Authors: K Larsen
Ryan after weeks, demands I see a doctor for help. They prescribe me antidepressants, antianxiety and sleeping pills. I take them faithfully
every day to turn myself into a walking zombie who feels nothing. Ryan doesn't seem to care that I’ve changed. That the meds have changed me. That I feel nothing. He continues on with his degradation and destruction.
The funeral was beautiful. Everyone told me that much. I did a good job of bringing everyone together to celebrate a life cut short. Jenny was only twenty seven. Her death tragic. I managed to pull myself together long enough to make it through the funeral but as soon as it ended I lost it. I fell apart. The gathering back at our house helped me pull myself back together again momentarily. Ryan sulked in a corner angry that we had to have all these people over. People he didn't want in our house. “What’s the point?” He’d said.
I was hugged and kissed and my back was rubbed more in that two hour gathering than in over the last four years with Ryan. People of course asked where he was and how this must be hitting him hard if he couldn't be at my side right now. If they only knew he was just irritated that they were in his house and avoiding us all.
By the time I had finished cleaning up that night Ryan had gone to bed without me. I sat in the dark living room alone and wept. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke the next morning Ryan had already left for work. I moved from the couch to our bed and stayed the day there.
After over a month of staying in bed all day Ryan’s anger at me hit an
all-time high. He dragged me out of bed roughly one afternoon and hauled my ass promptly to a therapist, Dr. Rand. He seems like a decent guy. Not that I could give a shit. I take my pills every day as prescribed to keep me from giving a shit. Ryan says if I won't get on with my life then he will make me. Hence, my now weekly appointments with Dr. Rand.
“Elle, you have to talk.” Dr. Rand prompts.
“Why?”
“That’s sort of the point of therapy.” He says.
“What shall I talk about then Dr.?” I snip.
“What about your sister’s death is bothering you the most?”
“The fact that she's DEAD.” I say flatly.
He sighs at me and shakes his head. “You’ve got to work with me Elle.”
“I have no one.”
“You have your husband.” He reminds me. I snort in disgust. If he only knew. Sure I
have
a husband but I don't have one really. He is a stranger living in my house with me at best. A hateful stranger at that. A bell chimes indicating that our time for this week is up. I smile at Dr. Rand and stand.
“See you next week.” I wave and exit his office.
I go home, pop some pills and crawl into bed. Days I don't have therapy I stay in bed most of the day, occasionally getting up to eat something or use the bathroom. I read as many books as I can. It’s the only thing that brings me any pleasure. I voraciously rip through romance novels pretending that I too could have love and a happy ending. Someone to cherish me...someone to cherish. But that dream’s a slippery slope. It’s an illusion and illusion never changes into something real, but to stop dreaming all together might as well be death.
On bad days I re-live all of my and Jenny’s greatest moments together. Each memory is as crystal clear as the pain that resonates in my chest from the loss of her. Those days I don't even hear Ryan grumbling, yelling at me or throwing things. Those days my thoughts are black and blue like my heart. I stare at the ceiling and talk to my sister. I
ask her what the hell I should do. How to live without her. I ask her how to leave Ryan. Sometimes if I hold my breath and wait I can swear I hear her trying to answer me.
How do you know if you’re crazy? If you look up crazy it says mentally deranged. If you then wonder what mentally deranged truly means it will tell you; mentally deranged patients are often filled with hate and animosity and will often demonstrate a series of disturbed behaviors. Generally, deranged individuals are trapped in their own state of mind.
I feel crazy some days but I don't exhibit the symptoms needed to be mentally deranged. However, Ryan, in my opinion is hateful and trapped in his own state of mind and I find his behaviors disturbing. No one would ever believe this though. He is an upstanding citizen publicly.
PRESENT
DAY 7
Small kisses rain all over my face and neck. I crack one eye open to find Colin grinning at me. “Morning Babe.” His arm coils around my waist while he rolls positioning me on top of him. A tiny squeal escapes me and he laughs.
“Morning.” I whisper as I dip my head to his and give him a soft kiss. He moans and tangles his fingers in my hair. I feel so carefree, alive and full of desire. I pull back a little and look into those mesmerizing hazel orbs before glancing at the clock. Eight thirty am.
“Do we have to train today?” I wrinkle my nose. “Cause I’m feeling pretty lazy and content right now.” I whine while his large palm wanders up and down my back.
“I believe your list says that today you have to say yes to everything for the whole day.” His eyes sparkle with mischief. I groan and roll off of him planting my face in the pillow.
“Come on,” he pushes, “it won't be that bad. I promise.” A finger jabs into my side tickling me and I snort with laughter while curling into a tight ball. “Stop that!”
“Really Elle. I think this ‘yes day’ could be pretty good.”
“I guess we’ll see won't we.” Sarcasm drips from my voice.
“Well then, would you like to hit the gym?” His eyes are playful and his dimple gives him a boyish charm.
“Yes.” I chuckle and roll out of the warm bed to get the first shower. If I have to look at his perfectly sculpted chest and abs for another minute I might explode. As I snag a clean towel from the closet I steal one more look at him. His eyes are trained on my ass with nothing but appreciation glowing on his face. I laugh and toss the towel at him before stepping into the bathroom.
After a delicious br
eakfast of eggs and bacon made by Colin we hit the gym and work some more on my combinations. I’m slowly improving and toning up. My muscles ache in a good way.
“So Elle....” Colin drawls as we head out of the gym. “Care for some sushi this afternoon?”
I hate sushi. Well I’ve never tried it but the idea of it totally turns me off. I wrinkle my nose at him. “I don't like sushi.” I tell him.
