Authors: Kirsty-Anne Still
JANE
stood in the doorway
of her daughter’s hospital room and watched her as she stared at the wall with
heavy reddened eyes. She took in her daughter’s broken stance and she had never
thought she would see the day that she would have to witness her little girl in
such a state. She knocked as she swallowed her pride and realized she didn’t
hate her daughter, and she never had. She was just trying to keep the hurt from
coming out. Jane had lashed out and closed down to make
herself
unavailable to feeling the same hurt if her daughter left again. Now with the
secrets laid bare, it didn’t matter. She knew what had her daughter running and
she hated herself for never giving Austin the opportunity to build bridges
back.
Now, her own hurt aside, she was ready to be everything her daughter needed
and wanted her to be – her mother.
“Aussie,” Jane spoke up quietly trying to grasp her daughter’s
attention.
Turning her head slowly, Austin reached up and pulled down on the mask
to quiz her mother. “Why are you here?” Austin asked confused, her breathing
still as difficult as it were when Tom was here, her agitation not helping
matters. She was tired and in pain but she couldn’t bring herself to give into
the drugs when she was terrified of what dreams she would have now.
“I am so sorry,” Jane said as she came to sit down on Austin’s bed,
immediately she took Austin’s hand in hers. As she felt her daughter try to
withdraw she held on. “You’re not doing this alone.”
“
Ju
-just because I’m in the hosp-” Austin
breathed in to clear the hitch in her lungs, “Hospital, doesn’t mean
yo
-you have to b-be here.”
Jane refused to be easily pushed away. “I have been so wrong about
everything, Austin, and I nearly lost my daughter because of it. I didn’t take
the opportunity to have you back, I shunned you and pushed you out when I could
have taken you in my arms and had you back in my life like I’ve prayed for.”
“You ha-
hate
me,” Austin managed to say and looked away.
“Everyone hates me.”
“That’s not true, Baby. It’s really not,” Jane tried to prove to her
daughter she had it wrong.
Suddenly Austin caved and just gave into her mother’s overwhelming
presence here with her. “He didn’t love me did he?” Austin asked her mom as she
lost her reserve again. “It was always Natasha that he loved, wasn’t it?”
“Oh no, Austin, it was always you. It still is you. That man has never
been as lost as he was when you left him and believe me, he is still like
that,” Jane argued back, trying to remain calm.
“He said he hated me,” Austin began to cry again. “He started to hate me
long before I left,” Austin admitted heartbrokenly. Her mind was set on this
one warpath. All those moments that helped contribute to her leaving were now
parading around, striking her while she was already down. All those moments
that had created the gap between her and Tyler reared their ugly head and began
to beat at her. Each and every one of the memories doing so to prove that she
never stood a chance and it had taken this moment of clarity to really punish
her into a harsher reality.
Jane’s eyes watered, she never realized that her daughter was this lost
in life. “He could never hate you. He just lost something really important.
Much like you have,” Jane told her daughter and watched as Austin looked at her
with shock. “I wish you could have come to me about what happened with the
baby.”
Austin squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, “Dad always said that
if I got pregnant before marriage he would disown me and I did. I got pregnant
before Tyler and I were married.
Wh
-
when I lost the baby, I couldn’t face him or you. He
w-would just tell me it was a good thing and
th
-that
was the last thing I w-wanted to hear.”
“So you chose to run from the truth?” Jane asked as she wiped back some
of Austin’s hair and caught the gauze hiding another burn to her forehead.
“I thought it’d be the best idea,” Austin admitted and then exhaled
painfully and put the oxygen mask back on as she felt her energy dip
completely. She was physically and emotionally spent. Six years had finally
broken her.
Jane smiled at her daughter, “I’m not leaving you unless you want me
to.” She told her and saw Austin smile slightly. She wanted to say more, really
beginning to repair their relationship when a knock came from the door. She
felt rendered motionless, scared to leave her daughter with whoever was here.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Austin’s doctor said as he came in. “I didn’t
realize Miss Pearson would have any company at this time. We did scale down
visitors to just Tom.”
