Margaret interrupted her gently. “Rachel, not everyone is Michelle. You know that.”
She took a calming breath. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” Michelle had been her partner for thirteen years. It had been good between them in the beginning, or so she thought. Looking back on it, Rachel was unsure exactly for how long she had deluded herself. Life had always revolved around Michelle and what she wanted. There had been affairs and not just the two Rachel knew of. It still hurt when she thought of the life they had shared, the one she’d foolishly fought so hard to keep. Going over and over, dissecting every aspect with a therapist, the only conclusion she had ever reached was that she had thrown away thirteen years of her life.
“Just be yourself,” Margaret advised her. “You are a lovely person and despite what you may think, quite a catch for anyone, believe me.”
“Thank you Margaret, you’re a good friend.”
“Ask her more personal questions, stop beating around the bush.”
Rachel laughed. “You’re right. I’m tying myself in knots, when it should be so simple. I get the impression Jess is reasonably open and honest. I’m probably just making it difficult for us both.”
Margaret said, “That’s the spirit. Go find out, girl.”
Chapter Eight
Jess and Julie were settling down at either end of the oversized sofa. Julie began to massage Jess’s foot. They were enjoying one of their girlie nights, as they called them. Tom was away for the night, all expenses paid by a drug company attempting to recruit doctors and their patients into a clinical trial.
Laughing, Jess almost choked on her wine. “I can’t believe Maddie managed to have sex with Lee and then leave with Karen. No wonder the family is upset and embarrassed. I can imagine Harriet Simpson’s shock.” She attempted to mimic Maddie’s mother: “Even that Brewster girl wouldn’t stoop so low, Maddie. You’re a disgrace.”
Julie started to laugh as well, before growing annoyed. “I just don’t know where they get their information about you. Your reputation is a hundred times worse than the reality. How does that happen? They don’t know you at all.”
Jess smiled ruefully. “A hundred times, that’s not bad. If only it were true, I’d be having a whale of a time.” She laughed as Julie squeezed her toes. “Don’t let it upset you. The people who matter the most know me better than that.”
Julie attempted a smile, a rather half-hearted effort, so her foot received a tickle. She giggled and pulled it away, then slid it back into place.
Jess added, “The adults in that family never really liked me anyway. I was too fond of their daughter and not of their son.”
Julie nodded and sniggered. Her irritation began to rise again. “Maddie was never discreet with her men. It’s funny, that just because her preferences change, it’s a disgrace to be so wanton.”
Jess grinned. Her friend always defended the fact she was seen as different. She didn’t tolerate people’s perceptions that some things were acceptable for heterosexuals and not for homosexuals. She wanted to lighten her friend’s mood. “You know I don’t remember hearing of Maddie having two men in one night though. Consecutive nights maybe.” They both tittered as they took a sip of wine.
Suddenly Jess grimaced in remembrance and Julie pinched her toe. “What?”
“Actually I do know of one night. I remembered wondering at the time what I ever saw in her.”
Julie snorted loudly. “The same as the boys. Blond hair, big boobs and a very suggestive smile. I never took your crush on her too seriously. I’m not sure you did either.”
Jess smirked. “You’re probably right. If she’d shown any interest, I’d have been petrified and run the other way.”
Would you though, given the chance? Thank goodness I never had a choice.
Julie sat forward, the wine definitely giving her a buzz. “Explain the one night. I can’t believe you haven’t told me this before.”
Jess hesitated, realizing why she hadn’t mentioned it. “It was at the sixth form party.”
“Ah.” Julie squeezed her foot. “Go on, you can’t stop now.”
Jess relaxed. “Well, I saw Maddie in three compromising positions that night, with three different boys.”
Julie gasped. “You’ve got to be kidding?”
“I don’t know why I’m finding this funny. Just the thought of it…” She scrunched up her face. “If I hadn’t known I was different from the rest of you, it certainly wouldn’t have taken much to sway me after that.”
Julie laughed. “Hetero sex, not a pretty sight for you then?” She rubbed her hands together.
Jess described the drunken night, where a whole bunch of teenagers were allowed to celebrate end of school, unsupervised. Neither of them could believe the goings-on, as they exchanged memories. Jess finally said, “She was actually saying, that’s enough I can’t do this again.” There was a pause before she quietly added, “That’s when I heard you.”
