A Kiss in the Dark (16 page)

‘Nothing’s going on! Let’s just go, OK?’ I turned away from him and walked a couple of steps towards the entrance of the close.

‘I heard you talking to that girl.’ I stopped walking. ‘I know you’re … seeing her.’ I turned around. ‘It’s OK, you know. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. You know I don’t have a problem with that – and Mum and Dad are cool with it too. You
know
that.’ The torchlight emphasized the pained expression on
his face. As if this was harder for him than it was for me.

‘I’m not gay! Jesus! Why the fuck do people keep saying that? Look, Jamie, no offence but this is really none of your business.’

‘So I suppose it’s none of my business when I come back for the holidays to find half of my clothes have magically migrated from my room to yours?’ He’d been snooping in my room. For some reason that felt like an unforgivable betrayal, even though I’d obviously snooped first. ‘And it’s none of my business when I hear you talking to some girl about buying condoms? Why the hell would you need condoms if you’re …’ My brother likes to act like he’s stupid; he’s not. I watched him as his brain joined the dots, creating a picture that confused him even more. ‘Oh man.’ He was shaking his head now.

I stepped towards him, my non-torch-bearing hand raised like I was warding off a dangerous animal. ‘Jamie, it’s not–’

‘How is that even possible? I mean, she can’t honestly think that you’re …’ I really thought he wasn’t going to say it. ‘… a boy?’

The game was well and truly up – that much was obvious. Damage control was my only option. I didn’t have to fake the panic on my face. ‘Please don’t tell
Mum! Jamie, you have to promise not to tell her, OK? This is … it was a mistake.’

‘A mistake? How do you accidentally pretend to be a boy? That makes precisely no sense, you do realize that?’

It sounded so much worse than it was. I wasn’t pretending to be anything. It was more complicated than that. Jamie needed some sort of explanation and I felt a sudden need for him to understand. I was desperate for him to tell me it wasn’t that bad, that the situation was fixable. ‘I … we met online. I didn’t realize she thought I was a guy – not until we met up. And then … it was never the right time.’

‘I can’t get my head around this. Couldn’t you just have … I dunno … put on a skirt or something? I’m pretty sure that would’ve done the trick.’

‘She liked me.’ Because that was what it all came down to. She liked me in a way that no one else had ever liked me before. And I liked her back. ‘I’m in love with her, Jamie.’

He winced as if that was the last thing he wanted to hear. ‘And what about her? What’s her name anyway?’

‘Kate. She’s in love with me too.’ It felt good to say it out loud to someone who knew the truth, as if that validated it somehow.

‘She’s not though, is she? She’s in love with some boy who doesn’t even exist.’

He didn’t say it to be cruel – I knew that. But it didn’t stop the words slicing through my heart like a scalpel through flesh. ‘It’s not like that. She
knows
me. It feels like I can be myself with her … Don’t say it, OK? There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t thought of already. I hate lying to her.’

Jamie sighed. ‘Then stop it. It’s not too late to make things right. Maybe if you explain things to her … she might understand?’ He didn’t sound very sure about that.

‘I can’t lose her.’ My torch was burning low. The flame looked like it might sputter out any second.

‘Well you can’t keep her, can you? Not like this.’ He let that sink in for a moment or two. ‘She wanted you to get condoms, right? I don’t mean to be graphic or anything but don’t you think she’s gonna realize pretty quickly that you … um … don’t exactly have anything to put a condom on?’

I studied Jamie’s face for any hint that he was mocking me. ‘I never meant for it to go this far, Jamie. She keeps on pushing me to take things further, and I want to but I … God, this is such a fucking mess. What am I going to do?’ My voice cracked unexpectedly. I turned away from Jamie as soon as I
realized there was no way to stop the tears, but he took hold of my shoulders and held me in his arms. I dropped my torch, and I think he must have dropped his at the same time.

‘It’ll be OK, Alex.’

I started sobbing then. Something about people being nice to me breaks my heart.

The tears dried up after a few minutes, leaving my head feeling woolly and thick. It was difficult to think straight. Jamie made a joke about me snotting all over his jacket. I breathed a shaky breath and tried to pull myself together. ‘OK. OK. I’m OK.’ Because if you say something three times that makes it true.

