Words Can Change Your Brain (17 page)

Research also shows that just watching the patterns of your natural breathing will change your brain in positive ways, and if you coordinate your breathing with another person, it will help the two of you to feel more calm and caring toward each other.
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At the end of his book
Emotions Revealed
,
Paul Ekman (the facial expression expert) writes, “I previously couldn’t understand why focusing our awareness on breathing would benefit emotional life.” But then, “like the proverbial bolt out of the blue,” he explains, he had an insight:

The very practice of learning to focus attention on an automatic process that required no conscious monitoring creates the capacity to be attentive to other automatic processes . . . We develop new neural pathways that allow us to do it. And here is the punch line: these skills transfer to other automatic processes—benefiting emotional behavior awareness and eventually, in some people, impulse awareness.

In conversations that get heated, the person who is capable of remaining calm will benefit the most. So by all means learn how to focus on your relaxation and breathing when difficult issues are discussed.

Step 2: Stay Present

When you focus intently on your breathing and relaxation, you pull your attention into the present moment. When we become completely absorbed in something as simple as breathing or relaxing a specific part of our body, the inner speech of everyday consciousness stops, at least momentarily, and this allows us to become aware of the subtle things that are immediately happening around us. We hear sounds we rarely notice, we feel more sensations in our body, and if we bring this “presentness” into a conversation, we hear more clearly the subtle tones of voice that give emotional meaning to the speaker’s words.

Here’s a little exercise created by the renowned author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle that you can do right now to experience the power of the present moment.
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Begin by concentrating on your right hand; then ask yourself this question: how can I really know, at this very moment, that my hand exists? The more you think about this question as you focus on your hand, the more sensations you’ll begin to feel.

If you don’t feel any difference after a minute or two, close your hand, very slowly, into a fist, and hold it tight for thirty seconds. Then spend the next thirty seconds slowly opening it back up. Pay attention to every sensation in each finger and your palm.

You’ll notice that in this deep state of concentration, your mind has become silent, and although you may not realize it, your blood pressure will have dropped. Being relaxed and in the present moment is beneficial to your heart.

Keep focusing on your hand and compare its “aliveness,” as Tolle calls it, to your other hand. Using this technique, you can bring that enhanced awareness to every part of your body, whenever you choose. You can also bring it into the conversations you have with others.

Using fMRI technology we can actually watch how this moment-to-moment awareness of the inner and outer world alters the functioning of the brain. Our everyday consciousness shifts into a meta-awareness that allows us to experience a larger and more unified perception of the world.
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If we bring this moment-to-moment awareness into our conversations with others, we will experience the interaction with greater clarity, and we’ll be less likely to be knocked off balance by the other person’s emotional state. We’ll feel their pain and respond with compassion because we have been able to remain relaxed.

Being in the present moment has an interesting side effect: because you’re less likely to control the direction of the conversation, it can lead to unexpected dialogues. If sadness comes up for you or the other person, and you remain in the present moment, the conversation will focus on those feelings and the previous topic will fade away. It’s a very intimate experience, and thus very appropriate for conversations with family members and friends, but in business it’s essential to stay focused on the specific topic of discussion. Being in the present moment, however, will allow you to quickly recognize when a conversation begins to go astray.

Step 3: Cultivate Inner Silence

Most of us are only able to stay relaxed and in the present moment for brief periods of time. Soon it gets interrupted by our inner speech. Research shows that you can suppress those distracting feelings and thoughts, but you have to practice doing it over and over until you gain control.

The more you consciously think about
not
thinking—as a formal training exercise—the more you gain voluntary control over the brain’s spontaneous cascade of inner speech and cognition.
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As researchers at Emory University found, thought suppression can even protect the brain “and reduce the cognitive decline associated with normal aging.”
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We specially need to develop the skill to remain silent so that we can give our fullest attention to what other people say. Unconsciously they will know when we’re distracted by our inner speech, and the lack of interest they perceive will make them distance themselves from you. Thus in active communication silence is not the enemy. It’s your friend.

For many people, learning how to remain in a state of inner silence can be difficult because the temporal lobes of the brain are designed to constantly listen for something
.
And something is always making some degree of sound.

Here’s a technique that we and other teachers use to show people how to cultivate a deeper state of silence. You’ll need a bell that when rung will resonate for at least fifteen to thirty seconds. If you go to http://www.mindfulnessdc.org/bell/index.html, you can activate an online mindfulness bell that is perfect for this exercise. Push the button to “strike” the bell, then focus intensely on the sound. As the tone fades, you’ll notice that you have to give more attention to your listening. Then, when the sound disappears, continue to listen deeply to the silence, which, as you will discover, is filled with a variety of subtle sounds. You might even become aware of the sound of your breathing, and this is an excellent sound to focus on (it provides substantial benefits to your brain).

Ring the bell again, and listen even more closely than you did before. Continue several more times as you train yourself to recognize the special state of awareness it puts you in. This is the state of attentiveness that we would like you to use when listening to another person speak. The online mindfulness bell will also aid you in the practice of the Compassionate Communication training exercise described in the following chapter.