“Would you like sushi Elle?” His eyes glimmer.
I sigh knowing what he’s doing. “Yes.” His grin widens and he extends his arm out to me.
“Well then, I know just the place.” We’re seated not long after arriving and as we’re looking over the menu Colin seems quite pleased with himself.
“I think it’s unfair to have to say yes to things I don't like.” I pout.
“Well how will you experience new things if you always say no?”
“You’re annoying.” My pout turns to a scowl and he laughs at me. I love that laugh. It fills up a part of my heart I wasn’t aware existed.
“Fine, then you order for me because I have no idea what any of this is.” I say waving my hand over the menu. When the waitress comes Colin does order for the both of us.
When our food arrives something I’m told are Avo-Kyu and California rolls are placed in front of us. They look icky. Colin picks one up. “Open up.” He says as tries to feed it to me. I clamp my mouth shut and shake my head no. “It’s yes day Elle, open up.” Reluctantly I open my mouth as he puts the end of the roll into my mouth and I take a bite. I chew slowly and to my surprise, it’s not that bad.
“I ordered rolls with avocado in them, since I know you like those.” He says with pride recalling our grocery store evening.
“It actually wasn't so bad. I was expecting a hunk of raw fish or something.” I chuckle.
Colin eats more than I do. It’s alright but I’m still not totally sold, so I end up having one California roll and half an Avo-Kyu roll.
“You must be starving.” He says as we’re leaving. As if on cue my stomach grumbles.
“A little.”
“Would you like something else?” He laughs.
“Mmmm I could go for a bagel with lots of cream cheese.” I sing.
“Whatever the lady wishes.” He smiles down at me.
Colin leads me a few blocks in the opposite direction from my cottage and into a little hole in the wall with no sign. “Best bagels in town.” He declares as we step through the entrance.
“How would anyone even know this place is here?”
“You have to be a local.” He winks. I order myself an everything bagel toasted with veggie cream cheese and dig in.
“Oh my god you’re right, this is delicious.” I say around a mouthful earning me his dimpled grin.
“Do you like rides?” He asks.
“I guess. I haven't been on any in years.” I shrug.
“Let’s go to Carowinds.”
“The amusement park?” I ask wide eyed.
“Yeah.”
“Uh. Ok. But you’ll have to drive since I’m without a car, but I’ll pay for the tickets.”
“No, no, this yes day is on me.” He demands politely. He doesn't know I have money but I’ve seen his apartment, the gym. I know he
gets by but isn’t rolling in it and I don't want to put him out.
“Colin.”
“What is it?”
“I have plenty of money. Please let me pay. Especially for things that are a direct result of the list. I’ll let you have dates, but the list comes out of my pocket.” I don't want to hurt his ego but some of the things on the list were only feasible because Jenny and I both had the funds to know we could do them. He looks at me funny.
“Will you be my sugar mama?” He laughs knowing the only answer I can give today is yes. I roll my eyes at him. “Yes.” I play along.
With that we walk back to his apartment where he changes and then drives me to mine so I can do the same before leaving for Carowinds. The drive to the amusement park passes quickly as we banter back and forth with ease. When we arrive he takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine as we walk the entrance. It all feels so natural.
“Is this ok?” He asks looking at our entwined hands.
“Yes.” I smile up at him. He chuckles and the corners of his eyes crease with his smile. It’s hot and makes my belly flutter.
After asking me ten times if I want to go on this ride or that, knowing all the while that I have to say yes we’ve ridden almost every ride in the park and we’re spent. The rollercoasters left me feeling exhilarated and full of life. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Throughout our time wandering through the park he was sweet and attentive and I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him. Everything between us is effortless and natural.
I quite enjoyed the few times I was behind him in line, each movement forward showing his perfect butt shifting behind his jeans. His stare burns me like his touch does and he always seems to be staring. He keeps his fingers laced with mine whenever possible. His lips find my temple for no reason at all multiple times making my pulse quicken each time. We fit together in a way I didn’t think possible for two people.
“Your place or mine tonight?” He asks quietly as we pull into town.
“Um. Either is fine I guess.”
“Mine then.” He states.
We pull into his parking spot both exiting the car tired from a long day of fun and excitement. I’m sleepy and content as he leads me up the stairs, hand at the small of my back. As soon as we’re inside and the door clicks shut behind us Colin’s hands are on me.
“Can I kiss you?” He breathes pulling me hard into him. I look into those hazel eyes and lose myself.
“Yes.”
His lips come to mine, taking their time exploring and worshiping. I moan into his mouth spurring him on. His tongue finds mine and a rush of adrenaline spikes though my body making my belly clench in anticipation. He walks us slowly backward careful to keep me upright with him as his kisses continue to rain down on me. He moves from my lips to my ear and down my neck to my collarbone. I feel a frantic desire to have more of him. I move my hands under and up his shirt lifting it over his head and tossing it to the floor.
When my lips come to his chest his breath hitches and his muscles twitch. His fingers leave a trail of goose bumps from my hips up to my armpits as he removes my shirt. “Can I kiss you here?” He whispers hoarsely inches from my bra clad nipple.
“Yes.” I breathe. His mouth comes over my breast making me whimper. “I love the noises you make.” He groans before unclasping my bra and letting it drop to the floor between us. His arms scoop me up effortlessly. “I’m so desperate for you I’m afraid it’s not natural.” He murmurs in my ear. His hot breath cascades down my neck making me tremble as he lays me on the bed. “Can I remove these?” His fingers toy with the button of my jeans.”