2 Unhitched (11 page)

And then I’ll stick it to Gallant! I try to imagine the look on his face. I can’t. Instead, my heart drops to my stomach. As much as I’ve relished gathering evidence about his affair, the truth is, I dread confronting him with it. I’m afraid of his reaction. He could deny it, laugh in my face, or even ask for me a divorce on the spot. The bitter reality of two words—The End—makes me feel sicker than I already am. I’m just so not prepared to lose the man who once loved me.
Admit it, Jane
.
The man I still…

A blinding flash of light stops me in my thoughts. I shield my eyes with both hands. As quickly it flashed, it’s gone. An unsettling thought zaps my mind. What if I’m being followed by that evil fire-breathing dragon-fairy, Malevolence? For the rest of the trip home, I’m on edge, wishing Gothel the Dragonslayer were around. Trust me, I don’t want to be roasted by a fire-breathing dragon and end up as dinner. Wouldn’t that be convenient? I’ll be dragon dung while Gallant and Aurora live happily ever.

The frightful scenario gives way to one of my brainstorms. I know. I’ll track down Malevolence and make a deal that she can’t refuse. I’ll dig into Gallant’s trust fund and buy her a castle of her own if she devours Aurora with her fiery breath.

I play out the fantasy in my head. It’s all so perfect. Malevolence goes for it right away. Hey, she always wanted Aurora dead, and now I’ve made it worth her while.
Snap, crackle, and
pop.
The sound of the slut becoming toasty breakfast cereal is music in my ears. But when I get to the part where Malevolence is about to blast Aurora with her fiery breath, everything goes south. A handsome prince shows up on his white stallion and carries off the damn princess just in the nick of time. Dragonballs! It’s Gallant. My evil plan has just crashed and burned. It’ll never work.

I silently curse the past. If only Gallant hadn’t saved her from being toast the first time.

Chapter 8

I
GET BACK TO LALALAND IN the early evening only to remember that I have my weekly EPA meeting. It’s held every Thursday night at 7:00 p.m. in a covert cave that’s located somewhere below The Trove.

Our mantra—“Just say NO to evil!”—has really paid off. Over the course of attending these meeting for the past two years, most of us have had fewer and fewer evil tendencies. Or at least, less evil ones. Even my confession last week that I’d like to see birds poop all over Cinderella wasn’t that evil. I’d say it was more on the mean side.

But this week, I’ve regressed. Terribly! That Sleeping-with-My Husband hussy has rattled me. The insane, flesh-eating jealousy that’s plagued me most of my adult life has come back with a vengeance. I’ve been consumed with evil thoughts. I’ve wanted to turn Shrink into pixie juice for not being supportive. I’ve wanted to punch out Winnie for challenging every piece of evidence I have. I’ve wanted to wipe out Gallant’s inheritance. And I’ve wanted to kill Aurora! To be dead honest, I don’t think I can say “no” to evil much longer.

Ten minutes late, I stealthily slip into the cavernous, candle-lit room, careful not to bring attention to myself. Gothel notices me immediately; her eyes send me daggers. Seated next to Hook, she leans in close to him and seductively drapes her long legs over his lap so that her boots are resting on the empty chair to the right of him. Okay. I get it, Dragon Lady. There are plenty of other chairs. I settle into one in the back row. The group is already in progress.

As usual, my father, The Huntsman, Lalaland’s go-to person for law and order, is at the podium, presiding over the session. “Who would like to share next?” he asks.

Hook untangles himself from Gothel’s long legs and stands up. “I would.” He swaggers up to the podium where he hangs his head low. “I stopped by Puss ’n Boots and ordered myself a bottle of rum.”

He pauses. Gothel’s violet eyes morph into swords.

“I smashed the bottle.”

Applause and cheers. Except from eye-stabbing Gothel.

“Thank you, Hook, for sharing,” says my father.

Hook returns to his seat. Gothel elbows him hard. He winces.

“Who else would like to share?” asks my father.

Not me.
Winnie, seated in the second row, surveys the room. Her eyes land on me. I give her an icy stare. Read my face. It says: “I’m not talking to you.”

Winnie returns the stare. The temperature in the room has suddenly dropped ten degrees.

“Anyone?” asks The Huntsman again.

Elz and Rump, seated next to Winnie, stand up together. They’re holding hands.

“We have something we want to share,” says Elz, her singsong voice quivering.

What possible evil inclinations could they have? They’re the sweetest couple in the world. There’s not an evil bone left in their bodies.

Still holding hands, this odd couple, she, a six-foot pillar, and he, a four-foot troll, heads up to the podium.

A former stutterer, Rump hammers out the words as fast as he can, never taking his eyes off a beaming Elz. “We’re having a baby!”

A baby? They’re having a baby??
But I thought Elz and Rump didn’t want to have children. That they wanted to focus on their careers. And that Rump especially didn’t want to have children, given the guilt he’s had to deal with for having once tried to extort a baby—a forgiving queen’s first-born child.

“Way to go, Matey!” shouts Hook, leaping to his feet. “Yo, Ho, Ho, let’s hear it for them!”

The entire group joins Hook in a standing ovation, breaking into cheers and applause. Except me.

I’m in a state of shock. I’m numb when I should be happy—in fact, thrilled—for my dear friend.
Elz and Rump are having a baby.
They didn’t even try. No magic potions. Birthing stones. Candles or chants. It just happened. I re-register the news.
Elz and Rump are having a baby
. I feel nothing. Except jealousy. Insane jealousy that’s eating me up alive.

