Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology (9 page)

So time passes, and now Osiris is the king of the gods

he thinks he’s hot shit, with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse.

But meanwhile there’s this dick Set.

That is his name

Set.

I’m not talking about some kind of dick set

such as you might purchase for an adult tea party.

I am talking about the Egyptian god of the desert

and also storms, darkness, and chaos.

Basically if you are not having a good time

Set is right there, flipping you off with both hands

while jacking off

with his third hand?

Or maybe with a hand he stole

FROM A BABY.

What I mean is, Set’s a dick.

The reason I mention Set

is that he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods

so he has this great plan

which is he makes this coffin out of wood

which is like tailor-made for Osiris basically

and then he calls up all the gods like “HEY, GUYS YOU SHOULD COME OVER

I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY.”

And all the gods are like “Oh shit, weird coffin party.

We’ll be right over.”

So they all get there and Set is like “All right I made this coffin.

Whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy.”

And of course, all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea

so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin

and they all fail

but then it’s Osiris’s turn

and Osiris is like “I dunno, guys this seems like a transparent ruse.”

but then he gets in the coffin anyway

and it slams shut and locks

and Set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river

and everyone is like “Whoa, major coffin-party foul.”

and Set is like “So I get to be king now, right?”

AND HE DOES.

So naturally Osiris’s wife Isis decides to go find him

so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned

and she finds out that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos

(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)

and gotten absorbed by an oak tree

which got cut down

and used to build a support pillar

in a palace

for the king of Byblos.

Shiiiit.

So Isis shows up in Byblos like “Hey queen

my husband is embedded in your palace

may I please extract him?”

And the queen is like “Sure, go ahead.

It’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything, right?”

and Isis is like “Haha, sucker.”

And she goes and removes the pillar

WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL

thus inventing Jenga.

Except instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace

Isis takes out Osiris’s body and drags it back to Egypt

and buries it in the desert

so he can finally rest in peace

apparently forgetting that Set is the GOD OF THE DESERT.

So Set very quickly sniffs out Osiris’s grave

and is like “Hmm I haven’t fucked with this guy enough.

How about I tear him into fourteen pieces

and then EAT HIS DICK.”

So that is what he does

and he chucks the other thirteen pieces all the fuck everywhere

and then Isis is like “What is that noise?

It better not be my husband getting ripped up and thrown everywhere.”

BUT IT IS TOO LATE

IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED

and Isis finds out and she is like “Seriously? I just buried this guy.

Now I gotta go find all these body parts and bury them AGAIN

even though Set will prolly just find them again and rip them into SMALLER pieces.”

Anyway, she manages to find all the pieces

(which have turned into full moons by the way)

except for his dick

because like I said

SET ATE IT

so Isis is like “Maaaan

Osiris’s dick was like the most important part of his personality”

so what she does

is she makes a GOLD COCK

and she hangs it around her neck

and BAM

Osiris is alive again

with a golden dong

thus laying the groundwork for Mike Myers’s cinematic triumph,
Goldmember

and also getting Isis pregnant with Horus

because I guess that dick necklace was more potent than she bargained for.

So ladies

I guess the moral of the story is

don’t wear a cock around your neck

because unplanned pregnancy is the WORST accessory.

So Osiris is back in action and his dick is more blinged out than ever

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL

because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected

ISIS GIVES BIRTH TO THIS DUDE NAMED HORUS.

Actually, that is not the bad part

because Horus is a pretty cool dude, honestly.

No, see, the bad part

is that seeing as Set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK

just to prevent him from getting a proper burial

all signs point toward he is going to murder the CRAP out of this baby

especially since Horus is totally fated to murder Set if he ever gets old enough.

So Isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder

but then one day, Set is like “HEY, ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL.”

and Isis is like “SPINNING MILL, HOORAY.”

And then Set is like “Oh, did I say spinning mill?

I meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER

I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION

JUST KIDDING, TOTALLY NOT SORRY.”

So Isis is understandably upset about this

and so is this super-wise dude named Thoth

so he comes down and is like “Hey, Isis how would you like to escape this prison?”

And Isis is like “I would like that a lot.”

so Thoth is like “Boom. You got it.

Here, have some scorpions.”

And Isis is like “WHAT, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME SCORPIONS?”

And Thoth is like “Chill out. These scorpions will guide you to safety.

I’m the god of wisdom, okay? I’ve got this handled.”

so Isis takes Horus, and they follow these seven scorpions for like a WEEK.

No one has any ideas where they are going

probably because the guides in this scenario are SCORPIONS.

SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES, MY FRIENDS.

THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE CRAP OUT YOU

BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION.

But after a lot of bullshit, Isis and the scorpions and Horus finally arrive in some town

and Isis goes and knocks on the door of some rich chick’s house

and the rich chick is like “Oh, why hello there HOLY SHIT SCORPIONS.

NO NO NO NO NO.”

But so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door

than this poor chick is like “Hey there.

I see you have some scorpions.

I’m so poor that I have even pawned my fear of death.

Come crash at my hovel.”

But then PLOT TWIST

the scorpions all throw a fit about not being invited into the other house

so they go inside and sting the crap out of the rich chick’s baby

and she hears the baby crying and she is like “What’s that noise?

I hope it’s not the sound of my baby getting stung by SCORPIONS.

OH SHIT SCORPIONS.”

And Isis hears all this commotion

and she is like “SCORPIONS YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES.

NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS.”

