Xvi (32 page)

We boarded the number 33 and made our way to the back.

“Why isn’t it my choice?”

Dee wasn’t going to give up this conversation. So I explained. “If you’re sixteen, the baby’s father has a say, if he wants to. And that’s just part of being sixteen, Dee; it’s not all about sex.”

“How come it’s called ‘sex-teen,’ then? All the verts tell you how popular you’ll be if you dress and act so boys want to have sex with you. What else is there about it?”

“It’s about control, Dee.” The memory of that afternoon at Rita’s crossed my mind—I didn’t have any control then. In that moment, Sal’s kisses and my response to them were all that had mattered to me. Even now, my body involuntarily tingled at the thought of his hands on my skin. Had we not stopped, I was sure that I would have gone further, maybe even had sex with him. I ignored the memory as best I could and continued: “The tattoo—it’s a way for anyone to tell that you’re sixteen. You’re considered an adult then ...”

Obviously bored with my explanation, Dee fiddled with her PAV and curled her feet up under her. “So are you going to have sex with Sal when you turn sixteen?”

“Of course not.” I folded my arms across my chest and stared up the aisle, thinking about that day at Rita’s again. I wondered if my body was listening to my words.

“I’m not ready.” I stared out the window of Wei’s living room, where I’d ended up after dropping Dee back at home after school. Dee had been complaining about a sore throat, so I had a free afternoon.

“It’s not so bad. The thistle tattoo took a lot longer and hurt more.”

“It’s not the pain I’m worried about. It’s all the pressure that comes along with being sixteen, and with this whole FeLS thing ... I don’t think I can do it. I thought it was bad enough before, just not being able to talk to your family for two years, but now? Wei, what if Ed does what he said? What if I get chosen and I don’t end up in the safe group?” I looked to her for reassurance.

“Remember, they won’t be choosing until after Holiday Day,” Wei said. “I know Dad will have figured out some way to get your contract by then.”

“I hope so.” I took hold of her arm and studied her thistle tattoo. “You know, I love this design. It’s more ultra than ultra.”

Wei laughed. “When I turned, I wanted it to be for me, not just a government brand. I was the first Creative to do anything like this. The school authorities called in government people to make sure it was all legal. It’s ridiculous how the GC tells us we have freedom of speech and expression when we really don’t.”

“What will you do when the XVI starts fading?” The tattoos started deteriorating after about three years and were supposed to be completely gone in five, although mostly they just turned a sickly shade of pale green.

“The guy who did this is going to tattoo another thistle over the XVI when I turn twenty-one.”

Wei pointed out a tiny scar behind her right ear. “I got my GPS taken out, too. It amazes me how many girls, and even some guys, keep theirs. Dad says the government gets Media to run stories that keep us scared about could happen and then tells us that by keeping the GPS implanted they can keep us safe. Mom calls it passive brainwashing. It’s a bunch of crap. What it really means is that the government can track you wherever and whenever they want.”

I touched mine, wondering if it was a little traitor. “That could be how Ed found me that day,” I said.

“I thought that, too, but Dad doesn’t think so. He doubts a Chooser would have access to the government’s tracking systems.”

I hoped she was right. He’d found me somehow. “Maybe he’s given up. It’s been almost two weeks.”

“Don’t let down your guard.” I could tell she wasn’t convinced. I wasn’t either.

“Can I see it again?” I asked.

Wei turned her wrist over and I admired the thistle tattoo. Deep pink flowers and gray-green leaves circled the obligatory XVI and fanned around to the other side of her arm. There they met and snaked up the back of her hand toward her fingers. A thistle in full bloom took up the majority of the skin. The leaves continued up her knuckles and spelled out free, one letter per finger.

“Was it really expensive?” As if I didn’t already know the answer.

“Not so much. There’s a guy who does these for ...” She hesitated. “You know, this is a special symbol.”

“What do you mean?”

