A Girl's Guide to Moving On (32 page)

“You promise not to tell him I gave you the information?” I could feel her wavering.

“I promise.”

“Unless it turns out really well. Then you can tell him, okay?”

“I'll do whatever you want; just let me know where I can find him.”

Kaylene paused. “The only reason I'm telling you is because he's been in a wicked mood ever since you two split. This better help, because if it gets any worse, I'm moving out.”

“You can live with me,” I promised. If she didn't tell me soon, I was going to scream.

“Dad went out to have a beer.”

I inwardly groaned because I knew exactly where Rocco had gone. I thanked Kaylene, inserted my key in the ignition, and headed out. I was a woman on a mission and I refused to be thwarted. The weather was foul, with an ice storm threatening. I didn't care if there was a tornado warning blaring; I was going to find Rocco.

I drove to the tavern, parked, and squared my shoulders. I was ready to face the beast. I walked inside and it took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. It seemed the entire place went still. I saw Rocco sitting at the bar with his back to me, his shoulders hunched, discouraging conversation. He must have noticed the change in the atmosphere, because he glanced over his shoulder. His gaze landed on me, but I saw no sign of recognition. His expression remained blank as he turned back to drinking his beer.

I sauntered up to the bar like I did this every day of the week and took a seat two stools down from Rocco. The bartender looked at me and then at Rocco.

“What can I get you?” he asked.

“Give me a shot of fireball whiskey,” I said, looking for liquid courage. I'd never had a straight shot in my life. Sam had ordered it the night we'd played pool. The bartender set the glass down in front of me. I took my first sip and thankfully didn't choke, although my eyes started to water. I swear it made my teeth go soft.

I didn't look at Rocco and he didn't look at me.

Five minutes passed before Sam came and sat on the other side of me, leaving the two empty spots between me and Rocco open.

“How's it going?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Not so well lately.” I chanced a look in Rocco's direction. He gave no indication he'd heard me, not that I expected he would. “I made a stupid mistake,” I added, watching Rocco out of the corner of my eye.

Nothing.

“What kind of mistake?” Sam asked.

Before I could answer, Rocco slid off the stool, slapped some cash down on the counter, and reached for his coat.

I was not letting him go until I'd had a chance to talk to him. Grabbing my purse, I set money on the counter and followed Rocco outside. He started walking away at a clipped pace.

As best as I could, I kept up with him until he finally whirled around and faced me, his eyes as hard as the threatening ice storm.

“What?” The lone word was shot at me with the strength and speed of a bullet.

For one crazy minute all I could do was stare at him. It took every ounce of restraint I possessed not to launch myself into his arms. When I spoke, it was directly from my heart. All I could do was pray he saw that and knew I was sincere.

“I love you, Rocco.”

He shook his head. “Not good enough.” He turned and started to walk away.

Well, that hadn't gone the way I'd hoped. I raced after him, my boots slipping and sliding on the slick sidewalk. “It damn well better be good enough,” I shouted.

He increased his pace.

“I just put Owen's and my entire future on the line for you.”

Nothing. He showed absolutely no response.

“Did you hear me?” I shouted.

Nothing.

He rounded the corner and I saw his truck parked three spaces down. He had his keys in his hands. He flicked a button and I heard the car beep, indicating it was unlocked. He walked around to the driver's side and opened the door.

I was growing desperate. He had to listen. He had to understand.

“Jake was going to fight me for custody—” I didn't get any further when my feet flew out from under me and I lost my balance. My arms flailed in a whirlwind motion before I went crashing down on the sidewalk. I landed on my side, hitting my shoulder hard. For a minute I was too stunned to move or speak or even breathe.

Rocco was already seated in his truck. He had the engine running. For the longest moment neither one of us moved.

I tried to get up and failed, sliding to my butt. I could feel the cold and ice seep into my jeans, but still I couldn't move. My heart ached in equal parts with my shoulder and hip. All I could do was stare at Rocco, sitting in his truck, glaring at me.

Rocco climbed out of the truck and came to stand on the curb. “You hurt?” he asked, his voice devoid of sympathy.

“I could use a hand up.” I stretched out my arm. My entire body throbbed, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart.

Rocco helped me to my feet as his gaze assessed me. “You sure you're not hurt?”

