Wry Martinis (7 page)
Authors: Christopher Buckley
1980:
Franco-Tunisian designer Azzedine Alaïa, taking his cue from women’s athletic fabrics, produces stretch wear, in some cases so tight that women cannot even wear panties underneath. Alaïa’s fashions emphasize the inherent exquisiteness of the female form and bring about the return of bosoms, or, as it is called, the “full-bodied look.”
1981:
Ronald Reagan is inaugurated as the fortieth president of the United States, ushering in an era of conspicuous consumption and more sequins than have been seen since thirteenth-century Venice.
Hems take a hike as women exult in showing the results of aerobics. Evening gowns, however, remain long in keeping with the centuries-old tradition of women showing off their husbands’ wealth by wearing more expensive fabric than their friends do.
—
Vogue
, 1991
Fly-Fishing
Books
XTREME
F
LY
F
ISHING
By Budd Revill
The author, a former Navy SEAL who used to assassinate Vietcong cadres (he includes a perhaps too-graphic chapter on this period of his life), argues that fly fishing has been “pussified” by an over-reliance on expensive, high-tech equipment, packaged fishing trips, and, especially, “high-priced lodges where you eat off china.” His solution is probably not for everyone: he dispenses with waders, preferring to insulate his legs by greasing them with the fat from “whatever animal is handy—a cat will do.” He uses only barbless—and hairless—dry flies and, instead of a modern carbon-fiber rod, a four-foot rattan cane of the kind used on American teenagers in Singapore. “It’s got a nice feel to it,” he observes, “and once the fish is exhausted, you can use it like a club.”
First serial
, Esquire.
HITE
B
EADS
, B
ROWN
T
ROUT
By J. H. Wells
The title of this collection of somewhat obscure essays on trout fishing by Wells, a lay Zen monk in upstate New York, comes from a saying of Hakuin, the eighteenth-century Japanese Zen master: “Should you desire the great tranquillity, prepare to sweat white beads.” One day, while casting for a humongous brown trout in the Beaverkill River, near Roscoe, New York, Wells found himself asking, “What is the point?” (Some readers may ask the same question.) He suddenly flung his rod into the river and “began to bark like a dog.” The reaction of the trout
is not recorded, but the reader may find himself asking, What is the sound of one trout yawning?
ILLS
By Peter Benchley
The celebrated author of
Jaws
is at the top of his form in this gripping tale of a vengeful Dolly Varden trout that terrorizes a fishing camp in British Columbia. Trouble starts when the fearsome, sixteen-inch monster attacks a female wildlife biologist. The trout will not rise to normal flies, and eventually Game Warden Willie (Mac) Shaughnessy and his half-Jewish sidekick, Hamish Cohen, must engage the trout-battling skills of the grizzled half-Inuit, half-Scots poacher, Angus Nook. The harrowing ending, involving a squadron of Canadian Air Command F-18s and a canoe paddle, is a page-turner that will leave the reader reluctant to go near running water for months.
Book-of-the-Month Club main selection; movie rights to Columbia.
ASSHOLES
By Ed Weiler
Trout fly fishermen have always thought of themselves as the pure heirs of Izaak Walton, and of spin-casting bass fishermen as Neanderthal throwbacks. This book, by an English professor at the University of Vermont, leaves no doubt as to where the author stands. “Bass fishermen watch Monday Night Football, drink beer, drive pickup trucks, and prefer noisy women with big breasts,” he writes. “Trout fishermen watch MacNeil-Lehrer, drink white wine, drive foreign cars with passenger-side air bags, and hardly think about women at all.” The last characteristic, he suggests, may have something to do with the fact that trout fishermen spend most of the time immersed up to the thighs in ice-cold water.
First serial
, Atlantic Monthly.
HE
A
POSTLE AND THE
N
YMPH
By Elgar Cole, Ph.D.
The author, a biblical archeologist, challenges Norman Maclean’s famous asseveration in
A River Runs Through It
that the Apostle John was a
dry-fly fisherman. He draws on his excavation of Ut-Ekmek 2, in modern-day Israel, where, he says, John and the other apostles used to go wet-fly fishing during the annual landlocked-salmon run. Cole provides impressive evidence in the form of an almost perfectly preserved No. 6 woolly bugger that closely corresponds with a nymph-type fly made out of chenille which John mentions in a blistering letter to Peter. (Peter had chided John and the other apostles for fishing when they should have been spreading the gospel.) Cole writes about the moment he discovered the woolly bugger with the excitement of Howard Carter peering for the first time into the tomb of King Tut: “When I saw the telltale chenille body, I thought,
Maclean’s going to pass bricks when he sees this.
