Worth It (45 page)

I drive up to Shannon’s place for jam night alone because Jed has to go into work because of a big power outage. I’m not sure what caused it, but it was big enough that he needs to help out. As the engineer, it’s rare for him to get called in because the linemen usually handle power outages, but he works in Sterling, which is a small town, so there are times when they need the extra hands, and tonight is one of those times. I try not to be too disappointed. He can’t help it, and he did say that he would try to join us afterward if he was done in time. Still, I miss him.

I sigh as I pull into the familiar house of my best friend. I turn off the car and get out of the car. I stride up the walkway and open the front door without knocking.

“Yo!” I call out as I close the door behind me.

“In here!” Shannon calls back from the living room.

I take off my coat and hang it in the closet before making my way to the living room where the night has already started. I’m happy to see the whole gang is here—minus Aaron’s girlfriend, who is working.

I plop on the couch next to Jared and sigh, happy to be off my feet. “Hey, guys.”

Not taking their eyes off the screen—Rock Band is very serious business after all—they all reply, “Hey,” and “Hi.”

Jared says his usual, “Hey, beautiful.”

And Shannon asks, “Where’s Jed?”

“He got called in for a power outage,” I say, scrunching up my face to show how much I dislike that he’s not here.

“Oh, boo. Is he coming later?” Shannon asks.

“If he finishes on time, he will.”

“Good. I hope he can make it,” Chad says.

“Me, too,” I say.

I get up and grab myself a beer. When their game ends, I join in. I don’t play video games, but this game is the exception. I love playing Rock Band. It’s old as hell, but I love this time I have with my friends because I can truly relax, have fun, and focus on nothing else but the click of the buttons and the conversation around me. I have no work, no school, no issues, no insecurities, no any other nonsense crowding out my brain and weighing heavy on my heart. Although most of that baggage seems lighter since meeting Jed, I still cherish this time with my friends.

After an hour or so, we stop for a few minutes, so we can have bathroom or smoke breaks. After I take my turn using the bathroom, I open the door, and Jared startles the crap out of me.

“I need to talk to you,” he says with a clenched jaw and tight eyes.

“Um, okay?” I say as a question because he’s acting really weird. I’ve never seen him like this.
Did I do something wrong?

He doesn’t say anything as he grabs my elbow, and he firmly but gently leads me out to the secluded enclosed porch. He shuts the door, and I turn around to face him.

“What’s wrong? Why are you acting so—”

He crushes his lips against mine, using his tongue to coax my mouth open, but I don’t open for him. I shove against his chest. He’s too tall and strong for my shove to have any physical effect, but he understands pretty quickly that I don’t want this. He lets me go, and I slap him.

“What the fuck was that, Jared?” I shriek.

He brings a hand up to the red mark on his face, and his eyes plead with me. For what, I have no idea, but they plead with me for something.

When he doesn’t say anything, I say, “Hello?” I snap my fingers in front of him. “What the fuck was that?”

His hand drops, and he lowers his head briefly before lifting it again to meet my eyes. “I’m sorry, Anna. I didn’t know what to do. I love you. God, I’ve loved you since middle school, and I don’t want to lose you to Jed. I’ve been terrified to tell you because my heart can’t handle the rejection, but I knew I had to do something, anything to try to get you to see me, to notice me before it’s too late. Please, Anna, leave Jed, and be with me. Please. I’m begging you. I love you. I need you. Please say you’ll be with me
. Please
.”

I stare at him with my eyes wide and my jaw on the floor.
Did that just happen? Did he really just say that?
“What?” I whisper, barely able to force the air past my lips.
Jesus, Jed was right.

Jared takes a step forward, and I instinctually take a step back and hold up my hands.

“Anna, please.”

His face is so tortured, and part of me wants to comfort him because he’s my friend, and I’ve known him for a very long time, longer than I’ve known Shannon. I can’t though. After what he just said, I know that comforting him would be the absolute wrong thing to do.

I just shake my head. “Why would you do this
now
, Jared? After we’ve known each other for so long, after I’m finally happy, why would you spring this on me
now
?”

His drawn face begins to look guilty, and he swallows hard. “I was scared, Anna. Fuck, you’re so damn beautiful, so damn sweet. You’re like the unattainable dream. I watched you date assholes while wishing and hoping and praying that you would look at
me
, see
me
, so I could be good to you and take care of you. Fuck.” He looks down and clutches his hands in his hair. “When I see you now with Jed, I get terrified that I’ll never get the chance. I just wanted…I
needed
to say something to you before you fall for him, and it’s too late. I thought maybe I could force you to see that I can be good for you, too, that I could take care of you.” He looks back up at me, his handsome face crumbles as he takes in my expression. “Am I too late?”

I just nod woodenly because this whole situation is such a shocker. I don’t want to see my friend hurt, but I know I can’t give him what he needs. I don’t hold my heart anymore. Jed owns it completely. “I’m sorry, Jared. I love you as a friend, but I’m
in
love with Jed.”

I glance up at the ceiling for moment to gather my strength, and then I look back at him. “I’ll be honest with you and tell you that I have no idea what would have happened if you had told me this before I met Jed. I never looked at you that way because you never showed interest.”

