Wry Martinis (11 page)

—
The New Yorker
, 1996

D
EAR
M
R
. K
ACZYNSKI
,

I won’t pussyfoot around: I’m the best there is, and you, my friend, are knee-deep in kimchi. Here’s how we handle it: The FBI had dozens of agents staked out around your cabin for weeks. We put each and every one of them on the stand and ask him if in the last twenty years he ever used the word “weirdo.” Let them deny it! We’ll put their fifth-grade teachers on the stand, then nail them for perjury and move to dismiss.

I would have come up there personally, except that urgent business on behalf of a very fine client is detaining me here. But my jet is fueled and ready.

Sincerely,
F. Lee Bailey
Tallahassee, Fla.

P.S. It turns out my jet won’t be available after all. Do they have commercial flights into Helena?

D
EAR
M
R
. K
ACZYNSKI
,

Greetings! Perhaps I can be of some assistance. Most important, we need to get this case moved out of Buffalo Dung, Montana, to Berkeley where we’ll get a jury of peers who won’t sit up all night drinking beers. Those people up there look as if they’d all been swimming in the same gene pool too long and someone forgot to add chlorine. Also, my Rolls-Royce would not take kindly to driving over cattle guards. As for those so-called bombs in your cabin, we’ll tell the jury “if they did not detonate, you must exonerate.”

Sincerely,
Johnnie Cochran
Los Angeles, Calif.

D
EAR
M
R
. K
ACZYNSKI
,

I practice law here in Wyoming and I have experience with men such as yourself, who want only to live in harmony among the elk and bear and antelope, but who wake up one morning to find that Big Brother has descended from the Big Sky.

My client Randy Weaver went through a similar infringement of his rights in Ruby Ridge, Idaho. Before I took over his case, he was looking at spending the rest of his life in a federal dungeon, cursing the darkness.

I wrote that. I also do some painting.

I’m not saying it will be easy. Westerners don’t make easy promises. What they do is spit on their hands and go to work. The FBI has found material in your cabin that might lead a jury to suspect you weren’t just tinkering with new recipes for jackrabbit: specifically, bombs, trigger devices, saltpeter, sulfur, and ammonium nitrate, and also what appears to be the original draft of that manifesto they printed in the newspapers and this here piece of paper they found with the words “hit list” written above “airline industry,” “computer industry,” and “geneticists.”

As we say in these parts, “If you got a rope around your neck, it’s no time to goose the horse.” We’ll want to be very deliberate about this and pick our own hunting ground.

Sincerely,
Gerry Spence
Jackson, Wyo.

D
EAR
M
R
. K
ACZYNSKI
,

I’m in the middle of the tour for my book on the O. J. Simpson case,
Reasonable Doubts
—it’s really excellent. Have you read it? It’s getting great reviews. I don’t want to sound defeatist, but in my opinion you’re going to need the best appeals lawyer in the country. And, since I’m already halfway through the manuscript for the book about your appeal, you might as well hire me, right?

Let me set you at ease. First, I would take you on without charge. The deal for the book and movie about your case, which I’ve already signed, will cover my costs.

Second, I am not the kind of lawyer who asks his client improper questions, like “Did you try to decapitate your wife?” or “Did you pump your wife so full of insulin in the eighties that she’s still asleep in the nineties?” That’s not my role. My role is to uphold the Bill of Rights by establishing that a bailiff picked his nose during the voir dire and tainted the entire proceeding. Call me.

Sincerely,
Alan Dershowitz
Cambridge, Mass.

P.S. If you have any casting ideas for who should play you—Eastwood? Van Damme?—let me know right away. They want to move on this quickly.

—
The New Yorker
, 1996

1. One Table, Very Near the Prince’s. Includes a Confusing Array of Forks and Knives, and Eight Inches of Elbow Room (on Each Side).

2. Ten Private Cocktail Reception Tickets. Includes Photo Opportunity with H.R.H. Prince Begin; Cameras Graciously Provided by Disposable Cameras, Inc.

3. A Warm Embrace of Your Person by H.R.H. Prince Begin, Including a Hearty Pretense That He Has Met You Before.

4. Cocktails of Your Choice Made with Liquors with Recognizable Brand Names. Glasses Graciously Provided by Baccarat.

5. Dinner: Beluga Caviar with Blinis; Fugu (Potentially Poisonous Japanese Blowfish, Prepared by Chefs Skilled at Removing the Toxins); Chocolate Leveraged Buyout. Catering Courtesy of Phabulous Phoods, Served by Trained Actors, Superbly Resentful at Finding Themselves in This Line of Work.