” But before Cole could communicate his discovery to the world he was arrested by Israeli authorities, charged with trespassing on a top-secret military installation, and held incommunicado for more than a year, during which Dr. Maclean died. Cole claims, convincingly, “The Israelis were then trying to improve relations with the Vatican, which didn’t want it to get out that John used wet flies. They had too much invested in the dry-fly myth.”
—
The New Yorker
, 1994
The Hunt for Red
in October
L
ARRY
K
ING
:
What do you make of the Clinton Moscow trip thing?
G
EORGE
B
USH
:
I don’t want to tell you what I really think.
—
Larry King Show
, October 7
KGB Moscow
Topski Secretski
Eyeski Only
File on American Mole W. Clinton
Codename “Elvis”
January 1970:
Subject is lured to make visit of Soviet Union by our Oxford agent who tells him about “exciting” Moscow girls. Subject extremely eager to make visit but says he has spent all his money on Elvis records. Tickets and money arranged by Oxford agent as part of “international youth understanding exchange” program.
Subject arrives Moscow December, 1969, immediately demands to see exciting Moscow girls. Agent 38-22-36 is assigned to case. Reports immediate success, says subject will enthusiastically work to undermine U.S. imperialism and promote World Socialism as long as Agent 38-22-36 can be his control officer. Is given Deep Cover code-name “ELVIS” after decadent American singer. Agrees to keep top KGB Directorate regularly supplied with disgusting Elvis record albums.
ELVIS is told to foment anti-U.S. sentiment at Oxford. Unfortunately, he displays tendency to give long speeches, causing anti-U.S. crowds to disperse in direction of nearest pubs. Is insistent that Agent 38-22-36 make regular visits to “debrief” him.
ELVIS is urged to go home, join U.S. military, rise through the ranks and become chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff. Plan fails when he reveals he has taken elaborate and irreversible steps to avoid any kind of military service, even Coast Guard. Demands to see Agent 38-22-36. She is sent to Oxford. ELVIS tells her that he was careful to retain his “viability within the [American political] system.”
1970:
Returns to United States. Enrollment in Yale Law School is easily arranged through our many high-level agents at Yale. Is told to foment anti-U.S. sentiment at Yale. Reports that Yale is already extremely anti-U.S., demands meeting with Agent 38-22-36.
1973:
Is told to enter government and undermine proletariat’s confidence in U.S. government. Reports that proletariat already thoroughly disgusted by U.S. government but will run for Congress anyway—from Arkansas, militarily and otherwise insignificant state west of Mississippi River. Loses.
1979:
Becomes governor. Is urged to ignite anger of the proletariat by raising their taxes.
1981:
Succeeds too brilliantly in igniting anger of the proletariat and loses reelection. West Mississippi Region KGB resident directed to begin disinformation campaign blaming loss on his wife.
1983:
OPERATION PILLORY HILLARY successful. ELVIS reelected. Is instructed to anger proletariat more carefully this time. Also instructed to pollute American watershed by urging local industrialist tools to divert massive amounts of fecal coliform bacteria into Arkansas River.
July 1988:
Our many agents within the U.S. Democratic Party arrange for ELVIS to make “keynote” speech at National Convention. A special team of experts from Moscow Institute of Rhetorical Brevity is
infiltrated into Little Rock by Soviet submarine to urge him to keep speech short.
Effort fails spectacularly. Prospects for advancement to higher levels of U.S. government in serious doubt. Crew of Soviet infiltration submarine dies from exposure to fecal coliform bacteria. Awarded Order of Lenin posthumously in private ceremony.
March 1992:
Prospects improve as American Democratic electorate decides not to nominate another Greek, this one with health problems.
KGB telephone surveillance tape of intimate conversation between ELVIS and unidentified female sex partner is sold by disreputable KGB clerk to U.S. “tabloid paper” for blue jeans and Morgan Fairchild stress-management video. Big problems. Special polygraph-defeating unit is infiltrated into Little Rock by Soviet submarine just in case. Submarine crew mutinies when they discover they are surrounded by toxic chicken excretions in Arkansas River; force submarine commander to turn back.
Americans decide they don’t care about female sex partner, only economy. Submarine crew shot.
October 1992:
Big Problem: Reactionary Rep. Robert “Mad Bob” Dornan reveals existence of 1970 Elvis trip to Moscow. U.S. press discovers that one of our many agents in the U.S. State Department has removed incriminating pages from ELVIS’s passport file with evidence of 1969 Moscow trip. American FBI investigating.
