I Could Pee on This
Read I Could Pee on This Online
Authors: Francesco Marciuliano
Dedicated in loving memory to
Boris and Natasha,
two unforgettable cats
who I had the great fortune
to call family
For thousands of years, cats have strived to express to humans what it means to be feline. They have tried body language, plaintive meowing, even a filmmaking style best described as “fallen camera nudged across floor until forgotten or smeared with saliva.” And for thousands of years, we humans have witnessed this unending struggle for true emotional and spiritual connection and said, “Wook at that wittle furry face! Wook at that wittle furry face! Who’s got a wittle furry face? You’ve got a wittle furry face!”
But now, through the power of poetry and a publishing contract, cats everywhere can fully welcome people into their hearts, minds, and souls. Within these very pages, you’ll find poems penned by cats that reveal their every desire, their every conflict, and their every epiphany. You’ll also discover why cats do things like put their whole paw in your glass and then look at you as if you’ve never had a date over for wine before. Seriously, their whole paw. Like they think it’s easy to get cabernet out of orange tabby.
In fact, by the time you’ve finished reading this poetry anthology, you’ll not only completely understand everything your cat thinks and does but even applaud him for it. Maybe give him a medal. Or throw him a parade in your hallway, making sure to avoid staircases so all the tiny floats don’t tumble down. Or you can just sit your cat down, look him straight in the eyes and say, “I get it. I really do get it… furry face.”
FAMILY
Sometimes when I lie on your warm chest And hear your every happy sigh I gaze into your two kind eyes And wonder, “Who is that?”
CAT EPIGRAM
Her new sweater doesn’t smell of me
I could pee on that
She’s gone out for the day and left her laptop on the counter
I could pee on that
Her new boyfriend just pushed my head away
I could pee on him
She’s ignoring me ignoring her
I could pee everywhere
She’s making up for it by putting me on her lap
I could pee on this
I could pee on this
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you’re up? Feed me
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME I-
Oh, uh, hello
I did not expect an answer
I did not expect an entrance
I did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dull
So, uh, goodbye
Why are you screaming?
What did I do wrong?
Why are you crying?
How can I make it right?
Would you like it in a different color?
Would you like it in a different size?
Would you like it in a different room?
I just wanted to show my love
I just wanted to express my thanks
I just wanted to put a dead mouse on your sheets
But now you are screaming
And I don’t know how to make you stop
There’s another cat in the house
A cat I’ve never seen
A much
younger
cat
You seem to know her name
You accidentally called me by her name
Right in front of the lamp
And my friend the throw pillow
I’ve never been so humiliated
I may never love again
You can have the CDs,
I will take the string
You can have the TV,
I will take this fuzzy thing
You can have the kitchen set,
I will take this crumpled foil
You can have the car,
I will keep this rug I soil
You can have the beach house,
I will take this tissue box
You can have everything,
Ooo I want those dirty socks
You can go to hell, I will see to that
For how dare you come home
smelling of another cat?
Something’s wrong
Why are the walls a different color?
Something’s not right
When did we get these stairs?
Something’s off
How did the kitchen move across the floor?
Something’s going on
Who changed all the homes outside?
Something’s very odd
Why are you mispronouncing “Georgia” as “New York”?
Something happened
When you put me in that carrying case
And someday soon
I will figure it out
I knead your chest with my sharp claws
To show you my affection
I bite your arm and don’t let go
To show you adoration
I walk across your throat at night
Because I want to say, “Hello!”
I leap from high upon your crotch
Because I miss you so
I trip you when you walk down the stairs
So you know I’m always near
I sit on your face and block all your air
So my absence you need not fear
I show my love in so many ways
My devotion runneth over
So I don’t know why when I approach
You duck and run for cover
They say we are brothers though
we look nothing alike
They say we are family though
we differ so much
I am tabby, you are brown
I am long, you are short
I am thin, you are stout
I am lively, you are shy
I am a kitten, you are a hamster
But kin is kin
So let me run on your wheel
O please
O come on
0 like you didn’t know
What you were getting for Christmas
Before I ripped open all your gifts
0 by the way
The tree looks better on its side
0 I really do think so
Don’t put that thing around my neck
Don’t take me out the front door
Don’t show me off in the park
Don’t drag me into every store
Don’t smile when people stop and stare
Don’t sit outside and talk on the phone
Don’t walk me all over this damn town
Then wonder why you’re still alone
Seriously?
Seriously?!
SERIOUSLY?!
If I took YOU to the doctor
I would make damn sure
You came back with both of them
Down there
Now if you’ll excuse me
I’m going to look forlornly out a window