“Sorry, I just needed to see my daughter,” Jane said as she slipped her hand
down to take Austin’s hand.
“That’s fine,” he smiled at them and could see that Austin needed her
mother more than ever. “I’m just here to check on Austin that’s all,” he told
Jane and then grabbed Austin’s chart before beginning to check her vitals over.
“What’s going to happen with the burns?” Jane asked as she watched the
male doctor check on Austin, running the basic checks of blood pressure, pulse,
breathing, oxygen saturation. She wondered how he and Tom were able to do this
job and not feel emotionally conflicted. The thought had always made her feel
faint hearted, but seeing the doctor doing so
,.
she
was amazed at how easy he made it seem.
“We’re going to do another operation that will fix skin grafts onto the
top of her arm and side. The surgery we did earlier was to clean them.
Initially to help get most of the burns ready for successful skin grafts and
help prevent infections from occurring. For now we will be doing the normal
procedure of changing the bandages and keeping the burns clean and will
continue to do so after the skin grafts are put in place. We need to make sure
we don’t look at a rejection to the grafts,” the doctor said, his voice never
changing in octave, never getting tense. “Other than that we have gotten Austin
as comfortable as possible. She’s on high oxygen because of the smoke
inhalation that occurred and she’s on high alert for the meantime.”
“These operations,” Jane started and looked at Austin and could see the
fear in her daughter and realized that nothing had changed since her childhood,
“They’re relatively simple right?”
The doctor smiled at Jane and nodded before starting, “Very, its routine
and the benefits will be enormous in terms of the second and third degree burns
to Austin’s arms and side.” The doctor continued to tell Jane with ease. “We’re
lucky to have a burn unit in this hospital that Austin could have been rushed
to and have the most effective care as soon as possible. It’s going to be a
long recovery, but I hope to make it a smooth one.”
Jane nodded and looked at Austin as she lay silent and still, bordering
the cusp of sleep. Her eyes were almost lifeless as she slowly gave way to the
exhaustion claiming her and Jane’s heart sunk. “So what’s happening now?” Jane
asked and looked back to the doctor. “What is being done for Austin’s health
right now?”
“Right now we have Austin hooked up on fluids and morphine,” he
commented as he wrote on the chart. “The fluid resuscitation that we are
administering intravenously will help Austin’s body get back the fluids that
she dramatically lost. We’re also monitoring Austin for
hypovolamic
shock and making sure her blood pressure doesn’t drop too low or shoot through
the roof. We’re going to have her on twenty-four seven watch and then possibly
tomorrow, or even later this evening, we’ll look at how extensive we need to be
with her treatment.”
“So her burns are going to be left for the rest of tonight?” Jane
questioned. Now she was here she wanted the best port of call for her daughter.
She wanted everything done, she wanted no time wasted. She knew it was
irrational but, she felt like there was more to be done.
The doctor gave a nod, “We’ve removed the dead skin cells and already
began to skin graft the most severe burns, but we are confident that Austin has
next to no nerve damage as of yet which is a promising thing to note. Believe
me, this will all prove worthwhile in the long run. There are processes for
dealing with burns and we all have Austin’s health in mind.” He smiled at Jane
and looked at Austin, “It seems the new dose of morphine is working and it’s
wise that Austin has the least amount of stress possible. I mean that. She
can’t afford to have her health compromised at the moment. She was lucky to be
only burnt as little as she was but that doesn’t mean she’s more stable than
someone who has been burnt more. These next twenty-four hours are still
crucial.”
“I understand,” Jane vowed her clarity on the moment and looked at
Austin and ran a hand around Austin’s face as though she were her little girl
all over again. “Thank you, Doctor.”
“No worries, Mrs. Pearson,” the doctor replied. “We won’t have as strict
restrictions on visitors for today, but you need to keep it quiet and if we
feel there is too much stress you will be asked to leave.” Watching Jane nod he
smiled, “I’ll see you in a couple of hours if there are no complications.”
Jane sat for a moment looking at her daughter as she now lay insentient
with sleep. She smiled sadly as she tried to hold it together. “I wish you had
just told me, Austin. I would have made sure nothing bad would have happened.”
