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Wednesday, November 23, 1864
C
harlie looked between the two women, who were laughing and obviously enjoying each other’s company very much. This morning, the good Colonel felt very out of place at the breakfast table and, being a career soldier, he knew when a tactical retreat was in order. He took the last drink of his coffee and placed his napkin on the table.
"Well, ladies if you will excuse me I have a meeting to get ready for." He stood, waiting to be excused.
Rebecca nodded with a smile and Elizabeth merely grinned. She found this whole thing extremely amusing. She could see she had her work cut out for her here and it was more than just taking care of the sick and wounded.
Once Charlie was gone, Elizabeth could not resist any longer, especially after watching Rebecca watch Charlie walk out of the room. The doctor could not help but chuckle. Rebecca looked at her quizzically.
"Oh, Charlie - he is such a gentleman. And he has absolutely no inkling of the impact he has on others."
"You are very right, Doctor. I can never seem to get him to accept credit for his good deeds and kind heart."
"My dear, I suspect he may be allowing you to see more than most. He is without doubt the most private person I have ever met."
"Not that you can blame him. He has to be very careful. If someone were out to hurt him that is all it would take."
"That is certainly true. I must confess, Charlie confuses even me at times, and I think I know more about people like him than most."
"Like him?" Rebecca hoped the good doctor would enlighten her. Maybe it would help clear up some of her own confusion to understand Charlie a bit better.
"You must know that there are all kinds of people in the world, Rebecca. Most follow the traditional path of man and woman. Others prefer the company of their own gender, and still others seem to have been born into the wrong bodies, and have the characteristics of one of the opposite gender. This has been true throughout all history, though not often spoken of."
"And how would you think of Charlie? I mean is not a matter of circumstance that has made Charlie what he is? Could not he, well, change? I mean if he were to leave the Army and start over again. Please help me to understand. There are so many things……" She dropped her eyes, sighing deeply and staring into her coffee cup.
"So many things? Perhaps, Rebecca, it would be easier if you just asked me. I think we both care very much for Charlie and he has so few people he can call friend."
Carefully she raised her eyes and looked at the doctor. She could see concern and new friendship looking back at her. "I think I care for Charlie very much." She said quietly.
"And the way you care for him confuses you?" Elizabeth's concern was obvious in the tone of her voice and the open honesty of her face.
"Yes, very much. I look at him and I see everything I need and want, yet I know I should not feel that way."
"When you look at Charlie, who do you see, Rebecca? Do you see the Colonel, the gentleman, or the woman underneath the image? It makes a huge difference, you know. And it probably makes a huge difference in why you think you should not feel the way you do."
"That is just it. I see both. One moment he is the gallant and charming Colonel and the very next minute he is very much a woman. I am so frustrated because I am simply attracted to him, and all of that does not matter to me, but yet there is a voice that keeps telling me that what might be, could never be."
Elizabeth looked at her new friend for a long moment. She felt sure that even if Charlie had not been forced to assume the identity of a man to survive, he still would have sought the love of a woman to complete him. She also suspected that, for Charlie, the years of hiding his real identity, coupled with whatever circumstances had driven him to totally destroy his identity as a woman, had left him believing he would have to be alone for the rest of his life. Rebecca's concerns would only feed Charlie's insecurity.
"Dear lady, I personally do not believe that caring for someone is ever wrong. But I also know that society does not agree with my point of view. You will have to make that decision for yourself, if you have any desire to keep Charlie in your life."
Rebecca laughed at the situation. "Doctor, I believe the community would be far more scandalized if I took a Yankee officer as a lov……uh……well……" She cleared her throat. "I do want Charlie in my life. I mean I understand it has only been a short time, but God help me there is just something about him that is undeniable. Elizabeth, do you believe in love at first sight?"
Elizabeth broke into outright gales of laughter at Rebecca's first sentence. "My dear lady, you are sleeping with the man. The whole camp knows that the Colonel sleeps at the main house, not in his tent. And they all assume that you two are lovers. It was one of the first things I heard about you. I thought it was a case of Charlie doing one of the silly things he does occasionally to try and bolster his masculine image." She looked at the now blushing Rebecca. "There is more here than just Charlie's image, is not there? And I assume that the rumors are not true - but some part of you wishes they were?"
"The rumors are not true. We do sleep together but it is very platonic, I assure you." Rebecca’s brows came together in contemplation. "Unless you consider the fact that I wake up in his arms every morning less than platonic. And I must admit I am having very unusual feelings and dreams since meeting Charlie."
Elizabeth sighed deeply and walked to the window, looking out over the gentle, rolling land. What she saw was not the beautiful land, but the memory of Charlie's face, torn with pain and emptiness on the one occasion when they had talked of relationships and the future - the time after the war. She had seen the look in Charlie's eyes as he looked at this young woman. The amount of pain that her friend might have to face was terrifying. She drew another deep breath. "Rebecca, Charlie is the most honorable person I have ever known. But he was hurt very badly a long time ago and I suspect has never healed from that hurt. Our mutual friend believes that he is fated to be alone in the world. I have never known anyone who more deserved to be loved and was more capable of giving love, but I fear for him. To be honest, I fear for him because of you."
"Me? I would never hurt Charlie." Rebecca felt tears well in her eyes and her heart at the mere thought. "I would never hurt him. I promise you, Elizabeth."
"Rebecca, if you offer your love to Charlie and then find that the opinions of society are more than you can handle, you will hurt him very badly indeed. I am just asking you to be very sure before you do anything. I think Charlie would prefer the company of women no matter what happened in his life. But the circumstances that forced him to give up his true identity have made that even harder for him. Please be gentle with him."