‘Good.’ He paused, weighing up whether I was strong enough to take what he was going to say. ‘You know what you have to do then?’

I nodded.

‘You promise you’ll do it soon? You need to end this now before it gets more … complicated.’

I wasn’t quite sure how it could get
more
complicated, but I was too exhausted to argue. ‘I’m not sure how to explain it to her.’ Not one imaginary version of that conversation ended well.

‘Then maybe you don’t have to … Maybe you could break things off quickly. Stop answering her calls. I presume she doesn’t know where we live?’

‘I couldn’t …’ It was a horrible thought to contemplate – doing something like that to Kate. But the alternative was even worse.

‘The way I see it you have two options. Either you sit down with her and tell her the truth and try to explain how you got yourself into this whole mess … and that’s not going to be easy … or you pretend to be a complete and utter bastard who’s lost interest all of a sudden. It wouldn’t exactly be the first time that’s happened in the history of the world, would it? So it’s up to you. Which do you think would hurt her less?’

That’s what my decision came down to in the end. At least, that’s what I told myself. I was doing the best thing for Kate; it was nothing to do with me being a coward.

We didn’t make it to Calton Hill in time for the fireworks. We stood on North Bridge and watched them before heading home. Jamie apologized and said we’d do the procession properly next year. I don’t think he really believed I was bothered about the procession; I think he just wanted to say sorry for
something
.

We didn’t talk much on the walk home. I wondered if things would ever be the same between us. If there was a way back to the jokey, easy relationship we’d had. I wanted him to reassure me that I’d always be his little sister, no matter how many stupid things I did. He didn’t say anything though, and I didn’t ask. I was still too embarrassed about crying all over him.

Jamie put the kettle on while I switched the Christmas tree lights back on. We sat in front of the TV. If I concentrated really hard I could almost feel like there was nothing wrong – that I wasn’t on the verge
of ruining the best thing that had ever happened to me. The audience of the sitcom we were watching was laughing way too hard over a very tall man squeezing himself into a very small car when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

I took my phone out and tried to ignore Jamie staring at me. It was a text from Kate asking me if I’d enjoyed the procession. She said she’d been able to see the fireworks from Portobello. She liked that we’d both been watching the same thing at the same time. She said it was the next best thing to being together. Kate was always sending sweet messages like that – little things that would make me smile and feel good about myself no matter what was happening around me. Those messages were like oxygen to me.

There weren’t going to be any more messages like that from Kate. I was looking at the very last one. I stared at it until the words went blurry. And then I realized the words hadn’t gone blurry at all – there was a film of tears in front of my eyes. I blinked hard until they went away.

Kate’s message didn’t make me smile and feel good about myself this time. It made me feel like I was choking. It was too much – the thought of her looking up at those fireworks, feeling happy and excited and
hopeful about the future, while I’d looked up at them, knowing it was over.

I would never see her again. Not unless we passed each other in the street one day. I’d already thought of that. It was that stupid thing that Jamie had said back in the alleyway – that I should have just worn a skirt. When Kate walked down the street, she’d be scanning the faces of passing boys – even if she was doing it subconsciously, she’d be half-expecting to bump into me one day. But she wouldn’t be paying attention to girls. A girl wearing tights and a skirt and a silly little jacket even though it was freezing outside. So that is exactly what I would have to become. It would just be another disguise – even further away from the real me than wearing Jamie’s clothes and stuffing things down my pants. Mum would probably be delighted and Jamie would probably think that I was ‘fixed’.

‘Alex? That’s her, isn’t it?’

I nodded.

‘Don’t answer.’

I told him about our plans for tomorrow night. There was no reason not to.

‘That’s perfect then. Just turn off your phone. She won’t keep trying after you bail on that. Trust me. Here, give me your phone.’

I didn’t, but he snatched it out of my hands. He
made a big show of pressing the ‘off’ button. ‘There. All done. Now just forget about her. Move on.’

I looked at him as if he was a moron. Forget about her. Move on. As if either of those things were remotely possible.

‘Look, I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s got to be done. This is your best option, right?’

