A Death in the Wedding Party (12 page)

‘Wasn’t there to be a wedding rehearsal this morning?’ I asked.

‘Damn and blast it,’ said the Earl. He went to the fireplace and vigorously rang the bell. ‘Someone will have to tell the vicar he’s on double time!’

Is There a Doctor in the House?

‘She’s in here, doctor,’ said Rory unlocking Lady Stapleford’s door.

‘I can’t face it,’ cried Richenda. ‘Poor Stepmama!’ She swooned dramatically. No one caught her. She hit the floor with a dull thud.

Dr Threep, a man in his early thirties dressed in poor quality tweeds, and with glasses constantly sliding down his nose, gave a little ‘Eep!’

‘Is she alright?’ he asked.

‘Oh, aye,’ said Rory, ‘but she was that close to her wed …’ he coughed. ‘I mean that close to her stepmama. It’s affected her. Perhaps you’d be able to give her a sedative, doctor?’

‘No, I’m fi–’, began Richenda, struggling to her feet, but the Countess secured her by the arm. ‘I think that’s an excellent idea,’ she said. ‘I’ll see Richenda along to her room and you can see her afterwards, doctor. Her Highness can represent the household. My husband really can’t stand bodily fluids. The trouble I had getting pregnant you would not believe! And Robbins is a bit old for such things.’

And with that she left Rory and I with the doctor. ‘Is this the way the house normally runs?’ he asked Rory.

‘I’m afraid I couldn’t say, sir. Neither her Highness nor I are of this household.’

‘Then why? No, never mind. I think I’ll stick to the job at hand. You are aware, your Highness, that this is liable to be unpleasant.’

‘It was Rory, the housekeeper and I who discovered the body.’

‘Well, I only hope she kept the windows shut,’ said the doctor obscurely and flung the door wide. He stepped through. This time the stench was stronger. The natural procedure of dying had added other elements to the mess that doubtless Ratty would have found most uncomfortable. The window was open and flies were buzzing around … I felt the gorge rise in my throat. I took a step back into the corridor. Rory looked at me anxiously.

‘You’re guy white,’ he said under his breath.

‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘I’m not going in.’

‘My, my!’ said the doctor from within. ‘Not a pretty sight at all. I can definitely say she ate something that disagreed with her with monumental consequences.’ He sounded positively gleeful. ‘I’d need to perform an autopsy to be sure, but I think we can put it down to food poisoning.’ He came back to the doorway. ‘Any chance the family would let me do an autopsy?’ he asked.

‘Absolutely not,’ shouted Richard Stapleford, striding down the corridor. ‘Why was I not informed the doctor was here?’ he demanded.

‘I have no idea,’ I said coldly.

‘Well, I am here now and there can be no question of cutting up dear Mama.’

‘Isn’t that your brother’s decision,’ I asked. ‘As it is actually his mother and not yours?’

‘Good God, woman – I mean, your Highness! I don’t know how things are down in your country, but here we respect the dead.’

‘Just thought I’d ask,’ said the doctor. ‘Usually only get to practice my cutting skills on the odd sheep or pig one of the local farmers is feeling a bit iffy about.’

His mournful expression at the loss of Lady Stapleford’s cadaver in other circumstances would have been almost comical. I attempted to see past the general despicableness of the little man and focus attention on the real matter. ‘Did you notice the cup, doctor?’

‘Er,’ the medic blinked at me. ‘Pretty floral thing on its side with a smashed saucer?’

‘Yes, exactly. Did you happen to notice if it was full or empty?’

The doctor scratched his head and some of his scalp came away with his fingernails. He picked it out thoughtfully. ‘Empty, yes.’

‘And was there a corresponding stain on the carpet?’ I asked.

‘Just a mo,’ he said and ducked back into the room. Coming back out, ‘I see what you mean. Have the police been called?’ Obviously, apart from his unsavoury penchant for dead flesh, he knew mysterious circumstances when he saw them. He went up a notch in my estimation. Which still kept him at well below zero.

‘This is an Earl’s seat,’ thundered Richard, ‘we can’t have grubby-faced constables running riot though it. It’s not done.’

The doctor slid his glasses once more up his nose. ‘Why don’t we go and ask the Earl?’ he said. Rory locked the door and dropped the key in his pocket.