I nodded, although I wasn't sure of anything at the moment. We stood on the sidewalk doing nothing more than staring at each other. I tried to speak and couldn't. Tears fell down my face, but I refused to look away.

I could see Rocco fighting within himself. He stepped back and I was convinced he was going to leave me. “I told you we're done.”

In response, all I could manage was to shake my head.

He turned away.

I couldn't bear it. I couldn't watch. Looking down, I closed my eyes. Tears dripped off the end of my nose, falling onto the sidewalk, freezing instantly. That's what Rocco's heart was doing. He was freezing me out.

“Is that what you want?” I asked, stopping him. The door to his truck was open.

He stood still with his back to me.

“You said…you didn't know what it was to love someone to the point you'd be willing to die for them.”

He didn't move.

“I love you enough to risk losing custody of my son. If that's not good enough for you, Rocco, then nothing ever will be. Go ahead, turn me away…” I had to stop because my voice wobbled terribly. “But if you do…if you do…” I couldn't say anything more.

Then, with a groan, Rocco turned back to me and within seconds his arms wrapped around my waist. He held me against him as if the world was about to come to an end, his grip so tight I couldn't breathe. Sobbing, I buried my face in his neck.

I don't know how long we stood like that. I didn't care if we ever moved. After what seemed like an eternity Rocco released a shuddering breath and eased his hold on me, letting my feet settle back down on the sidewalk.

“Please,” I whispered. “Please love me enough to give us a chance.”

He closed his eyes as if still fighting within himself.

“Rocco, please,” I whispered again.

He exhaled, squeezing his eyes shut, as if getting the words out brought him horrible pain. “God help me, I do love you.”

“I was afraid and I was stupid. I'm fighting Jake…I don't care how much it costs. I can't lose you.”

His grip on me tightened as his hands bunched up my coat. I sobbed once and clung to him. He kissed me then, his lips punishing, but I didn't care. Just being in his arms was like heaven; it felt like I was coming home.

He broke off the kiss and his eyes held mine steady. “Jake threatened to take Owen away from you?”

My hands framed his face. “He's going to file for custody. I've decided to fight him.” If what Cassie said was true, Jake would back down. Either way, I wasn't going to let my ex-husband manipulate me.

Rocco kissed me again. “That's why…”

I nodded. I couldn't stop looking at him even when my eyes blurred with tears.

“Let me deal with Jake,” Rocco said gently, and his kiss was a promise.

I couldn't let him do that. “This is my battle.”

“No,” he insisted. “It's ours together.”

We started to leave and when I took my first step pain shot up my leg and I nearly collapsed. Thankfully, Rocco had his arm around me and caught me before I fell again.

“You're hurt.” His concern was immediate.

“No,” I countered. “I've never felt better in my life.” Ten broken bones would have been worth it if that fall brought Rocco back to me.

It shocked me how quickly Sean's health declined. Other than that one week in which he worked part-time, he never returned to the office. He worked from home for another week and then gave it up entirely.

As we headed into Christmas I found myself spending more and more time with him until it became far more convenient for me to stay at the house full-time. I worried when I left Sean at night, fearing that if he fell he wouldn't have the strength to get up off the floor. What shocked me was how few real friends he had. I knew if our situations were reversed I could always count on Kacey. A couple of the guys from the club came to see him, but that was it and they only stopped by the one time. Even people he'd worked with for years made only token visits.

As best I could I tried not to think about Nikolai. I wondered if he thought of me or if he'd put me out of his heart as effectively as he'd put me out of his life. A hundred times, perhaps more, I was tempted to reach out to him and call or text him. Then I realized I couldn't, not when Sean needed my full attention.

The Friday before Christmas Jake stopped by to see his father. Sean sat in his recliner, an afghan covering his legs. No matter how high I turned up the furnace, Sean couldn't seem to get warm. He'd lost almost fifteen pounds by this time, as his appetite was practically nonexistent. I did my best to coax him to eat, often without success.

“How you feeling, Dad?” Jake asked, scooting an ottoman next to the recliner and leaning forward.

“Better today, I think.” Sean offered his son a weak smile.

I knew that wasn't the case. The doctor had just upped his pain medication, which he hated because he swore it made him sick to his stomach, and the nausea meds didn't seem to have an effect. The drugs were responsible for how sleepy he was. Sean slept several hours every afternoon and was often ready for bed by seven at night.

