A Kiss in the Dark (25 page)

‘I suppose so. He was different.’ I almost expected one of them to laugh, but that wouldn’t exactly have been professional. No one corrected me on using the wrong pronoun either. Perhaps they found it as hard as I did to remember that Alex was a girl.

Sergeant Tanaka asked a lot of questions about where Alex and I used to spend time together, and whether I’d introduced him (her) to any of my friends. I told her about Astrid even though I didn’t see how it could possibly be relevant. I had to give her last name and address too. I just had to hope they weren’t going to talk to her. I couldn’t see why they’d need to – it wasn’t as if she was there when the sexual assault happened (didn’t happen).

Finally, after I’d talked and talked and talked, the sergeant asked about the physical side of our relationship, specifically the day I’d been assaulted. I said our relationship didn’t have a physical side, other than kissing. I thought I detected a hint of scepticism in Tanaka’s eyes, which was sort of funny because I was actually telling the truth.

‘Have you had any previous sexual relationships?’ she asked.

I shook my head, confused. ‘No, I told you. There was nothing before Alex. No one.’

‘I’m sorry, I know it must seem like we’re going over a lot of the same ground, but you have to understand that this is exactly what would happen in court.’ Would. She said
would
. Then she hurried on, ‘So, prior to meeting Alex Banks you had never been intimate with anyone else. Is that correct?’

I nodded; she pointed at the recorder. ‘Yes,’ I said.

‘Can you tell me the date the alleged offence took place? I believe you weren’t sure when you talked to PC Mason?’ PC Mason nodded.
He
was allowed to nod.
Alleged
offence. She had to talk like that, I thought; Alex was innocent until proven guilty.

I was ready for this question; I’d had time to think about it. Mum always kept last year’s calendar for at least six months, just in case she needed to refer to it. I’ve never seen her refer to it once, but I was glad to find it hanging behind the new one in the kitchen. I flicked through to November and tried to decipher Mum’s coded writing. She has a habit of writing things in shorthand, as if it’s just too much effort to write whole words. Pickings were slim for that month – Mum’s social life was almost as dire as
mine. There was one Sunday afternoon towards the end of the month where she’d written ‘Aft Tea w/M’, which translated as ‘Afternoon tea with Mags’. Mags and Mum have embarked on this neverending, lifelong quest to find the perfect afternoon tea. Every couple of months Mum gets the train over to Glasgow or Mags gets the train here and they try a new place. Mags has even created a ratings system – that’s how seriously she takes her afternoon tea.

I remembered this particular Sunday; Alex and I had gone to the cinema. I’d actually tried to convince him to come over to my house, knowing that Mum was going to be gone for hours, but he’d said he really wanted to see this film and it was one of the last showings. We’d held hands and eaten a mammoth tub of popcorn and shared a blue slushy drink that came with two straws. Our tongues turned blue. The film wasn’t very good and Alex apologized for dragging me along to see it. I didn’t mind though, because I was happy as long as he was happy.

I did have a slight worry that Alex might be able to prove we’d been at the cinema that afternoon, but we hadn’t seen anyone we knew and it wasn’t as if we’d done anything to draw attention to ourselves. I didn’t think Alex would have kept the ticket (even though I’d kept mine). Anyway, it wasn’t like I had much choice
in the matter – it was the only weekend day I could be sure Mum hadn’t been at home. It was the best I could do in a bad situation, but it was far from perfect.

I told Sergeant Tanaka the date and she raised her eyebrows. ‘And now you’re absolutely sure of that?’

‘Yes, I checked because I knew it would be important.’ I explained about the calendar and how I’d invited Alex round because Mum would be out. I avoided looking over at Mum because she wasn’t exactly going to be happy about that.

Sergeant Tanaka leaned forward in her seat. ‘Why were you so keen to invite Alex round when your mother wasn’t going to be home?’

I was about to say something like ‘It’s obvious, isn’t it?’ which would have been disastrous. I’d have to be more careful with my choice of words without looking like I was weighing things up before I said them. ‘Um … I wanted us to spend some time together.’

‘And you couldn’t have done that with your mum here?’ Tanaka’s eyes were wide and bright and she asked the question in an innocent enough way, but I knew what she was doing. Mum did too because she said, ‘I’m sorry, I know I’m not supposed to be saying anything, but I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply here.’

