Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology (13 page)

So we’ve established that Shiva’s a badass

but it turns out that his main job

is to make sure his wife Kali

who is the goddess of having a thousand furious arms covered in knives and murder

doesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she drinks and destroy the world

like this one time

where he lies in front of her on the battlefield

or this other time

when he turns into a baby

like “WAH WAH, TITS PLEASE”

and Kali is overcome by MOTHERING INSTINCTS.

But there is one particular instance of Shiva handling Kali’s shit

that is particularly fantastic:

Okay, so this story begins like all stories about Kali:

Kali just killed a bunch of dudes.

Probably they were demons

but really, who knows?

Anyway, to celebrate

Kali takes up residence in a nearby forest with a bunch of her asshole friends

and starts terrorizing the countryside

stabbing the villagers

then stabbing their stab wounds

then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds

on and on, till the break of dawn

and then after the break of dawn too.

So finally one of the villagers

who is sick of getting stabbed every day

and is also a follower of Shiva

comes running up to Shiva like “HEY, SHIVA

CAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US?

WE REALLY NEED THIS SHIT HANDLED.”

and Shiva is like “Dude, can’t you see I am busy ripping tigers in half or something?”

And the dude is like “KALI IS STABBING EVERYONE.

SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN, WHO KNOWS?”

And Shiva is like “Okay, my schedule just cleared up.”

So Shiva shows up in the forest

and Kali is like “HEY, DICKFACE.”

And Shiva is like “Hey, Kali.

We’ve talked about this.

You need to stop stabbing all the time.

This right here?

This is what is known as
too much stabbing.
”

And Kali is like “NEVER STOP STABBING.”

And Shiva is like “That is in fact the opposite of what I said.

All right, this is going nowhere.

How about this:

We have a dance contest

and when I utterly hand you your shit in the contest

you agree to stop stabbing for a while?”

And Kali is like “OH BITCH YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED.”

So they drag out the boom box

spread out the cardboard

dust off their dopest moves

AND PROCEED TO BUST THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE TEAR-AWAY PANTS.

These moves they are busting?

Guys:

They are ludicrous moves.

Like, remember the dance contest in
Pulp Fiction
?

This was nothing like that.

John Travolta is terrible at doing the twist.

This is way better.

But finally, Shiva busts out the ULTIMATE MOVE:

THE TANDAVA DANCE

which is just basically a super-energetic dance

and I guess Kali is so tired from stabbing

that she cannot match his dance moves

and so she reluctantly agrees to stop murdering for a couple days and go home.

AND THUS BOLLYWOOD WAS BORN.

So the moral of the story

is that we could end all wars forever

if we just weaponized THE POWER OF DANCE.

So Shiva is married to Kali, right?

WRONG.

Well yes, Shiva is married to Kali

but as it turns out

Shiva is ALSO married to this other chick Parvati

who is a gentle goddess of life and stuff.

BUT

as it turns out

Parvati and Kali

ARE THE SAME PERSON

WHOA, SNAP, PLOT TWIST.

Yeah, apparently she can transform between sweet loving life goddess

and unspeakable hurricane of death

for ANY REASON

at ANY TIME.

This is what is known as an exciting marriage.

Anyway, in this story Parvati is busy being Parvati

which is good news for everybody

except for Shiva

because now all the time Kali would have spent murdering and busting sweet dance moves

Parvati spends thinking about having babies

and Shiva is not ready to be a father.

I mean he kind of created the entire universe

but he does NOT want to be tied down, okay?

So Parvati gets sick of bugging him to have a baby with her

and she’s like “Wait a second . . .

I’m a goddess . . .

Having babies in unconventional ways is what we DO.”

So she just goes ahead and makes a baby all by herself

and she names him Ganesh

and then goes to take a shower and tells Ganesh to guard the door

because apparently her sole motivation behind having kids

is to make sure no one sees any naked boobs while she is washing up.

IT WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BEEN SIMPLER TO JUST LOCK THE DOOR, PARVATI.

CHILDREN ARE A SERIOUS RESPONSIBILITY.

And of course this is the exact moment that Shiva decides to come along

and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that neither of these people should have kids

because he sees the shower house where his wife is showering

and he’s like “Oh man

what a perfect opportunity for steamy shower sex!”

So he just marches on over there

except instead of getting inside

he gets some impudent baby blocking his path

and Shiva is like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

And Ganesh is like “No, dude. I’m a baby.”

And Shiva is like “WELL THEN

YOU CAN CALL ME

THE GUY WHO JUST CHOPPED OFF YOUR HEAD JUST NOW.

ZING.”

And OF COURSE

this is the moment that Parvati chooses to finish her shower

and she comes sauntering out of the shower house

and sees her husband standing over her dead baby

and she’s like “SHIVAAAA

YOU BRING MY BABY BACK TO LIFE OR ELSE.”

And Shiva is like “Or else what?”

And Parvati’s like “Or else I’m gonna turn into Kali

and you’re gonna have to chase me down and dance me into submission again.”

And Shiva is like “Hmm. Good point.”

