Authors: Kirsty Greenwood
“
So,
”
says Meg once she’s reached Brian.
“
I’ve actually come prepared. I know it’s unorthodox, but I know exactly how I want you to hypnotise me.
”
Brian looks bemused but says nothing, so Meg continues.
“
So, basically. I want you to do a hypno surgery on me. To help me to lose weight. Ideally. I’d like to lose about two stones. Primarily off my arms and backside. They’re my problem areas, you see. If you could help, it’d be great. Please.
”
“
Um… No, love,
”
Brian shakes his head.
“
I’m afraid that’s not something I could do on stage.
”
Megs face falls, she folds her arms.
“
Why? Why not?
”
“
It’s not my speciality,
”
Brian explains.
“
That kind of thing is not what I do, petal. Besides, it wouldn’t be very entertaining for the audience, would it? I'm here to do something performance based, love.
”
“
Oh. Right. Yes, of course,
”
says Meg despondently.
“
Get on with it for the love of God!
”
shouts one of the women on the next table, now apparently pissed.
Brian ignores her.
“
I can hypnotise you for fun, and that is all.
”
Meg looks over to me and I shrug. May as well, while we’re here. To be honest, The Amazing Brian doesn’t appear to be all that amazing, so this should be a laugh.
“
Ah, go on then!
”
says Meg finally.
“
Why not. Just…no removing of clothes, okay?
”
“
Booo!
”
say a couple of men at the bar. Meg blushes and pulls her dress down again. I give her a thumbs up and signal to the barman for another glass of wine.
Brian, frowning as if offended by the very thought that his act would ever include anything as plebeian as clothes shedding, shushes the audience and begins.
“
Meg. Young lady. I need you first of all to close your eyes and relax…
”
Meg shakes her shoulders as if loosening up and after glancing at me one more time, closes her eyes.
I feel nervous and excited. I’m not sure why, because it obviously isn’t going to work. Nevertheless, the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.
“
…
As I speak, the sound of my voice will go with you…
”
Brian takes hold of Meg’s small, manicured hand and clasps it between his own. His voice becomes deeper and surprisingly soothing, his Yorkshire burr strong and calm.
“
Here. Now. As you feel my energies passing into you, you understand everything I say. You are safe and in control. No…wait… I am in control…
count backwards from twenty. Backwards from twenty. And when you reach one you will be under my spell. My voice will soothe you and you will sleep.
”
I stare transfixed, able only to hear the sound of my own breathing. Brian begins to countdown from twenty and Meg joins in. Her eyes are still closed so I can’t tell if she’s faking or not. I count with them in my head.
“
Sleep!
”
demands Brian, when they reach one, turning back towards the rest of us. On his command Meg’s head lolls forward and the audience, including me, gasp. Whoa!
Brian’s gaze meets mine once again, his eyes flashing. I feel a shiver run through me.
“
Right!
”
Brian announces to the crowd, back to his normal, less melty voice.
“
Meg is now under hypnosis. For the purposes of entertainment. We’re going to try an experiment, so t’speak.
”
“
What we are going to ask Meg to do is simple. We are going to ask her to be completely honest. To tell us the truth…
”
A couple of people make ‘huh?’ faces at each other. I join in.
“
…When Meg awakens, we will ask her questions. And when she answers, she will only be able to answer the deepest, darkest truth, however far it may be buried into the subconscious.
”
“
How is that entertaining? This ain’t a shrink’s office!
”
shouts a young lad standing beside the fruit machine.
“
Well…
”
replies Brian pointedly.
“
That will depend on the questions you ask…
”
As what Brian is getting at dawns on the audience, they begin to laugh. My face burns up as I think about what kind of awful questions this audience, starved of entertainment thus far, will ask Meg. And what will she tell them? I try to catch Brian’s eye, but he studiously ignores me.
“
When I clap, Meg will awaken. Raise your hands to ask a question. Any question. And let us see if it works.
”
He touches Megs arm.
“
Meg, when I clap once you will awaken. When asked any question, you will tell the absolute truth. When I clap three times you will be free of trance and awaken with no recollection of having been hypnotised. You will be calm, refreshed and fully alert.
”
A rather odd fizzy feeling begins to rise up through my body. It’s that anticipation feeling again. I totally need to stop drinking.
Brian claps once and Meg’s eyes flutter open. She looks a little bewildered, but otherwise okay. I wait with baited breath.
She peers over to me and smiles serenely. Does she know what she’s let herself in for?
About fifteen hands shoot up.
This is silly. I should stop it at once. I stand up and -
“
Oi, Meg, how many sex toys do you have?
”
pipes up one of the drunken ladies from the next table before I can do anything
A huge laugh goes up throughout the room. To my utter dismay I find myself sitting back down into my chair, horribly curious to know the answer. Okay. I’ll just let her answer this one and then I’ll get Brian to stop.
I am a bad, bad person.
Meg smiles beatifically at the woman who asked the question before saying, ever so solemnly:
“
Ten or eleven sex toys.