Step 4: Increase Positivity

Before you begin any conversation, take a mental inventory of your mood. Are you feeling happy or depressed, tired or alert, anxious or calm? Any negative thought or feeling you have interferes with the parts of your brain that are involved with language processing, listening, and speech.

Research shows that the three previous steps are usually sufficient to eliminate negative feelings and thoughts. But if they still remain, consider the following choices: repeat the exercises above, or consider postponing the meeting, especially if it’s related to work. When a colleague, employer, or employee senses your exhaustion or stress, they will know that your ability to have a meaningful, productive dialogue is compromised. So why take the risk?

Even if you feel calm and relaxed, ask yourself this question: do I feel optimistic about this meeting and the person I’m about to converse with? If the answer is no—if you harbor any significant degree of doubt, anxiety, frustration, or even an inkling of anger—then again, if possible, you should postpone your dialogue until a later date. If you can’t postpone the dialogue, at least spend a few moments focusing on a more positive idea, because any negative state can generate mutual defensiveness and distrust.

Here’s something to do when you have concerns about an upcoming meeting. Mentally rehearse what you think could happen. Have an imaginary conversation with the person you want to talk to, as if you were an actor reading from a script, and see where the dialogue goes. When you do this, it is easy to spot statements you might make that would undermine your intention and goal.

If you still feel upset or worried, then take the fantasy conversation to the next level and imagine how the other person might respond if you told them how you really felt at the moment. If it doesn’t make them smile or bring a tear to their eye—if it doesn’t make them feel like you respect them—then you’ll know ahead of time that the conversation will likely fail.

To make any conversation truly satisfying and successful, you need to generate heartfelt positivity,
for yourself and
the other person
.
As Barbara Fredrickson, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina, says, positivity is our birthright,

And it comes in many forms and flavors. Think of the times you feel connected to others and loved; when you feel playful, creative, or silly; when you feel blessed and at one with your surroundings; when your soul is stirred by the sheer beauty of existence; or when you feel energized and excited by a new idea or hobby. Positivity reigns whenever positive emotions—like love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, and inspiration—touch and open your heart.
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Fredrickson identified one of the most important factors for predicting success in both personal and business relationships. It’s called the three-to-one ratio, and it’s a comparison of the number of positive thoughts and negative thoughts you generate when you engage in a conversation with someone else. If you express fewer than three positive thoughts or behaviors for each negative one, the relationship or interaction is likely to fail. This finding correlates with Marcial Losada’s research with corporate teams
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and John Gottman’s research with married couples.
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Fredrickson, Losada, and Gottman realized that if you want your business and your personal relationships to flourish, you’ll need to increase your ratio by generating at least five positive messages for each negative utterance you make (for example, “I’m disappointed” or “That’s not what I had hoped for” count as expressions of negativity, as does a frown or gesture of contempt). Someone with a positivity ratio that falls below three-to-one is likely be diagnosed with depression.
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We suggest that in preparation for a serious dialogue you use your imagination to visualize and rehearse a conversation that is filled with positivity, kindness, and optimism. As researchers at Purdue University found, when you enter a conversation with optimism both you and the listener will likely be more satisfied with the interaction.
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And if you consciously visualize a future success, it will enhance your motivation to achieve it.
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The research is substantial: positive imagery can reduce a negative state of mind, whereas negative images will maintain or enhance a negative mood.
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In fact, positive mental imagery, when compared to other forms of verbal processing, has a greater impact on reducing anxiety.
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Negative imagery, however, will amplify it.
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This raises an interesting question: can you arbitrarily create an optimistic attitude by manipulating your own thoughts? Researchers at the University of Toledo say yes,
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and you can even undo negative memories from childhood by “rescripting” the event and imagining a different outcome or solution.
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So by all means, prime yourself with positive feelings and thoughts before you engage in conversation.

However, as Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, points out, “Merely repeating positive statements to yourself does not raise mood or achievement very much.” Instead, he says, you have to embed optimism in your brain “through the power of ‘non-negative’ thinking.”
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This means that you will need to consciously identify, then root out, the negative beliefs that have been unconsciously stored away in long-term memory.

You can begin this process by asking yourself what evidence there is
to support your negative belief or fear. Often you’ll find that your doubts are based on an exaggerated view of the situation. If you take a moment to pull yourself into the present moment, these old negative voices will lose their power.

Over time you can transform a helpless and pessimistic outlook into a realistic and lasting optimism. Positivity won’t eliminate periods of depression, anxiety, and self-doubt, but it will dramatically reduce the number of incidents.
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And this will improve every dimension of your relationships with others.

Step 5: Reflect on Your Deepest Values

In the previous chapter, we explored the transformational power of knowing your inner values. To set the right tone for a conversation, two other values that we’ve briefly mentioned need to be consciously addressed: your innermost relational value (for yourself in general and specifically concerning the person you’re about to engage), and your deepest communication value (likewise, both for yourself and for the conversation you’re about to have). Together these three values will create the best possible scenario when it comes to dealing with problems and achieving desired goals.

Few people hold anger and violence as values, but research confirms that sociopaths and people with antisocial and deviant behavior place the highest value on material gain and instant gratification.
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Sometimes money and pleasure are their only values. Obviously, such people make bad risks for relationships that demand trust, integrity, honesty, kindness, and fairness—values that are essential in business and love.