail. It seemed like they all began so happily, but somewhere along the journey some just broke down. She felt pained for a moment and slightly jealous that Ryan's family seemed so perfect, but she brushed off the thought as Kathy returned and said she was ready to take Tabitha home.
The ride home was short. Dylan sat in the backseat of the car in his car seat and happily ate a few crackers that Kathy had given him. Kathy entertained Tabitha with stories of growing up and told her a few silly things that Ryan had said and done as a child.
“Dylan really reminds me of Ryan as a kid. He's always having adventures and always curious about everything he sees. He really keeps me on my toes. I just hope he grows into as good a man as Ryan is.”
“Ryan is pretty nice,” Tabitha agreed. She paused a moment before deciding to ask a more personal question. “So, is being a mom really hard? Like, is it really scary?”
“You know, it really is. My mom always told me growing up that it was one of the hardest jobs in the world, but you don't realize how true that is until you have your own kid. You always think about your child all the time. You wonder if they're safe, what they're doing, what they're eating, if they're washing their hands, all that stuff. When I was pregnant I was scared all the time that something would be wrong or that something would happen during his birth and he'd get hurt or something. Now that he's old enough to be able to run around and climb and actually
get
hurt, I'm definitely even more worried.” Kathy paused for a minute to catch her breath.
Dylan laughed in the back seat and clapped his hands, and Kathy continued. “I actually pray a lot. I'm not a really religious girl, as you might have figured, but I'm constantly asking for protection for my baby. It's hard when I can't be around him all the time. Like, even at work I'm thinking about him all the time.”
As Kathy spoke, Tabitha wondered if her own mother worried about her as much as Kathy worried about little Dylan. Surely things had been easier for Mom raising Tabitha. After all, Dad had been there for a long time. He had always seemed far more protective and concerned than Mom. Dad was the one who had urged Tabitha to wear knee and elbow pads while roller skating or riding her bike. Mom had taken a more relaxed approach to parenting, allowing Tabitha to frequently make her own mistakes and errors and to learn from those bad decisions.
Tabitha wondered how Mom felt about being away from her all the time now. The two had been inseparable as long as Tabitha could remember, and while she herself had adjusted to public school without much difficulty or pain, she now began to wonder if Mom missed the closeness the two had shared.
“Did your mom worry about each of guys equally?” Tabitha queried, “You know, since there are so many of you?”
“I don't really know. I know she worried a lot about me because I was her first kid. I think most parents feel that way about their first child because it's a new experience. The second kid is usually a little bit easier because you know what to expect and you know that it's normal for kids to make silly choices that don't make sense. You know it's normal to have scrapes and bumps and bruises, but I think you still worry, at least a little bit.”
Kathy stopped speaking as the car screeched to a stop in front of Tabitha's house.
“Sorry,” Kathy said apologetically. “I call it the sqeak-mobile because it's so loud all the time.”
“It's okay. I don't mind at all – really! Thanks for the ride. It was nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too, Tabitha! See you later. And hey, give your mom an extra special hug when you see her. I'm sure she missed you this afternoon.”
Tabitha nodded to Kathy and waved goodbye to Dylan before turning to enter her house. She felt relaxed and alert after her lengthy nap, but was a little disappointed that she hadn't spent time with Ryan as planned. Kathy was a good conversationalist, for sure, and she left the car feeling like she had learned some new things about Ryan and his family. Tabitha's stomach began to growl as she opened the front door and smelled a warm aroma wafting from the kitchen.
“Mom!” Tabitha called out as she closed the front door behind her. “I'm home!”
“In the kitchen, Sweetie.”
Tabitha hurried to the kitchen as quickly as possible and was excited to find that Mom had actually cooked a delicious dinner. No take out tonight!
“I waited to eat with you so we could talk about our days.”
Tabitha smiled. Mom
had
missed her. Dropping her book bag on the floor by the table, Tabitha ran to Mom and gave her a big hug.
“I'm glad you're home. Sorry I was so late. I fell asleep.”
“I know you did, Sweetie, and it's okay. I'm not mad. I was just a little worried about you since you're never late.”
“Hey Mom?”
“Yes, Tabby?”
“Thanks for always taking care of me.”
Tabitha didn't know then that her warm feelings of appreciation would soon disappear and be replaced with anxiety and angst towards her mother. She couldn't imagine feeling anything but peaceful contentedness with this relationship. After all, Mom was the one who had stayed. She was the faithful one. The loyal parent who was steadfast and true. Despite all odds, Mom was now a successful career woman and a positive role model who always had time for Tabitha.
Tabitha soaked in the feeling of togetherness as she hugged her mother close. She smelled Mom's sweet tangy body spray. “Orange Tangerine” was Mom's favorite scent. Dad had bought her a big bottle last Christmas and Mom wore it every day without fail. Even now, in the midst of turmoil and changes, it was something Tabitha could depend on, and she clung to it.