A Blessing for Miriam (39 page)

Ivan climbed into the buggy and turned toward the Yoder place. Billy objected to the direction with a jerk of his head, but he soon settled into his slow, steady gait. Ivan turned to look back at the graveyard until they took a side road north. Another buggy approached, and Ivan leaned forward to wave. Bishop Wagler stuck his head out and then pulled his horse to a stop. Billy had already begun to slow down, so the two buggies ended up side-by-side.

“
Gut
morning, Ivan.” Bishop Wagler’s concerned face peered at him. “How are you doing?”

“Out and about by myself, I guess.” Ivan managed a chuckle.

Bishop Wagler’s gaze went back down the road from where Ivan had come. A look of understanding crossed the bishop’s face. “It must be a difficult time for you.”

“
Yah
.” Ivan nodded. “I visited Laura by myself for the first time. Sort of saying goodbye, I guess. But how does one do that?”

The bishop was all sympathy. “None of us can carry or understand another’s sorrow fully, Ivan, and yet we can try. That’s what the community is here for, and you must ask us if you have needs. Are your chores being taken care of?”

Ivan nodded again. “
Yah
, my family helped, but I’m well enough now.”

“And your field work? Has Deacon Hochstetler been by to see you about that?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Ivan replied. “But thank you anyway. Laura only had a garden.”

The bishop chuckled. “I guess that’s right. You don’t farm. Well, it’s a little difficult to keep track of what everyone does. I’m getting old, you know.” The bishop sobered. “I’ve never lost a
frau
, yet the Lord has seen fit to take you through such dark waters at a young age. May the Lord’s grace be with you.”

“Thank you,” Ivan said.

The bishop regarded Ivan steadily again. “I know this might not seem like the time to speak of the matter, but keep your heart open to the Lord’s leading on another
frau
, Ivan. It’s not
gut
that a man should be alone, especially someone so young. We have at least one young widow in the community. I wanted to remind you of that. Some of our men feel guilty about such thoughts, but the Lord has made man to move on with his life. So surely there will be among our sisters an unmarried one who would be open to your attentions.”

Ivan swallowed twice. “I have thought of such a thing, but my heart still sorrows.”

“As it should.” The bishop clucked to his horse. “Don’t be forgetting what I said now.”

Billy turned his head to watch the bishop’s buggy leave, and Ivan had to slap the lines to make him move. “Come on, old boy, let’s get going. That’s another sign for me, I would say.” The bishop
spoke of Mary Troyer, Ivan told himself. Mary was hazy in his mind. He hadn’t paid that much attention to the women of the community while Laura was alive. He thought Mary had two small children from her short marriage with Mark Troyer.

Ivan let his mind turn to Miriam as he drove the final miles to the Yoder place. She would be heartbroken over her loss of Wayne, as he was over Laura. Ivan pushed that dark thought away. Miriam had once been convinced he tried to win her hand because of the farm she’d been given by the
Englisha
man she worked for. He’d always insisted there had been nothing to the accusation, but now that sorrow had ripped his heart open he saw a little more clearly. Perhaps Miriam had been right—at least in part.

Still, he was here, Ivan told himself, as he drove into the Yoder lane, and he wished to speak with Miriam. This relationship might go nowhere or Miriam could say no to his advances. After that, the bishop’s suggestion was the next thing to look into. It didn’t really matter to him right now. His heart hurt too much.

The barnyard was empty when Ivan pulled up to the hitching post. He climbed out of the buggy and left Billy untied again. He walked up the sidewalk, and Miriam’s
mamm
came to the door with a smile on her face. “
Gut
morning, Ivan.”

“
Gut
morning.” He was expected, Ivan told himself. He stood tall. “May I speak with Miriam?”

“She’s in the kitchen.” The smile still hadn’t faded. “I’ll tell her you’re here.”

“I’ll stay out here,” Ivan said. He waited on the porch. Miriam must already know he’d arrived, so the wait didn’t speak well for his chances of a happy outcome from this visit. Still, what did he expect? Miriam wouldn’t be easily won over, even under the most ideal of circumstances, which these were not. The door opened, and Miriam stepped outside. “Hello, Ivan.” Her face was unreadable.

He cleared his throat. “Sorry for the unexpected visit, but may I speak with you for a moment?”

She studied him. “That depends, I guess. Couldn’t you wait until Sunday?”

“So you do know what this is about?” The words came out quickly and awkwardly.

“
Daett
told me,
yah
, about your conversation.” She pointed toward the front porch rockers. “Shall we sit?”

He didn’t answer but led the way over to the rockers. He waited until Miriam had seated herself. “I’m sorry again about all of this. And your loss of Wayne.”

She looked at him. “I suppose you expect a wedding next month already?” Her voice was bitter.

Ivan drew in a long breath. “I’m sorry, Miriam, about what happened in Oklahoma. I really am. But I also have suffered my own great loss.”

She dropped her head and wiped her eyes. “
Yah
, I’m sorry for the way I sounded. There’s still some hurt. You must know that.”

Ivan hesitated for a moment. “
Yah
, I know.” This wasn’t the right time, but here he was. He began again. “You and I, Miriam, we go back a long way. I guess to our schooldays. You know I used to have affections for you. And now that Laura’s gone…” Ivan reached for Miriam’s hand, and she didn’t pull back. “I’m truly sorry about Wayne. I know the pain must be awful. You wouldn’t give your affections to a man halfway. But remember that I also loved Laura. She was close to my heart, and she loved me. She was bearing our child.” Tears welled up in his eyes again.