6. Your Name Included in All Press Releases and Media Promotions.

7. Keepsake Bag. Contents: New Cologne “Joxx” (Perfect for Chauffeur’s Christmas Present); Gold-Plated Cuticle Remover. Both Wrapped in an Abundance of Crinkly Colored Tissue (Perfect for Maid’s Christmas Present).

————

$25,000—
Patron

1. Twelve-Foot-High Dried-Flower Arrangement on Table, Courtesy of Fleurs du Mel.

2. Brief Acknowledgment of Your Existence by H.R.H. Prince Begin During Cocktail Hour. Champagne Graciously Provided by Château X-ellente, Napa; Glasses Courtesy of Pierre One.

3. The Imperial Portion of Sevruga Caviar (Two Full Grams); Crackers Courtesy of Ritz.

————

$10,000—
Host

1. Photo Opportunity with H.R.H. (Extreme-Wide-Angle Lens Graciously Provided by Maxiflex.)

2. Two Glasses of Sonoma Sogood ’95. Glasses Provided by Party Rite Plastix.

3. Capellini Alla Lumpfish. Plates Courtesy of Paperware.

————

$5,000—
Friend

1. Table Near Speakers. Earplugs Courtesy of Bleeding Ear Corporation.

2. A Selection of Locally Brewed Beer, Served
en Bouteille.

3. Fleeting Glimpse of H.R.H. Prince Begin.

4.
Le Diner sur l’Herbe:
A Medley of Recently Mown Grasses from the Sheep Meadow; Dandelion Salad;
Tarte de Boue
(Mud Pie).

————

$1,000—
Acquaintance

1.
Le Mariage de Brun et de Violet
(Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly).

2.
Eau de Tap à la Façon Paysanne.
Served in Your Own Cupped Hands with One Full Cube of Ice (Hole Included).

3. Full Coat-Check Privileges (Tipping Extra).

————

$500—
Do We Know You?

1. Ropeside Tickets Outside Main Entrance to Grand Foyer, Ideal for Viewing the Arrival of the Less Economically Challenged Invitees.

2. Loan of Umbrellas (in Event of Rain).

3.
Vol de Pigeons.
(Magnificent Aerial Display of Pigeons as They Gambol Delightfully Above the Assembled.)

4.
Venin de Fugu á la Mort.
Canapés Made from Removed Blowfish Toxins. Transportation Courtesy of Emergency Medical Services.

—
The New Yorker
, 1996

B
ERLIN
, N.H.—Republican Presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan today proposed that the United States import the 4.7 million British cows affected by mad-cow disease and deploy them across the U.S.—Mexican border to deter illegal immigrants.

D
ALLAS
—Ross Perot today attacked the idea of deploying cows along the U.S.—Mexican border, saying that hungry illegal immigrants would be likely to “take a bite out of ’em on the way over and then we’d end up with tens of thousands of crazy Mexicans running around. I ask you,” he told a crowd, “is that the America we want to leave for our grandchildren?”

F
AIRFAX
, V
A
.—The National Rifle Association today announced that it has offered to send its entire 3.3-million membership over to England
to assist with its massive cow-culling effort. N.R.A. executive Wayne LaPierre said that if Britain did not have such stringent gun-control laws “they’d have been able to nip this problem at the start.” He called on Congress to immediately repeal the ban on some types of assault rifles, including the .50-caliber Elsie Eliminator, so that the membership can “do the job right.”

B
OGOTA
—Luis Alfonso Maquilon Amaya, a head trafficker for the Cali cocaine cartel, is reportedly trying to buy up all 4.7 million mad British cows on the black market. According to sources here, the plan is to stuff the cows full of cocaine and ship them to the United States. “Normally we have problems with customs when the bags break inside and the animals make a big scene,” a source said. “But a
vaca loca
isn’t bothered too much by even a couple of kilos in its bloodstream.”

C
ANBERRA
—The Australian government has said it will take delivery of all British mad cows. Trade Minister Tim Fischer said that the plan is to “float the cows off beaches so the sharks will eat them instead of tourists and the odd Prime Minister.”

L
OS
A
NGELES
—Entertainer Michael Jackson and Saudi Prince Al Waleed Bin Talal announced today that they will create a theme-park home for all British cows afflicted with mad cow disease. Stroking a cow’s forelock as he spoke at the press conference in a barely audible whisper, the singer would not provide details of the amusement park or venture to explain why people would pay to be with millions of mad cows other than to say it would be “really, really wonderful.”

W
ASHINGTON
—Mayor Marion Barry today offered to use Britain’s mad cows to fill District of Columbia potholes. The one problem, he said, is that there are only 4.7 million cows, and the District has 7.8 million potholes.