Charlie reached up and tentatively cradled Rebecca's shoulders in his hands. On his face was a look that tore at Rebecca's heart. It was the look of a child, lost, wanting so much to please and to be loved, totally bewildered at what to do, and terrified of doing something wrong. "Whatever you need, Rebecca. Whatever you want." She could feel him trembling under her hands.
"Then," She looked down and then back up, a furious blush heating her cheeks. "When we go to bed...would you, would you hold me?"
"I have to confess something. I wake in the night sometimes with you in my arms." Shamed at his own weakness, he lowered his eyes from hers. "I know I should have moved away, but I could not. I could not let you go. Yes, I would very much like to be able to hold you and know that it is what you want." In a much smaller voice, he added. "And I crave the warmth of you."
She smiled, placing a hand gently under his chin to make him look up. "A time for confessions, my dear Charlie. Once I know you are asleep, I roll as close to you as I can get. I crave your warmth and strength, dear Charlie. I feel very safe in your arms."
A shy smile lit his face. "Then you shall have my arms around you for as long as you want them, dear lady."
"Charlie?"
He quirked an inquiring eyebrow at her.
"Let us go to bed."
"Do I have time to change clothes? I am a little overdressed." All of a sudden, Charlie, standing in his uniform, was nervous as a cat.
"Yes of course. I will go and brush my hair. Call me when you are ready." She leaned up on her toes and gave a gentle kiss to his lips then left the room for her sitting room.
Charlie moved quickly to strip himself of his uniform. As he released the binding around his breasts, the voice came back again. The transformation from male to female was once again complete.
Ah yes, she does love her strong, gentle Colonel Charlie. But that is not who holds her at night, is it? You are not the person she is falling in love with. She is falling in love with the image you created –– she is falling in love with a fraud. Certainly, you can give her what she thinks she needs for now. Companionship. Comfort. A warm body at night. She has missed these things and you are there and convenient and safe.
And what will she think when you ask for more? When you want her to touch you? When your womanhood is obvious to her hands and eyes? What then?
With a heavy sigh, Charlie washed up at the basin then pulled on her nightshirt. She spent a few moments on purely domestic issues. With a shovel full of hot coals from the fireplace dropped into the warming pan, she carefully heated the sheets to make their bed a warm and comforting space. She fluffed the pillows, and smoothed the sheets, then stepped to the door. "Rebecca?"
The door opened slowly. Rebecca looked to Charlie with a shy smile. Rebecca ran her hand over her hair, which she had been brushing non-stop for the last few minutes. She giggled nervously. "Charlie."
Charlie extended her hand to Rebecca and waited for her to enter.
Rebecca took Charlie’s hand, hoping Charlie would not notice how much her own was shaking. She tried but just could not wipe the silly smile from her face.
A soft, almost bittersweet smile lit Charlie’s features, and she lifted Rebecca’s hand to her lips, whispering a touch of lips over her knuckles. Charlie helped her into the high bed, then banked the fire to burn slow and warm all night, doused all the candles and lamps except for one, and climbed into bed.
Rebecca waited for Charlie to move to her. She did not want to upset Charlie by doing something she would not like. Rebecca felt like a new bride, only this time she was enjoying the feeling and the slight giddiness in her stomach.
Carefully, Charlie moved toward Rebecca, and then gently slipped one arm under her shoulders. "Is this all right with you?"
"It is perfectly all right." Rebecca sighed and cuddled as close as she could. "It is wonderful."
Charlie shifted and drew her tighter against her chest. She buried her face in Rebecca’s hair and savored the unique smell of it, with hints of lavender from her shampoo. A small sound, almost like a whimper, escaped Charlie’s lips.
"Charlie, are you all right?" Rebecca started to pull away. "Should I move? Have you changed your mind?"
