Year of Impossible Goodbyes (12 page)

Mother worried about our going to the Little Proletariat School. I heard her say to Aunt Tiger, "After all, they are children and the Town Reds are very skillful at getting information out of them." She was right. With each passing day, it got more difficult for Inchun and me to say so little.

We knew that Kisa was trying to make some arrangements for us all to go South. Mother wanted us to be ready to leave as soon as Father, my brothers, and the nuns arrived. As a mechanic, Kisa was always going around fixing things, and he got to know many of the Pinks in town. He became involved with a group that helped locate secret guides that would take people to the South. As a cover, he pretended to be a Town Red, actively working for the Party. Mother said he would be killed if they found out what he was doing. At home, Inchun and I would sit together and make up things to tell the comrades. We kept working and attending the school, but it was all very boring. I began to wonder what it would be like in the South.

The cold weather was setting in. Mrs. Kim brought a barrel full of coal for us to warm our shiny
ondol
floor. Beaming, she told us, "Your Kisa works so hard for the Party. He often works all through the night to recruit Party members. So we have brought your family the first batch of coal to help keep you warm. Remember how freezing cold we always were when the Japanese Imperialists were here?" Mother nodded and thanked her.

Early the next morning, Kisa came rushing home and whispered to Mother, "We'll have to make plans to go to the South right away. It's getting tougher and tougher. The Russians have discovered most of the secret paths we've been using, and they've started closing them off. They've put more guards on patrol with machine guns. We think a lot of the people we sent have been killed, but we're not sure."

"I want to wait as long as we can tor the nuns and for the men so that we can all go together," said Mother.

Kisa shook his head. "They're probably already in the South," he said. "Many men went straight to the South when they were released by the Japanese. They got word of the Thirty-eighth Parallel before we did. We can't wait. If we wait much longer, we'll never be able to leave. I'm going to make the arrangements. We have to be careful to avoid suspicion. There are lots of spies around. Make sure to go to all the meetings, and smile and sing loudly."
He patted Inchun and me on the head and said, "I know I don't have to worry about you two little ones. You're too smart for your age. Keep an eye on your Mother and especially on your Aunt Tiger. Make sure she doesn't complain about anything. We all have to look like happy members of the proletariat, understood? I'll be back as soon as I can." Kisa left as quickly as he had come. We all watched him limp away.

The following morning, the truck came by and picked us up as usual. The day never seemed so long. Inchun and I worked side by side in the fields. Whenever one of the Town Reds came near us, my heart started to race and I was afraid she would shout, "Traitors, we know you are plotting to escape. You are only pretending to be good little proletarians." I was glad when the sun set and we were finally put on the truck and dropped off at home. My voice was hoarse and my arms ached because I had sung so loudly and waved the flag with the hammer and sickle so vigorously the whole way home.

The days dragged on slowly, now that I was anxiously waiting for Kisa to tell us when we would be going to the South. It was hard not knowing what had happened to my father and brothers. It was hard to remain silent when it was all that I thought about. Mrs. Kim started to bring delicious cookies to the Little Proletariat meetings to give to the children who told all about their families, but Inchun and I were wary. Our whole household was nervous and frightened. We were afraid of the Russians, but even more afraid of the converted Korean Communists,
for they would surely report us. It was hard to tell who was a Pink. We couldn't take any chances.

One afternoon, Mrs. Kim came to visit us. She asked if Mother was feeling all right and if we had enough to eat. Mother thanked her profusely for her concern, and Comrade Kim left saying, "Mother Russia and our leaders are generous. If you need more bread to eat, we will give you more."

Mother sighed with relief as she watched Mrs. Kim walk back out the gate, but Aunt Tiger whispered, "Do you think she knows something? Maybe someone told her to watch us closely. I wonder if Kisa is all right ... it's been a few days since he's been home."

"I am sure he's all right," replied Mother, wringing her hands. "Mrs. Kim is just poking about as usual."

That night we ate our meal in silence. I heard Mother and Aunt Tiger whispering their prayers in the next room. I, too, said my prayers under my breath and I drifted off to sleep, comforted by their voices.