I said nothing. I was transfixed by my phone and the thought that Kate was probably lying on her bed, waiting for a reply. She’d probably assume I was busy with family stuff. How long would it be before she realized something was wrong? And what if she thought I’d been run over by a bus or something? If Kate genuinely thought something terrible had happened to me, she was hardly going to forget about it and just get on with her life. She’d find a way to track me down – at my supposed school, probably.

I told Jamie his plan wasn’t going to work – not like this. He was sceptical at first, figuring I was just playing for time or trying to worm my way out of it. But then he thought about it and held out my phone. ‘Fine. You’re going to have to text her. Tell her it’s over. Tell her you’re bored of her or you’ve been shagging someone else or … it doesn’t matter
what
you say as long as it’s bad enough for her to stop contacting you.’

This was worse. This was actually sticking the knife into Kate and twisting it.

Jamie was still holding out the phone and waiting when there was the sound of a key rattling in the front door. I grabbed the phone from Jamie and stuffed it in my pocket. The desperate look on my face clearly wasn’t difficult to translate because he said, ‘Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.’ I gave him a hard, challenging look and he added, ‘I promise.’

I believed him. I didn’t exactly have any choice in the matter.

The living room door opened and Mum and Dad came in, all red-faced and smiley. ‘Hello, you two! Did you have a good time?’ Meanwhile Dad was muttering about the fireworks being disappointing, saying it was a waste of time and money having substandard fireworks the day before the massive Hogmanay display.

I sat there and listened to my family being a family and I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life.

*

One hour and six minutes after Kate’s text, she sent a second:
I love you. xxx

I replied to Kate fifty-seven minutes later:
I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry
.

Hours of thinking time and that was the best I could come up with.

Kate’s reply was almost instant:
Haha, you’re hilarious. So what time shall we meet at A’s tomorrow? xxx

I should have expected that. I’d probably have said the same if she’d sent me a text like that. We were so secure in how we felt about each other – so utterly sure that we were in love and nothing was going to change that. I fired back another message before I thought about it too long and chickened out:
I’m not coming. I’m serious. We need to break up
.

A couple of minutes later:
This isn’t funny. You’re scaring me. I’m calling you now
.

I waited. My phone rang and I let it go to voicemail. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to the message.

She called three more times. I lay face down on my bed.

One more text message:
Why are you doing this to me?

*

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, not texting or calling her back to tell her I was joking. I could have done that and all would have been forgiven. Instead I deleted Kate’s voicemails without listening to them.

I switched off my phone and brushed my teeth and washed my face and changed into the pyjamas Mum and Dad had got me for Christmas. I got into bed and
turned out the light and pulled the duvet up to my chin and stared at the darkness.

I would never, ever forgive myself for this.

*

I couldn’t sleep. In the middle of the night I got out of bed and went over to the chair where I pile all my clothes. The beanie hat was hanging off the corner of the chair back. I took it and put it under my pillow. For some reason I couldn’t stop thinking that I would never be able to wear it again. Maybe one day far in the future, when I was away at university or something, I’d technically be able to wear it. But I wouldn’t. Kate probably wouldn’t wear her hat again either. Maybe she’d cut it up with scissors or burn it or do whatever it was girls did when they’d been hurt by their no-good boyfriends. It made me sad to think of these two identical hats, hand-crafted with love, bought with love and worn only once or twice. It didn’t seem fair on the hats somehow – that their fate was to belong to two people who couldn’t bear to look at them, let alone wear them.

It wasn’t long before I realized I was focusing all my energy thinking about hats because it was too hard to think about anything else. I couldn’t allow myself to think about Kate, lying in her bed, crying and confused, wondering what she’d done wrong. Because
that’s what she would do – she’d find a way to blame herself for this. It occurred to me that it might actually be good for her to have a friend like Astrid right now – someone who’d be full of righteous indignation and ‘all men are bastards’ and ‘you’re better off without him’. But Astrid was away so Kate had no one. Maybe she’d confide in her mum. Surely mothers knew exactly the right things to say in a situation like this? Surely even Mrs McAllister had some idea of the words to say to make Kate feel a little better about things. Perhaps it would bring them together, make them feel closer to each other.