Authors: K Larsen
“Ready?” I ask and her head bounces her nod yes.
She reaches up and grabs hold of the first craggy handhold propelling herself upwards. The sinew of her arms holding her as she finds her footing. She’s hesitant and slow the first few feet but soon works herself into a comfortable pattern. Hand, footing, hand, pull. I keep her pace left of her.
“Colin, I can't find a footing.” She glances down the twenty feet that we’ve climbed and looks a little squeamish.
“Don’t look down now, we only have five more feet to the top. Can you move your left foot up and to the left? There’s a footing there you should be able to reach.”
I watch as she tries to move in the direction I’ve told her but her leg falls just short of reaching.
“I can’t reach.” She huffs.
“Move your hands left. You can hold on while you push off the right footing to catch the left one.”
“It’s too far.”
“It’s not.”
“It is.”
“Elle.”
“You’re annoying.” She grumbles. She angles her body at a slant and swings her body left. Her foot lands just where it should then slips. Fear flashes in her eyes and she scrambles to right herself. When she finally does I hear her blow out a breath.
“Fine, you were right.” She admits. We finish the climb together. Twenty five feet up to the top and she made it. I let her ring the bell at the top.
“Now for the fun part.” I chuckle as we both lean back into our sit bones and start to repel down the wall. By the time we reach the bottom she’s wearing a triumphant face splitting grin that makes me swell with pride for her. She’s so damned adorable. I brush a loose piece of hair from her face before pulling her into my chest. I love the way it feels when her arms wrap around me. I’ve never felt anything so comforting.
***
Exhilaration filled me as we rappelled down the wall. I did it. I climbed twenty five feet up and rang that stupid bell for Jenny. It was a fun experience but I don't anticipate becoming an avid rock climber any time soon. Colin beamed with pride as he gazed at me the entire climb. His encouragement puts me at ease. At the bottom of the wall when Colin’s arms wrapped around me something unspoken passed between us. I can’t figure it out. I can’t identify it but it scares me a little. Things have moved too quickly. I’m too
dependent on him I think. I’m supposed to be alone.
“Colin,” I stare out the car window, “I think maybe things are moving too fast.”
“Are you talking about us?”
“Yes.” My voice shakes.
“Why?”
“We’ve only known each other a week... we’ve, well you know moved quickly.”
“That’s true but it doesn’t feel wrong to me.”
“It doesn't feel wrong to me either but that’s what scares me. That it’s too effortless. That it’s not sustainable. That the other shoe will drop and when it does you’ll be hurt.”
“Why me?”
“Because. Because I’m married. Because even though I’ve been estranged from him for almost a year he still scares me. I’m supposed to be finding me not losing myself to another relationship.”
“Dammit Elle.” His eyes are dark and his jaws clenched.
“I’m sorry Colin. I just don't think it’s safe to be together, or healthy. It’s all too fast.”
“We can slow down.” He pleads gently.
“I don't know.”
“Elle. I don't care what you say. I’m not giving you up. I don't care how fast and impossible it feels, it’s happening and it’s incredible. You’re incredible.” His words are touching and my resolve crumbles slightly.
“I need to think about it. I’ll still train tomorrow morning.”
“I hate what he’s done to you.” He grits through his teeth.
“What are you talking about?”
“He’s stripped you of the ability to think you deserve love. To accept it. You’re fearful of it. He’s made you lose the part of yourself that believes in you, that
lets you trust your own gut.” Tears threaten to fall at his words. He’s right. I know he’s right but it doesn't change how real my pathetic feelings feel or that I feel them at all. So I don't say anything more.
The remainder of our ride is spent in silence. Me staring out the window lost in the lush green scenery flying past and him white knuckling the steering wheel. When he drops me off at the cottage I quickly dart inside, collapsing on my bed before the first sob escapes me.
What have I done Jenny? Why does this hurt? Why aren't you fucking answering me?!
After hours of sobbing and over analyzing every last detail of our time together I realize that maybe I’d just found what I’d been hoping for all these years. Maybe, although fast, Colin and I are a good thing. I am more my own person now than I was a year, even three years ago. So much has changed in so little time and I’ve changed, grown. I know what I want in life now. I’ve taken steps to make it happen...illegal steps but what’s the difference? I fight for me and what I want now, I don't lay down and take anything and my heart wants Colin. I hide in my room wallowing in the self-pity that seems to be drowning me. I cry some more wondering if I’ve gone and messed up possibly the most amazing thing to ever happen to me before falling into a fitful sleep.
2012
January
My eyes slowly fluttered open as a
multitude of alarms, whistles, buzzes, an ice machine disgorging its cubes, a laundry cart rolling, an I.V. pump beeping, and voices discussing good and bad outcomes rape my senses. It’s too bright. I slam my eyes shut again taking in all the foreign sounds. This doesn't sound like I imagined. I don't know if I truly thought there was a heaven or a hell but wherever I was supposed to end up this is not it.
“
Elle....
Elle can you hear me?” The voice sounds distant yet too close. I pry my eyes open once more and squint at the figure hovering above me. “Where am I?” I rasp. My throat is impossibly dry and my voice doesn't sound like it belongs to me. Someone touches my wrist and pain rockets through me at the slight movement making me whimper.
“Just getting your vitals.” A different voice mumbles.
“Elle, I’m Dr. Evers. You’re at St. Francis Hospital. Do you remember anything?”
“Car accident.” I scratch.