Top KGB Directorate meets to decide whether to “burn” ELVIS before he is “blown” as a Soviet mole. Some say, “We’re not communists now. Why do we need a mole anymore in U.S.?” Others say “Are you crazy? I give Yeltsin six months, then—Stalin again. Go for it.”
Two decisions are reached: (1) dispatch Special Unit from the Moscow Institute for Rhetorical Brevity to Debates, this time by parachutes from airplane; (2) destroy this file, which a disreputable KGB clerk could sell to the U.S. press for CD players and Madonna books.
—
Los Angeles Times
, 1992
O
PRAH:
We have a very special guest today, Pope John Paul II. He is the spiritual leader to nine hundred and forty-five million Catholics around the world, but you don’t have to be a Catholic to admire Karol Wojtyla— Am I pronouncing that all right? You’d think, living in Chicago all these years, I could pronounce a Polish name. This is a man who has lived life to its fullest. He grew up in Communist Poland, was mentored by Stefan Cardinal Wys-zyn-ski—I’ll get it right eventually—made Pope when he was fifty-eight, survived an assassination attempt. He has visited more than sixty countries. This is one pope who loves to travel. And somehow finds time to run the Vatican. And now he’s written a book. The name of the book:
Crossing the Threshold of Hope.
We’re honored to have him with us today. Welcome, Your Holiness.
P
OPE:
Thank you.
O
PRAH:
I want to get to the book in a moment, because I’m sure it’s fascinating, but I want to ask you something first. You’ve lost weight, haven’t you? [Applause]
P
OPE:
Yes.
O
PRAH:
You look fantastic. [Applause] How did you do it?
P
OPE:
I was in the hospital for some operations, and so …
O
PRAH:
I think after seeing how good you look a lot of people are going to want to go to the hospital and have some operations. [Applause] I wonder if you could cast some light—and if
you
can’t, who can?—on the rumor that you wrote this book because Carl Bernstein, the famous Watergate reporter, is writing a book about you.
P
OPE:
Yes. I have heard of this other book. I respect this man. But, in the spirit of candor, will his book come from the
os equi?
O
PRAH:
You’re losing me.
P
OPE:
The mouth of the horse. Though I have confidence that he is an honest reporter, I wonder, is he— Well, I don’t want to say.
O
PRAH:
Go on. You’re among friends. [Applause]
P
OPE:
Infallible?
O
PRAH:
All
men think they’re infallible. [Applause]
P
OPE:
As the world approaches the end of the second millennium following the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ, mankind struggles under the oppressiveness of spiritual hunger, which is the inevitable fruit of solipsism and materialism.
O
PRAH:
You’ve got a point there. Even Madonna’s talking about getting married and having a baby. Do you think if she does she’ll name it Jesus?
P
OPE:
Well, there is the Madonna, and there is Madonna.
O
PRAH:
Is it lonely being Pope?
P
OPE:
No, it’s good to be the Pope.
O
PRAH:
OK, let’s take some questions.
A
UDIENCE MEMBER:
I’d like to ask His Holiness what advice he has for a young Catholic girl who would like to be a priest.
O
PRAH:
Oh-oh. I bet you don’t get these questions in the Sistine Chapel.
P
OPE:
Very beautiful city, Chicago.
O
PRAH:
Let’s take another one.
A
UDIENCE MEMBER:
I’m so nervous.
O
PRAH:
Relax, honey. He’s not going to cast you into a herd of swine.
A
UDIENCE MEMBER:
OK. Do you and the College of Cardinals ever play bingo?
P
OPE:
Yes, often. And I will tell you something that is not in my book. Cardinal Deskur
cheats.
[Laughter]
O
PRAH:
There go his chances of making Pope. Speaking of which, there’s been a lot of speculation lately …
P
OPE:
Many Polish people in Chicago.
O
PRAH:
About who might be the next Pope. You want to handicap some of the front-runners for us?
P
OPE:
Winnetka is a nice suburb of Chicago. I am signing books at The Book Stall in Winnetka.
O
PRAH:
We’re not going to let you off that easy. What about this Cardinal Martini we read about? Do you think that a man named after a cocktail could ever be Pope?
P
OPE:
How is Rostenkowski doing?
O
PRAH:
OK, we can take a hint. Any more questions for His Holiness?
A
UDIENCE MEMBER:
What did you want to be growing up?
P
OPE:
My mother wanted me to be a priest. So here I am, you see, just a priest. But with a big church.
O
PRAH
(Wiping away tears): Thank you for sharing that. [Applause] One final question. It’s been reported that you got nine million dollars for the book. What are you going to do with all that money?
P
OPE:
Maybe you should ask Cardinal Deskur what he plans to do with it.