With her piece said she went and got Tom and turned her back as she saw
Tyler walking down the corridor, face wrecked with emotions, determination in
his eyes.
Until Austin woke up, he was staying outside the room
.
TOM
leapt from his seat,
angst fuelling his system as he attempted to read his mother’s expression but
he was exhausted beyond belief and he wasn’t sure if he was reading too far
into them. There was a streak of defiance, beaten pride and motherly concern,
but he didn’t want to know if guilt was just aiding this moment. With Tyler
just turning up, Tom had felt his nerves really begin to fray. “Does she want
you back?”
Looking at her son, she gave a small hopeful nod and felt her eyes
water. “I know it’s going to be slow, but it’s going to get better.”
“I know it is,” Tom agreed and felt a new air surround him. He was
confident that life was going to get better. However, as he turned to Tyler, he
could see the man mentally arguing with himself over this situation. He wanted
to press him to say something, to make a move, but it seemed that Tyler was one
step ahead of him already.
“Can I go in to her see?” Tyler asked the moment silence settled in and
calm wrapped itself around them securely. He looked passed Jane at Austin as
she now slept restlessly and his gut twisted at how fragile she looked, at how
swallowed she looked by the medical equipment. He wanted to be the guy that
made her feel safe in this terrifying environment. He wanted to be the Tyler he
was six years ago.
Jane shook her head, “That’s not going to happen just yet.”
Tyler’s expression fell and he felt desolate and vulnerable at not
knowing what to do. “Please, Jane, I need to see her.”
“How could you tell her you hated her? How dare you come here and say
you need to see her when you told her you hated her!” Jane asked him as her
tone began to heat up. She didn’t care that she was going to sound like a
hypocrite now; she was here to protect her daughter. Hypocrisy would wait.
“I was just lashing out,” Tyler defended himself quickly.
“You lashed out and look what happened! She believes you hate her and
always loved Natasha. She thinks you hated her even when she was still here.
She believes you stopped loving her,” Jane spoke out with what she had briefly
learned from Austin before the doctor had stepped in. “I am sorry for
everything that has happened to you, Tyler, but that girl deserves a break from
this life right now. Austin doesn’t need someone who is only here for himself.”
“I’m with my mom here, man,” Tom stepped in and looked at Tyler with
utter disappointment. “How could you tell her that and then be here?”
“Because I want her back in my life!”
Tyler tried to not
raise his voice, but it didn’t matter. The nurses down the corridor were
staring at them as the last syllable fell from his lips and he knew they were
ready to pounce and break up this moment. He shot an apologetic look and
allowed himself to exhale heavily, and spoke this time with a lowered, more
hushed tone, “I’m not here for just me. I’m here for Austin, I am. When I saw
her in that house, I didn’t think of Natasha once. The only thought in my head
was that I was never going to get a future with Austin. I could only imagine
losing her for good. Before, she was at least alive, I had my chance to get her
back. When I saw that fire, I realized that there was a chance I’d tested fate
too much and lost my chance.”
Tom and Jane stopped all other tirades from happening as he admitted
that. They could fight him, but the man before them was weak and pathetic and
he just exhausted himself emotionally to them.
“How fucked up am I that I was panicking that I would lose her from my
life and I was committed to another woman?” he admitted to them, and he was
feeling like he was crashing fast. “I should be with the woman that lost my
baby days ago and I can’t. I can’t face her because the woman that lost my baby
years ago is now lying in a hospital bed.” He put his hands onto his head and tried
to remain calm, “And the worse thing is that I know Natasha is hiding something
from me. I haven’t been able to look at her since she told me she lost the baby
and now?” He looked at them, “What are the chances that the only two women I
gave myself to both lost my babies? It’s not possible!”
Jane felt her heart skip a beat at how broken Tyler was becoming as he
emptied his inner most hidden feelings, but she could see that Tom wasn’t going
to take this quite as lightly as she was.
“How can you say that when you were an asshole to Austin?”