”
I gasp, along with everyone else. Meg continues, unabashed.
“
My collection is impressive. I’ve got my vibrators, my whips, my love balls, my handcuffs. I have those in standard steel and pink fluffy…
”
The whole pub is still. No one knows what to say. Brian is frowning.
Oh. My. God. I have known Meg since we were children and I never knew
- shit -
did she just say rubber mask?
I stand up immediately and march over towards them. My face is hot with embarrassment for poor Meg. What the hell have I let her do?
I’m about to turn off the microphone when I hear a massive snort.
Meg?
She pauses for a second before doubling over in laughter.
What’s going on?
“
Meg? What’s going on?
”
I shake her shoulder. Why is she laughing?
“
Meg, are you okay?
”
She stands straight up and wipes away tears of mirth from her eyes.
Once she catches her breath she says,
“
You daft mare! You should have seen your face! Hahahaha. Oh, gosh, your face was a picture!
”
“
You…
you mean it didn’t work?
”
Brian takes another sip of bitter, seemingly unbothered by this turn of events.
“
Course it bloody didn’t!
”
Meg guffaws.
“
S-sorry Bri-hi-hian! Heehehe.
”
The crowd begin to boo, and I’m not sure if it’s directed at Meg and I or at poor Brian, who clearly is NOT amazing. I feel the giggles approach my mouth, and before I know it I’m howling with laughter too.
“
Come on
, Meg! L
et’s go,
”
I chuckle, feeling the atmosphere souring at the fact that people have paid good money for what essentially has been a bit of a wind up. And there I was, thinking that maybe, just maybe it might have been real. I’m such a chump!
I hand Meg her bag, and gather mine from underneath the table. What a weird day.
I see Brian begin to pack away, eager to get away from the braying crowd. Before we leave I catch his eye once again. He smiles at me. Properly smiles and then does a little wave. So odd. Still giggling, I wave back and escort a cackling Meg out of the pub.
I awaken the next morning with – apart from the slightly crusty eye snot - no major symptoms of hangover. Possibly, I am still pissed and the hangover will turn up later, smug and brutal. I’ll admit, I was a bit (see, lot) tiddly last night.
After the weirdly disastrous hypnotist show Meg and I decided, in the middle of our giggling fit, to go for a drink at StarRock, an indie nightclub in Manchester centre. I was already feeling a bit worse for wear so had only the three shots of tequila as opposed to the six that Meg downed. Olly’s insistence at non-alcoholic wine has, I fear, led to my status as an utter lightweight.
I spent the remainder of the night dancing conspicuously amongst scruffy, stoned students, and listening to Meg say
“
Your face was a picture. You actually thought I was some kind of secret sex paraphernalia collector!
”
again and again while doubled up at the thought.
It felt nice to be out in the world after dark. I felt young and fizzy, kind
of
like I d
id before I moved back in with M
um, actually
.
Olly was far from impressed when I poured myself into his bed, drunk, giggly and horny at about four this morning.
I had climbed under the warm, white, feather duvet and pressed myself up against Olly’s back, kissing his neck and telling him how really, really handsome and sensible and perfect he was. Grumpy at having his requisite eight hours interrupted (and maybe by the fact that I was trying to initiate sex without showering first) he told me to bugger off and returned to snoring.
I would have been offended, I think, had I not drunkenly passed out immediately after his snub.
Olly seems to have forgiven me, though, as fresh from the shower, he begins making the sexy moves on me.
I dash to the bathroom, bleary eyed for a quick rinse and tooth clean and then return to bed where Olly is waiting for me, naked and sporting an impressive erection.
“
Hop on!
”
he laughs, reaching out for me. And giggling like a teen (or a drunken person), I oblige.
About five minutes and fifteen seconds later Olly slumps back against the pillows, spent and happy. I join him for a cuddle, less satisfied, but, you know, happy to be close to him. He catches his breath and says, as usual,
“
How was that, then, baby?
”
I stroke my fingers up his arm, look up at him coquettishly and answer.
“
Well, you know. Short. Could have been longer. Longer time wise, I mean, not willy wise, though of course, that would be lovely too. I didn't have an orgasm, but what else is new, hey? You've left me unsatisfied, if truth be told, Olly.
”
While I’m speaking I watch Olly’s eyes widen in horror. And then, as if in slow motion, what I’ve just said replays in my mind and it hits me. My cheeks go all hot.
Oh God! Did I just say that?
Out loud?
Olly’s face is stony. The post coital flush has drained from his face and a small frown has gathered in between his eyebrows.
Why the hell would I say those things? They're not even true. Well... maybe they're a
teensy
bit true, but still. Why on earth would I say that to him?
I sit up at once and try to make amends.
“
Um…
Hahaha.
”
I attempt to laugh but it comes out sounding like a cruel cackle.
“
Only kidding! It was a joke!
”
“
A joke?
”
Olly nods, confused and still frowning.
“
Jay,
oh
,
kicking k
uh,
eh! You know me, ever the joker!
”