Authors: Wodke Hawkinson
“Sue, you look terrible,” he said.
“Your eyes and face are all red. Have you been crying this whole time?”
She nodded miserably.
“Oh, baby.” He tenderly gathered
her into his arms. “Aw, honey. I didn’t mean to scare you. I love you, Sue. You
know that. Come on, now. Put your arms around me. That’s right. Let me hold
you, honey.” He stroked her hair and rocked from side to side. “Everything’s
fine. Everything’s okay. Shhh.”
Sue’s tears slowed and finally
stopped. He was right. It had just been a game. He hadn’t meant it to be so
realistic. Everything was fine. Zeke had said so. Sue repeated his words in her
mind, like a mantra, hypnotically. She closed the door on the warning voice in
her head, the one telling her to get out.
Not now
, she told the little
voice,
not yet.
Zeke got up to use the bathroom,
but he left the door open. She started putting on her clothes. He flushed the
toilet and came back into the room.
“Why are you getting dressed?” He
looked at her oddly, searching for hidden intent.
“I’m cold,” she replied.
“Well, come here, I’ll keep you
warm,” he said, holding his arms open. He guided her back to the bed and
reached for a smoke. They lay side by side under a weighty silence. Zeke blew a
stream of smoke toward the ceiling, his eyes narrowed in thought. “We have to
find a girl,” Zeke said finally. “I need to see you with another woman.”
“What? You want to be with someone
else?” Sue recoiled at the notion, felt a stab of intense jealousy followed
immediately by a wave of fear for the girl. “I don’t like the idea.”
“You don’t listen very well, do
you? Maybe you need to clean out your ears. It’s not for me; it’s for you. I
want to watch you having sex with
another
woman. And you know you like the idea. You do, honey,” Zeke said calmly.
“You’re just as twisted as I am, Sue. Deep down inside you, you know you’ll
like it. In fact, I guarantee you’ll enjoy it. You need this experience so you
can figure out once and for all whether or not you like girls or boys. It’s
something you need to learn about yourself. And the only way to find out is to
try it.”
“What about you? Would you do her
too?” Sue’s voice was small.
“That’s something else we need to
talk about,” Zeke said languidly. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to bring
it up.”
Sue’s entire being flooded with
jealousy. She dreaded what he would say next. He must be tired of her if he was
already thinking of loving someone else. He would dump her now and she would
have no one. She didn’t think she could bear it if he left her. At the same
time, she felt a hint of relief. If Zeke liked the other girl better, she would
be free to leave.
Zeke reached over and stroked her
breasts absentmindedly, breaking into her thoughts. “Susie, you know I have a
large sexuality. I have needs so big I sometimes get carried away by the
intensity. I’ve always been this way, but lately it’s gotten worse. Since I met
you, in fact.” He spoke calmly, which seemed even worse than if he had been
raging. “That’s why we need to find someone else. It’ll be good for both of us.
If I do get carried away, she’ll be there to absorb the, uh, excess. She’ll be
the one that gets hurt, not you. You’ll get your satisfaction and I’ll get
mine.”
Sue said nothing, chills running
over her scalp like many-legged insects.
He continued, “I need you to go
along with this. If you can’t do that, tell me right now and I’ll get out of
your life. I’ll drop you wherever you choose and you can start a new life
without me. You can’t go home now, of course. Not after what we did at Doris’s
house. But, you can start over somewhere and maybe you’ll be fine on your own.
Just tell me what you want to do.”
Sue, conflicted, considered her
options. Did she really want out? She didn’t know. “Are you saying that you
plan to hurt someone?” she finally asked nervously.
“No, don’t be stupid.” His voice
turned hard. “I don’t
plan
to hurt anyone. What do you think I am, some
kind of monster? I’m just saying I have strong needs. My needs are growing
right now; I’m on the edge of exploding, like a bomb. And you’re too
delicate
to handle it.”
“I’m not delicate,” she said,
offended and more than a little wary. Zeke emanated danger like a furnace
radiated heat.
“Remember how much fun it was with
Ernie,” he reminded her. “We can have even more fun than that if you keep an
open mind. There’s no reason in the world we can’t find other lovers to enjoy.
