Worthy of Love (23 page)

She placed the papers in his lap. “There’s one more thing,” she said, when he remained silent. “I went to speak to my advisor at the university,” she told him. “There’s no way I can complete my student teaching next year. My November due date won’t allow me to do it in the fall, and for the first six months I don’t intend to leave the baby, so the spring’s shot.”

Because her child’s welfare was of paramount importance, she’d come to terms with the fact that she’d have to rely on Kevin’s good will and financial support. No matter that she didn’t want to burden him with a marriage that wasn’t working, she forced herself to accept that he’d helped place her in this position, so she had no choice but to accept his help for his child.

He leaned closer. “I wasn’t aware you were considering going back to school. I think…”

She didn’t want to hear his opinion on her decisions. “Just hear me out. My advisor’s given me a reference. I’m going to do tutoring at some of the local elementary schools and then I plan to apply for a part-time job starting next January, when the baby’s a few months old. That way, I can keep the baby with me and still work…”

“Whoa.” He held up his hand. “What’s all this about? I thought you planned on taking it easy until the baby was born.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Really? When did I say that? I hadn’t planned on taking it easy at all, until the baby’s welfare was at stake. So I quit and we got married, all for the same reasons. But when did I ever say I’d take it easy? As a matter of fact, when did I ever discuss my future plans with you at all?”

“You didn’t.”

But she’d wanted to. Beyond making love, though, there hadn’t been all that many times when they’d relaxed enough for her to open up with
her
dreams.

“But you wanted to. You still do.”

She folded her arms over her own chest and met his gaze. “Yes, I did. I do.” Nikki held her breath. She’d thrown down the gauntlet. All that remained was for him to take—or reject it.

Silence greeted her. Nikki was done with this conversation. She’d opened herself up and gave him the perfect opportunity to ask her about her dreams, her thoughts and yet he said nothing.

She rose to her feet “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie in that bed and pretend to be your wife. I can’t make love to you knowing that during the day that connection between us crumbles because you let it. Sex just isn’t enough to base a lifetime on.” Her hands shook but she had no pockets in which to shove her fists, no means of hiding her trembling. Or pain.

He stood up beside her. “You’re leaving me?”

She shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that. I married you, for better or for worse. You gave our baby a name, you gave me the money to provide our child with a decent start in life. I owe you for that.”

“I don’t want your loyalty.”

“And I don’t want to be just an obligation to you, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?” Shaking off the pain, at least the pain that showed, Nikki forced her voice to remain steady. “I think it’s best if I move back to my old room.”

*     *     *

Kevin shouldn’t have let her move into her old room but he needed to think over what she said. Not long, just enough time to process the fact that she’d been planning a whole future without including him… and he’d driven her to it. Now he lay alone in his bed. He had slept by himself for over thirty years and this was the first time he’d truly felt alone. Nikki hadn’t just gone to sleep in a separate room; she’d taken steps to create a life separate from his. He wasn’t a fool. Necessity had been the only thing that had brought her into his life and into his home. Given a choice, she’d still be in school. Given a choice, she wouldn’t be saddled with his child.

So he wasn’t surprised she’d planned ahead. That streak of independence and ability to survive had served her well once before. It was just one of her many traits he admired, one of the many facets of Nikki that attracted him.

Yet the very traits he admired, were the ones destined to draw her away, if he allowed it. He wouldn’t. He’d give Nikki a bit of time to cool down, let her have some space. He’d give her some time just like she gave him. But soon, he was getting her back in his bed where she belonged.

*     *     *

“And you’ll keep in touch.”

Kevin watched as Nikki hugged Janine. In her voice and her gestures, he could feel her reluctance to let go. Janine was her last link to Tony and probably the one person who didn’t make her feel so alone.

“You know I will. And once we’ve had these kids, and as soon as you can travel, I expect that husband of yours to bring you all out west to visit.” Janine’s gaze met his.

“I think I can handle that,” he said wryly.

Nikki turned, tears in her eyes. “You know I’m going to hold you to that promise,” she told him.

He nodded. At least that was one promise he knew he could keep.

Janine glanced at Nikki. “Can I have a word alone with Kevin?” she asked. “It’s not that you…”

“You don’t have to explain,” Nikki said. “I’ll be in my room when you’re done. Don’t you dare leave without a last good-bye.”

When she’d walked out of the room and the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor trailed off, Janine glanced over. “Want to sit?”

“Might as well. I always do better sitting when I’m being lectured,” he said with a grin. He hadn’t realized how much he would miss Janine until this moment. “I’m going to be lost without you telling me what to do.”

She lowered herself into one of the kitchen chairs and he sat beside her. “That is such a line. But I’ll miss you, too.”

Resting his chin on his hands, he met her gaze. “You really don’t blame me, do you?”

She shook her head. “I never did. But I will blame you if you screw this marriage up. Don’t you know a good thing when you see it?” she asked. She grabbed for his hand and clasped it tight. “Life’s too short to waste a minute of it. I don’t care how old or tired that cliché is, look at me and Tony and you’ll know it’s true.”

He squeezed her hand back. “It shouldn’t have happened,” he said, thinking of Tony.

“No, but it did. Learn from it,” she urged him.

He planned to. “Take care of yourself and that baby you’re carrying. And if you need anything, and I mean anything, you pick up the phone. Okay?”

She nodded, then rose to her feet and grabbed him in a hug made awkward by the size of her stomach. Nikki would be that big one day soon and he wanted the right to hug her anytime he pleased. The thought came to him out of the blue, and remained.

“You’re one of the good guys, Kevin. It’s time you realized that.”