“Funny how life boils down to the news, the weather, and daytime television,” Sean said, making an effort to joke.

He looked to me and his eyes grew warm with love and appreciation. I'd never thought to see that in the man I'd divorced.

“Don't know that I'd make it another day if not for your mother,” he told Jake. “She's a good woman.”

Jake looked at me and nodded. “She is.”

“I never appreciated her the way I should have, and it cost me.”

“And me,” Jake whispered.

I wasn't sure Sean heard him as he drifted off to sleep shortly afterward. Jake was referring to the fact that his own marriage had failed as he'd followed in his father's footsteps.

Our son joined me in the kitchen and I could tell he had something on his mind. “You got a minute, Mom?”

“Sure. What's up?” I asked. I was busy getting everything together to make homemade soup for Sean that evening. Because my freezer was full of Nikolai's bread, I'd brought a loaf of it from the apartment. If Nikolai knew I was serving my ex-husband his wonderful bread I was sure he'd be deeply offended. But I didn't need to worry about that any longer. I hadn't heard from Nikolai since our last heart-wrenching conversation.

Jake pulled a stool up to the kitchen counter. “I had a visit from Rocco Nyquist.”

I stopped chopping an onion and set my knife aside. This was serious. Pulling out a stool, I sat down across from my son. I hadn't made a secret of how I felt about him suing for custody of Owen. As far as I knew, Jake hadn't followed through with his threat. If he had, I was sure Nichole would have mentioned it before now.

“What did he say?” I asked, working hard to remain outwardly calm.

Jake looked down at his hands. “As you can imagine, I wasn't happy to see him. To his credit, Rocco was polite. He asked if we could talk man to man about Nichole and Owen.”

Confronting my son must have been uncomfortable for Rocco and equally so for Jake. “What did you say?”

My son looked almost amused. “I started off by telling him exactly what I thought of him, and I didn't hold back. I threw out the fact that I knew he'd been incarcerated. I let him know I thought he was a negative influence on Nichole and especially on my son. I wasn't polite about it, either. I gave it to him with both barrels.”

I could well imagine.

The same amused look remained on Jake's face as he continued. “Frankly, I expected to rile him. I even thought he might take a swing at me. I sort of hoped he would, but he didn't.

“The truth is if I'd been on the receiving end of a tirade like that I probably would have lost my cool. Rocco didn't. He sat and listened and didn't interrupt. When I wound down he simply asked if I was ready for us to figure things out. It surprised me, you know.”

“So what did he have to say?”

“Mainly, that he knew I loved Nichole and Owen, and he was sorry our marriage hadn't worked out. I wasn't sure I bought that, but I didn't argue the point. Bottom line, he feels the same way about them. He loves Nichole and he loves Owen, but he made it clear that he has no intention of taking Owen away from me.”

Rocco impressed me. Naturally I knew Rocco and Nichole were back together and I was glad to hear it. They were good for each other. I liked Rocco and appreciated the way he treated her and Owen.

“Then he asked me about my threat to file for custody. Rocco said he hoped I'd change my mind, but if I did go ahead with the suit that I'd lose in the end.” Jake paused and exhaled, as if this part was harder to explain. “He said that it would tear apart whatever relationship I hoped to have with Nichole and Owen. He felt certain a long, involved lawsuit would bankrupt us both and lead to bitterness and hostility, especially once attorneys got involved.”

“He's right,” I added, although I wasn't sure Jake appreciated my commentary.

“Looking at it from that point of view, I was forced to agree,” Jake said, surprising me.

My son had a lot of emotional baggage he was dealing with in a short amount of time. The divorce, a change in jobs, his father's cancer, and now this. Deep down, I think he believed he would be able to fool Nichole into believing he was a changed man. He hoped he could talk her into reuniting and forget about the divorce. His plan failed; she'd seen through him. What my son hadn't expected was that Nichole would move on with her life. Move on and meet someone else, especially a blue-collar man like Rocco.

“Rocco loves and appreciates Nichole far more than I ever did,” Jake whispered. “That isn't easy to admit. He loves her enough to seek me out and do what he could to save us both from a long court battle in which the only loser would be me. I have to say I respect that. It couldn't have been easy for him to let down his guard enough to confront me.”

I'll admit my own respect for Rocco rose several notches.

