Authors: Kirsty Greenwood
She's ur auntie! Don't be so selfish. She wiped ur bum when u were baby.
REPLY TO: MUM
Okay. Will have a look at songs. x
I arrive at the Pear and Partridge to meet Meg for the hypnotist show and am astonished to see that it’s really busy. The atmosphere is electric! So buzzing that you’d think Take That were dropping by for an impromptu jam sesh, as opposed to some dodgy hypnotist. Well, it’s unlikely he’s real is it? If he could
actually
hypnotise people he’d be doing shows in Las Vegas, or selling CD’s on how to stop smoking –
not a Thursday night gig at a dubious Manchester pub.
I politely push my way through the crowd and spot Meg. She's sat at a small table as close to the makeshift performance area as it’s possible to get. She looks gorgeous as ever with her baby fine blonde hair and Jessica Rabbit curves accentuated in a too tight red tea dress. Sexy, yet homely, a bit like a slutty farmer’s wife.
As I make my way towards the table, I spot a load of colourful posters dotted around the walls of the pub.
The Amazing Brian. H
ypnotising, Mind Reading, Spell C
asting, etc. Performing at the Pear and Partridge. Ticket Only. No photos. No vids.
“
Your hair isn’t that bad!
”
Meg says as soon as she sees me, before kissing me softly on the cheek.
I reach my hand up to my head. I’ve managed to flick the ends out so that it doesn’t look quite so bowl-shaped.
“
You’re just being nice.
”
“
You know I don’t do nice. We’ll have to dye it though. Totes. It’s stripy. Actually, it’s a little bit like that cat you used to have when we were kids.
”
“
Tracy.
”
“
Yeah, that’s it
-
Tracy the tabby! Aaaah. May she RIP. Yes. We’ll definitely have to change the colour. But the cut is totally fine, very Louise Brooks. Drink?
”
She doesn’t need to hear my
reply before pouring me a fish
bowl sized glass of Sa
u
v Blanc from the bottle on the table and thus reinforcing one of the many reasons why she’s my best mate.
“
Your hypnotist is called Brian?
”
I say after taking a long slug of my drink.
“
Actually it’s the
Amazing
Brian.
”
She says his name in a low, whispery voice. Meg is excellent at voices. She's always wanted to be a singer in a band but for the past few years she's been working as a voiceover artist. You’ve probably heard her. She voiced a really famous food advert. You know the one. Images of food looking totally amazing, like hot chocolate sauce oozing slowly out of a pudding, while a seductive sounding woman describes it all? Well the seductive sounding woman is Meg. Yes, I know. Celebrity mates. Her normal accent is a lush, friendly Geordie, which is perfect for the regular radio ads she does at Manchester’s Key 103.
“
Still…
Brian?
”
I try to raise an eyebrow. I end up raising two, which always happens and I just have to learn to accept.
“
So what? Paul McKenna’s called Paul. And Derren Brown is called Derren. What’s that about? Derren isn’t even a real name. Anyway. It’s not his name I’m interested in. It’s the power he has to make me super svelte! Popstars can’t have muffin tops. Everyone knows that, Natty.
”
I look at her, already irresistible, and wonder, not for the first time, why on earth she thinks she needs to lose weight. She’s got the kind of wonderfully placed curves that make Salma Hayek look like a malnourished ten year old boy, but there’s just no getting through to her. Believe me, I’ve tried!
As it nears to seven o’clock, the atmosphere in the pub charges even more. The table next to us is filled with a group of middle aged ladies, chattering away in excitement, and a crowd has formed at the side of our table. I get the same rush of excitement as I did this morning. That odd anticipation. Must be the wine. It’s a bit of a shock to the system after Olly’s non-alcoholic stuff.
“
Do I look okay?
”
asks Meg.
“
Is this dress too short? I don’t want to embarrass myself on the stage.
”
I love that it doesn’t occur to Meg that she may not be picked to be hypnotised. Like I said, totally optimistic, which is one of the many reasons I love her. She half stands up from the table to show me her dress. It’s short. As short as it’s possible to get without being in danger of arrest for indecent exposure. She looks at me expectantly before sitting back down.
Well, I can’t tell her, can I? At least not right now. The show’s about to start and she’d only feel uncomfortable if I told her, or want to go home and change. It isn’t
that
bad. As long as she doesn’t move AT ALL.
“
No, it’s fine. Lovely!
”
I enthuse, taking another swift gulp of my drink.
A waitress comes over with two bowls of chips and places them in front of us.
“
Oh, I ordered us chips,
”
Meg says, reaching for the salt shaker and sprinkling it liberally over the potatoes.
“
I figured you hadn’t had time to eat yet, so I hope you don’t mind that I chose? If all goes well with the hypnosis, this might be the last time I’ll ever eat chips. Imagine that! We’ll have to hurry though, 'cos I don’t want to be scoffing my face when Brian comes on!
”
I laugh and tuck into the chips. Meg tells me about her day at work, and then asks how the wedding plans are coming along. When I tell her about the dress of horrors, her face goes bright red with indignation.
“
They chose your wedding dress!
”
she shrieks, attracting glances from the group of ladies next to us.
“
They can’t do that!
”
“
They did,
”
I sigh.
“
It’s fine. They were only trying to help. It’s fine.
