-Worlds Apart- Ruination (2 page)

It’s mostly during the nights when I get crushingly isolated thinking about Mama. I lie questioning if I’d made her die. I wish she could sing to me as I hold the withered and fading bouquet of flowers that crumble under my touch. I just stare at them through the darkness until they turn into endless brown eyes staring back at me.

The thought of any respite from the pain gives me hope. Hope, it’s a four letter word that holds more weight than the longest word in any vocabulary. With hope all things are possible. I can hope for a better life, I can hope for my chance to leap to Central. With or without Mama, no matter the isolation or despair, I can always hope.

Chapter 2

Seasons have come and gone since then but fall will always be my favorite. It’s like nature purges itself of all the needless weight that pulls it down. The hot blanket of heat shatters and cool crisp air settles in its place, the lush green forest explodes into color just long enough for me to appreciate the change.

My blue boots crunch through the leaves that have just started to fall. I let myself trace back to childhood and kick a rock as I pick my way along the twisting road. Today was the last day of education. It still hasn’t hit me yet that it’s all over. I’ve spent half my life consumed by this one thing, then ‘poof’ it’s gone. Gone like the leaves that corkscrew in the breeze.

“No more education…” I let myself say it, if I speak the words maybe they’ll sink in. It’s no surprise I’m lost, it’s one of the most fundamental things we’re required to master in life. Education will lead to the leap, which in turn decides my entire life.

I’ve still got the three months of prep time before the leap, three months to absorb all the changes. I square my shoulders and keep walking headfirst. I line my foot up to kick the rock again but at the last moment I step to the side, leaving the rock whirling. I can’t linger on juvenile things anymore, no more education, no more leisure, this is life…

“Nessa!” I hear Gwen’s raspy voice well before I perceive her bounding steps.

I turn, stunned to see her on the abandoned road.

“G! What are you doing out here?” She wraps her arms around me.

“Umm…same question?” She cocks her head asking her question before we break apart.

“Good point.” I say. She links her arm in mine as we walk forward, her black hair bouncing as we go.

She clears her throat, “Wait, I know why you’re out here, you’ve just finished education.” I nod confirming it. “Say no more.” She smiles hugging our arms closer together. “I remember my last day of education. I felt so lost. I just plopped down in the first snow bank I could find and stared into space for hours.”

“Gwen, that sounds terrible.”

“Yea, wasn’t one of my best moments.”

“Probably not even your top ten.” I smile at her. “It’s good to know I’m not alone.”

“Well at least you don’t have to deal with this limbo crap. Every week since the leap finished I’ve shadowed a different job. Every week it’s a new face, place, new everything.”

“It’s that bad?” She nods pitifully, making me appreciate her suffering, “I guess I’m lucky. Being born in December does have its advantages. I don’t have to deal with limbo, plus I don’t have to wait long for the banquet.”

“And why else would being born in December be good for you…” Her eyes narrow into that mischievous look that drew me to her in the first place.

“What are you talking about?” I ask teasingly. She shoves me off course but I stumble back. “Oh you mean because
Garrett’s
a December baby too?”

“You think? Like you haven’t thanked your lucky stars nightly that he was born in December too.”

“It will be a nice advantage.” I shrug my shoulders.

“Have you two hooked up yet or what?”

“Gwen! We’re just friends. It’s not like that.” I flush as my heart skips thinking about hooking up with him. She drags me to a fallen log, tapping the cold bark next to her until I sit.

“You mean to tell me you don’t like him even a little?”

“I didn’t say that…” I roll my blue eyes. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him, in a superficial sort of a way.”

“Uh huh, details.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” She shakes her head until I continue, “I don’t think of him that way, we’re
too
good of friends.” She rolls her eyes.

“Well you two have been inseparable since infancy but there comes a day when childhood is over and something called hormones kick in.”

“Not infancy, but a long time, a very long time.” I temporarily trance out, thinking of him at five with flowers in hand. “We’ve been good for each other. We’ve helped each other through education and other stuff. Life stuff.”

She shoots a sidelong glance. “Helped you through education? The way I remember it there was one day your whole life that you didn’t know the answer to the educator’s questions and that was like your third day.” 

“Second day” I cut her off.

