I Could Pee on This (4 page)

It’s been four days since we started

It’s been three days since you ate

It’s been two days since your boss called

And fired you for being late

But you’re the one who did this

The one who put the feather on the string

The one who waved it for me to play

The one who made my heart just sing

So welcome to your eternity

On the edge of a laughing teacup

Did Kubla Kat decree

That the corn fritter festooned with medals

Shall make the brownies free

And so the walls turned to water

To let our sorrows drown

As the chairs burned themselves for warmth

So they need not face the clown

Then the spoons burst into song

And all the forks they understood

As I stared at my now talking claws

Because this catnip is just that good

Everything I do you hate

Is pure instinct

Everything I do you love

Is pure me

CAT APHORISM

I am intelligent

I am attractive

I am powerful

I am proactive

I have value

I have health

I have strength

I have stealth

I am surrounded by love

I am a beacon of hope

I-HORKFLAKGLORKSPUKE

…

That was a hairball

And I am a cat

And what just happened

I am fine with that

The leaf twirls gently

to the dry ground

The flake tumbles lightly

to the snowy mound

The lightning falls mightily

to the earth with a crash

And I plummet sleepily

from the fridge to the trash.

Such is nature’s way

There is nothing like long

Direct

Intense

Awkward

Unfortunate

Eye contact

To help us see

That maybe you put my litter box

Too close to your favorite chair

I’m not touching my food because

there’s a pill in it

I’m not having that treat because

there’s a pill in it

I’m not going near your hand because

there’s a pill in it

I’m not playing with that toy because

there’s a pill in it

I’m not going into that room because

there’s a pill in it

I’m not sleeping on that couch because

there’s a pill in it

I’m not looking at the sky because

there’s a pill up there

I’m not doing anything because

there’s a pill everywhere

You may think I’m paranoid

You may think I’m rather nuts

But you’re not going to fool me twice

And besides, I think I can cure

hookworm with my mind

You can’t hold someone who

wants to leave

You can’t clutch a memory

as if it were today

You can’t take an insult

close to heart

You can’t grasp for glory

from your chair

You can’t seize life

thinking only of loss

And you can’t grab a laser pointer dot

on the wall

No matter how much you try

These hard-earned truths I give to you

What’s the longest you can hum

before they say you’ve gone insane?

What’s the difference between a street,

an avenue, and a lane?

Have you ever told an ethnic joke

and insulted a nearby ghost?

Have you ever wondered what happened

to “Happy Days” star Donny Most?

If a hurricane were named “Mortimer,”

would anyone run away?

If a toaster were brought to life,

would it clean its own crumb tray?

Why don’t leprechauns use their gold

to pay off their student loans?

Why don’t ninjas ever forget

to silence their cell phones?

I know many people think

that Siamese are way too chatty

I know they all think we just

talk and talk and talk

But you’re wide awake in bed

just staring at the ceiling

So maybe you could tell me

why not whiteboard and black chalk?

This table is cold

That hand is cold

The needle is cold

The stethoscope is cold

The doctor is cold

The nurse is cold

This room is cold

The only thing that’s warm

Is the puddle of urine

I made on the vet’s notes

Everyone has restless leg syndrome

Everyone has slipped, or fell

Everyone suffers from depression

And bladder dysfunction as well

Everyone should sue their doctor

Everyone can’t sleep at night

Everyone can’t do the simplest task

When filmed in black and white

Everyone must buy insurance

Everyone owes the taxman pay

Everything looks so bleak and hopeless

Since you left the TV on

to keep me company all day

I’m not fat, I’m big-boned

I’m not fat, I’m a bigger breed

I’m not fat, it’s just more hair

I’m not fat, it’s just more muscle

I’m not fat, it’s only winter weight

I’m not fat, it’s only a trick of the eye

I’m not the reason you threw out your back

But the next time you lift me,

do so with your knees

Lap, lap, lap

Savor the oak

Lick, lick, lick

The sweet fruit delights

Slurp, slurp, slurp

So delicate in structure

Gulp, gulp, gulp

So complex in nature

Oh, I didn’t know water

could taste like this

Oh, I didn’t know the sink faucet

was such bliss

Oh, I can’t believe all those years

I did piss

Away drinking that swill you serve

in my bowl

What do you think you—

How could you treat me like—

Don’t you dare turn on that—

Oh hell it’s torture in all this—

AUGH! AUGH! It’s going in my—

How could you do such a cruel—

Don’t you dare put me in—

I’m going to kill you right—

Let me just scratch your eye with my—

Stop interrupting me with your—

Will this nightmare ever—

Oh, it’s over

Okay then

But this is the last time

you’re ever giving me a bath

I know what “No” means

I know what you said

I know you said “No”

I heard you every time

I know you screamed, “Don’t break it”

I know you shouted, “Don’t do that,

you hear?”

But I don’t know why

You’re upset it’s now broken

When I know for a fact

You didn’t say, “No don’t do that”

The seventh time I smacked it

When your head was turned

Why is the dog man’s best friend?

Because I don’t greet you at the door?

Because I don’t wave my tail when you leave?

Because I don’t play catch or fetch?

Because I don’t do a single trick?

Because I don’t beg for your attention?

Because I don’t answer when you call?

Well, I also don’t watch you having sex

And let’s just say the dog talks

I miss my special sunny place

I miss my head pressed against your face

I miss the carpet rub against my paws

I miss the sofa tug at my claws

I miss skidding across the kitchen floor

I miss yowling at your bedroom door

I miss lying on my windowsill

I miss refusing to take my pill

I miss my family, my home, your sweater

I even miss that worthless Irish Setter