*     *     *

She was alone. Janine’s car pulled out of the driveway. Nikki hugged her arms to her chest and blinked back tears. Then with a resolve she’d dredged up too many times this past year, she shook off the melancholy that threatened. She wasn’t alone; she had herself and her baby. Two very good reasons to push forward and go on. Janine, herself, was an inspiration there.

As Nikki sat on the front stoop, counting her blessings, she decided it was time to do more than think in the abstract—it was time to plan for this baby. Pushing herself to her feet, she headed inside. The sound of the television blared from the living room. She avoided Kevin and circled behind him to enter the kitchen.

Phone book on the table, pad and pen in hand, she made a list of all the things she’d need when the baby was born and rough estimates of what it would cost.

“What are you doing?”

At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she jumped in her seat. She resisted the urge to hide her lists. “Baby planning.”

“Mind if I take a look?”

She shook her head. He pulled up a chair beside her and straddled the back. She watched as his gaze flickered over the list. With his dark head bent forward, she could look all she wanted without being caught staring. The longing in her heart was frightening in its intensity.

He raised his gaze. “Not that I’ve been baby shopping lately, but some of these prices look a little low to me.”

“They’re rough estimates,” she murmured. Of used furniture. Not that she had any intention of sharing the details with him.

“What do you say we go check out the real thing?”

She blinked, startled by his suggestion and frightened by the hope one tiny suggestion generated. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

He shrugged. “I do.” He turned the yellow pages around to face him.

Minutes later, he’d added a list of stores and addresses to her list of items. None of the names on his list matched the ones she’d mentally compiled in her head. Top-of-the-line stores, they’d contain all the things she’d love for her child to have.

But she wouldn’t have a prayer of paying Kevin back for years to come. “You know, I’m exhausted.”

His dark gaze met hers. As usual, she was drawn into the compelling depths. “It’s no wonder you’re beat. Saying good-bye to Janine wasn’t easy.”

“For you either.”

He covered her hand with his larger, stronger one. “You’re not alone, Nikki.”

She wanted to believe him. And that was the scariest thought of all. “I think I’ll lay down,” she said, desperate to escape from his magnetic pull and her own unrequited desires.

“Good idea. Rest up today and after work tomorrow, we’ll start with the first store on the list.”

His tone of voice didn’t leave room for argument, but that wasn’t the main reason she didn’t fight his intentions. As a general rule, she had a difficult time reading his cloudy gaze, but his eyes were clear, his expression lighter than usual. He was looking forward to shopping for their baby.

Nikki couldn’t deny him the pleasure. Worse, she didn’t want to.
You’re a fool, Nicole
.

Because she loved him.

FIFTEEN

W
eeding wasn’t a pretty chore, but it was a productive task and the improvement was always evident. Nikki needed to see improvement in
something
, even if it wasn’t in any particular area of her life. If she kept at it long enough, maybe it would be too late for her to shower and change and still have time to hit the baby stores with Kevin later tonight.

She didn’t know if she could handle it. A mother and father shopping for their unborn baby was supposed to be a joyful occasion, one that was fun and full of hope and promise. But all she would feel this evening was the pain of what would never be.

“Hey you, keep that up and you’ll be pulling the azaleas along with the weeds.”

At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she glanced up but was blinded by the late afternoon sun. “I was just gardening.”

He knelt down beside her. “Looks like you were hacking up the flowers to me.”

She shrugged. “It keeps me busy.”

He settled himself beside her, looking comfortable in the soft green grass. “And that’s important to you? Keeping busy?”

She nodded. “It stops me from dwelling on things I can’t change.” And sometimes it gave her time to dwell on those same things and attempt to come to terms with herself and her life.

“Do you miss school?”

“I don’t miss being in school. I wish I had finished before… Well, let’s just say I wish I was more self-sufficient.”

He leaned forward. “I’m sorry relying on me’s so hard.”

She sighed. “It isn’t you. It’s the taking I hate. It’s not like this is a real marriage and we planned for this baby and decided I’d be a stay-at-home mom.”

“What if it were a real marriage? What if everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be? Would you get your degree and go back to work or would you stay at home with your kids?”

She narrowed her gaze. This was the most serious conversation they’d had since… well, ever. And he’d initiated it. She was curious to see where it led.

She leaned back in the grass, resting on her palms. “I’m not sure if I should answer. You’ll think I’m awfully old-fashioned.”

“I already
know
you’re hopelessly old-fashioned.” He laughed, a rich, vibrant sound she’d never heard before.

Hope, something she’d have sworn she no longer believed in, came springing back to life. Nikki quickly tamped it down. Just because Kevin was making small talk didn’t mean she should start weaving fantasies of forever-afters.

“Well?” he prodded.

“I’d get my degree—to have it—for me. It’s only one semester, after all. But then I’d stay home. I want my kids to have security and a mom that’s around. And I know I’d be just as fulfilled being home with my kids as I would teaching someone else’s. More so, really.”

He grinned. “That’s what I thought. And that was the easy question,” he said, sobering. “I have a tougher one.”

She shrugged. “Go for it.” She might as well humor him because he seemed comfortable and relaxed and she didn’t think he’d be leaving any time soon. Plus the longer he talked, the less time they’d have for shopping later.

“What do you want?”

Her fingers curled into the grass. “What?”

“What do you want? From life, from marriage… from me.”

He’d gone too far. She couldn’t humor him. Not anymore. Not at her own expense. Shopping for the baby was preferable to this. “Obviously you’re in a good mood, Kevin, but excuse me if I don’t want to play along.” She started to rise, but her growing stomach made a quick exit impossible and her sudden move resulted in a pulling pain in her right side. With a groan, she pulled her knees up to ease the sudden cramp.