Images and memories start flashing through my head—the head kisses, shoulder rubs, when he calls me beautiful, tucking my hair behind my ear. When I put all the pieces together, I realize that he has dropped hints that he’s wanted me for a while. My eyes widen and my lips part when I put the pieces together. He smiles and takes a step forward, reaching out for me. I shake my head, and his face crumples as he drops his arm.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize before, Jared, but you should have said something. I love Jed. I’m happy with him. He makes me feel complete and safe. I don’t know if you telling me sooner would have changed anything, but I know that it doesn’t change anything now.”

“But you’ve only been seeing him for a few months,” he pleads. “We’ve known each other for years. You know that I am better for you. Give me a chance.”

I shake my head. “I can’t do that, Jared. I’m sorry. I really love him. I know Jed and I haven’t been together for that long, but he’s everything to me. I won’t give him up. I
can’t
give him up.”

After hearing my words, Jared hangs his head, and my eyes sting with tears. God, I hate that I have to hurt him like this. Before Jed, I would have jumped at the chance if I knew Jared wanted me, but I don’t tell him that because it’s too late now, and that would only hurt my friend more. I know now that Jared could never be what I need. Jed is strong. He pries what he needs out of me, but he knows when not to push too hard. That’s what I need, strong and demanding. Jared is soft and understanding, passive even. I know he’ll find a woman who needs that, but it’s just not me.

“I’m sorry, Jared.”

He looks up at me, and his eyes scan my face for a long agonizing moment before he sighs deeply and nods his head. “Okay.”

I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, and I smile tentatively. “Can we still be friends?”

His return smile is real but filled with sadness. He simply says, “Of course.”

He holds out his long arms for a hug, but I hesitate, not knowing if hugging him is the right thing to do. He’s been my friend for a long time, and we have shared countless hugs, but after what he just said…

“Anna, it’s okay. I get it. I wish I would have said something sooner, but I didn’t. That’s my fault, and I have to accept the consequences. I love you, but if you can’t love me back the same way, I understand. I’ll always be here for you even if it’s just as your friend, okay?”

I smile and nod. When he beckons me forward with his hands, I go to him and hug him, offering us both hope and relief that our friendship wasn’t shattered by his declaration. Down in my heart, I know that he can accept this even though it’s not what he truly wants. He’ll do it for me, and I love him for that.

He hugs me back tightly for a moment before he sighs deeply. He kisses me on the head, and then he releases his hold. “Let’s head back in, friend.”

I laugh and smile up at him before I turn, open the door, and head back inside, happy that I didn’t just lose one of my closest friends.

My stomach is eating holes in itself as I make my way to my apartment. Although I’m happy that Anna will be there soon after me, everything else has me gripping the steering wheel until I think it might break. Not only is it never fun to respond to a call late at night, but also for the first time, Anna went to Shannon’s house without me while Jared was there. I’m glad the call didn’t take
too
long, but what if Jared finally decided to say something to her tonight?

He’s attractive, I guess, and he’s been her good friend for a long time. The fact that I’m having doubts is what is eating at me because I’ve given this woman my entire heart. I’m just grasping how vulnerable that makes me, and I don’t like to be vulnerable. I’m the man, the protector, the rock, but now, I’m shaken. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am. I can’t lose her.

I take a deep breath as I turn into my apartment complex, resolving that I need to take my own advice. I need to talk to Anna about this shit. I don’t want to control her, but we need to find a middle ground that doesn’t have me feeling like an insecure wuss.

I get out of my work car and head over to my apartment. I open the door, turn on the lights, and take off my coat. The first thing I do is grab a beer, and then I head to my room to throw on some sweatpants and a T-shirt. I don’t doubt that Anna loves me, not at all. I know she does. There is no way she would have given me everything without loving me as much as I love her, but I’m afraid that she maybe loves Jared, too, and she just hasn’t realized it. I don’t want to share her heart. I want it all to myself, just like she owns every last piece of mine.

I hear Anna’s car pull up, and I watch her run like a mad woman to the door, making me chuckle. She hasn’t been as nervous as she used to be about her silly fear of zombies, but I’ll bet the time of night is freaking her out because it’s well after midnight.

Just as she reaches the door, I swing it open, encircle her in my arms, and lift her up to my height, so I can kiss those fantastic lips that I haven’t had the pleasure of tasting since last night. She wraps her sexy legs around my waist, and I turn and kick the door closed with my foot without breaking our connection.

“Hey, beautiful,” I murmur against her lips.

With her lips still pressed against mine, she smiles.

“Hey, you.”

I set her down, so she can put her things on the table, but then I bend down to plant one more quick peck on her lips before I let her go, so she can shed her coat.

“You want something to drink, baby?”

“Sure, I’ll have a beer.” She peeks over at me while taking off her coat.

I can’t help but let my eyes linger on her body. She’s wearing her usual getup for work since she doesn’t change before she heads to Shannon’s. She’s in jeans and a T-shirt, but they’re snug, hinting at her drool-worthy curves. After she gets all her things settled, she turns and catches me ogling her. Her lips tilt up into a smirk, and she raises an eyebrow in question.

“I’m not going to say sorry for staring, if that’s what you’re thinking. You’re fucking beautiful, and I love looking at you.” I shrug, and then I turn and head for the kitchen to grab a bottle of her favorite beer that I had bought after work but before I got called in. I pop the top, walk back to the living room, and take a seat next to her. I wrap my arm around her shoulder, bringing her close to me. I love the feeling of her melting into me. It’s paradise, and it calms me.