“Yes. Good, you remember. You were in a car accident. Your left arm, collarbone and left leg are badly broken. I’m going to give you something for the pain. It will make you drowsy though.” The doctor says. I still can't quite see clearly to really make him out. I try to nod my head but pain rips through me when I try. “Don’t try to move. Just relax and rest.” He says.
“Water.” I grate.
“Yes, the nurse can bring you water.” Moments later a blurry figure sits next to me and a straw comes to my lips. I pull lightly on the straw drawing water into my mouth. It’s cool and refreshing instantly making me feel slightly better.
“What day is it?” I quietly ask.
“January tenth.” The doctors voice replies. That can't be right. It’s the sixth. I know it’s the sixth. As if sensing my confusion he continues. “You’ve been in a coma for four days Elle. We’re glad to see you finally awake.” He squeezes my right hand lightly before leaving the room. Four days? I’ve been here for four days?!
My vision is slowly improving. I glance around the room. There are three flower arrangements on various tables and a few cards propped up surrounding them. The nurse with the water is at the end of the bed writing on a whiteboard. “Who are those from?” I ask eyeing the flowers. She turns and reads off a few names of good friends that I haven't seen for a while. None of them are from my Husband. “Has anyone visited?” I push her further.
“Your husband has visited two nights for a little while.” Her eyes look sad. Pity sad.
Whose husband visits twice in four days? Mine does. “Thanks.” I say avoiding her eyes. Another nurse enters and hooks something up to my I.V. and moments later I drift to sleep.
When I open my eyes again I find him at my door. He’s wearing his best apology but I remember. I took what he dished out. There are no words to hide behind now. Just me and him alone and I won't let him hurt me anymore.
“Elle.” He breathes.
“Get out.” I clip through gritted teeth.
“Calm down. We need to talk.” He pushes.
“We have nothing to talk about. Get out.” Machines start beeping frantically around me.
“Excuse me sir.” The nurse I talked
to the day before brushes past him to the heart rate monitor beeping wildly. “Sir, she needs to stay calm.”
“I need him to leave.” I tell the nurse, my eyes frenzied. She looks between us for a moment then nods her head.
“I need to ask you to leave sir.”
“I’m her goddamned husband for Christ’s sake!” He bellows.
“I’m sorry sir, but it’s imperative that we keep her relaxed and calm right now.” She moves a step towards Ryan in challenge.
“You can't keep me out forever Elle, we have things to discuss concerning your...
stay
.” He relents, turning on his heel and leaves the room.
“Thank you.” I sigh to the nurse. “What’s your name?”
“Rachel.”
“Hi Rachel. Elle. Nice to actually meet you.” I try to be charming.
“It’s nice to finally hear your voice. It was touch and go there for a while. Just glad you woke up.” She smiles. She has a nice smile too. Its big and bright and reaches her eyes.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.” She answers.
“How long before I get out of here?” I ask knowing I have a while but it would be nice to have some sort of time frame for sanity’s sake. Her smile falls just slightly. “I mean, I know I’m pretty beat up, but I just want a ballpark.” I try to joke.
“Honey,” She starts. “It’s not just the injuries you’ve sustained. You’re on suicide watch. This is the Psych floor.” Her words leave me speechless and dazed. A tear slips out the corner of one eye and trickles down my face slowly before hitting my lip. I lick it away, tasting the salty wetness and let my head drop back on the pillow.
“You weren't just
in
an accident, you caused the accident.” She continues. I don't need her to tell me though, I was there. I knew what I was doing. I knew what was supposed to happen and just like Ryan always alludes, I failed at it. I am so pathetic that I couldn't even succeed at ending my own life. I clear my throat. “I’m aware, thanks.”
I hear her move towards the door. “Wait!” I call after her. “I would really prefer to have no visitors if
that’s possible, not even my husband.” I advise her. She nods her head twice and leaves.
2012
February
My feelings suffocate me. I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I’m in the Psych ward on suicide watch. What can I do though? I can't walk. I only have one good arm and one good leg right now and a broken collarbone to boot. How much of a threat do they think I really pose to myself in this state? The doctor explains that once my injuries heal there will be significant physical therapy needed to get me back to good. Until then I will be meeting with Dr. Rand twice a week. He has graciously informed the hospital what drugs I was taking and those too will now be added to my daily
regimen.
“Elle. Good to see you.” Dr. Rand quips as he sits by my bed.
“Hi.” I reply flatly.
“We’ve got a lot to cover this week dontcha think?” Is he trying to piss me off?
“Sure.” I roll my head left and stare out the barred window.
“I want you to take a look at these.” He says. I swing my head back toward him. He’s holding a few pictures out to me. I reach out grabbing them and look them over.
“What do you see?” He probes.
“I see my car. Mangled.” The pictures are of the accident. Judging by the car and tree, how I survived is a mystery.
“And... how does that make you feel?”
“Like a failure.” I tell him honestly.
“Come again?” One eyebrow is cocked and his nose is curled up on one side making him look ridiculous.
“It makes me feel like a failure. The car is clearly obliterated yet I am not. I attempted to
kill
myself yet here I am. A survivor of
that
wreckage.” I toss the photos back at him.
He sits motionless for a moment. “I see. Do you still want to die?”
“What kind of question is that? No I don’t want to die. You have me on more meds than I can handle. I’m a zombie. I feel numb from them. Ryan came home and told me how I
should
be grieving and when I didn't agree with him he hit me, TWICE! I got up, left the house, and as I drove down the road the tree just suddenly seemed like the answer to all my prayers. I punched the gas and went for it. I sure as shit didn't think I’d end up here with you.” I exasperate.