She glanced at Julie and gently stroked her foot. They were silent for a moment until Julie whispered, “Thank you.”
That night Jess had been the only one whose hormones weren’t on the rampage. Her uncle had warned her not to drink and to keep an eye on her friends. And as she always did, she did as she was told. She was grateful to him though, or she may not have been able to save Julie from Damien Hall. A boy Julie didn’t even particularly like. Yes, she had flirted with him, kissed and cuddled, curious where it might lead. Then when he started undoing his trousers and grappled with Julie’s jeans, she had asked him to stop. That hadn’t deterred him and she was powerless. She was drunk and felt she’d encouraged him. Trying to reason with him was futile and as the horror of what was to come grew, she pleaded desperately again. Jess had heard her cries and yanked him off before he managed to penetrate her. Jess, the girl who was different, had then taken the jeers of wanting to keep Julie for herself, as she hurriedly helped her friend to dress, keeping all the others at bay, and in particular, a raging Damien. Ironically, most of Jess’s peers now admired and respected her. With life’s experience they had all matured in their beliefs; the people that mattered, anyway.
They were both wrapped up in their own thoughts for a while before Julie asked. “More wine?”
Jess looked over at her. “Not if it’s going to make you morose?”
Julie rose and kissed the top of Jess’s head. “No, that night made me save myself for much better men. And I couldn’t have found a better one than Tom.” She sat after filling their glasses. “I haven’t asked you about Rachel and her trip to Edinburgh.”
Jess blushed at the rush of feeling that washed over her at the mention of the gorgeous brunette’s name.
Julie raised her eyebrows at the response. “Is there something I should know?”
“No. Of course not,” Jess grumped, and stomped over to the fireplace, turning her back on the room.
“What have I said?”
Jess glanced back at her friend and sighed. “Oh nothing. I’m sorry. I just thought...nothing.” Her behavior was becoming increasingly uncharacteristic over Rachel. Rarely had her feelings strayed past pleasure and friendship in the past because when they did, disaster always struck. That’s all she had to remember, it wasn’t difficult.
You’re just being ridiculous.
“She’s a bit of puzzlement to me.”
“Why?”
Jess sighed. “I can’t work out whether she’s gay or straight and for some weird reason, it’s bothering me.” Julie said nothing. She chuckled nervously. “I just hope for everyone’s sake she’s straight.”
Julie attempted not to sound too excited. “Why is that so important?”
Jess noted the tone, but chose to ignore it this time. “If I knew for certain she was straight, I could stop thinking about…”
“What? What would you then stop thinking about?”
Jess reddened and flopped herself back on the sofa. “I’m like a dog in heat! The only thing that’s keeping me in check is the thought she might be straight.” Julie couldn’t help it, she had to laugh. “It’s not funny,” Jess protested. “It’s driving me mad.”
“All right. What if she isn’t straight and available? Why can’t you satisfy your desires and see where it leads?”
“If I’d met her in a bar, it would have been perfect. We’d have had a wonderful night together and that would have been that. As it is, it would be a horrendous mistake.” She looked directly at Julie. “She has been coming here for years and loves it. What right do I have to spoil that, just to indulge some pathetic need of mine?”
“You obviously think a lot of her to be getting yourself so worked up.”
Jess narrowed her eyes and asked suspiciously, “What are you trying to say?”
“It’s plain, you care for her.”
“For heaven’s sake, I know where you’re heading, Julie. You’ve known Rachel for six years and not once have you suggested I stay a summer and check her out. It was Maddie a couple of weeks ago. And if she’s straight…” She shook her head. “What is your problem?”
I know what my problem is. I don’t think she’s straight at all.
Julie frowned. “Is wanting your friend to be happy and not alone a problem?”
“How many times do I have to tell you, I am not unhappy and I am not alone?”
Julie sighed. “I’ve never known you to get yourself in a pickle over something you can’t have. You simply walk away, just like you did when you first met her.”
Jess closed her eyes, not wanting to argue. “She is totally off limits and it’s due to that fact, I’ve become obsessed, that’s all.”
“Then what are you going to do?”
