30 Days (13 page)

I watch as his pencil moves frenziedly across his pad. Not the right answer I realize. I need to give him all the right answers so I can get the hell out of here when the time comes. “I’m sorry Dr. Rand. I’m really frustrated right now.” I backtrack.

“I can see that Elle.”

“I want to heal. I want to get through physical therapy and then I want to go home.” I lie.

“I’m not sure it’s going to be that simple.” He retorts.

“Why not?”

“You have some serious work ahead of you and until you are deemed mentally stable Ryan has power of attorney, meaning you can't sign yourself out.” He explains.

“I will do the work. I will be cleared as mentally stable.” I state. I am not giving the state of my mental health and life over to Ryan. I will do whatever it takes. Then it dawns on me, if he has POA, he has access to my funds.
All
of my funds. “Dr. Rand, what happens if I’m cleared and Ryan doesn't agree? Can he ask that I be monitored further? Held longer?”

“I suppose that could happen.” He lets on making my breath falter. I suddenly feel woozy.

“I don’t feel well. I think maybe I need to rest.” I tell him. He lets me know that he will be back in three days for another appointment and leaves. Ryan now has a pretty sweet motive for keeping me hostage here. I am going to have to play nice with him.
The blows just keep coming.

The next two weeks seem to move at a slugs pace. Slowly but surely I am able to move about on my own with a motorized wheelchair that has a joystick so I can control it with my right hand. The left side of my body frustrates me. Both the leg and arm useless in their casts. Ryan doesn’t bother coming to visit. Rachel lets me know that they haven't even received a phone call from him to check in on me. Part of me is happy at the news. I don't want him in my life. I don't want him near me. The other part of me knows that I need to get him in here and soon before he blows all my money, before it’s too late to fix this.  It takes all the energy I have to make it through each day. I’m trapped in this prison of crazy people with no end date in sight. My gut clenches in knots thinking about it. Is it possible to go crazy from being surrounded by crazy all day?

“Good afternoon Elle. How are you today?” Dr. Rand asks.

“Feeling pretty good.”

“Nice to hear. So shall we?”

“Sure.” As if I have a choice.

“Last session you mentioned that Jenny helped you face some of your fears.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’d like to discuss those.”

“It wasn't really fears as much as things that I either wanted to do or didn't have the courage to do I guess.”

“Like what?”

“Ummm, like throwing a drink in
someone’s face.” I stammer.

“Really?” He clearly finds this interesting judging from the tone of his voice.

“Well it’s something that takes balls to do. I can’t actually imagine doing it or what would happen afterwards but yeah.... I guess if I were a badass it could happen.”

“Fascinating.” He makes some notes on his pad. I hate that pad.

“Not really.”  I mutter.

“Tell me something else.”

“Ok, going to dinner - out- alone.”

“You’ve never eaten at a restaurant alone?” He inquires.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It would be awkward. People would judge me, wonder if I was stood up or why I wasn't with someone.” I shrug.

“And why does that matter?” He pushes.

“I don't know, it just does.” I say frustrated.

“Elle, let’s make a list.”

“Of?”

“Of all these things that you feel matter. That if you had the chance, you’d like to see if you can accomplish just to say you did.”

“Ahhh, ok, sure.”

“Great. So we have Throwing a drink in
someone’s face and eating dinner alone. Yes?”

“Yeah.”

“And... these two things stem from perceived social judgment?”

“I guess.”

“Let’s get two more on the list today.” He says. I stop for a moment and think of things Jenny and I used to talk about.

“Learn to fight and ahh... sing karaoke.” I tell him.

“Let’s address learn to fight first.”

“Ok.” He stares at me for a moment. “Oh! Right you want me to talk about it. Well, I think it would be fun to learn boxing or kickboxing or MMA. But to actually go take a class or have a trainer for that kind of sport intimidates me and makes me
self-conscious.”

“Why?”

“I guess because I might not be good enough or I might fail at it.”

“So another failure issue.” He prompts.

“Sure.” I reply. He nods again jotting down more notes.

“Karaoke?”

“I sang in the chorus growing up, but in a group your voice blends in ...you can still hide. I guess karaoke would be making it about me. I could be booed off the stage because they think I’m terrible. Crowds always judge the person singing.”

“
Judgment and failure again. Quite the theme here don't you think?”

“I
think
a lot of people might have these thoughts on these things so far. It’s not abnormal.”

“I didn't say anything about abnormal Elle.” He retorts. I huff in frustration at him.

“Is our time up for today?”

He winks at me and sets his pencil to rest. “I suppose it is. I’ll see you in a few days. Have some more ready for the list.” He says.

DAY 12

My eyes are puffy and bloodshot and I feel as though I didn’t sleep at all last night. Instead of going to the gym I opt for wallowing in my own misery for the morning. Colin doesn't call to find out why I didn't show and I don't call to offer up an explanation. I’m not sure how to tell him that I want to continue seeing him. I want to tell him that I really do feel the same things he does but after my gaff yesterday words fail me.

My thoughts are depressing and spiraling out of control. I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone and call him. I just have to pick up the phone. I’m such a coward though. What if he thought about it all night and decided that I’m fickle and untrustworthy? What if he yells unkind things at me? I don't want either of those outcomes to be how I remember him if I’ve ruined this. Do something Elle! I just have to do something. I debate back and forth with myself about the pros and cons of just sending a text, calling or showing up at his apartment. All options leave me too nervous. I settle on a writing a note and sliding it under his apartment door. Then I can pretend, if I never hear from him again, that he never got it. What is wrong with me?