She nodded. “I’m sorry for your loss too, Ivan.”

He attempted to smile, but the lump in his throat wouldn’t let more words out.

“Maybe this is all too soon.” Her words were tender.

“Maybe,” Ivan conceded. “But I wanted to at least speak with you after your
daett
came over. I wouldn’t even have dared come otherwise.”

Her gaze was fixed on his face.

“Look.” Ivan stood. “I appreciate that you even came out of the house to speak with me. That’s how low I feel about everything. I know you didn’t have to, but you did. My head is still swimming about all that is happening. I–I–I, well, I visited Laura’s grave on the way over…”

Miriam’s hand reached over to touch his. “I understand. I wouldn’t refuse to visit with you, Ivan. Though a visit is hardly a promise to pursue a relationship. It’s way too soon for me, regardless of what
Daett
says.”

He squeezed her arm. “
Yah
, I was wrong to think it could be anything more this soon. But I had to come. Perhaps then sometime in the future we might speak more on this?”

“Maybe.” Her voice was soft. “But know this is
Daett
’s idea and not mine. I still sorrow deeply.”

“I understand,” Ivan said. “I’ll leave you then.” Miriam’s hand left his arm, and he found his way back down the porch steps. He walked across the lawn and climbed into the buggy. Only then did he look back and wave. Miriam was still standing on the porch, and her hand came up in response to his. She is a decent woman, Ivan thought as he drove out of the lane. But he’d felt nothing like what he used to. Still, they should try to see if Eli was right. Maybe the Lord would bring a blessing from their common great trial. They would have to see, that’s all he knew for now. This time the effort was honorable and aboveboard at least. For that he was thankful.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

M
iriam washed the dishes with a slow motion, her gaze fixed out the kitchen window. The yard was flooded with the dusty light of the late-Friday evening. Several of her younger siblings were playing prisoner’s base, the game her schoolchildren had enjoyed during recess. Likely they were missing school too. A tear crept into her eye at the thought. She missed her students…and Oklahoma, if the truth be told. Much more than she’d imagined. Baby Jonathon would have put on weight by the time she saw him again, and no doubt he’d be cuter than when she’d left him. Uncle William’s greenhouse would be rebuilt by then. But how lonely it would seem without Wayne working there. Could she bear it? She would have to heal more before she returned to Oklahoma this fall, that was certain.

“Please help me, dear Lord,” Miriam breathed as she washed another dish.

Footsteps came down the stairs, and Miriam looked up with a smile to greet Shirley. Her sister was dressed for an outing with
Glen, no doubt. The two were officially dating now. Miriam was glad.

“I hate to go out and leave you here hard at work,” Shirley said with a concerned look.

“I’m almost finished,” Miriam replied, lowering her head lest the tears come back again. Any sympathy from her family had that effect right now. “I’m so glad things are going well for Glen and you.”

Shirley smiled thinly. “I like the man, so perhaps it will work out. He’s being so kind to me.”

“The Lord will guide you,” Miriam offered.

A look of pain crossed Shirley’s face. “Sometimes my heart still mourns at what I’ve lost, but
Mamm
and
Daett
both think I’m on the right path. So maybe they know more than I do.”

“So you’re not dating Glen because you might be in love with him?”

Shirley shook her head. “Not yet anyway. I like the man though. What about Ivan and you? Can you even say you like him?”

Miriam bit her lower lip. “No, I can’t really. We both just have similar sorrows we’re working through.”

“Then you might be right for each other.” Shirley’s voice was guarded. “I hate to see you forced into something, Miriam.”

“I won’t be.” Miriam glanced out the kitchen window. “Here comes Glen. You’d better go out to him.”

Shirley followed her sister’s glance and then rushed for the front door.

Miriam couldn’t help but smile at her sister’s thinly veiled enthusiasm. Shirley liked Glen more than she cared to admit. And the two were suited for each other in more ways than either of them were aware. Perhaps as she and Ivan might be. The thought popped up from nowhere, and Miriam didn’t push it away. At the moment she felt too weak to fight or reason the matter through. For the
moment she would go with the flow and see where she ended up. Maybe life with Ivan wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Laura had loved him, and
Daett
and
Mamm
approved of the match. Was there not safety in that?

Doors slammed upstairs, and seconds later Lee and Mark burst into the kitchen. Both skidded to a stop at the sight of her.

Lee spoke first. “This is not
gut
.”

“I agree,” Mark seconded his brother.

“We need to take her with us,” Lee said as if Miriam wasn’t there.

Miriam chuckled. “I’m not going out with the two of you. My
rumspringa
days are long over.”

“Oh, come on!” Mark urged. “You need to stop moping and get out of the house.”

“I’m not moping,” Miriam protested.

“Have it your way,” Mark said.

The boys turned and raced out the door. Lee called over his shoulder, “Have fun then!”

Miriam smiled and waved from the kitchen window. Their joy did lift her spirits. They were young yet and hadn’t been through many sorrows. She didn’t wish suffering on either of them. That would come soon enough. But maybe they were right. Maybe she should go somewhere. But where? Well, there was one place where she would be welcome, and where her presence would make perfect sense. Ivan’s place. Maybe she could cook supper for him. They could see if their relationship could grow again—even return to what it once had been. She’d never been this bold with a man, but
Daett
and
Mamm
would likely approve. If they didn’t, Naomi might agree to accompany her. Miriam finished the last dish and entered the living room.
Mamm
looked up from the rocker where she was knitting.