“Right, second day of education. Since then you’ve been one of the top in the class, and don’t get me started on skills, you dominate.”

“I can’t take all the credit, he’s helped me.” Gwen’s eyebrows drift north as she fires me that pressing look coercing me to continue, “And yes, I’ve helped him too.”

“Now that we’ve cleared that up, get back to the good stuff, ya know about liking him.”

“I really thought I’d sidetracked you.”

“Nope, feed me, I’m bored to death. Only child syndrome.”

What do I even say here? Finally I tell myself to stop overthinking, it’s a habit of mine that I’d like to break.

“I don’t know what to tell you. He’s handsome, funny, and actually pretty sweet but I still don’t think we’re right for each other.”

“Handsome is an understatement.” She grins ear to ear.

It’s true, he is gorgeous. He’s average height but after that there’s nothing average about him. His eyes are a warm acorn-brown that make me melt when I look into them. The sheer size of his physique is intimidating, he barely fits into our uniforms, his muscles press to the fabric. And then his tanned skin is perfectly flawless, the hue reminds me of autumn. I picture his strong hands smoothing down his hair, a nervous habit of his that only makes him look sexier than ever. The way his blonde and brown flecked hair looks after he works his hand through it always makes my stomach turn. The only thing that’s not perfect is his smile, the one that lifts the right side of his mouth, exposing dimples on that one side. I can’t picture him smiling any other way, in fact, I think his smile is imperfectly perfect. Gwen interrupts my trance.

“So you’re telling me you don’t want to get with him because you’re both brilliant and attractive people that happen to get along bizarrely well? Yeah sounds like a rotten match.”

“Horrendous,” I smile. “No, I have my reasons. For starters he’s from a different sub than me. Our families aren’t from the same lineage sectors. Plus we’re just
different
.” I answer robotically, like it’s something I’ve rehearsed a million times before. In reality it is, I’ve told myself those things for years now as a way to protect myself from falling for him.

“Put the lineage scores aside because you’re gonna test high enough to marry into his sub. What do you mean by ‘different’?” She asks but I hesitate, deciding if I’ll answer.

“Ugh Gwen.” Do I tell her?

I haven’t told anyone my secret before, I’ve never been strong enough to bear the consequences. Maybe it’s time to let it out, to see what ill comes of it. Or perhaps I should hold it in a little longer, protect it close to my heart where nobody can get to it. I don’t know why but I resolve to tell her. Probably because I want to talk about it, and it’ll never be with Garrett.

I swallow hard and continue, “I have visions. Like ‘I’m a freak’ visions.” I say it knowing she won’t understand but I can’t bring myself to describe it all right away. She shifts in her seat then leans back to me.

“Nessa you’re gonna have to elaborate.” I exhale, thinking of what to say next.

“When I was five I had a vision one night. It was bizarre, like multiple blurred images flashing all at once but the eventual picture was my mother’s death.” I swallow, “I saw the entire thing play out a week before she died.”

“Wow,” she shifts uncomfortably, “Just that once?” She asks.

Somewhere in my brain, in the part that stores memories, tragic memories that I try to press down hoping that with enough weight they’ll sink forever into oblivion. Somewhere in that part of my brain I’ve got memories from the visions I’ve seen. I shake my head no.

“There’s been more. I saw the attack on our sector too.” Gwen’s eyes engorge. “I didn’t know when it would happen, it was blurred but I saw the foreigners’ hovercraft and the bombs. I saw all those people murdered.” I blurt it out, trying to defend my innocence.

“Geez Nessa, did you tell anyone?” I snap my head around to hers.

“No, never! Nobody knows, just us.” I sit, burrowing the heel of my boot into the brown mud that’s molded around the base of the log. “The worst part is I didn’t do anything about it.” Her eyes meet mine, they’re kind telling me to go ahead. “I can almost forgive myself for the vision with my mom. How was I supposed to know what it meant? It was my first one. I thought it was a bad dream or something.”

My heel sinks further into the lax ground.

“But I can’t forgive myself for the attack. I saw the pavilion and the bombs. If I’d told someone, maybe a regulator or an educator, they could’ve done something. I had a full five days to tell someone and I didn’t.”

“It’s okay Nessa, it’s not your fault.” I let her words wash over me, attempting to cleanse my guilt.