“Nothing. Admire her from a distance and satisfy my libido elsewhere.” That was another problem. Her night of noncommittal sex after a grueling seven months of work and stress only led to her feeling like she had betrayed Rachel.
Totally irrational.
“That’s cold. What if she has feelings for you?”
Jess groaned. “Please, she hasn’t shown any interest in me, whatsoever.”
“So you don’t know if she will reciprocate your feelings?”
Jess glared. “Julie, listen to me. That doesn’t matter. Even if she would, I am not going there.” She attempted to soften her tone. “She means too much to Uncle Jack. I couldn’t do that to him. And I couldn’t do it to her. She would end up hurt. Nothing is worth any of that.”
“Jess, you’re just afraid. I think you’ve found someone who’s more than a passing fancy and you’re fighting it. You cannot keep blaming yourself for events that were not your fault. You have to let it go. You’re not giving yourself a chance of ever having the joy of sharing your life with someone.”
Jess’s impatience rose again. “I never said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the woman. I’m lusting after her, nothing more, nothing less, and I will not be responsible for anyone else’s harm.” Jess wanted an end to this conversation. “Uncle Jack is due his follow-up tests the day after tomorrow. I need to concentrate on him, nothing else is important.”
Julie sighed, sliding her arm around her friend’s shoulders and drawing her into a hug. “I know and I want to be here for you. That’s what’s important to me, I’m sorry.”
Chapter Nine
After arriving back from taking her Uncle Jack and Marie down to the village, Jess started work on replacing a long section of unstable fencing that bordered the estate. The task was huge, and her mood was lifted when Rachel appeared late in the morning and insisted on helping. Rachel actually slowed her progress, but she didn’t care, the company and the eagerness of her assistant was a pleasant distraction from thinking about her uncle. The tests he’d had were neither encouraging or discouraging. The cancer hadn’t appeared to have spread, yet they’d hoped to have seen a little more progress in his health.
Rachel looked up as she put her last post in place as instructed. “Jess, this may seem like a stupid question, but where did you learn all these practical skills? Is it just experience?”
Jess put her mattock down and examined the hole for size. “Yes, mostly from Uncle Jack, he was builder and did a bit of everything. Oh, I did go on a short electrical course.”
“Electrical?”
“Yes. Our guests could probably survive most botched jobs, even a few dodgy roof tiles, but electrocution. That wouldn’t be good.”
Rachel tut-tutted, “I don’t believe you do any of your jobs badly.” She grinned. “Your uncle wouldn’t let you.”
Jess laughed, picking up a post and placing it in the hole. “You’re right there.”
“Have you been to college or university at all?”
Jess smiled. “Could you hold this please? Not university. I did go to college for a business diploma. It was only for a year. I thought it might be helpful. And, all my orienteering I have done through college to gain my certification.”
“For the walking holidays?”
“Yes and…Just tilt that a wee bit toward me.” Jess chuckled. “And don’t grip it quite so tightly.”
Rachel slackened her hold on the post and watched as Jess swung the mallet. Every muscle was emphasized with the motion and the smooth pale area of her belly that peeped out on each swing was mesmerizing.
“Rachel, you can let go.”
She blinked. “Sorry. I was miles away. The walking company, what exactly is it you do? Besides walk?” Rachel inwardly rolled her eyes.
Jess wasn’t entirely sure what Rachel was staring at but she was sure she was admiring something. That wasn’t helping Jess, especially as it was giving her a very pleasant feeling in the area of her body she was desperately trying to ignore. “I go away with groups. Sometimes it’s a long-distance trek, others can be daily walks in one particular area, or I do specialist ones, looking at local flora and fauna. The holidays are mostly in Britain and in some parts of Europe.”
“So, do you cover Scotland?”
“Occasionally. I’m a little more flexible than most, so it varies.”
“Why do you do it?”
Jess smiled. “I enjoy it. Uncle Jack thought I should do something other than work here. Meet new people, that sort of thing. Last year was my tenth anniversary.” Jess didn’t like to think it would be the last. And that wasn’t because she thought she would miss it.
“Well, before I ask you another silly question, I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry. I’m going to go and get us some lunch. You’ll have to carry on without my valuable assistance.” Rachel grinned.