We’re rebels, Sue, you and me. Adventurers. We’re like a unit, like one when
together, and if we choose to take a lover for ourselves, it’s our right.”
“I’m not delicate,” Sue repeated, growing
slightly angry.
He laughed. “I’m sorry about that
comment, honey. Just forget I said it.”
She stewed, had trouble sorting her
thoughts.
“Another thing, Sue,” he said
nonchalantly. “I’ll be handling all the cash from now on. At first, I thought
it would be fine for you to keep it, but now I can see that you don’t manage
money very well. Look at how much you spent on clothes in Candy’s boutique. I
was shocked when I saw the total. And my god, the tip you wanted to leave that
waitress. She could probably have fed her family for a week on that money. Your
heart’s in the right place, Sue, but you just don’t think.”
Sue wanted to defend herself,
scream at him that the shopping was not her idea. And the tip had been a measly
three dollars. However, good sense prevailed and she chose instead to say
nothing. He got up from the bed, opened her handbag, and grabbed the cash from
the top. He held up a twenty.
“See this?” he asked her. “I’m
putting this back. It’s your allowance, so make it last. Okay?”
She nodded from the bed, weak with
relief that he hadn’t found the money she’d taken from Doris. Turning her head
into the pillow, she pulled the covers over her shoulder and curled up in a
fetal position.
“Come on now, Sue,” he chided.
“Don’t be that way. You have a way of blowing every little thing way out of
proportion. Stop dwelling on shit
. Haven’t I
been looking after you? Don’t you trust me to take care of you?”
“Yes,” she mumbled from under the
blankets.
“Okay then,” he said brightly. “It’s
still early. Let’s go downtown and look around, see what we can find. Get up
and get dressed. And put on some makeup, your face is all splotchy. It’s
embarrassing.”
In the shower, Sue leaned against
the wall and wept until the worst of her angst had been vented. She’d never
felt more divided in her life. She moved through her grooming routine with a
profound sense of detachment.
When she emerged from the bathroom,
Zeke whistled in appreciation. He folded her in his arms and breathed deeply of
her clean scent. “You’re so beautiful, bunny,” he whispered into her hair. “I’m
one lucky man.”
Gently, he guided her to the bed
and sat with her. She was stiff next to him. He turned her face to his.
“Susie.” His voice was velvet
against her ears. “I’ve been thinking. I’ve been too harsh on you, honey. It’s
the way I was raised. Nothing against you personally. I hope you can forgive
me.”
Sue didn’t trust her voice, so she
merely nodded.
“I’ve been thinking about the
future,” he continued. “And I could easily get pulled into your vision. If I
really let my guard down, I can even see us as man and wife, living the dream.
You make me believe it could happen. A little house. A normal life. Working
together to make our wishes come true, just you and me.”
“Really?” Sue felt her spirits
lift.
“Really,” he said firmly. “We could
make it work, Susie. In fact, I think we should start planning our wedding. For
sometime in the future, I mean. We’re not ready just yet. But, there’s no
reason we can’t at least start thinking about the kind of wedding we want,
where to have it, the kind of dress you’ll wear. The flowers. You know, all
that.”
Inside Sue, hope bloomed. She knew
what Zeke was saying, the promise he was holding out to her. She relaxed
against him. “I love you, Zeke,” she said.
“I love you, too, Susie.” He kissed
the top of her head. “We’ll talk about all of this later. Right now, let’s hit
the road. The night isn’t getting any younger, right?”
“Right.” She smiled softly, torn by
a kind of tormented relief.
He held her coat for her as they
prepared to leave. At the door, he gathered her into his arms for another
embrace. “When we’re all done sowing our wild oats, we’ll be the most boring
married couple on the block. And the happiest.”
He escorted her out into the night
in search of a playmate.
“I guess they roll up the sidewalks
when the sun goes down,” Zeke joked. “Not much going on.”
He and Sue drove aimlessly around.
Few cars were on the streets, and fewer people on the sidewalks. The combination
of unfriendly weather and the small town habit of turning in early had given
the place a deserted and lonely feel. Zeke peered over the steering wheel, his
expression fleetingly sweet and endearing.
They slowly passed the police
department. In spite of his loving words earlier, Sue considered jumping out at
this point. His mercurial moods were disturbing and his logic hard to follow.