Rebecca nodded her understanding. "I know that. That is why I am so confused. I know I should care what other people think, but when it comes to Charlie, I just cannot. I do not care that his men think we are lovers and I do not care that the entire community of Culpeper is sure that the Colonel and I are carrying on an illicit affair. I enjoy his company and I simple drown in those eyes every time he looks at me. I have never felt anything like this before in my life."
"Rebecca, are you sure you are not just responding to having the company of someone who is charming and attentive and who has eased your loneliness after your husband's death?"
" I know my feeling for Charlie are real; born from caring for him. Does it matter why they have manifested themselves?"
"It may. Many times, I have seen people who have been beaten down by the effects of war and need to affirm the reality of life through passion. If that is the case, then you may find your feelings for Charlie will fade as life returns to something more normal."
"I do not believe that will be the case." She bit her bottom lips, fighting tears. "I love Charlie. I want to be with him. I want him with me."
Elizabeth wrapped her arm around the woman's shoulder. "Rebecca, why are you crying?"
"I am just so confused. I know I love Charlie. I think he cares for me. Why must this be so hard?"
"Sometimes loving someone is very hard, my dear. But loving oneself is often even harder. For both of your sakes, I am asking you to really look. Are you falling in love with Charlie or with the idea of Charlie?
The look she gave Elizabeth was truly confused. She shook her head hoping that would help, but it did not. "I do not understand. What?"
Elizabeth thought for a moment, trying to find the best way to express a rather complicated set of thoughts. She sighed, and then started in on explaining her concerns. "You were married to a gentleman, with position and rank in the society here. The war took that away. It took away your family and it basically took away your home. You have been surviving here, alone for how long?"
"I was married, but he was no gentleman. And my life, such as it was, was over long before the war. Yes, I have been alone a long time, and I am tired of being alone, but I want to share my life with Charlie."
"I hate to ask you this, but what do you really know about Charlie that makes you so sure you want to be with him? Is it possible that it is because he is charming, gentle, courtly - in fact all the things that are written about in the romance novels. In other words, the image of Charlie, that you know he has carefully created, is what attracts you."
Rebecca began to feel utterly defeated. "Perhaps." She said softly. "I could never win Charlie. He needs someone who..." She smiled her bravest smile. "But I will remain his friend and I will continue to see to his comforts as long as he is here."
Elizabeth felt the defeat in the slender shoulders under her arm. "My dear lady, I have not said a word about how Charlie may or may not feel. I am asking about how you feel. I assure you, you are exactly the kind of woman that Charlie finds compellingly attractive."
What is going on here?
She asked the woman about the genuineness of her feelings for her dear friend Charlie and all of a sudden, she turned into one of the most sadly defeated souls Elizabeth had ever seen.
"Elizabeth, you ask valid questions I can not answer. I love Charlie, why I am not sure but I do. I was a miserable failure as a wife and I am only deluding myself to think I could..." Rebecca wanted to escape and just go have a good cry. She slowly pulled away from the woman. "I promise you. I would never do anything to hurt Charlie."
"Rebecca." Elizabeth's voice was gentle, but commanding. "I do not know what was done to you to make you believe that you were a failure as a wife, but I do see how you care for Charlie - and for all of us here - during very difficult times. I also see his face when he looks at you; when you are in the room; even when someone mentions your name."
"Yes, but maybe it is loneliness, too. He tells me he has been alone for a long time, that he has no one. I am sure after the war, he will find someone..." Rebecca's heart nearly stopped beating at the thought of Charlie not being with her. But she knew Elizabeth was right and she knew that her own failure would only come back to haunt her. Charlie would need a strong woman with a very special outlook to have anything even close to the life he deserved.
"Rebecca, dear lady. I do not think you are a failure, either as a lady or as a wife. You treat Charlie very well indeed. And I am very sure that if he won your heart, you would be a perfect partner for him. I have to confess, I was much more concerned with you finding the, umm, novelty of who Charlie really is to be just that. A novelty. And that the attraction you feel for my friend might pale when the fact of never being able to have children, to have a family of your own became real for you. If your love for him were to fade, I think it would hurt you both very much. I look at him when he thinks no one sees him. I see his face when he looks at you. If you find yourself to be truly in love with Charlie - with the woman as well as the man - I think that you will make him a very happy person."
Elizabeth moved forward and hugged Rebecca again. "My dear, that is as much as anyone can ever ask for. To love and to be allowed to love for who you are, not who you appear to be. Charlie is, without question, the most honorable person I have ever known. He is a gentle and attentive friend, and when you are ready, I think he will be a spectacular lover and husband. I think this is much more a question of whether he can accept your love as being genuine and lasting than it is one of your fear of being inadequate."
"I would do everything in my power to prove that to him, everyday. I do not want you to worry for your friend, although I know you do. Charlie's love is the greatest thing I could have in my life. If given the opportunity I believe we could make a wonderful life for ourselves. But I want Charlie to be with me because he loves me. I could not stand being with another who did not love me."
"I see the love he bears you, dear lady. Longing is painted on his face and burns in his eyes when he looks at you. I suspect he is very afraid of not being enough for you; afraid that you will find a real man who fills your needs more than he can."
"I want no other." She admitted softly. "Charlie makes me feel like no other could. I know the differences between what I have felt before and what I feel now, I am sure I could never feel that way about a 'real' man. Part of my love for Charlie is, that being a woman, she has tenderness and understanding that no man could ever have."
"Then keep exploring how you feel. Go slowly. Be sure. There is nothing about Charlie that is abnormal, just unusual. And very lonely. I thank you for your trust in me, it means a great deal to me, both because I felt an instant affinity for you, my dear, and because I care deeply for Charlie."
"I know." She smiled, slightly embarrassed. "I will admit when I saw you and Charlie together for the first time I felt a great deal of jealousy. May I ask you a personal question, Doctor?"