"Shhhhh. I am fine." Charlie drew Rebecca gently back to her chest. "Please, do not leave. I... I need to... " Charlie’s voice almost broke. She tried again, in a much smaller voice. "I need to be close to you." Rebecca could feel the tension in her. A fine, subtle tremor quivered through the muscles of Charlie’s body. Charlie could not tell Rebecca that having her in her arms eased that burning hole in her chest, in her soul. That her internal demons warned her that this would not last, that Rebecca would someday walk away. That she was memorizing every moment, every sensation to take out in the future and examine like a cherished prize. That she knew that someday these memories of Rebecca in her arms would be the only thing she had, and that she would use them to both sustain and torture herself for the rest of her life.
Rebecca hummed, getting closer to her. "I love this, Charlie. Love being close to you. Feeling you hold me," she looked up slowly. "Will you do something else for me?"
"Anything." Charlie managed to make her response sound almost normal. It was not easy.
"Kiss me."
Charlie’s eyes fluttered shut. Her breathing stopped for a second. Then she slowly shifted, bringing her body around so that Rebecca rested in the curve of her arm as she held herself above the smaller woman. As she did, Rebecca shifted to slide her arm under Charlie and around her back. With her free hand, Charlie caressed Rebecca’s face then cradled Rebecca’s head in her hand. Charlie lowered her face to Rebecca’s, then very slowly, and very gently, their lips met. It was a dream of a kiss, a reverent salute, sweet and tender and undemanding.
"Hmm," Rebecca moaned, smiling a little. "That was...so nice."
Charlie stayed hovered above Rebecca’s body for a moment. Then she laid her face in the crook of Rebecca’s neck, and wrapped her arm around her waist, pulling her closer still. "Oh, yes."
Rebecca's heart was hammering in her chest and her body was feeling sensations she had never before experienced. "Oh yes." She echoed, her hands running over Charlie’s back.
Charlie felt as if she was suspended halfway between heaven and hell. Rebecca’s touch was like fire. Rebecca’s innocence was a bastion Charlie refused to assault. Nothing had ever felt like having Rebecca in her arms, warm, compliant. Her affection was so tender it brought tears to Charlie’s eyes. The heat from her body ignited Charlie’s core. The knowledge that this would all be taken from her someday beat at Charlie’s soul. She was helpless in Rebecca’s arms.
Happy and safe, Rebecca settled in and closed her eyes to enjoy the security of this moment. Her breathing settled in to the soft, regular rhythm of sleep.
--*--
I
lie here, holding this beautiful woman in my arms, my body hungering for more than just holding her. Oh God, dear God. What have I done?
It has been so long, and she feels so soft and sweet. She feels so right in my arms. I want to stay here. I want the damned war to go away. I want this to be real. But tomorrow I will rise, and eventually orders will come and I will have to ride away.
Will I take her heart with me?
I will leave my soul behind.
D
ear God. What have I done?
I want to stay. I want to winter here in this beautiful place, with this beautiful woman and pretend that this is not the winter camp of an army at war, but instead a fine horse farm, breeding the most beautiful beasts in the state. A happy home, a place where others may come and be safe.
Please God.
I am so tired. I just want to lie in this lovely soft bed, holding this lovely tender woman and rest. I want to rise in the morning and have it all be real. I want to have a life that is not mud and miles, sweat and stuffy tents, waiting and being afraid, bleeding, death and more mud. Always mud. Sometimes brown, sometimes red with the blood of men and horses, but always mud. What would it be like to have a home, to have the love of a woman like her? But it cannot be, can it?
That hated voice in Charlie’s head spoke into the darkness –– that voice of the proper southern woman, of Charlotte.
You gave up any hope of real love, of family, of a normal life that day when you left, did you not Charlie? That day when you killed me.
Charlie is not real, you fool. Charlie is your armor, the place you hide. You can never marry. You cannot raise a family. What woman would want you, Charlie –– really want you? You are no man. You act like one, you talk like one, you dress like one, but take away the title, the clothes and you are not one. When the reality sinks in, she will not want you.