Colin-

I’m an idiot and a coward. I do know what I want. I do trust you.

If I gave you my hand would you take it because my heart couldn't

beat one more minute without you.

If you don't hate me I’ll be at the Wyngate Hotel lobby tonight at 6.

Elle

I reread my note a hundred times before just deciding it’s good enough. Clear and to the point. It’s eleven and Colin should still be at the gym with a client today so I fold the note in half and walk to his apartment. After sliding it under his door I feel that whoosh of anxiety. The kind when you want to reach your hand back in and pull the note out just to avoid the rejection that could come with leaving it. I have no choice now though. The walk back is torturous. I think maybe that I still need therapy.
Jenny, is this what normal people feel when they’re in love? Is this that anguish that accompanies a broken heart? I’ve never felt this before and I don't even know if we were even really ever anything together. AHHHHHHH! Just once you could send me a sign you know!

Normally I don't mind being alone. I enjoy it. I like the quiet. I like having myself only to worry about but now, something’s changed. He has filled that place in me that needed someone, becoming a mainstay in my life, friend and the one I feel safest with.  As I pass The Freaky Bean I notice Jenna exiting the cafe.

“Hey Elle!” Her smile drops as she takes in my face.

“Hi Jenna.”

“What happened to you? You look like me after a bad date.” Her comment makes me chuckle. Apparently there is a look that screams relationship woes.

“I think I messed up. Big time.” I confess.

“I’m on my lunch break, need to talk?” She offers.

“Oh no, I don't want to impose.”

“Elle, don't be silly. Let’s hear it- I’ll even treat you to a cinnamon roll.” She gestures back inside the cafe and I can't help it, those cinnamon rolls are the best.

“Deal. But my treat....for subjecting you to my gloom.” I say making her laugh. We head back inside to order and grab a table.

“Spill it.” She pushes once we’re settled.

“I’ve been seeing this guy, Colin. He’s wonderful and amazing and ...and... the best thing that’s ever happened in my life.” I start, “and things were going great. Really. We have this weird connection. It was instantaneous. It scared me. I thought we were moving too fast...”

“Wait.” She cuts me off. “How long have you been seeing each other?”

“Oh, ah, like ten days or so.”

“Ok, well, that is quick...but go on.”

“I told him after a perfectly lovely day, that I didn't think it was working and about moving too quickly and he got frustrated and told me he refused to give me up but then I bolted from the car when he dropped me off and I was supposed to train with him still this morning but blew it off even though I realized last night that I
do
want him. Like, a lot. He hasn't called or anything today to find out why I missed out training session.” I finish breathless and smack my hands against my face.

“Elle, relax. Everyone
gets scared. It’s natural. I’m sure if you just call and talk to him things will be fine.” She softly chuckles. I groan and look up to her.

“I thought about that and then decided against it. So I slipped a note under his door telling him if he doesn't hate me to meet me tonight at the Wyngate lobby.”

“What? Why there?”

“Oh, I have to play the piano in the lobby.” I wave it off. “It’s part of the list.”

Her eyebrows draw together in confusion. “What list?” She questions making me sigh in frustration.

“That’s kinda how all this started. I have a list of things to do. During one of those things I met him. Then, after a date he asked if he could do the things on my list with me. So we have.”

“You might be the most exciting and interesting person I’ve met.”

“What?” I squawk.

“Elle, seriously. You have this guy, who sounds wonderful and wants to do these mysterious list things with you and you leave romantic notes for him. I swear my life is so bland in comparison. Friday mornings reading here is the highlight of my week.” I shake my head slowly at her but a smile creeps over my face.

“You have no idea.” I laugh and just like that I feel like Jenna and I are destined for friendship.

“Well. Ok, so there’s a note waiting for him. Does he have any cute friends?”

“Yes there’s a note, and yes actually he has two really hot friends.”

“Next list item I want in.” She giggles.

“Deal. Well the piano thing tonight is the next one... but yes... after that.”

“No way! I’m showing up tonight to see if he shows!”

“Wait what?” I laugh.

“What song will you play? If you’re playing you should play something for him.”

“Shit! I didn't even consider that. I haven't played in ten years, the only thing I remember is Moonlight Sonata.” I tell her.

“Ohhhh... that’s dark and haunting and passionate. That’s good enough. What time?”

“Will you really come?”

“Of course! I have to see how this plays out now.”

“Fine. Six. I’m going to steal the piano at six. They don’t know I’m playing. I just have to do it.”

“This gets better and better. I love it!” She squeals as I blow out a breath. “Listen, I have to get back to work, but I’ll meet you at the hotel just before six.”

“Alright. Sounds good.” I tell her as we exit the cafe. She waves me off as she hustles down the sidewalk back to work. Now I just have to figure out what to wear and how to get enough piano time in without being kicked out before he shows. If he shows, I remind myself.

I’m a ball of nerves and it has little to do with hijacking the hotels piano. As promised Jenna is waiting just inside the lobby for me when I arrive.

“Ready?” She squeals.

“No! I’m a ball of nerves.”

“Oh stop. I’m sure he will come.”

“I’m glad one of us is.” I quip.