A cold gray fog hung over the town. The rice-paper paneled doors, rattling in the late-October winds, sounded like crickets on a dark night. It was late, but we were trying to stay awake, hoping this would be the night that Kisa would come to see us. When I went to adjust the rice-paper panels, I saw a black figure limping toward us. My heart started to race and I was filled with joy and relief.

Kisa smiled nervously as he came inside. He was flushed and breathing heavily. "I saw Uncle!" he blurted out. "Just for a few minutes on the road."

Mother said, "When, how is—"

Kisa waved his arms in the air to stop her and said that he had only a few minutes to spare. He said that through his work with the Party members, he had gotten in touch with Father, who had been trying for a long time to find a way to reach us. Father had successfully convinced the Communists to hire him to transport raw materials from the North and trade them for rice in the South. He had already made several trips back and forth.

While transporting goods to the South, he managed to help many people escape. Somehow, he found my three brothers after the war. Jaechun had been very sick with tuberculosis and dysentery due to the bad food and the years of hard labor under the Japanese. Hanchun and Hyunchun were about to be shipped off to Siberia, hut Father got to them in time. Mother had her hands clasped over her mouth to contain herself. She wanted to hear every word. "Are they all right, where are they now?" she finally blurted out.

"Yes, yes, Uncle said they are all fine now," Kisa answered. "They were ill, but Uncle hid them in a Buddhist temple far in the north where they could recuperate. Then, he hid them in his truck and took them to Seoul. Uncle is looking well. He's working on coming up to Kirimni to take us back next. From now on, we must be ready to leave at a moments notice."

"We'll be ready," Mother said. "We'll pack everything right away and we'll be waiting."

"No, no ... no packing. There's not enough room in the truck," said Kisa. "Just be dressed in many layers of warm dark clothing. We must pretend we are off to a Party meeting down the street. We're going to have to walk through town to meet him. He can't be seen straying from his appointed route. It would arouse a lot of suspicion. In the meantime, be very visible at the Party meeting, praise Communism, and hoist the red flags high. If you can, try to be home as much as possible. I don't know when Uncle will be coming, but we have to be ready to go whenever he shows up."

"Be careful," whispered Mother, and she watched him disappear into the darkness. She stared at the door through which Kisa had so quickly come and gone, and then collapsed to the ground. I saw tears welling up in her eyes. Aunt Tiger sat next to her and they hugged each other. Mother stretched out her arms and Inchun and I ran to them. How good it was to know that Father was alive and well, and that my three brothers were safe in Seoul. And how wonderful to know that Father would be coming to take us to the South. Yet I wondered how it was that he had left us here so long. I wished that he had come for us earlier, as he had for his sons Why had he left us for last?

Mother, wiping her tears with her trembling fingers, murmured, "I knew my God would not desert me. I knew He was listening to all our prayers." Then Mother looked at Aunt Tiger and said, "We will soon hear good news about your husband, too." I suddenly realized how pensive Aunt Tiger looked. She was happy for us, but I knew that every day she hoped for some news of her husband.

We waited in anxious excitement, and each day seemed longer than the one before. Aunt Tiger, frightened that our plan would be discovered, said one day, "I think I should be more visible at Party meetings. It'll make it easier for us. Maybe I'll be able to get us a work assignment to do at home."

Mother exclaimed, "How long do you think you can fool the eager Reds? We're all doing enough. Don't get in any deeper. It's too dangerous." But Aunt was determined, and for the next several days she worked until late in the evening with Comrade Kim and her followers.

Early one morning, Inchun and I heard Aunt chatting with the other Party members. "Comrades, I want to do more work for the Party. Communism is the way to go for us women. No men and no Japanese can tell us what to do anymore. I want to enlighten ignorant women and convert them to Marxism. The capitalistic Americans are no good. We must do what we can for Mother Russia." Comrade Kim, thoroughly delighted, immediately took Aunt Tiger to Natasha. Aunt Tiger told us later that they had a celebration to welcome her into the ranks.

Aunt Tiger quickly made friends with the Party leaders as well as with many of the frightened, timid townspeople. It did not take her long to know the real Reds from the Pinks. Between Kisa and Aunt Tiger we learned that there were many others looking to escape to the South.

