A French Affair (48 page)

‘I'm here, Mum,' Natalie called out, but Jessica couldn't see her. ‘I'm here,' Natalie shouted again.

Jessica turned round and round, looking at the ceiling, the walls, the windows. She had no idea where she was, she only knew that Natalie was nearby and she had to find her before she fell.

‘Mum!
Mum
!' Natalie cried.

‘Natalie, no!'

Jessica came awake with a start. Her heart was pounding and her skin was chill with sweat. The
dream had felt so real, as though everything had happened right here in this room just seconds ago. Even the screams still seemed to resonate in the clammy air.

Finding it hard to breathe, she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. The nightmare still wouldn't leave her, so in the end she went downstairs to make some tea.

After a while she started to feel calmer, but as her mind finally relinquished its hold on Natalie, she was left facing the other nightmare in her life – how close she'd come to betraying Lilian.

But nothing had happened between her and Luc, she kept reminding herself. No promises had been made, and she had no right to be feeling cheated now. Nor could she allow herself to go on regretting all the times she could have given herself to him and hadn't, because if she had she'd be feeling even worse now than she already was. So somehow she needed to accept that they weren't meant to be together, not even for a night, which was why fate had stepped in to save them from themselves.

However, telling herself these things and believing them was one thing, putting an end to the feelings was another altogether. She kept going over and over all the times they'd spent together, wishing she'd behaved differently, while knowing how much she'd detest herself now if she had. She loved Lilian so much. How could she even begin to regret not betraying her, as if her feelings weren't already a betrayal enough? The truth was, she really didn't want to hurt her, so she must only think now of how fortunate it was that Luc hadn't fallen for her in the same way she had for him, because if he had . . . But no, she couldn't let her mind
go there, she just couldn't, it would serve no purpose other than to deepen her guilt and intensify her shame.

It was almost dawn by the time she went back to bed, but she only tossed and turned, until finally, knowing how distorted the world could become through lack of sleep, she decided to put some distance between herself and Valennes, even if only for a while. It might help to clear her mind, or at least instil some rational thoughts into the chaos that was milling around inside her.

She took only her purse and car keys, deliberately leaving her mobile behind, for she really didn't want to speak to anyone right now. Nor was she going to look up at the
manoir
as she reversed her car out, because she didn't want to imagine him sleeping, or making love, or even lying in the same bed as someone else. It hurt too much, and she simply didn't have the right to feel that pain.

As she drove towards the village she had no clear idea of where she was going to go, or how long she would be, but it hardly mattered. All that did was that she should stop listening to the madness inside her that was telling her she couldn't give him up, because it wasn't true. He'd never been hers in the first place, nor would he ever be, so she must make herself understand that somehow she'd allowed her feelings to run out of control, and now, for her own sake, as well as everyone else's, she had to get a grip.

In the end she pulled into a lay-by somewhere close to Macon and turned off the engine. She was reminding herself now of why she'd come to Valennes in the first place, which was to follow her instincts about Natalie. Just please God don't let the truth of what had happened make things any worse than they
already were. It was simply her mother hiding a lover. No-one had done anything to Natalie, she knew that already. So it was all just a terrible accident . . . But why would her mother lie? Why? Why? Why?

Putting her hands to her head she pressed them in hard, as though to stop her mind going round and round. She must make herself think of something else, something less painful that would not wring her heart and conscience. Almost immediately her thoughts went to Nikki and Harry, but they provided no release. Picturing their faces brought such a deluge of love into her heart that she felt utterly wretched for not being in London now, when Harry was on his way back from Devon, and Nikki was packing for Norfolk. She should be there to sweep her boy into her arms as he bowled in through the door, and to tell Nikki that she could borrow whatever clothes and make-up she needed. Why hadn't she thought about this sooner? She could have flown back for the weekend to be with them, then returned with Harry on Monday. The answer, of course, was that she'd been too distracted by other things, things that shouldn't matter, and didn't, but dear God they felt as though they did, and right now she didn't know how she was ever going to make them stop.