He made her jealous, wary, offended, sick with longing, and hopelessly happy
all in the space of hours. But, she quickly dismissed the idea of leaving. For
her, the ride wasn’t over yet. And the promise of marriage and domestic bliss
beckoned, if she could just soldier through the interim.
“Ah, there we go,” Zeke said when
he spotted the bowling alley. He turned into the crowded parking lot and pulled
into a space near the end of a row of cars. “Well, we found out what folks
around here do for entertainment. Come on, Sue.”
She followed behind him, moving
carefully on the slick pavement, a cold wind creeping up her skirt like an
unwelcome hand. He opened and held the door for her. Zeke, the perfect
gentleman. Warmth and noise washed over her as they entered. She looked forward
to being in a crowd for a change.
“Don’t forget, Susie, you’re a
wanted criminal,” he warned. “Don’t do anything to draw attention to yourself.”
She wilted a little. She had indeed
forgotten her criminal status for a moment.
The place overflowed with
middle-aged folks, milling around the lanes, bowling, chatting, all fairly
intent on the pin action. But it also featured a concession stand and a
separate room for video games. Zeke pulled Sue toward the game room. Inside,
they found a younger set of customers. Various games filled the room with
electronic noise, and the sound of balls banging together on the pool table
added to the din. As they stood just inside the door, a young woman approached
them. She wore a short black leather skirt, wristbands, and knee-high boots.
Her hair was dark as night, like Zeke’s.
“I like your hair,” she said to
Sue. “That’s a great look. Very happening.”
“Thanks,” Sue said quietly, trying
not to encourage the girl. She was still wrestling with a confusing mix of
feelings, not the least of which was jealousy. She wished she could pretend she
didn’t know why Zeke had brought her here, but since he’d explained the whole
thing, that was impossible.
“Hey, can I bum a cigarette?” the
girl asked.
“Sure.” Zeke stepped between the
two girls. He pulled out his pack and slipped her a smoke, which she tucked behind
her ear. He gave her a charming smile. “What do you guys do for fun around
here?”
“Other than the bar on the edge of
town, you’re looking at it,” the girl answered. “This place bores me to death.”
She smacked her gum and gazed around the room, her face a study in
indifference.
“Yeah? Well, we’re just passing
through,” Zeke said. “We’re photojournalists from New York. And I think we’re
just as bored as you are right now.”
The magic of his smile worked on
the girl; Sue could tell. She knew firsthand the power of his charm.
“The state or the city?”
“The city.”
“Wow.” The girl’s eyes lit up.
“Hey, do you want to go back to our
motel room and hang out?” Zeke asked. “We could watch movies, order some pizza.
We could actually use your advice. We’re looking for really compelling scenic
shots for our layout. So maybe you could give us some ideas of places around
here that would make for great pictures. Maybe old abandoned buildings, stuff
like that. We’re determined to win the Big Apple Photo Contest this year. Plus
we’ve got to come up with something for our editor by the end of the week.”
Sue stared at Zeke in amazement,
impressed and disturbed by the ease with which he could lie. But the girl
didn’t notice Sue’s expression, and she bubbled over with enthusiasm.
“That sounds awesome,” she replied.
“Let me grab my coat.” She walked to a small table tucked in the corner next to
a driving game.
“What are you doing, Zeke?” Sue
turned to him, trying to keep her voice low and yet audible over the
cacophonous noise that surrounded them.
“Don’t ruin things, Sue,” he
pleaded. He nuzzled her throat and sucked lightly on her earlobe. “We talked
about this. Now just be a good girl and follow my lead.”
The girl approached, coat slung
over her shoulders. “Ready,” she said, slipping her arms into the sleeves.
“Great! Let’s go.” Zeke took Sue’s
arm and the three of them walked out into the night. Again, Sue thought of
fleeing. She wouldn’t get far, but maybe the girl would run back inside and
call the police if she saw Zeke dragging Sue back to the van. She looked
nervously around the parking lot. The cold had turned it to a sheet of ice and
she knew she would likely slip and fall if she tried to escape, probably break
a leg. Before she could fully form the will to try, they were beside their
vehicle.