As Aunt Tiger had hoped, she was able to get us a project that allowed us to work at home. We were given the task of making more flags and posters for our town. Mother and Inchun and I copied the propaganda slogans onto large banners and sewed flags at home all day long. The whole family had become trusted comrades and potential Party members.

Each day we waited for Father, fully prepared to leave for the South within minutes. For several nights after Kisa's visit, we lay awake listening for the urgent tap at the door. Our nervous anticipation turned to weary disappointment with the passing of the days. There was no sign of Father, and Aunt Tiger was having a harder and harder time pretending to be a devoted Party member. She produced no results as far as the Party was concerned. She had not identified any townspeople as traitors, nor had she brought any new members into the Party. And the Russians and Town Reds were beginning to keep an even closer eye on everyone. Party leaders had begun to issue passports to all of us. Even to cross the street I had to show my passport and have it stamped. Walks and visits were limited even within Kirimni.

At the Little Proletariat School, it grew increasingly difficult for me to listen to the awful propaganda and the constant harsh criticisms of the Capitalists. Anyone who was interested in anything other than the Marxist Red books was labeled a traitor and a Capitalist. We only talked about Mother Russia and the wonderful Communist leaders. I had to make the smaller children repeat after me: "We, the young proletarian comrades, are important. We can save our grown-up comrades from being Capitalists and Imperialists. If we see any comrades, whether father or mother, not understanding Mother Russia, we must report them to our comrade leader. This is our duty to Mother Russia. The Capitalists are our enemy The Imperialists are our enemy. Mother Russia is for people like us. One for all and all for one. We are all equal and it is our duty to secure this social paradise."

It had been almost three weeks since Kisa had come.
As usual, I got dressed in my many layers of clothing in case that day would be the one. Inchun came to my room, and we watched the dawn breaking. The world seemed safe and peaceful. It was then that we heard footsteps outside the rice-paper paneled door. Our ears were so attuned to the atmosphere that no unusual sound or movement could escape our notice. We ran to the door. Mother and Aunt Tiger were already there, peering out into the semidarkness.

The door slid open and a foot entered awkwardly through the door. We knew it was Kisa. "It's okay. It's Kisa," he whispered with excitement. "I have a very special message from Uncle. He will not be able to come and get us. The security is too tight around here." Then he pulled out a small pouch of something and handed it to Mother as if it were some precious object. Carefully she untied the strings of the pouch. Rings and necklaces made of gold and jewels sparkled inside the handkerchief in which they were wrapped. Kisa said they were rare jewels and they would be enough to hire the best professional guide to help us cross the 38th Parallel. Kisa had made these arrangements over the past three days as Father had asked him to. The guide would come at exactly 4^30 in the morning, and would he dressed like a farmer, wearing straw shoes and carrying an A-frame on his back. Mother was to give the pouch to him before we left on the long journey.

"
You
give it to him when he comes. Why are you telling me this?" asked Mother.

Kisa sighed. "I can't go. If I disappear, the Russians will notice immediately and will send a search party after me. Then we'd all get caught and be brought back here to face the machine guns. Aunt Tiger and I have to be here to cover for you and give you a chance to cross the border. The two of us have been too visible. You must leave now and we will follow soon after. I have to run. Remember to be ready by four-thirty. That's when the patrol guards change shifts and the guide will want to use every minute of that time. So be waiting by the door, give him the pouch, and follow him immediately. He will be pleased with his pay, and he will treat you well, especially the little ones."

Aunt Tiger remained silent throughout all this. Mother turned to her in disbelief. "But both of you must come with us..."

Aunt Tiger did not respond, and Kisa simply said, "We will all see each other very soon. I must leave. Now, when you reach the South, there will be sources to help you locate your home in Seoul. That won't be a problem, so you needn't worry about that now." Kisa wished us a safe journey and lifted Inchun up onto his shoulder. He gave him a bounce, and put him down. Then he rested his hand on my head. I had always felt warm and secure in his presence. He hesitated for a second as if he wanted to say something special to me. I wished that he would with us. Suddenly, I was gripped by the terrible fear that I would never sec him again. I looked up at him and he smiled broadly to chase away the clouds of sadness within me. I could not smile back at him. He turned and slowly disappeared.