It was past one o'clock when she returned to the cottage. She knew it would have been naive to hope she might return feeling less confusion, but at least she seemed calmer inside than when she'd left. She looked around, but there was no sign of anyone. Everything was perfectly still and hot and as beautifully benign as it had ever been.

Once inside she checked her phone, knowing there would be no message from Luc, but unable to stop
herself hoping anyway. When there wasn't the disappointment was terrible, so in an effort to get past it and focus her mind on where it should be, she rang Charlie.

‘Hi, is Harry back yet?' she said when he answered.

‘Apparently they're just past Reading, so not long now.'

‘You must be looking forward to seeing him. I know I am.'

‘Of course. It's been pretty quiet around here without him. Without you both.'

She smiled and felt her heart fill with affection. ‘I miss you too,' she said. ‘I'll be glad when Wednesday's here.'

‘Will you pick me up at the airport?' Then before she had a chance to reply he put a hand over the receiver and shouted, ‘Yes, I'm speaking to her now. Nikki's been trying to get hold of you,' he told her. ‘I think she wants to raid your wardrobe. Correction, I think she's already doing it, and is getting herself worked up because you've taken things with you that she wants to take with her.'

Jessica had to laugh. ‘I'll talk to her in a minute,' she said. ‘Have you managed to get hold of Maurice or my mother yet?'

The brief pause before he answered was enough to tell her the question had annoyed him. ‘I haven't had a lot of time,' he said, ‘but I'll try later.'

‘Why don't you give me the number, and I'll try?'

‘You can have it, but what are you going to do? Yell at her down the phone again? It's never got you anywhere yet.'

Sighing, she said, ‘No, you're right, it hasn't. I just need to know . . .'

‘Darling, I'm aware of what you want to know, so I'll try to find out. OK?'

‘OK. I just wish you weren't being so hostile about it. I mean, you surely want to know too.'

‘Of course, but I've got other things on my mind right now.'

‘More important than Natalie?'

‘Don't be absurd. It's not a contest. It's simply that life goes on. For you too, if you'd let it.'

Feeling her throat tightening, she said, ‘I'm not in the mood to fight, so let's leave it there. Just promise me you'll try to call them later, and if you can't get anything out of my mother, you'll at least arrange to see Maurice before Tuesday.'

‘I'll do my best,' he assured her. ‘Now, do you want to talk to Nikki?'

‘Yes.'

As she waited Jessica found herself staring down at the copy of
Suite Française
Luc had given her, and began idly turning the pages. There hadn't been a happy end for Lucile and her German, she was thinking, nor for Modi and Jeanne. It made her realise that there was never a happy end to anything, because the only real end was death . . .

‘Are you still there?' Charlie said. ‘She's on the phone to Sophie, or Camilla or whoever the heck it is, then she has to go and meet Freddy, so she'll call you later.'

‘OK. She's all right about me not being there, is she?'

‘She seems to be. I'm sure she'll let you know if she's not.'

Sure of it too, Jessica told him she loved him and rang off. Then, feeling weighted by tiredness, she took herself upstairs to lie down on the bed Natalie had used.

As she inhaled the scent of fresh sheets and dried lavender flowers she turned her face to the pillow, wanting to hug everything to her, squeeze it and love it, as though it were Natalie herself. She thought of the dream last night, and then of Harry, and felt tears burning her eyes. She could hardly wait to see him. Her son, her boy, the most precious little soul in the world, who was arriving on Monday. When he came she would give him the time of his life, spend as many hours with him as he wanted, and be as close to him as she'd ever been.

She was sobbing almost without realising it. She longed for her precious girl so much that she just couldn't bear it. Her silky hair, her little white teeth, her impish eyes and those lovely gangly limbs that wrapped themselves around her mother as though they might never let go. Why did God have to take her away? Why couldn't she have fallen and been injured, instead of having to die? It just didn't seem right. She'd been so full of life, and had so much to look forward to.