“You’re right. I didn’t fly the craft over that pavilion and bomb innocent people, the foreigners did that. But I didn’t try to stop them either. I was selfish. I didn’t want anyone to know about my visions. I was too afraid they’d call me a freak or exile me.”

“You were just a kid Nessa, we were fourteen. You’re allowed to be young and naïve and selfish when you’re a kid. I woulda done the same thing.” She sits, her eyes gaping absently ahead, “I’m sorry Nessa. That had to be awful.”

“Yeah,” I lower my chin momentarily.

Awful doesn’t come close to capturing it. There is no word to describe seeing your loved ones taken from you, to have a warning and yet do nothing about it.

“It’s something I don’t think Garrett would understand, that’s why we’re different.”

“I think he’d make an exception for you” she smiles taking my hand. “Let’s head back, dinner’s soon.” I take her hand as we head toward the pavilion.

I believe in the leap, I believe in Central and my family. There is a lot in this world that I believe in. I wish I could believe Garrett would understand but I know he wouldn’t.

Chapter 3

I walk home from third line, my fingers tingle in the cold. I’d gotten there earlier than usual and somehow beat Papa and Emma. I ate alone thinking about a million things at once. Gwen stirred up questions in my head. My prattled brain beat itself trying to justify why I won’t give into Garrett’s attempts. It’s obvious he’s been trying to win me over for years now, but I won’t give-in. Why? I keep asking myself. He’s my best friend, someone I can count on. I’m pretty sure that’s what you should want in your partner but still I resist. He’s gorgeous by anyone’s standards and his personality calls to me. I guess it’s because there’s still so much unknown.

The leap-test is three months away and all the uncertainty that surrounds it grips me too tightly. Three months and I’ll take a test that’s so protected, that once we’ve taken it we’re never allowed to talk about it again. Nobody knows what exactly will be on the leap since it’s against the law to discuss it. We don’t break the law, if we were caught we’d get a mark. It takes three marks to ruin your chances. All I know is I’ve spent the last ten years in education, learning and practicing the skills Central says I’ll need to take it. Top in my class or not, there’s still the unknown. What if I fail something, even if it’s just one little thing, it could ruin my life.

At seventeen I’ll take this one test that’ll decide my fate. It will tell me who I’m eligible to marry, it’ll determine my profession, the sub I’ll live in, and for one boy and girl from my year it will take us away from our sector forever. Two of us get to cross the concrete walls that divide us from Central and start a new life over there, a better life.

I suppose there’s just too much pressure mounting lately to bother giving into Garrett’s attempts. Too many worries drive me away, worries that we won’t test into the same sub, won’t get to work together, or worse, only one of us will make the leap.

I stumble up our walkway into our modest home. Papa and Emma already left for third line. I must’ve just missed them. I unzip my blue jacket and lay it across the table. My hands work out the knots in my long chestnut brown hair. It’s unruly but it’s still one of my best features. I shed my clothes as I walk toward the sleeping quarters. It’s a simple room Emma and I share. One bed, one dresser, and a single closet. We don’t need much. Emma has a single spiraling shell she’s kept since childhood, it sits on the dresser. Margaret, the relief-worker that cared for Emma since she was a baby had given it to her. She told Emma that if she held it to her ear she’d hear the ocean.

I always liked listening to Margaret’s stories. She was in her late seventies when she came to care for Emma. She’d lived a full life, with more experiences than I’ll probably ever have. Margaret was born in the Outer sector. She used to tell us stories about the ocean that bordered her home. Emma and I would sit in awe as we’d strain to picture endless blue water. We’re landlocked here in the Inner, chances are I’ll never see an ocean. Margaret told us stories of her fishing with her father, pulling nets out of the water that swelled with glistening fish.

The shell was the only thing Margaret had from her former life. As is customary in the Outer sector, they take their leap when they turn fifteen. All those years ago Margaret had been top girl. She’d made the leap from the Outer into our Inner sector. She got herself a step closer to Central. Sometimes when she’d talk about the Outer I’d sense she was sad, I could almost feel the sadness inside her. Life over there was harder, it was different than ours here. I think the adjustment was a challenge for her even after living here for sixty years. I couldn’t help feeling sorry for Margaret, it had to be hard never seeing her parents or sisters again.