My father adjourns the meeting. Everyone swarms Elz and Rump to congratulate them. Except me who’s frozen in my chair. As Winnie hugs Elz, she shoots me a scathing look. I guess I’d better congratulate them too. I slump over to the joyous couple.

“That’s great, Elz,” I say glumly. I can’t even fake a smile.

Elz gives me a big kiss. “Thanks, Jane. I hope it happens for you and Gallant soon.”

Her words sting me like salt in a wound. I fight back tears. How could she say that to me when she knows what’s been going on? I inhale deeply, and on the exhale, I tell myself that she didn’t mean what she said. She just wasn’t thinking. That’s all.

“Jane, can’t you be one ounce happy for her?” I turn around, and there’s Winnie in my face.

“It’s just like you to be totally wrapped up with yourself. And to think that your problems take precedence over anything else in this world.” Her hazel eyes flare. “You know what… I think I liked The Evil Queen better than The Drama Queen.”

Her words lance through me. She storms off before I can say a word.

I feel like crap. This whole day has been this way. One slap in the face after another. A fat tear rolls down my cheek. I just want to go home and hide under the covers. A strong arm wraps around my shoulders, and I pivot on my heel. A tall, burly bearded man with twinkly green eyes that are exactly like mine faces me. It’s my father. The Huntsman.

I totally breakdown. A avalanche of tears pours from my eyes, and I heave unabashedly. He hugs me, and I bury my face in his broad chest. It’s the first time I’ve ever cried in my father’s arms.

My father takes me to Puss ’n Boots, a favorite tavern among Lalaland commoners and unsavory misfits like one-eyed ogres, deformed dwarfs, and grotesque giants. And Hook. We find a table in the corner, away from all the rowdy locals gathered at the bar. My father removes his pelted hunter’s hat with its single blood-red feather and orders a couple of beers. After all that’s happened today, a refreshing ale is just what I need.

As we await our drinks, my eyes dash back and forth to the front door. Despite his confession tonight, I expect Hook to show up any minute. Regulars still talk about his jousting match with Gallant. Both drunk out of their minds, they dueled for my hand and almost killed each other. A what-if pops into my head. If Hook had dueled Gallant to the end, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, depressed, confused, and contemplating a crime of passion. Putting an end to my wretched life.

“Jane, I am worried about you,” says my once estranged father. The look on his face is warm, loving, and compassionate. “You don’t seem to be yourself.”

A one-eyed ogre delivers our beers. Taking a sip of the cold, frothy beverage, I debate whether or not to tell my father about Gallant. We’ve become close. So close. He’s worked hard at making up for lost time. And so have I. Bottom line… the man whom I once despised most in my life is now the other man I love most in my life. It hasn’t been your everyday father-daughter relationship, but it’s been the best.

I take yet another swig of beer and then chug the rest. Finally, I unwind.

“Father, there’s someone close to me whose husband is having an affair. I think I gave her some bad advice.”

“Winnie? She seemed upset with you at our meeting.”

Good. He’s making it easy for me.

“I really can’t say who.” I’m not telling him it’s me.

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her she needed to prove it, and she did.” I sigh. “Now she’s all upset and doesn’t know what to do.”

My father lowers his mug to the distressed oak table. We share a stretch of silence.

At last, he breaks the ice. “Many years ago, I knew a beautiful woman who was madly in love with a handsome, hard-working man whom she trusted and respected. One night, the man drank too much and made a terrible mistake. He slept with a barmaid, but the love of his life caught him and never forgave him. She banned him from her bed forever.”

“What happened?” I ask, my eyes wide.

“The woman gave birth—to a beautiful little girl—and forbade her lover from ever seeing her or the child.”

My heart leaps to my throat. It doesn’t take a genius. My father, The Huntsman, is talking about himself. And my mother—Nelle! Despite our newfound closeness, this is a subject we’ve avoided. A painful one that neither of us has wanted to touch. All I’ve ever known is that my father abandoned us. No details. But now, I know why. The
real
truth. He had no choice. My mother forced him out of our lives. But, what does this story have to do with my problem?

My father’s eyes water. “Jane, I am sorry that I let you believe that your mother was wicked. She was wounded and did what she thought was right. She never recovered.”

I reach my hands across the table and clasp his stout fingers in mine. They’re cold and trembling.

“Did you still love her?” My voice waivers.

“My dear Jane, I have always loved her. I made one terrible mistake, but she could not see it that way. She thought because I slept with another woman I no longer loved her. But that was not the case.”

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”

“She never gave me the chance.” My father hangs his head low.

A long silence follows. We are both at a loss for words.

“Father, what should I tell my friend?” I say, finally ending the silence.

“Tell your friend to have an open mind. That perhaps her husband strayed, but his heart has remained true to her.”

My father squeezes my hands. “And tell her to keep an open heart.”

And forgive him?
I keep the thought to myself.

“Yes, my child. And to forgive him.” He has read my mind.

“Two more beers over here!” shouts my father with a sudden burst of jubilance. Our conversation has freed of him of the demons he’s battled all these years.

And talking to my father has given me an entirely new perspective on Gallant’s affair. Maybe Gallant’s affair with Aurora
is
just a one-time fling. A silly divergence he’ll regret. He’ll get over it, apologize to me, and I’ll forgive him. And it’ll be back to happily ever after.

My father and I toast each other when the beers arrive. I’m blessed to have such a wise and loving father. As I chug down the cold beverage, a warm feeling washes over me. For the first time all day, I have a glimmer of hope.

That Gallant still loves me.

And that maybe my mother was not born evil after all.