So Shiva sends out some of his dudes

to go grab the first head they find

and bring it back to him

and I guess he has pretty dumb servants

because they come back with the head of an ELEPHANT

and Shiva is like “Guys

I feel like it would have been easier to just decapitate a baby

rather than a full-grown elephant

and also you should have figured out from context clues what I meant.

But whatever, I guess I’ll make it work.”

So he just glues this elephant head onto the dead baby

and that somehow causes it to come back to life

and that is why Ganesh has an elephant head now

and also why he is the god of wisdom

which is bad news for Shiva

because an elephant

NEVER FORGETS.

So the moral of the story

is that you shouldn’t worry if you accidentally kill your baby

just kill another baby and glue pieces of it to the first baby until it comes back to life.

Works every time

or at least

this one time.

ARE YOU READY FOR DISTENDED RACCOON TESTICLES?

NO?

WELL, YOU BETTER GET READY QUICK

BECAUSE JAPAN JUST CALLED

AND IT’S ’BOUT TO DELIVER ONE WHOPPER OF A BALLSACK TO THE BRAINPAN.

I think you may find it comforting to know

that Japan was no less strange two thousand years ago than it is today

they did not have the technology to build flying boobs and hand-job robots

but weird shit has always been Japan’s prime natural resource

as the thousand-plus deities in the Shinto pantheon can proudly attest

so have a seat

get comfortable

but I cannot assure you

that what you are sitting on

is not a raccoon’s nuts.

So where do we begin?

Oh, I know

HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING?

DURRRR.

Okay, so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in Japan.

In fact, there are so many generations

that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH.

What the hell were those other generations of gods doing?

Just havin’ orgies not messing with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?

That . . . sounds pretty ideal, actually.

Anyway, after seven generations we finally get our two main characters:

Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)

and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)

(that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything.

It’s not like the entirety of creation is a fancy dinner party.

Just thought it would be a nice detail to include.)

Izanagi and Izanami are probably siblings based on how similar their names are.

(See also: Tweedledee and Tweedledum)

And seeing as this is mythology

their first act is to be like “HEY:

I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE!”

But since all the gods have just been chilling out having nothing but orgies for millennia

no one even knows how marriage WORKS

so Izanagi and Izanami have to make it up from scratch

and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense:

Izanagi’s like “All right

what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEALLY EXCITED

and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED

and then we’ll be married!”

And Izanami is like “Sounds great!

I mean, normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to

but I guess I will make an exception in this case

because, bro

I am dying to get my bone on with you, bro.”

So they do their crazy marriage thing

and then immediately get down to business

and then suddenly Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby.

BIG SURPRISE, ASSHOLES.

Y’ALL ARE SIBLINGS.

Actually, I want to go ahead and applaud the Japanese

for having the first mythos that accurately portrays the outcome of incest.

Oh wait

I spoke too soon.

Turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE WEDDING.

WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK, GUYS.

IT’S UNLADYLIKE, AND THEY WILL BE PUNISHED WITH LEECHES.

So they take a mulligan on the marriage

and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut

and then they get bizzay

and give birth to

THE ISLAND OF JAPAN.

OW.

Not only is that not a living thing

thus making it even more mutant status than the leechbaby

but just imagine trying to push Japan out your ladyhole.

Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story.

Oh, I forgot to say

they bone so hard in the water that they create bubbles

and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on Earth

which is good

because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE

but even so

Japan is not the last-level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch.

Enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI

GOD OF FIRE.

OWWWW.

This is disgusting, guys.

I am disgusted.

Oh, and that’s finally what kills Izanami

so now she’s dead

but it’s okay

(kind of)

because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods fly out of her corpse

like the god of earth and stuff

and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS

and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces

and guess what the pieces turn into

DING DING DING

MORE GODS.

Is there anything anyone can do in ancient Japan that does not result in more gods?

Answer: no.

So then Izanami calms down a little bit

(he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast)

and he decides to go down to Yomi

which is Japanese hell

and try and get her back.

So he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like “’Sup, gurl

wanna come be alive with me again or something?”

And Izanami is like “Aw shit, bro

I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave.

Here, let me introduce you to my friend Persephone.

I understand she has had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.”

So Izanagi is pretty disappointed

but he decides to chill out in Yomi for a while anyway

except here’s the problem

at some point he lights a torch

and he sees his wife

and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS

and he’s like “AW HELL NO, GIRL

I was gonna ask about conjugal visits in hell

but I think I need to change my mind

BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR.”

And Izanami is like “Come back, bro, don’t be a pussy.”

And Izanagi is like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.”

And Izanami is like “Fine, dick.

How about I kill a thousand people a day for the rest of eternity?”

And Izanagi is like “Okay, you do that.

I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day.

Suck it, uggo.

Or actually, don’t suck it.

I don’t want to come down with a case of maggot dong.”

So I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while

where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills

and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes

and they keep doing that basically forever, as far as I can tell

and that’s where overpopulation comes from!

So the moral of the story

is that access to safe and effective birth control should be a human right

because no woman

should ever have to give birth

to Japan.