I Could Pee on This (2 page)

For like eighteen years

Eighteen looooooooong years

Seriously?!

I could lie by your side for the rest

of our lives

I think I’ll walk away right now

I could let you pet me for

a hundred years

I think we need some time apart

I could be kissed a thousand

thousand times

I think I’m needed somewhere else

I could sit on your lap forever

I said I could sit on your lap
forever

Don’t you even think of trying to get up

Well, you should have gone

to the bathroom beforehand

Because forever is a very, very long time

This is my chair

This is my couch

That is my bed

That is my bench

There is my chaise

There is my settee

Those are my footstools

Those are my rugs

Everywhere is my place to sleep

Perhaps you should just get a hotel room

That was just for you

That was just our little joke

So we could share a little laugh

Just the two of us alone

But you took that special moment

You posted it online

Now forty million people think

I bark like a dog

And so I hide under the covers

Cursing your very name

Saying you better get a good lawyer

Or me a great agent

They say there are

Twenty-four hours in a day

But I’m only up for three of them

And two I consider overtime

CAT PROVERB

I lick my neck, I lick my chest

I lick my back to look my best

I lick my paw to wash my face

I lift my leg to lick that place

I lick my tail, I lick my belly

I lick my back or did I do that already?

I lick my tail, maybe once more

Oh what the hell, let’s make it four

I lick my neck in case I forgot

Did I lick my chest? Well, I missed a spot

I lick my face, my leg, my tail, my face

I relick my belly and then, yes, my face

I lick all the time, I’m so soil-free

Seems the only thing I can’t lick is my OCD

Suetdhe8defdisjas

I just typed a poem in your presentation

Chsothekstevdswdj

I just typed a joke in your email

Nosyd76mhdlwdag

I just typed something personal

on your update

Vos7swps8s73wbk

I just typed my political views

in your tweet

Bhst9ahw-2ynsyhz

I just accidentally typed in

your bank account password

Kitty’s gonna buy himself

a new scratching post

One day words I shall talk

One day on my hind legs I shall walk

One day your books I shall read

One day I shall dress in your finest tweed

And on that day when I talk and walk

When I know the facts

and look stunning in slacks

When I am your equal

and not under your command

I shall stride right up and fully demand,

“Can you get my favorite fuzzy toy

from under the bed?

It’s been there for like a week,

and I can’t reach it”

It’s 8
A.M.
and time to rest

It’s 10
A.M.
and time to relax

It’s noon and time for repose

It’s 3
P.M.
and time for shut-eye

It’s 6
P.M.
and time for siesta

It’s 9
P.M.
and time to slumber

It’s midnight and time to snooze

It’s 4
A.M.
and time to hang upside down

from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

Scratch Scratch Scratch

Scratch Scratch Scratch

Scratch Scratch

Scratch

There

It is done

Now gaze upon your sofa leg

And see an exact replica

of Rodin’s
The Thinker

I mean, if you look at it

from just the right angle

Anyway, on to my next masterpiece—

Turning your curtains into confetti

Really, I should have

my own gallery show

Tell me about your day

Tell me about your dreams

Tell me about the girl you adore

The one who smiles but walks away

Tell me your greatest fears

Tell me your biggest secrets

Tell me your most cherished moments

The ones that light your darkest days

Tell me why things don’t work out

Tell me why stuff gets in the way

Tell me why it stops you cold

The one thought you can’t let go

Lie on the couch and talk to me

Open your mind and bare yourself

Because I think I finally figured out

how to bill you

And I’m about to make a fortune

Did you know?

Did you see?

Did you count?

How many times

I had to smack that moth

On your forehead

With my paw?

It was like a thousand

He’s dead now, though

Definitely dead

One more smack

You’re welcome

The first life is for running

The second life is for staring

The third life is for climbing

The fourth life is for tearing

The fifth life is for sleeping

The sixth life is for sleeping

The seventh life is for sleeping

The eighth life is for sleeping

The ninth life is for writing my memoirs

I run across the room

I race across the floor

I dash to this wall

I thought I saw something

I forgot what it was

Now everyone is staring at me

So I run back across the room

I race back across the floor

I dash back to that other wall

So everyone will think

I’m just running laps

I’m sorry I tripped you in the hall

I’m sorry I tripped you in the den

I’m sorry I tripped you in the bedroom

I’m sorry I tripped you in the kitchen

I’m sorry I tripped you in the attic

I’m sorry I tripped you in the basement

I’m sorry I tripped you out the door

I’m sorry I tripped you on hard cement

But some men paid me five grand to kill you

I cleaned the floor

With your sweater back and forth

I cleared the table

With a few whips of my tail

I dusted your shelves

Of all the knickknacks you kept

I made your bed

Smell a lot more like me

I’m here to help

I want to do my part

After all, we’re all in this together