‘I’m not trying to imply anything, Mrs McAllister.
I’m merely trying to establish the facts, and make sure Kate is prepared for a potential court case. I’m afraid there are always difficult questions to be asked in these situations. It’s never easy.’ She looked like she felt bad about this, she really did. PC Mason was busy writing in his notebook. I was now almost certain he
was
writing a shopping list.

Mum didn’t look convinced but she nodded and said it was fine for the interview to continue. A trace of a smile appeared and promptly disappeared on Sergeant Tanaka’s face. Mum was the only one in the room who didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t up to her whether this interview continued or not.

I tried again. ‘I wanted Alex and I to spend some time
alone
together. We always met up in town. I thought it would be nice to chill at home for a change.’ I’m almost certain that was the first time I’d ever said ‘chill’ in this context. ‘And … um … people don’t tend to want their mothers around in situations like that. It’s not exactly romantic.’

‘So you were hoping to have a romantic afternoon together? Would you say that’s fair?’

I frowned, a little confused. ‘I suppose so.’

Tanaka asked me to talk her through the afternoon. She seemed particularly interested in whose idea it had been to spend time in my bedroom. I said it had been
Alex’s idea, and that I’d wanted to stay in the living room. ‘Why?’ asked Tanaka.

‘I didn’t want him … getting the wrong idea.’

‘Had Alex done anything to give you that impression? Had he been asking you to take things further … in your physical relationship?’

I shrugged, wishing I’d thought this through better. I didn’t want to overplay it – subtlety was the key (I hoped). ‘Not really. I mean, maybe he’d been hinting sometimes. About wanting to go further. But I just pretended I didn’t notice. I was happy just being with him. I certainly wasn’t in any rush to … you know.’ A quick look over at Mum confirmed the approving nod I’d expected to see.

Sergeant Tanaka nodded. ‘Could you describe what happened after you went into the bedroom?’ Her voice was softer now, coaxing almost.

I took a deep, wavering sort of breath. Then I told her a story.

We were sitting on the bed watching a film on my laptop. Alex had closed the curtains and turned off the light – to keep the glare off the screen, he said. It was just like being in the cinema, he said. After a few minutes he started stroking my arm, kissing my neck. He closed the laptop and suggested we lie down for a bit. I didn’t really want to but I went along with it anyway. We kissed and it was nice. I didn’t think there was anything to worry about – not then. After a while, Alex suggested I take my top off. I said no, obviously, but he kept on about it, saying he just wanted to
see
me. I said he wasn’t going to be able to see anything – the room was pitch-black because of my blackout blinds. He said he wasn’t going to do anything so eventually I let him take my top off. I kept my bra on though. That was non-negotiable. I let him touch my breasts on top of my bra. That seemed to
be enough for him for a little while. Then his hand started going lower and lower and each time it did I took it and moved it back up again. I think it was some kind of game to him. ‘Let me touch you,’ he said. ‘I just want to make you feel good.’ I said no. More than once. He behaved for a minute or two but then the hand was back, rubbing my crotch through my jeans. And I … I let him continue – just for a few seconds. I know I shouldn’t have but I did and I regret it. I didn’t really notice him unbuttoning my jeans but he must have done because before I knew what was happening his hand was inside my underwear. I said ‘No’ again, more forcefully, but he didn’t listen. I tried to move his hand but he was stronger than I was, and he was on top of me and suddenly the weight of him made it hard for me to breathe. I struggled and tried to push him off me, but he took my hands and pinned them above my head. He was strong. ‘Please! I don’t want to. Please. Stop it. Stop it!’

‘Shhh. It’s OK … Don’t worry about it. It’s OK. Just relax and enjoy it.’

‘No … please. I don’t want to …’

Then he put his fingers inside me and it really hurt. He seemed to be in a hurry all of a sudden and he was ramming his fingers in and out and I was crying but he said it would stop hurting in a minute, I just
needed to get used to it but I didn’t get used to it and it hurt so much and I just kept saying no no no, begging him to stop but he didn’t. He kept kissing my neck, murmuring words that were meant to reassure me but didn’t.

Then he stopped and rolled off me. I was still crying. I covered myself with my T-shirt but didn’t put it on.

‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry oh God I didn’t mean to …’ He started to cry. I turned on the light. He sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me, his shoulders heaving as he sobbed. I stopped crying. I don’t know how long we stayed like that before he turned to look at me. He reached out and touched my hand. ‘Kate … I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to … I don’t know what I was thinking. Kate? Say something, please?’ I said nothing; it was hard to even look at him.

He kept crying and apologizing over and over again. And after a while I started to listen. He looked so devastated by what had happened. He apologized some more and after a little while more I started to believe him. Even later on I started to feel sorry for him. I let him hold me and we lay on the bed. ‘Can you ever forgive me? I’ll understand if you can’t. Just tell me to leave and I’ll never contact you again, I promise.’

I didn’t answer straightaway. What had happened was already starting to seem unreal somehow. Alex wasn’t like that – I
knew
Alex. He was sorry. It wouldn’t happen again. He was really really sorry. ‘Can you forgive me?’ he asked again. He sounded so vulnerable and I knew that it would break him if I told him to leave.

‘I forgive you.’

*

No one spoke for a few seconds after I finished talking. I could hear Mum crying but I couldn’t allow myself to look at her. I felt guilty –
of course
I felt guilty. I knew it was wrong – the worst thing I had ever done, by a long way. But I would make it up to Mum by being the best daughter I could possibly be. I would start being serious about piano again and I’d stop whining about it. I would enter that stupid competition. I would cook at least three times a week and go to the shops to buy milk whenever she asked. I would mow the lawn and do all the vacuuming. I would study Music at university even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to and I would invite Mum to the end-of-term concert and she would be
so
proud. And maybe she would look back on this terrible thing that had happened (not happened) to her daughter and she would see it as a turning point – when her annoying, ungrateful daughter
turned into a grown-up. She would never know that her annoying, ungrateful daughter had only turned into a grown-up to try to make up for an unforgivable lie.

I didn’t really think about Alex, which is really strange when you think about it. Alex had turned into a not-real person in my head. It was made easier by the fact that I didn’t know who Alex was anymore. As I was telling my story, I could almost see it in my head. I could almost believe that this thing had happened to me. That scared me. I wasn’t sure who
I
was anymore.

*

Sergeant Tanaka asked more questions. Every time I thought there was nothing else she could possibly need to know she would ask another question. She wanted to know why I hadn’t gone to the police at the time. My answer wasn’t particularly great: ‘I loved him.’ She wanted to know what happened afterwards, whether our relationship had gone back to normal, whether anything like that had ever happened again. ‘Nothing.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ I was all talked out. I’d finished my glass of water over an hour ago but I didn’t feel like I could ask for another. PC Mason’s stomach made a loud gurgling noise and Tanaka shot him an annoyed look. By the time she asked about the end of our relationship I was stupefied from tiredness. Telling lies is a lot more
exhausting that telling the truth. Finally here was something else I could be honest about – mostly. I had to omit the part about me being desperate to lose my virginity, but I told the bit about going round to Alex’s house on New Year’s Eve exactly as it happened.

‘And how did you feel, when you found out that Alex was a girl?’ I thought I could detect a hint of tiredness in Sergeant Tanaka’s voice too. We all wanted this to be over.

‘Upset.’

‘
Upset?
’

I’d been trying to be succinct. Clearly that wasn’t going to be good enough. ‘Shocked. Angry. It was … I couldn’t believe it.’

‘And up until that moment you had absolutely no idea? Even when you were … intimate.’

‘We weren’t intimate! She
assaulted
me.’ Tanaka held her hand up and nodded, which I suppose was meant to count as an apology. ‘How many times do I have to tell you? I didn’t know she was a girl! If I’d known that I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her. I wanted a
boy
friend.’

Tanaka fiddled with the cuffs of her shirt. ‘Would it be fair to say you felt betrayed when you found out the truth?’

Betrayal. That word pretty much summed
everything up – the anger and hurt and confusion. It was a word that could have been invented for a time like this – if this was a normal thing that happened to normal people. But I had to be careful here. Betrayal is one side of a razor-sharp blade; on the other side is revenge. People who are betrayed often want revenge and I could not be seen as someone wanting revenge. I shrugged as if I hadn’t really thought about it. ‘I don’t know … I suppose so, but mostly I was just really, really upset.’