Wrapped In Shadows (6 page)

“I just need to catch up on a few things, then we can head out,” I threw over my shoulder as I headed to my office. My feet stopped abruptly when my eyes took in the scene in front of me. There were several large vases filled with multi-colored roses on the floor outside my office, and as I looked around the room I now noticed a few more bouquets adorning some of the desks.

“They’ve been coming every day,” Vicki said from behind. “We couldn’t fit them all in your office.”

I turned around, brows raised, my throat suddenly dry.

“We figured you were
very
good, or Josh was
very
bad,” Marion drawled.

I let the speculation float in the air and was glad my employees didn’t press me. With a tentative smile, I walked into my office. My nose immediately wrinkled at the heavy perfume of roses, the pungent scent a thick cloud in the room. Almost every flat surface was covered with a bouquet. I was still refusing to take Josh’s calls or answer his texts. Talking to my parents had made this bad situation even worse. The pressure to not cancel the wedding was becoming a living, breathing thing that threatened to smother me.

My mother called yesterday to talk of more planned events—the rehearsal dinner, wedding breakfast, and of all the people who were looking forward to attending. Important people who had been making plans for months and rearranging their busy schedules. Despite my protests, Diana had droned on and on. Eventually I had hung up the phone and burst into tears, feeling suffocated and emotionally taxed. I wasn’t ready to talk to Josh. I needed to let my staff know if he called the main line to not to put him through. Expelling a weary breath, I turned and stepped from my office.

And crashed into a tall solid body.

“
Josh!
”

“I see you got my flowers.”

I stared. Just stared, tongue tied in knots from shock. My heart stuttered then started again. It was only the absolute quiet in the room and the realization that my employees were all staring inquisitively that wound me into motion. I ushered Josh into my office and closed the door firmly behind me. I’d been dreading this, but had no choice now but to face him. He stood absolutely still and when I looked at his face, my heart squeezed tight. Josh was a mess. His usually tidy hair was scattered about his head and his eyes were red and puffy. The thick shadow obscuring his jaw proved he hadn’t shaved in days. I’d never seen him look so disheveled.

“Kay, please talk to me,” he whispered hoarsely.

I swallowed, shaking my head. “Josh, there really isn’t much to say, except I can’t marry you.”

Josh’s face screwed up as if he were in pain. “Please don’t say that, Kay. I love you.”

I felt anger stiffen my spine. “How can you love me and be fucking Carol?”

“Nothing happened! I didn’t sleep with her. You’re mistaken.”

I folded my arms across my chest. “I know what I saw.”

“What did you see, Kay? Think about it. You saw us sitting on the sofa. We weren’t even touching! We were talking!”

“She was wearing your shirt!” I felt a spit of renewed anger.

“Yes. She was. She spilled wine on her dress like I told you. It was soaked. I was washing it for her. I was just trying to be Mr. Nice Guy and help her out. She just showed up at my apartment. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year. There’s nothing between us, Kay. You have to believe me. Don’t throw our relationship away over a misunderstanding.”

I listened to Josh’s pleading voice, my mind busy replaying the events at his apartment. I was supposed to be at a foundation event that night, but it had been canceled. I’d decided to surprise Josh and had gone to his apartment. He and Carol had been on the couch. Talking. Laughing. Sharing a glass of red wine. I hadn’t actually seen them
doing
anything, but I’d been angry…and hurt…and I’d assumed… Had I jumped to conclusions? Was I throwing away our relationship because of a misunderstanding?
Oh, I was so confused!
I didn’t want to think about this now.

Sensing my ambivalence, Josh took a step toward me, tears pooling in his blue eyes. “I love you. I’m miserable without you. The only thing I’m guilty of is letting Carol in and talking to her. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. Please, baby… Don’t give up on us.”

My breath shimmied from my lungs. I didn’t know what to think. I was bombarded with emotions and thoughts, all conflicting inside me and pushing every which way. Josh wrapped his arms around me and I broke away, realizing I too was crying.

“Don’t…”

“Please, Kay. We’ve been through so much together.
I’ve
been through so much. I can’t lose you, too.”

