Worth The Battle (Heaven Hill Series) (15 page)

That feeling of dread was there again. Had he just been built up to be taken down a few notches? “Just be straight with me, Liam. Please? All this gives me a headache, and I don’t know how to read people when they start talking in circles about me and my mental stability. Just tell me what the fuck you want me to do. Do you want me to turn in my patch?”

“Not at all,” Liam reached over and put his arm around the other man. “What I am saying to you is you’ve got to get your shit under control.”

How many times had Layne heard that? How many well-meaning people had told him those same exact words, all with a laugh in their throat or a smile on their face? They all thought it was so easy, that it was a switch he could flip on and off. Like he was a light switch that could pick what kind of mood he wanted to be in. This shit pissed him off. “You don’t think I know that?”

“No I know that you know it.”

“Well thanks for not treating me like a fucking idiot,” Layne mumbled.

The mumbled words under his breath sounded to Liam too much like a teenage Drew back talking, and that shit did not fly with him. “What did you say to me?”

“Nothing.”

“No, you think you’re man enough to say it under your breath, you say it to my face. Don’t make me treat you like my teenage son, because I’m telling you right now, that’s what you’re acting like.”

“I said,” he bit out between clenched teeth, “thanks for not treating me like a fucking idiot.”

Liam threw his attitude right back at him. “I never said you were a fucking idiot, but you are a douchebag if you can’t see that there are a lot of people here that want to help you. You throw that attitude at them, and they’re likely to knock you flat on your ass.”

The patience that Layne had when he walked onto this porch was running thin. “Can you just tell me what you called me here to tell me? Getting my shit together means I need to be honest with you, and I’m about to blow my top. So can we get this over with?”

“Fine, you little shit. As your president, I’m ordering your ornery ass to see Doc Jones.”

Glaring at Liam didn’t scare him, but Layne gave it a good run for its money. He ground his back teeth together. “For how long?”

Throwing a glare back at him, Liam could feel his blue eyes go hard. “Until she tells me you’re good.”

Pushing the chair back in annoyance, Layne got up. “Is that it?”

“No, it’s not,” Liam softened his voice. “I’m doing this because I like you. Layne, you’re an integral part of this family, but I can’t have you going off on my infant daughter when you’re stuck in a flashback and don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. You can’t expect Jessica to keep coming back to you when she wakes up with your hands around her neck where you tried to squeeze the life out of her while you had a bad dream.”

Those words hit Layne hard in the chest. “I know.”

“You’re a damn good guy and one I’m proud to call my brother, but you’ve got to get it straight up here.” Liam put his finger to Layne’s forehead. “You’ve got to make peace with whatever it was you did or saw. Until you do that, you can’t be a complete man. So I’m laying this down to you right now. You go get this help that Doc Jones can give you, and I’ll gladly keep you on with us. You refuse, and you give that patch back.”

Giving the patch back meant more than just giving back his cut. It meant giving back his tattoos, losing the family he’d gathered, and saying goodbye to his friendship with Jagger. The patch on his back and the bike he had were everything to him at this moment in his life. He couldn’t give it up. He was scared to know what would happen to him if he did. “I’ll do it, then.”

Those were the words Liam had wanted to hear come out of the younger man’s mouth. “I’m so glad you decided to do this,” Liam told him, pulling him into a hug.

Layne’s body was tense at first, obviously not used to the human interaction, but the longer he stayed there, the more he relaxed. Finally he enveloped Liam in a corresponding hug. “When do I have to start?”

“She’s waiting for you right now. I don’t want you to put this off and think that you’ll be fine tomorrow. I think we both know you won’t be. Jessica’s gonna stay in the other room until you invite her back.”

That hurt, but was a relief at the same time. He wasn’t sure he could face her right now, not after what he had done to her the night before. “Then I’m gonna head over there, I guess.”

“Do you want me to take you?” Liam offered.

Layne shook his head. “I don’t want to bother you with this anymore than I already have.”

“I hope you know it’s not a bother, it’s me wanting my guys to be okay.”

They broke apart as Layne nodded. Taking a deep breath, he walked towards the front of the house to where his bike sat in the driveway. He would have to leave now or he was scared he wouldn’t go. As he breached the front door and walked down the front steps, he saw Jagger standing there against Bianca’s car.

“Thought you might need a ride,” he grinned at his friend.

Overcome with emotion, Layne nodded. “I would like that.”

As they got into the car, Liam watched from his front door, and Denise stood behind him, her arms around his waist. “Your boys are going to be fine,” she whispered as she placed a soft kiss on his neck.

“I hope so, I sure do hope so.”

Chapter Fifteen

“I
’ll come back and get you in about an hour. If you get done before that, give me a call,” Jagger told Layne as they pulled up to the front of Doc Jones’ farm house.

Layne nodded, feeling nervous as he looked at the house. It wasn’t what he had expected at all. “Will do,” he mumbled as he reached for the door handle to let himself out of the car.

Jagger reached over and put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Between the two of us, Doc Jones is amazing. I’ve seen her before—still do sometimes. If you let her, she’ll help you tremendously.”

“I appreciate that.”