So she runs up to where the baby is busy dying

and she is like “Hey, poison, get out of that baby.”

And the poison is like “Maaaan . . . fine.”

and then Isis leaves, like “ANOTHER DAY SAVED

THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS.”

And then she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out

and she hides Horus in the mud, like “Okay, son

I am going to bury you in marsh filth now

among poisonous animals some of which I KNOW to be irritable scorpions

so just try not to move around too much. I’m gonna go get burgers.”

So Isis comes back later

and she is like “Hey, Horus would you like some burgers?

Hmm . . . you don’t seem to be moving at all or breathing or anything.

Oh noooo.

Set, did you turn into a snake and poison my baby?”

And Set is like “Yup.”

And Isis proceeds to scream the most heavy metal scream possible

it is so metal that it STOPS THE SUN

or more accurately, THE SUNBOAT.

And Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff

and it stops all of a sudden

with one of those record scratch noises you hear in bad teen movies

and everyone is like “Whaaaat?

Thoth, go find out what Isis is angry about.”

so Thoth goes down there like “Woman, I hooked you up with scorpions and everything. What now?”

and Isis is like “Look, I know you are itching to get your bone on in the backseat of the sunboat

but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick?”

and Thoth is like “Oh yeah, no problem. Done.

By the way, how were those scorpions? Pretty sweet, right?”

and Isis is like “They were a pack of angry scorpions

that you gave to a single mother with a child.”

Anyway Horus is alive now

but he and Isis still have to hide out in the marshes 

while his balls gather sufficient mass to allow him to murder Set.

So basically the moral of the story

is that scorpions are only good for one thing

and that one thing is rad tattoos.

So Horus grows up

and Isis is like “Hey, son, remember that asshole Set? The one who you are destined to ruin?”

and Horus is like “I mean you never stop talking about him

and also he turned into a snake and poisoned me to death when I was a baby.

That tends to make people pretty memorable when they do stuff like that.”

and Isis is like “Well, why haven’t you killed him yet?”

and Horus is like “JEEZ, MOM, FINE GET OFF MY BACK.

HEY, SET, I’M ’BOUT TO KILL YOU GET READY.”

So Set shows up like “OH NO, YOU DIDN’T.”

And Horus is like “HOLD STILL FOR A SECOND. LET ME STAB YOUR FACE.”

And Isis is like “OH SHIT, STOP. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT SET IS MY

BROTHER.”

and Horus tries to break her legs

but then she stabs him

and Set gets away

and Horus is like “Wow, Mom.

Seriously?”

But Isis heals him later so it’s fine.

Wait, what am I talking about

shit is so un-fine you could coat sandpaper with it and then use it to shave off a goat’s face.

Because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how to screw over Horus

and finally he’s like “I KNOW

I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem.

HEY, HORUS, WANNA HAVE SEX?

And Horus is like “Well, normally I would say no

but today I am an idiot, so okay.”

and they have a bunch of sweaty sex

but then right at the crucial moment

Horus uses his lightning reflexes to parry Set’s manbatter

because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt.

So then he’s got a handful of manana cream pie

and he’s like “Eww, what am I going to do with this?

I KNOW, I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER.”

and thus invents hand washing and pollution SIMULTANEOUSLY

so now HORUS is thinking about how to fuck over SET

and he’s like “Hmm . . .

Apparently the name of the game

is ‘get your semen inside of the other guy’s body.’

I don’t make the rules

I just make the jizz.

Let’s make this happen.”

So he sneaks into Set’s house and jerks off in his salad

and then Set eats the salad and Horus is like “HAHA YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE.”

Is it just me, or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue?

Anyway, Set is like “BULLSHIT.

LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE GODS

AND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY

IN HOPES OF DETERMINING SUPERIORITY.”

So they call together the other gods

and Set is like “Guys

I totally jizzed in Horus’s butt.

That means I’m better than him, right?

and Horus is like “You didn’t jizz in my butt. What are you talking about?

Go ahead and call for your sperm.

See where they’re at.”

Yeah, apparently these dudes keep in touch with all their sperm.

Talk about being a devoted father.

Anyway, Set is like “FINE.

OHHH SPERRMMMM. WHERE AAARE YOUUUU?”

And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN THE RIVER.”

and Set is like “Dammit, Horus

Did you block my cock?”

and Horus is like “That is in fact exactly what I did.

Now hold on lemme find out where my sperm is at real quick.”

And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN SET’S STOMACH.”

And Set is like “NOOOO.”

And everyone else is like “Wow.

This is astonishingly stupid

how about we settle this pissing contest with a
reasonable
competition

like a boat race

except the boats are made of stone.

THAT’S PERFECT THAT’S NOT STUPID AT ALL.”

So Set and Horus get their boats ready

but Horus has a secret

which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD

it’s just painted to look like stone

which raises a couple of questions:

First of all

why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone?

And second of all

since they didn’t

WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?

DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?

I mean, maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake

in which case I understand

either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST

but we’re talking about the god of storms, chaos, and evil

who has been known to do things like eat the balls of his enemies

and then try to kill their babies

and then when their babies grow up

try to have buttsex with the very same babies

so I feel like honesty is not top of his priority list.

But anyway they have the race and Set’s boat sinks

and Horus wins

and as a result he gets to be king of Egypt

and Set has to be his bitch forever.

So the moral of the story

is next time you are jockeying for a sweet promotion

consider jizzing in your coworkers’ food

but make sure to also brush up on your boat-racing just in case.