“In ancient times, in Scotland, there were secret knights that guarded the true king. They were called the Order of the Thistle. The thistle is a symbol of danger and protection.”

“The Order of the Thistle. Sounds serious. Are you—” My PAV alarm interrupted. “I’ve gotta go. Gran and Pops have an appointment at the doctor’s for Pops’s leg. I have to watch Dee.”

“I’ll walk you to the bus stop.”

“No, don’t. I haven’t seen any suspicious trannies lately. And it makes me feel like such a baby whenever anyone purposely walks me somewhere, especially in the middle of the day.”

“Are you sure? Dad thinks I should stick close to you.”

“I’m sure. It’s only two blocks.”

Wei let me go, but only after we made a quick contingency plan—I would dash into the little boutique by the trans stop and pretend to be sick if Ed should happen to appear on either of those two blocks; but it wasn’t necessary. When I got to the apartment, I flopped down on the floor with Dee and watched some anime with her. Shortly before Gran and Pops were due back, Sal came over.

“I wish we had a porch to sit on,” he whispered to me. “I’d like it to be just you and me for a while.” His breath tickled my neck and I felt it down to my toes.

“Me, too.”

We could’ve gone to my room, but Dee would be able to hear anything we said, or if we laughed. And then she’d come see what we were doing. Not that I planned on doing anything, but I didn’t want her to see me and Sal kissing. And I was sure kissing was going to happen no matter where we ended up.

I glanced at the time. Sal and I could go sit somewhere for a while and be together. Dee was wrapped up in her show and wasn’t going anywhere.

“DeeDee, Sal and I are going across to the river oasis. Gran and Pops will be home in a minute. Don’t answer the door or your PAV unless you know who it is. And if it’s Ed, don’t talk to him. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” She didn’t even look up from the AV.

“I mean it, Dee. Promise?”

“I promise! Be quiet, I can’t hear.” She waved her hand at us. “Go already.”

A minute later we were at the elport. Sal twined his fingers in mine. “You sure she’ll be okay?”

“Remember, Ed’s not after her,” I said. “It’s me he wants.”

“I suppose that’s true.” He tickled the inside of my palm with his finger. It gave me chills, the good kind.

“And Ed hasn’t called her since the wreck,” I said. “Besides, she knows not to open the door to anyone. She’s almost twelve. Ginnie left me alone sometimes when I was eleven.”

“But you were exceptional, right?” His eyes were twinkling.

“Right.” I smiled at him. But I wasn’t feeling as lighthearted as I wished. I had something on my mind, and I needed to get it out, before it started eating away at me. As soon as we reached the DZ oasis, I said, “My sixteenth is coming up real soon.”

“It’s a lot bigger deal for a girl than for a guy.”

“I know. I wanted to tell you ... let you know ... something ...” I felt like a huge glob of nut butter was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I was terrified that whatever I said would come out wrong.

“What?” He bent over and kissed me, warming me to the tips of my toes. “What about sixteen?”

“I don’t want you to think that just because I’m sixteen ... and because of what happened ... you know ... at your aunt Rita’s ...” I shouldn’t have mentioned that, because when I did, I wasn’t sure about the truth of what I wanted to say next. This wasn’t going at all like I’d hoped. Sal was so close and his kisses sent summer running through my veins. Before I got lost there, I blurted out, “I don’t want to have sex.”

The minute the words were out, I knew they were a lie. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that afternoon on Rita’s porch. When I lay in bed at night I could almost feel Sal’s hands on my bare skin and I wanted them there again. Not just around my waist either. Thinking about this made it difficult to breathe.

“Who said anything about having sex?” His voice was husky and he was kissing my neck. “I just want to be close to you. Kissing you. Touching you.”

“I want that, too.” I closed my eyes and leaned into him. Then a flash of Ed’s sex vids came into my head. I sat up. I did not ever want those vids and Sal in the same thought.

“Did I do something wrong?” He moved a lock of hair out of my eyes.