‘Oh Natalie, my darling,' she choked. ‘Where are you now? Are you here? Can you see me?' She turned onto her back and looked up at the beams overhead, knowing she should try to sleep, but feeling almost afraid to, because all the pain and heartache would only be waiting when she woke up.

Hearing her mobile ringing in the kitchen below, she pulled herself up from the bed and went down to answer it. It was Nikki, full of excitement about her approaching holiday, and determined to spare Jessica no detail of all she had planned, particularly for her eighteenth. Jessica knew Charlie was going to give her a cheque so she could afford a party – then suddenly wanting to be there to share it, she started to cry.

‘I'm sorry, darling,' she said, trying to pull herself together. ‘I shouldn't get emotional like this. It's just that I miss you and I feel Dad and I should be throwing a party for you.'

‘But I'm really cool with it being like this,' Nikki assured her. ‘Freddy's going to be there and all our friends, so you don't have to be upset. We can go out for dinner when you come back. It'll be much more your thing than having all us lot traipsing through the house.'

‘Are you sure you don't mind? It seems so wrong to me . . .'

‘Hello! I just told you, Freddy's going to be there, and as much as I love you guys, he's the one I really want to be with. Can you understand that without being hurt?'

Jessica smiled. ‘Yes,' she said. ‘Yes, of course.'

‘I'll call you on the day, obviously,' Nikki assured her. ‘Well, I'll call you every day, the way I always do. And Dad'll be with you by then, so you can drink a glass of champagne together and try to get over being the parents of an
eighteen-
year-old daughter.'

Though Jessica laughed, the reality of Nikki's age was more sobering than she cared to admit. It was a sign of how time was passing, carrying her along at a speed she really didn't want to go, taking her away from Natalie, and the dreams that hadn't come true, with no chance now of ever realising them.

‘You're not still crying, are you?' Nikki demanded.

‘No.'

‘Good, because I have to go. I wanted to be here when Harry got back, but I'll have to see him later. Oh God, look at the time. Love you, Mum. Love you, love you.'

‘Love you too,' Jessica said, and found herself swallowing another lump in her throat as she rang off.

She was much too emotional today, far too close to the edge, so she must at least try to get some sleep. However, she got no further than the foot of the stairs before her phone rang again.

This time it was Lilian, sounding happy, breezy and full of laughter. ‘I'm sorry I haven't rung all morning,' she said, ‘but I don't expect you have much of a problem guessing why. Anyway, I've just spoken to Daniella and she's invited us over there for lunch on Sunday, so I'll bring the jewellery and the two of you can take your pick. And you'll be here for the party tonight, of course. Fernand's invited the Schmidts who are staying in the other cottage, and the whole family, naturally, and there's another couple due to arrive from Brittany later today. If they get here in time, they'll be included too.'

Jessica desperately wanted to say she couldn't make it, but how could she when a part of the reason she'd come was to spend time with Lilian? Besides, what excuse could she give that wouldn't worry Lilian, and that the others wouldn't see straight through? So all she could say was, ‘Yes, of course I'll be there.'

Lilian sounded delighted, then regretful as she said, ‘I was hoping we could get together this afternoon, but Luc's about to take me to the studio to see my sculpture, then we're going into town to pick up a few things Fernand needs for tonight. Actually, there's no reason you can't come with us, if you'd like to.'

‘No, it's fine,' Jessica responded, probably far too quickly. ‘I have a few things to do before Harry arrives.'

‘OK, but we'll be around for another hour if you
change your mind. Otherwise, Fernand wants everyone here about seven.'

‘I'll look forward to it,' Jessica replied. As she put the phone down she found herself so close to tears again that this time she turned off her mobile, before going upstairs in the hope that she'd finally manage to fall asleep. If she didn't, she really couldn't see how she'd be able to cope with this evening.