A Kiss in the Dark (29 page)

Alex coughed awkwardly. ‘Is that all? I’d better get back inside. Got to get my beauty sleep for tomorrow.’ She didn’t sound bitter or angry, and I couldn’t understand why.

The full force of it all hit me at that moment. What had I been thinking? How had I let this happen?
Somewhere along the line I’d managed to forget that this was real life and it’s messy and difficult and people will hurt you but that doesn’t give you a licence to destroy them.

I panicked. ‘You have to tell them you didn’t do it!’

‘Didn’t do what?’ She was going to make me say the words out loud, to admit what I was accusing her of.

‘You know … assault me. You have to take back your confession. They’ll send you to prison!’

‘I thought that was what you wanted.’

‘No! I … I made a mistake, OK?’ My voice cracked and the tears began to flow. ‘It’s not what you think! I said something to Mum and she got the wrong idea and then she called the police. I swear I didn’t know she was going to do that. But when the police came to interview me I felt … I don’t know … I hated you for lying to me and I was too scared to tell the truth. I’m sorry! You have to tell them you didn’t do it. They’ll believe you. I’m sure the police thought I was lying anyway, but then you confessed and I suppose they thought you’d never confess to something you hadn’t done …’ The words eventually lost their battle against the rising sobs. My shoulders shook and I was so ashamed for crying – so ashamed
for everything – that I didn’t know what to do. Was I expecting Alex to comfort me? To hug me and hold me and stroke my hair and say everything was going to be OK? That was never going to happen. She would never touch me again.

Alex shook her head. ‘It’s too late. No one will believe me. They’ll just think I got cold feet about pleading guilty.’

‘But you didn’t do anything!’ I shouted and the noise seemed to echo off the darkened windows looking down on us.

Alex took a step towards me. ‘I hurt you,’ she said quietly. ‘Even if I didn’t do what they think I did, I still hurt you.’ Her gaze was steady on mine. ‘I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that. I don’t care what happens tomorrow. None of it matters anymore.’

‘But you’re going to go to prison! This is your
life
we’re talking about, Alex!’ I wanted to shake her, make her realize how crazy this was.

‘I don’t care. I’ve seen what they’re saying about me online, you know. Maybe after a year or two in a Young Offenders place the heat will die down and I’ll be able to get on with things. Maybe it’s best for both of us if I disappear for a bit.’ Who was she trying to convince?

‘No! Alex!’

She took another step towards me. ‘I want you to know that I understand why you did it. Why you said that to the police. I hurt you so you hurt me back. I
get
that.’

How could she be so calm when I was in the process of destroying her life? ‘I’m sorry! This is all … how did it all go so wrong?! It was so … I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me.’ No, that wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say. ‘You
were
the best thing that ever happened to me.’

Alex smiled wistfully and started backing away from me. ‘It could have been good, you know. In another lifetime, maybe.’

‘It
was
good. Please, Alex, you have to tell them you lied. They’ll find you not guilty, I’m sure of it.’ I tried to sound less hysterical, desperate to make her see my point of view. A scattering of snowflakes started to fall and the scene might have been romantic. In another lifetime, maybe.

‘They won’t listen to me. There’s only one person they’ll listen to.’ Her voice was gentle; she knew this wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

I started to speak and then stopped. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Mum would never forgive me. If Alex changed her plea to not guilty, they’d find her innocent (they
would
, wouldn’t they?) but no one would have to
know I’d lied. They’d just think there wasn’t enough evidence for a conviction or something. And even if everyone else did think I’d lied about what happened to me, Mum would still believe me. And maybe one day …

‘Alex, I
can’t
.’

She backed away another couple of steps, still holding my eyes with hers. ‘I know.’

Her hand was reaching out to open the front door.

Say something
.

She was opening the door.

Stop her
.

‘Goodbye, Kate.’

She was gone.

I was lost.

I didn’t move. The snow turned into icy rain. The light in the front room went out. Before long I was shivering uncontrollably. I watched the door even though I didn’t expect it to open again. I wondered how long I could stay out in this cold before I would die. If I curled up into a little ball on Alex’s front doorstep would I be dead by morning? Would Alex come outside, all dressed up for court, and find me frozen to death, a fine layer of ice blanketing my body? No one would be able to hate me if I was dead.

Eventually I started walking back up the hill. It was hard to walk at first – my joints were Tin-Man stiff. I should never have come. Seeing Alex again hadn’t solved anything; there was no closure. There was just a heaviness in my heart that wouldn’t go away, and the picture in my head of her backing away from me. I’d never forget the way she looked at me – the
sadness and the understanding and the love. The love was definitely still there; I wasn’t imagining it. How could she still love me after what I’d done?

I had to wait twenty-five minutes for a night bus. There was a couple in the bus shelter. They looked like students. He was sitting on the bench and she was standing between his legs. They did a lot of kissing. I moved down to the other end of the bench, stealing glances at them every once in a while.
Life must be so easy for them. She’s a girl and he’s a boy and that’s that
. No one would ever give
them
weird looks for kissing or holding hands in public.

It was after two o’clock by the time I put my key in the front door. I was cold and exhausted and full to the brim with self-loathing. I changed into a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms and my thickest, warmest pair of socks and got into bed. I checked my phone before turning out the light. No new messages.

I didn’t sleep.

*

I got up an hour before Mum’s alarm went off, took a long shower and was sitting at the breakfast table sipping a cup of tea by the time she came through.

‘Morning, love. How are you feeling? Did you sleep OK?’

‘Fine, thanks.’