Tom asked, trying to
make sense of this all. “There’s more to this right now than those miscarriages
and I want to know one thing.”
“What’s that?” Tyler asked warily and he knew full well what he was
going to hear wasn’t going to be to his liking. However, he needed redemption;
he needed to take the pain before he could get what he wanted.
“Who are you going to be here for?” he asked, “Austin or Natasha?” he
continued with his questioning and he watched Tyler, “Because I don’t want you
to be here to run off to Natasha. Austin is in a bad way and I can tell you now
that she cannot cope with you flittering between her and Natasha. I’m sorry to
be mean, but I am looking out for my sister this time around. She gave you up years
ago because first, she thought it would be better and second, because you
abandoned her in more ways than one. She won’t cope if you abandon her again,
Tyler. I’m telling you that now. So who are you going to be here for?”
And just like that, Tyler made the harshest, rashest decision of his
life, “Austin.”
“Are you sure?” Tom approached his decision with caution. He was well
aware that Tyler was a volatile man. “Because it appeared that you chose
Natasha a few days ago. Or was that a lie that you’re getting married in two
days time?”
Tyler’s breathing tightened. He couldn’t marry Natasha now; he couldn’t
bring himself to walk down the aisle to make an honest woman of her. He knew he
never truly loved her, but after years of denial, Tyler had found himself in a
new form of love. One he believed was true love, but the moment he saw Austin
again, he knew he was a fool. This wasn’t love, this was deceit, it was a
comfort relationship,
it
was only something to fill
the void left in his heart when Austin disappeared years ago.
“I’m not marrying her,” he told the pair and saw their shock filtering
into the features. He knew it was all happening too fast, but he needed to make
these decisions now and he had to find Natasha and figure out her part in all
of this.
Tom then took it upon himself to broach a darker matter. One that Tyler
needed to know. “I don’t care if I get arrested for this or you report me to
the hospital and I lose my job, but I pulled Austin’s and Natasha’s medical
files,” Tom admitted and saw Tyler react immediately.
“And?”
Tyler dared Tom to continue. He wasn’t thinking like an officer. Right
now, he was a desperate man searching for answers.
“You can read for yourself another day, but Austin was discharged with
conservative aftercare for a miscarriage, which included a follow up with an
OB/GYN, whereas Natasha had absolutely nothing. If she miscarried she would
have needed that same follow up appointment, Tyler.”
“So I’ve been grieving something that never happened?” Tyler
quizzed,
his mind
unraveling
.
“I don’t know the details, but I would assume so,” Tom dabbled with the
truth of the girls’ medical files.
Placing his hands to his head, Tyler began to pace uncontrollably. “My
life is so fucking messed up. Oh God, I’ve fucked up so much.”
“Like I said, Tyler, you can make it right,” Jane stepped in, wiping at
her cheeks to clear the tears that had fallen. She stepped in to cut off
Tyler’s pacing and saw how defeated and broken he actually was. Now she saw him
free of his shield, his walls broken, she realized that Tyler looked as broken
as Austin did.
“How can I, Jane? I was angry and I was an asshole!” he tried not to
yell but he was losing his ability to keep calm. “I was angry! I was fucking
furious with her but I could never fucking hate her. Never and Austin now
thinks that! The woman I allowed in, never fucking loved me, she wanted one up
on Austin and she got it didn’t she?”
“Tyler, you have the opportunity to make this all right now,” Jane tried
to be a voice of reasoning. “Do what’s right and sort it all out.” She saw the
man was hard to be moved, “Tyler, talk to me, what are you feeling for Austin
right now?”
Suddenly, Tyler’s eyes widened, “All I ever felt for her is love and I’m
scared to let her back in completely because she disappeared once, and I’m
terrified she’ll do it again. How do I just give in and change my life again
when it took so long for me to fix it.”
“You never did fix it though did you?” Tom asked solemnly, “If you had
you wouldn’t be like this.”
And there it was – the cold, harsh truth. Tyler Armstrong was a man in
denial of his past.
And for the first time since finding Austin gone after
that fateful night, Tyler sat down and began to cry.