Ratty found himself confronted in the morning room by four people who all wanted something quite different from him. Richard blustered. The doctor warned him. I wanted the thing handled properly and Rory wanted permission to head back below stairs. Despite his early morning snifters with my grandfather I observed the Earl’s gaze kept slipping longingly towards the decanter, now back in its tantalus. The Earl drew his face into its craggiest wrinkles and said, ‘Where’s my wife?’

Rory leapt at this opportunity to get away from the limelight and went in search of the Countess. ‘I think you should come with me, doctor,’ he said. ‘You were going to give Miss Richenda a wee drop of something to calm her down.’

‘Oh yes. Yes, indeed,’ said Threep. ‘Don’t worry, Earl. I’ll be back in a moment.’

When the door had shut behind them the Earl sat down. ‘Pour us all a drink, will you Richard? Now the riff-raff’s gone we can discuss this thing properly.’

Knowing when he was outgunned, Richard did as he was bid, even going as far as to pour me a very, very, very small Scotch. Fortunately I have no liking for Scotch – the liquid kind at least. We all sat down around the fire. ‘Hopefully,’ said Ratty, ‘me wife will come back and tell us a few of the others had a gippy tummy last night, and then we can put it down to an acute sensitivity and unfortunate accident for Lady Stapleford.’

‘Glad to hear that, sir,’ said Richard.

Ratty frowned even harder. ‘I don’t mind admitting the food last night was particularly poor. Cook must have been out of sorts about something. But if we end up blaming the poor lady’s demise on her cooking I can tell you this household is in for a devil of time. Do you know how hard it is to get decent staff?’

‘Very hard,’ I chipped in. ‘And we certainly wouldn’t want the woman to carry a death on her conscience if in fact it was nothing to do with her.’

The Earl looked at me as if I was a pot plant that had just spoken. ‘Er, yes, my dear, quite.’

‘I don’t care about some servant’s blasted feelings, saving your presence, sir. I do care very much about some country doctor mauling about the body of my dead stepmother. By Gad, it’s not to be thought of!’

The Earl looked him steadily in the eye, ‘But you must see, my good fellow, that losing a cook is a very serious business.’ Richard shot to his feet and opened his mouth, but what blistering retort he had in mind we never heard as at this moment the Countess entered the room with Rory and the doctor following behind like ducklings with their mother. She came over and placed a hand on her husband’s shoulder. ‘No, dear, you mustn’t upset yourself, it’s not good for your heart.’ Rory and the doctor followed her into the room. The Countess turned a surprisingly stony countenance towards us all. ‘I have spoken with Mrs Merion, Cook and all the relevant servants. I can confirm there was a few mild cases of indigestion due to Cook falling below par last night. She had heard her nephew Tommy is up for poaching again.’ She patted the Earl’s shoulder. ‘I told her that you would sort it all out. Thank goodness the under-cook was on hand to deliver breakfast! Good enough girl in her way, but not a patch on Cook when she’s running to form. Should have her up and trotting for lunch today!’

‘That’s a relief,’ said the Earl.

‘I have also,’ continued the Countess, ‘spoken to Mrs Merion. She had some fears over our oyster suppliers. I can assume these were unfounded as no one else suffered any symptoms similar to the late Lady Stapleford.’

‘An allergy,’ said Richard Stapleford.

‘The cadaver does not present with signs that would suggest that was the cause of death,’ said Threep. Richard gave him a filthy look, but the doctor stood his ground and pushed his spectacles back up his nose with an almost defiant air.

‘Sadly, my dear, I fear we must inform the police we have an unexplained death. Isn’t Ronnie something to do with a police board or some such thing. Perhaps he could get us an amiable, cleverish sort of chap, who could tie this all up quickly?’

‘Is that really necessary,’ said Ratty. ‘We’re not really the sort that answer to, er – to that sort, are we?’

‘The problem,’ said Countess forestalling another outburst from Richard, ‘ is that we have Royalty present. Foreign Royalty.’ There was a weighty pause. Now was the time for Richard or I to disclose our deception. Our eyes met. I saw a challenge in his. If I gave myself up I would not be able to count on his support. I lowered my eyes, ashamed of myself. The Countess continued to speak. ‘This could be blown up into quite a diplomatic incident if we’re not careful. I’ve ordered the house gates to be closed, but we cannot trust the lower staff not to gossip or worse still attempt to sell the story to a, ‘ she swallowed and pronounced the next word with obvious distaste, ‘a newspaper man.’

‘Oh, by Gad, no!’ said the Earl. ‘This family has never had a scandal and we’re not having one now!’

The Countess raised an eyebrow.