Yes, you are safe. You are worlds better than the men out there who will use her and hurt her. You are better than that. You are safe. For the simple price of her body, you give her protection from rape or worse. And you are novel –– something she has never felt before –– her dirty little secret that she can take out on cold nights and remind herself that once she was naughty and bad and wicked and sinful. On those nights when the dullness and drudgery of her life are more than she can stand. That is what you are good for, Charlie Redmond.
Something stirred in Charlie’s soul. Some small light of hope had been kindled in the tenderness of this night, of Rebecca’s trusting love. For the first time, Charlie answered that taunting voice.
What if you are wrong? What if she really does love me? Have not I paid my prices? Is it so bad that two people can find some comfort, some love in this world? I do not care what it costs. I am going to try. And I will be here. I will love her. I will give her whatever she is ready to accept from me. For as long as she wants me.
When sleep finally came, Charlie had a small, hopeful smile on her face.
CHAPTER 11
Thursday, November 24, 1864
R
ebecca rolled over, reaching for Charlie, who was long gone from the bed. She smiled and stretched, allowing the memory of the previous night to wash over her. Her body still felt Charlie’s touch and she relished it, "Oh, Charlie."
Sighing, she rose from bed and called for Lizbet. She was slipping into her dressing gown when the young woman entered the room. "Yes, Ma’am."
"Have you seen Colonel Redmond this morning?"
"Yes, Ma’am. The Colonel rose early and went to camp. He said to tell you he would return for lunch."
"Thanks you. Could you please draw a bath for me."
"Yes, Ma’am. What would you like to wear today?"
Rebecca smiled, an indulgent look crossed her face. "Something bright and pleasing. I feel good today, Lizbet, and I want the world to know it."
The young woman smiled, crossing to the wardrobe. "I would guess that Colonel Redmond is feeling very good today as well, Miss Rebecca. He had a very bright smile on his face all through breakfast this morning. I have not seen him eat so much since we arrived. Sarah said if his appetite stays like this, he will need to have his uniform altered."
The blonde snorted at the thought. Knowing what she did about Charlie and his uniform, she could only imagine what kind of alterations he could make.
--*--
C
harlie looked around his tent and the furnishings that had been packed up. Jocko was placing the last of his things in a crate. "Well, it will be nice to have the spare tent," the batman mumbled as he moved the crate to the opening.
"If you would like Jocko, you can take it for yourself. Give yourself the treat of a little privacy."
"And what do you think the boys would do without me yelling at them?"
"Give me a medal for getting you out of their hair?"
Jocko looked to his friend. "So tell me, Colonel C, what has you acting like a man reborn overnight?"
Charlie smiled gently. "I found a healing to a part of me that has been wounded for so long I did not realize it still hurt."
"And I take it that this healing has happened in the company of one Miss Rebecca?"
"Well, she has been tending to my injuries and illnesses." .
Jocko gave his friend a sly grin, before turning away and adding. "I think she is tending to more than your physical body. Charlie, she soothes your soul. Do you have any idea how much you smile now?"
"Who me? I always smile when I am relaxed. You just rarely see me relaxed. Seriously, though, old friend. She is a very special lady, one I hope I will be allowed to see grow old."
"Is it that serious now? What are you thinking, Charlie?"
"Between us, old friend, I am thinking that when this conflict is over, I will take my twenty year retirement and come back here and properly woo and marry the lady. If she will have me."
"Marry the lady?" He turned around, the shock registering clearly on his face. "You are serious."
"I am."
"And what does the lady say about this?"
"I do not know. I have not asked her."
"Marriage? Good Lord, Charlie, has it slipped by your good senses that you have only known this lady for a month?"
"No, it has not. That is why I am taking things slowly, and why I will not take any radical action until the war is over."
"I hope for your sake, and the sake of the lady, you know what you are doing, Charlie. I want you to be happy; I do not want you to be hurt. And I do not want to see the lady hurt either."
"Nor do I, Jocko. I want her to be cared for and loved as she deserves to be." A wistful look came over Charlie's face. "And if someone came along who could do that better than I...."