“No, I’m serious, man, she will help you, but you have to be willing to let her help you. You’ve got to let go of everything when you talk to her. I’m not saying that it’s going to happen the first session, but you’ve got to let her do her job. Don’t go in there with a chip on your shoulder,” Jagger advised. “She’s released parts of me that I didn’t even know I kept hidden from other people. My life is a complete 180 from where it was when I started to see her. I want you to be happy, and I’d love it if you could have what Bianca and I do.”

Wasn’t that the dream? To find a woman and fall in love with her. How did Layne tell Jagger that’s what had gotten him into this situation to begin with. “I’ll do my best to go into this with my eyes wide open and to try to work the program. That’s all I can promise you right now.”

“That’s all I ask,” Jagger told him. “Just let me know when you’re done.”

Layne watched the Mustang drive away down the gravel road, kicking up dust as it did so. It was a hot summer day, but he was cold as he turned towards the farmhouse and forced his feet to begin climbing the steps. He hadn’t been this cold in a very long time. His teeth actually chattered as he knocked on the front door. Within moments, an older lady with salt-and-pepper gray hair opened the door and smiled at him.

“You’re Layne?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he answered, nodding as she opened the door for him and indicated he should go inside and make himself comfortable.

“If you’ll just have a seat over there,” she pointed to a couch that sat to the left, “we’ll get started.”

He nodded and had a seat where she indicated, rubbing his hands over his jean-clad thighs. His palms were as sweaty as he could ever remember them being. With keen eyes, he watched as she walked around the room, gathering the tools of her trade before having a seat and facing him.

“So tell me,” she started. “What’s brought you here today?”

How did he even answer that question? There were so many things that had brought him to this place in his life. Mostly people and circumstances. Jessica, Liam, Jagger, the military, going overseas, his childhood—they all played significant roles. He decided to go with the easiest. “In order to keep my patch, my pres tells me I’ve got to do these sessions.”

“Your patch means that much to you?” she asked, sitting forward in her chair.

“My patch means everything to me. It’s the only thing I have left,” he said, before he even thought about how profound those words were.

“Everything? What about family?”

He shook his head and shrugged. “My club is my family, which is there because I have that patch on my back.”

“What about your biological family?”

His eyes hardened as he gazed at her. “What about them?”

It was obvious he didn’t want to talk about them, judging by his tone and the way his eyes had brightened. Writing in her notebook, she tried another angle. “If you don’t want to talk about them, why don’t we talk about why Liam sent you here today?”

He had to give it to her, she was slick. She didn’t press, but she got to her point pretty damn quickly. “I had a flashback.”

She chuckled and sat forward, snagging his gaze with hers. “You might think you’re Billy Badass because you’ve walked in here with a chip the size of China on your shoulder, but let me tell you something, soldier, I’ve dealt with people ten times worse than you and won. Now why don’t you quit with the attitude and tell me what I can do to help you…or I can just give Liam a call and tell him that you aren’t open to this. Either way, we’re not wasting any more time here today.”

“You’re ballsy,” he grinned.

“And you’re cute when you grin, young man. What made you stop doing that?”

That was the million-dollar question, when had he started feeling like a complete piece of shit? When had it all stopped being fun? If he was honest with himself, it was before the incident in Iraq, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. “I’m not exactly sure, but I do know that when I came home from Iraq, I wasn’t the same man as when I left.”

“That’s going further back than I want to go right now,” she told him. “Why don’t we start with what happened to prompt this visit.”

This made him completely uncomfortable, but he really did need to be honest with her. “I had a flashback in my sleep, the best I can tell. I woke up with my hands around a woman’s neck, and she was screaming bloody murder. I knew I was doing it, but I couldn’t make myself stop. It took Liam and Tyler both to pull me off her, that’s how strong that flashback made me.”

“I’ve seen both Tyler and Liam before,” she said. “They’re big guys.”

“They are. The fact that it took both of them to pull me off her,” he blew out a deep breath, “that just blows my mind. I could have killed her and not even known it.”

He watched as Doc Jones wrote in her note pad. “Who’s this woman to you? I’m assuming you’re close if you were sleeping in the same bed.”

That was a loaded question. What was Jessica to him? “She’s everything I want but nothing I’ve ever deserved,” he whispered.

“Wow,” Doc Jones breathed. “That’s a loaded answer if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Me and Jessica. We’re complicated.” He shifted on the couch. “There’s always been blurred lines where we’re concerned. We’ve never been able to stay on either side—whether it be friends or lovers.”

“So you’ve been intimate with her before?”

His mind flashed back to one of the weekends they had spent together before he had deployed. A snippet of time ran through his head, almost like the film of a movie. They were lying in bed, a sheet covering their naked bodies. Her eyes gazing up at his with something in them that he hadn’t been able to place, his gazing at hers with something that he hadn’t wanted to admit to anyone—including himself. He was a government employee of the worst kind, sent to make the world a safer place by killing others. She was as innocent as they came. It was in that moment he knew that he had to let her down easy and make her see that they were two different people in two very different worlds.

“I’ve been more intimate with her than I’ve ever been with another human being,” he admitted.

“So it hurts you that you hurt her.”

“Absolutely,” he cleared his throat. “I’m not sure how she’s ever going to trust me again to be completely honest with you. I’m not sure how I’m ever going to be able to trust myself with her. That’s always going to be in the back of my mind where she’s concerned.”