“I don't expect us to be bosom buddies anytime soon,” he added, “but it's good to know that we understand each other. As Rocco pointed out, we both love Owen, and working together instead of against each other is a win-win.”

My son had shown more maturity in the last hour than he had in years, and I was proud of him.

A deep sadness settled over Jake as he glanced at his father. “You know, Mom, I blew it with Nichole. Dad…he always seemed to have it together. Outwardly he had the perfect life. He had you and money and a little fun on the side. You never said anything and looked the other way. I thought that was what all wives did.”

It killed me to hear my son say that, because in essence he was telling me that by not standing up to my husband and fighting for my marriage I had approved of Sean's infidelity.

“I assumed Nichole would do the same,” Jake said. “I knew if she ever found out she wouldn't like it, but that didn't stop me. I was stupid enough to think I could have it both ways.”

I swallowed tightly.

“The other night I stopped off to check on Dad. You'd gone back to your apartment to collect a few things.”

I remembered because I'd called Jake and asked him to sit with his father while I was away.

“Dad and I had a long talk. Seeing the two of you now and how close you are is an eye-opener, and I think Dad feels it, too. He told me he realized far too late how much he loved you. He might not be able to say it now, but he's sorry for the way he cheated on you. He told me that with tears in his eyes. He said you were worth ten of any of the other women he's ever known.”

Known
most likely in the biblical sense, I mused, holding back a smile.

“Dad doesn't know where he'd be now if it wasn't for you caring for him. I couldn't do what you're doing. Most likely he'd be in some nursing home and at the mercy of strangers.”

My attention remained focused on Sean, and when I spoke it was from the heart. “I've always loved your father, Jake. For a long time I buried that love beneath my resentment.”

“Dad didn't understand until you left him how large a part of his life you were. He didn't realize how much he loves you. He's dying and he knows it. He accepts that he only has a few months left, and you know what he said? Dad told me it was worth getting that tumor because it showed him what he should have realized long ago. He had a wonderful, giving, loving wife.”

That did it; I bit into my lower lip in an effort to hold back tears.

Jake continued, “Dad gripped hold of my hand and pleaded with me not to make the same stupid mistakes he has. I told him it was too late, I'd already lost Nichole, but he wouldn't take that as an answer. He wanted to know if I'd learned anything from my divorce.”

From the evidence I'd seen, Jake hadn't. According to Kacey, there'd been women in and out of the house, some staying weeks at a time. None that lasted long, though. From the first I'd been concerned about Jake's parenting of Owen. He'd been far too willing to shuffle his son off to sitters while he spent his weekends playing golf and socializing.

“Dad's question hung over me all last week, and as painful as it was to admit, I don't think I had learned anything from the divorce until recently. When Nichole first left, I was confident I could win her back. I figured I would use my persuasive powers to woo her into giving me another chance. But even then I was going out behind her back, dating other women. It infuriated me when she refused to give me a second chance.

“After the divorce was final I made a real ass of myself, dating women left and right, sleeping around, having casual hook-ups. The bottom line is I was miserable and I blamed her.”

It did my heart good to hear the honesty in my son.

“By the time Rocco came to the house for our man-to-man chat, I'd pretty much decided I wouldn't have a foot to stand on when it came to getting custody of Owen. All Nichole would have to do was show evidence of the way I'd been living my life since the divorce. No judge in the land would give me custody of my son, and rightly so. Not that I would have let that stop me.”

Reaching across the counter, I hugged Jake. It was a bit awkward, but I was proud of him, proud of the way he'd cut through all the bull he'd been feeding himself. For the first time in years I had hope that he would turn into a responsible adult.

Jake returned my hug and then smiled for the first time since we'd begun our conversation. “I met someone awhile back. Her name is Carlie Olsson and she works in my office. She's beautiful and smart as a whip. She didn't have a high opinion of me and she let me know she wasn't interested in dating me. I asked her out five times before she agreed to see me.” His smile widened. “That first night we talked for five hours. The crazy part is I've seen her every night since and we haven't gone to bed together yet.”

Holding up my hand, I smiled and said, “TMI.”

Jake laughed. “Sorry. It's just that in the last couple of years that's something of a record. If things work out the way I hope they do, I'd like to marry her one day. Don't worry, Mom, if I cheat on this woman she wouldn't think twice about severing my dick.”