”
“
As if the bridesmaid dresses aren’t bad enough!
”
Oh yeah. Dionne has insisted on bridesmaid dresses that are black, sparkly and with tutu skirts.
“
Seriously,
”
says Meg, angrily stuffing chips into her mouth.
“
You can’t let them get away with it. They take over everything. Always have done. Why don’t you ever tell them?
”
This is a bone of contention between Meg and I. The only one that’s ever occurred in our lifelong friendship. Meg thinks my family need to back off. I don’t know. Perhaps I do think that, you know, in my deepest thoughts. But I would never say it. When Meg says it, it bristles.
“
Well it’s only one day
…
”
I reason.
“
It’s THE day! God. Can’t they ever let you make a decision on your own?
”
“
I only care about the marriage bit anyway. You know I’m not into all the fancy schmancy weddingy, cake, flowers stuff. I’m happy for them to take care of it. It’s kind of them.
”
“
They want you to think they’re taking care of it! What they’re really doing is controlling it. Just like they control everything. They keep you so locked in, Nat.
”
Meg’s tirade is drowned out as a heavily reverbed voice booms out from the speakers in the pub. I’m glad of it, because what she’s saying about
M
um and Dionne is really out of order. And totally, utterly wrong.
“
Ladies and Gentlemen…
”
I look behind me and see one of the barmen crouched behind the bar with a microphone.
“
… Please take your seats and give a warm welcome toooooooo…
”
Meg quickly wipes around her mouth with a napkin and pushes the remainder of her chips over to my side of the table. It now looks like I’ve had two bowls of chips to myself. Meg reaches over and squeezes my hand, her eyes shining. Her excitement is infectious, and as the lights of the pub dim, I feel a few butterflies flipping around my tummy.
“
…The Amaaaaazing Briaaaaaaan!
”
The crowd clap heartily, a few whistles and cheers. Suddenly, multi-coloured lights begin to flash above us, and a loud noise sounds out through the speakers.
Oh God. It’s Tubular Bells - the theme from
The Exorcist
.
Suddenly, emerging from the door to the tap room and politely excusing his way through the crowd is a short, chubby man of about sixty. He has a white beard, and a beer belly encased in a woolly brown jumper with the letters
‘A
B
’
knitted in red. Brian looks exactly like his name. And also a little bit like an accountant.
Meg’s head spins sharply towards the man and her eyes widen in bewilderment. I muffle my laughter with my hand. I don’t know what we were expecting. A cape? Make-up? Paul McKenna’s hotter brother? Either way, it wasn’t this.
The Amazing Brian half walks, half jogs over to the performance area in front of us and after catching his breath signals over to the barman to turn off the music. The barman complies and the room is plunged into silence.
“
Thank you. Thank you, everyone,
”
Brian murmurs into the microphone. His accent is pure Yorkshire, like something from
Emmerdale
. Thank yo. Thank yo, everywun.
“
Right. Well,
”
he says, squinting out into the crowd.
“
We best get on, like.
”
The audience waits. A few of them titter nervously. I look to Meg who is suddenly sat up straighter, like the kid in class who wants to be picked for the lead role in the Nativity.
“
I’m Brian. Erm, Amazing Brian,
”
he says pointing to the initials on his jumper.
“
And I am right glad to be here tonight. To, you know, hypnotise some people.
”
He pauses to take a sip of ale.
“
So, Ladies and Gentlemen. During the course of tonight’s show, strange and magical type things will happen… I have trained in the art of mind reading and hypnotic induction for many, many years. And while tonight, I use my powers for your entertainment, you need to know that what I do is very real. By agreeing to take part, you are agreeing to open up your mind to my control.
“
Meg looks at me, eyebrows raised before topping up my glass of wine. Something about the way Brian speaks, with such simple belief and conviction, rather than the brash, showy way I expected of a pub hypnotist, unsettles me.
“
I will now use my powers to choose an audience member who I sense is the most open to suggestion and persuasion.
His gaze travels across the room. For a moment it rests on me. My tummy plummets. I put my head down and stare at the empty chip bowls.
When I look up again his eyes are still on me, and when they meet mine
they light up.
“
You, young lady,
”
he utters softly, staring at me so intensely it’s like he can see into the very depths of my soul. It’s an unusual moment in my life.
Crap.
“
Erm. Sorry. I’m not here to be hypnotised,
”
I mutter nervously.
“
I came with my friend, Meg. She’s the one you want.
”
I nod over towards Meg who smiles at me gratefully.
My heart is pounding at the thought that I would have to get up in front of everyone. No thanks very much!
“
I’ll do it
”
Meg shouts to Brian, standing up and waving at everyone.
“
I’d be honoured!
”
The male members of the audience, apparently buoyed by her charm, enthusiasm and dangerously short dress start to whoop and clap. Their wives throw her daggers.
Brian pauses and squints at Meg. She returns his gaze with an eager smile.
“
I’m really easily persuaded!
”
she pleads.
Brian’s dark eyes narrow and flicker back towards me for what in reality is probably a few seconds but feels like a few minutes, and then suddenly he smiles and chuckles lightly to himself.
“
Okay then, lass. Up you get.
”
Giving a little squeal Meg bounds up to the performance area, and (thank you, Jesus) pulls down her skirt as she goes. I giggle as I hear a few of the men sigh with disappointment.