I sniffled, taking a few steps away from him. I needed to maintain an emotionally safe distance. Josh was very good at swaying me. He’d lost his mother last year from breast cancer. They had been very close and the loss had devastated him. He and his father had a volatile relationship, so I’d been his primary support. I stared at Josh, trying to read him. His broad shoulders were slumped, shaving an inch off his six-foot frame. His dark blue eyes seemed even darker, rimmed red with misery. I tried to upright my thoughts, to fortify them with logic and reason, but I saw this man before me hurting and my resolve started to topple like dominoes. I’d loved him for three years—still loved him. The heart did not simply stop working because it was broken. Josh took another step toward me and the terror I felt in his apartment came rushing back. I instinctively retreated.

“You were out of control, Josh.”

His brows furrowed, confused.

“When you grabbed me. I was afraid,” I clarified slowly.

He was standing right in front of me now. His hands combed through his hair, mussing it further. “
Shit!
You know I’d never hurt you.”

“Your temper scares me sometimes. You go from zero to sixty and you don’t even realize it. Then it’s like it never happened. ”

“I was angry. I’m sorry.” He hesitated a beat then sighed. “I’ll resume my sessions.”

Josh had been seeing a therapist for anger and grief management. After his mom’s death, his sudden bouts of rage had become so extreme that I had insisted he get help. I’d seen a vast improvement, but after a few months, he’d quit, worried that his friends or colleagues would find out he was seeing a therapist.

“You need help, Josh.”

“I realize that, Kay. I just can’t handle the thought of losing you.”

I took another step back. “I need time.”

“I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll start therapy again. Wadda you say, babe?” he whispered, his voice cracking. His eyes filled and tears started rolling down his cheeks.

The sight of him so disassembled was like a physical ache and I wanted to reach out and hold him. Still conflicted with emotion, I wrapped my arms around my torso, feeling a bumpy chill blanket my skin. I still loved Josh and wanted desperately to believe him, but my gut was telling me I hadn’t misinterpreted what happened.

“I need time, Josh. I have to think things through.”

I could almost feel relief wash through him. “Okay. We’ll take things slow. I promise not to pressure you. We’ll start over.”

I noted bitterly that we’d started over a few times already.

“You’re still coming with me on Friday, right?”

My head shot up. It was my turn to be confused.

“Mr. Kotobuki’s dinner party—my client from Japan. You know I’ve been wining and dining him for weeks now. You promised you’d come to his party with me. I’ve told him all about you. He’s very family oriented. You have to come.”

“It’s not a good idea, Josh.” I shook my head.

“Your presence could make the difference with me getting this account. He’ll think I’ve been lying if you don’t show. You know I need this account. I have to prove myself.”

“But—”

“No ‘buts,’ Kay. Steven or Bruce will be happy to steal this account from me.”

I sighed. I’d heard Josh’s rants before about his boss being a tyrannical slave driver and how some of his co-workers were back-stabbing client-stealers. I remembered being introduced to the men when I’d met Michelle for lunch. They hadn’t seemed like the terrible ogres Josh described, and Michelle had never said anything disparaging about any of them.

“I told Mr. Kotobuki all about us.”

I faced him squarely. “Right now there is no ‘
us.
’ I need time. You promised.”

His chest rose and fell heavily and he took my hands gently in his. “Okay. I will give you time. No pressure. But please come on Friday. It could mean my job, and you can charm anyone. I need you there.”

“Let me think about it. I’ll give you an answer tomorrow.”

Josh cradled my hand to his heart. “I love you, Kay.”

I pressed my eyes shut and turned away, unable to face the pain and raw emotion in his blue eyes. He dropped my hand and I heard him walk through the door. I let out the breath I’d been holding, trying to blow away the overwhelming pressure that was nearly suffocating. I wiped tears from my eyes, trying to stifle the pain. The walls seemed to be closing in around me, blocking everything out. A figure appeared at the door and I looked up to see Vicki. The woman approached, her expression cautious.

“Anything I can do?”

“Yes.” I swiped at another tear and conjured a smiled, determined to focus on more pressing matters. “Let’s get those hats to the shelter.”