‘You know what I mean,’ he said. We’ve never had outsiders involved in our business.’

‘That’s why I suggest we get someone calm and discreet to tie this all up.’

‘Yes, I see,’ said Ratty. ‘Brainy one, my wife.’

‘And the body?’ said Threep. His nose positively twitched with excitement making his glasses do a funny sort of jig.

‘I have had it removed to one of our cold stores. I’ve called for someone from the village to lay her out formally.’

‘But the police need to see the body at the scene of the crime,’ I said.

The Countess turned flinty eyes on me. ‘Those were some of my very best sheets. They are being boiled at this minute.’ She took a breath. ‘Not that I would want to appear obstructive. I will order that Lady Stapleford’s clothes are preserved in their current state and that apart from the bed the room will be left as it was found. If there is any further evidence I assume it will mainly be in the body of the deceased. Am I right, doctor?’

‘Oh yes,’ said Threep. ‘I have the perfect facilities.’

Richard roared in fury. ‘Stop that at once, young man. You will behave as a gentleman in the presence of ladies,’ said the Countess. Richard reddened. ‘I personally would prefer that Lady Stapleford had a quick and decent burial and we could all move on to a happier event. Hopefully my husband will be able to find a policeman who thinks in the same way.’

‘Thank you,’ said Richard. ‘I shall inform her son.’

‘I expect he would like to see her. The village women are quite adapt in the way of things and I should imagine he could safely say his farewells in around an hour without being unduly disturbed by her appearance.’

‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ I said.

The Countess looked shocked. ‘My dear, you are royalty. You should have nothing to do with this or anything else. Perhaps if you could all retire to your rooms and attempt to persuade any of the other guests to do the same. We could all spend a little time in reflection on the ephemeral nature of life. Hopefully by the time luncheon is served the police will have come and gone.’

So it was to be a white-wash. Rory opened the door for me. I could see he wasn’t happy about any of this either, but I could hardly discuss the matter with him. As I left the room I heard a snatch of whispered conversation between the Earl and his wife. ‘These young people. They don’t understand the importance of keeping a decent cook,’ said Ratty. ‘Or of decent linen,’ said the Countess with deep distain.

I returned to my room as I had been requested only to find Merry waiting for me. ‘So! So!’ she cried as I entered the room, bouncing up from her chair like an excitable puppy. ‘What’s going to happen?’ I told her the full extent of the conversation in the morning room.

‘A white-wash,’ said Merry, unknowingly echoing my own thoughts.

‘He could be a decent policeman,’ I said.

‘Please,’ said Merry, ‘there is two Earls present and one Countess, not to mention Your Highness’s royal self. There is no way he’d want to make trouble.’

‘Then we need to present him with uncontroversial proof,’ I said stoutly.

‘What you need is to watch your back,’ said Merry. ‘Ain’t it occurred to you that if the police find out who you really are then you’ll be in a heap of trouble. The Stapleford’s won’t back you up. They will say they were hoodwinked too.’

‘But it wouldn’t add up!’

Merry screwed up her face.

‘Merry! Are you feeling quite well?’

‘’Ang on, I’m thinking.’ The scowl faded. ‘Yep, reckon you’re right it wouldn’t add up. The only thing they could do to be sure would be to off you too.’

‘What? Then my identity would definitely come out!’

Merry nodded slowly. ‘True. But what if they made look as if you had killed yourself? Made it out you were so afraid of being caught out that …’

‘Merry, what on earth is giving you such ideas?’

‘See when you’re in your bed late tonight. You think about my words and see if they don’t make sense then.’

‘Who do you think did it?’ I asked trying to turn Merry’s mind to less ghoulish fantasies.

‘Richenda, Richard, Tipton or Bertram.’

‘Bertram!’ I said astounded.

‘Before I met you I didn’t know nothing about murdering, but if there’s anything these past two years have shown me, it’s that you never can tell who will do what and why.’

‘ It would have to be someone who knew her, wouldn’t it?’ I said. ‘Both the Earls, the Countess and Renard Layfette knew her. In fact she hated Renard Layfette and wouldn’t even allow his name to be mentioned in her presence. There’s a history there.’

‘And ’ow are you going to find about it?’

‘I’m going to ask him.’

Merry sighed. ‘I guess I’m going to have to watch out for you, aren’t I? Seeing as how you’re set on getting yourself into a whole heap of trouble. I don’t know what my Merrit’s going to say about it all. I really don’t.’