“No.” I couldn’t tell him about the vids. Just the thought of putting what I’d seen into words made me feel sick. I forced myself to concentrate on the moment. “It’s the whole sex-teen thing ...” I stumbled around for more words. “I don’t want to.”

“I know that. I would never try to make you either. If it happens, it will be because we both want it to.” He pulled me close. “Sex is not why I’m here.”

“I have to know it isn’t a big deal for you.” I gazed in his eyes.

“You are the big deal for me, Nina.” He wrapped his arm around me, and we sat together until the streetlights came on—which wasn’t nearly long enough for me.

“We’d better get back,” I said.

As soon as we left the privacy of the oasis, my PAV beeped—Gran.

“Nina. Where are the two of you? I’ve been calling for half an hour. It’s supper time.”

“I’m almost home. We were down by the river. Didn’t Dee tell you?”

“Dee? No. Isn’t Dee with you?”

I grabbed Sal’s jacket. “Dee’s gone!”

“Gone? How can she be ...” His face turned pale.

It was as if all the blood drained out of me, and I sank to the ground. “No, no, no ...” I shook my head, moaning. Ed couldn’t’ve. “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have left her. I knew better. He’ll ...”

Sal knelt beside me. “Nina, it’s okay. We’ll find her. He won’t do anything to her. Remember, it’s you he wants. Besides, he’s her father. He wouldn’t hurt her.”

I couldn’t even look at Sal. Pushing him away, I bounded up. “You don’t know that! He could use her to get to me ... he ... This never would have happened if I hadn’t been ... if I wasn’t so stupid sex-teen! I hate it!” I pushed him again. “I don’t want this body. I don’t want it to feel so good when you kiss me, when you touch me. It’s not fair.”

He snatched my arms, pinning them to my sides. “Nina, stop it! Now’s not the time. We’ve got to figure out what to do, okay?”

I looked up, and saw all his feelings right there in his eyes. I knew mine were in my eyes, too. A shudder ran through me. He was right—it was not the time. We had to find Dee, find out what happened.

“We’d better get upstairs,” he said.

In the elport, Sal and I fashioned a plan. He would call his brother while I got a hold of Wei. Between the four of us, we’d figure out what to do next. When the pod stopped three floors below mine, Sal and I fell silent. Even if it was just some old folks heading upstairs for a card game with friends, we couldn’t take chances.

The door opened and there stood Dee.

I yanked her inside. “Where have you been? We’ve been worried to death! You were supposed to stay in the apartment.” All the time I was talking, I alternated between holding her at arm’s length and hugging her. She finally managed to get out of my grasp.

She ducked behind Sal, looking at me like I was insane. “What’s the matter with you? I just went to Harriet’s. She came over to borrow some sugar, and since I was alone she invited me for some cookies. Gran says Harriet’s is a safe place to go.”

“It’s all right, Nina.” The elport had stopped on our floor and Sal was holding the door open. “She’s fine. It’s okay.”

I felt like I’d been sucked into a black hole and jettisoned out the other side. All the what-ifs in the galaxy whizzed through my brain—mostly what if Ed had gotten his hands on Dee? I didn’t know how much more of this I could handle. I wasn’t Dee’s mother—and I hated feeling like I was. Gran was her guardian. But I was her sister. And Ginnie’d told me to take care of her. Even though there was no one to take care of me.

Doesn’t matter,
I told myself.
I’m almost an adult. I can handle this
. I willed myself calm.

My insides were awhirl, but I managed to keep my voice from wavering when I spoke. “Dee, you’re almost twelve. You know better. Never go out like that again without leaving a note on the message center.”

“Okay. Sorry. You’re not mad anymore, are you?”

“No, I was worried, that’s all.”
Liar,
I thought. I was angry, but not at her. With myself. I’d wanted to be with Sal so much, I put Dee in danger. I’d let my feelings for him take over, and ignored what was most important. I couldn’t let that happen again.