The real-estate broker had only fifteen minutes to show the apartment and I was instructed to be at the building by three o’clock. I met Michelle in the lobby a few minutes early and we looked around the neat, sparsely furnished space.

“Is this a walk-up?”

“Yup.” I nodded, strolling into the small mail room of the pre-war building. We’d been lucky to be let into the building just as someone was leaving.

Michelle pouted. “Kay, the apartment is on the fifth floor. It seems like a nice building. Clean, sturdy lock on the door, but it’s
very
different from the penthouse.”

I shrugged. “I want different.”

She planted a hand on her hip. “Aren’t you a little too old to rebel?”

“I’m not rebelling.” I squelched the urge to stomp my foot and pout. “I want my
own
place.”

“And it has to be the exact opposite of what your parents would pick.”

“This has nothing to do with them!”

“Right. Like your decision to go to the party on Friday has nothing to do with all the pressure you’ve been under.”

I sighed. I’d decided to go with Josh to Mr. Kotobuki’s party. The last thing I wanted to do was jeopardize his chance of getting the account. I knew he was having a hard time at work, and if I could help him get this account and gain favor with his boss, I’d do it.

“I’m doing it as a favor to him. It doesn’t mean I’m going through with the wedding. I still need time to sort that out.”

I watched Michelle’s face, waiting for signs of censure, waiting for my friend to tell me I was a fool for even considering going back to Josh. I braced myself. I was already getting pushed from all directions and didn’t need the added burden of Michelle’s criticisms. I would make my own decision in due time. There were many variables to consider, and this wasn’t just about me. Michelle nodded, but said nothing. For that I was grateful.

“Did Eddie give you more information about Ms. Carmen?” I changed the subject.

Michelle shook her head. “No. He really didn’t know much more than what was in the paper. The police didn’t release any more details. It turns out that all that commotion in the hall was when the body was discovered.”

“I still can’t believe that happened.”

Michelle’s long silence seized my interest. I frowned. “What are you not telling me?”

She hesitated a beat then regarded me sympathetically. “The police are questioning everyone who was there that night.”

My stomach plummeted. “Oh God! I want to help any way I can, but it’ll get out I was there.”

Michelle shook her head. “No. I don’t think so. Eddie registered you under a different name, remember?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t guarantee my anonymity.”

I studied my feet, wanting to scream. My one stupid act of spontaneity! I’d needed to be with someone—to just feel a connection with another human being. I’d been feeling so
lost
… My fight with Josh had exploded that feeling and it had mushroomed inside me. Now I wondered what the consequences would be for my irrational behavior. There could be serious ramifications if word got out I’d been at a sex club. A scandal like that could seriously hurt the credibility and reputation of the Vandercamp Foundation. I depended on my pristine reputation to get donations and to network with people who had the power to make things happen. Other consequences came into focus.

“
Oh, God!
Josh…he may find out
,
” I gasped.

“It was over, Kay. Don’t tell me you feel guilty? You two are broken up.”

I leaned against the wall, my gaze skipping around the small room, anywhere but on Michelle.

“He will freak! What if I was wrong? What if he wasn’t cheating…and I…I…” I let my words trail off, afraid to finish the thoughts that had been plaguing me since Josh’s visit to my office. Dread coagulated in my chest, mixing with my mounting guilt. The fact that the pleasurable dreams were still occurring wasn’t helping the remorse gnawing at me.

“Look, you don’t owe him anything.”

“We’ve been together for
three
years. I can’t easily discount that.” I raised a palm to my forehead, suddenly feeling ill. “And what if my parents find out? God knows what they’ll do!”

Michelle twisted her lips wryly. “Swoon onto their fainting couches?”

“I’m serious! There could be terrible consequences.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping my friend didn’t say, ‘I told you so.’

“I’m sorry. You know how much your parents irk me. Try not to worry about it. Kay, you have your own money. You don’t need them.”

I sighed heavily. “But I don’t want to lose the Foundation. You know it’s my life. If I’m scandalized, I’ll lose everything. I could never raise that kind of money on my own. The foundation has a reputation.”