She put some bread in the toaster and went to get the jam out of the fridge. ‘I hope you’re not too worried about today. Sergeant Tanaka said she’d keep us informed so I’ll text you as soon as there’s news. We should hear something this morning.’

‘OK.’

Mum stopped what she was doing and looked at me. ‘Oh, Kate. It will all be over soon, I promise. That girl will be sent away and you’ll never have to worry about her again.’

I nodded.

‘You know, there aren’t many girls your age who’d have had the courage to speak out about something like this.’ Like I’d had any choice in the matter. She sat down next to me and squeezed my hand, which was clammy and warm from holding the mug of tea. ‘It makes me think I must have done something right, at least. I’m proud of you.’

She was
proud
of me.

When she carried on preparing her breakfast I sent a lightning-fast text. The reply arrived before Mum had even sat down.

I nodded and smiled my way through breakfast then I told Mum I wanted to get to school early to finish off some homework. Normally she’d have given me a lecture about leaving my homework to the last
minute but today she told me to give myself a break, that I shouldn’t be worrying about schoolwork at a time like this. She even said she’d have a word with my teachers if I wanted her to.

I didn’t hug her or kiss her goodbye because that would have made her suspicious.

*

A bus arrived almost as soon as I got to the stop, which never happens when you’re in a hurry and actually want to get to where you’re going. On the way into town it seemed like every traffic light went in our favour and all the cars of Edinburgh had stayed home just to make sure I didn’t arrive too late.

The sky was grey and unforgiving; everything and everyone looked miserable. Even the castle looked less majestic than usual – just an old building on a rock. I tried to clear my mind and focus on putting one foot in front of the other on the icy pavement. If I stopped to think about things I’d turn around and get on the first bus home. It helped that I hadn’t actually worked out exactly what I was going to do. There was no grand plan. I just knew I had to be there.

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting outside the courtroom. Photographers? A TV van or two? A baying mob with hand-made placards? It was nothing like that at all. A few people were milling around near
the door – smokers, mostly. One man had a tattoo on his neck, with orange and red flames creeping up from his shirt collar. I assumed he was a criminal and then instantly told myself off for judging him. Maybe he was a lawyer. Or a judge.

A couple of tourists were taking photos of the statue right outside the courtroom. Someone had put a traffic cone on its head. They asked me to take a picture of them together in front of the statue; I said yes but angled the camera so you couldn’t see the traffic cone.

I checked my phone; I was half an hour early. I couldn’t make myself take the last few steps inside. My legs were rebelling against my brain, and my brain was starting to whisper that I should get back on the bus and go to school. No one would ever have to know I was here.

‘Shit!’ A woman was standing behind the statue, struggling with an enormous orange leather bag, a Starbucks cup and what looked to be a half-eaten bacon roll. She started hopping around on one foot trying to get a look at the bottom of her shoe. Eventually she gave up and looked around helplessly. Her eyes met mine.

‘Sorry, could you possibly …?

‘Do you want me to hold those for you?’

‘Oh, you’re a life saver!’ She started unloading things on to me and I put the bag over my shoulder and ended up holding the cup and the roll. Bright orange yolk started oozing out of the roll on to the napkin and I had to hold it upright to stop it dripping on the ground. The woman took off her shoe and scraped it on the base of the statue. The sight of that coupled with the oozing egg made my mouth flood with saliva – I was sure I was going to vomit there and then. I tried to breathe slowly, through my mouth.

Eventually, the woman turned to me, satisfied that her shiny purple shoe was now clean. She was younger than I’d first thought – maybe twenty-four or twenty-five? Curly red hair and a slash of bright red lipstick. I could see lipstick smeared on her teeth when she smiled as she thanked me. She carefully manoeuvred the handles of the bag off my shoulder and over the cup in my left hand and nodded at me to give her the cup and the roll. ‘Thanks for that. I’m all over the shop this morning. Not enough sleep. I
knew
I should have had an early night. What kind of moron stays out till two the night before starting a new job?’ I could have sworn she was talking to herself rather than to me, but she looked at me when she finished talking so some kind of response was required. I shrugged but she seemed to expect more so I asked if she was a
lawyer. ‘God, no! You couldn’t pay me enough. I’m a reporter.’ She said this around a mouthful of food and I felt bile rise in my throat again.

My heart slam-dunked. ‘A journalist?’

She smiled like she was talking to a simpleton. ‘Yeah, first day covering the courts. Last week it was ladies of Morningside sewing a giant quilt, this week it’s all about the hardened criminals. Bit of a promotion, I suppose.’ She finished the roll in three bites and wiped her mouth on the napkin. Then she gulped down some coffee and winced. ‘Ghastly stuff! Would you mind chucking these in that bin over there?’ For some reason this woman thought I was her personal slave. I did as she asked.

When I returned she was looking at the mirrored surface on the back of her phone. She rubbed her teeth with her index finger and I wondered if any of the dog shit had touched that finger.

‘
Kate?
What are you doing here?’ I turned towards the voice I vaguely recognized. Sergeant Tanaka. PC Mason was right behind her. Both of them looked unimpressed to see me.

I stepped away from the reporter, who was now looking at me –
properly
looking at me. Her eyes flickered down to take in my school uniform and that’s the moment when it must have all clicked into
place. As soon as her eyes lit up I knew which case she’d been assigned to cover that morning. ‘Wait! Hold on a second … are you Kate McAllister?!’ Her hand was rummaging blindly in her bag because she wouldn’t take her eyes off me. It emerged from the bag grasping a recording device identical to the one Tanaka had used.

Sergeant Tanaka put herself between me and the reporter. She was eyeing the recording device as if it was a lethal weapon. ‘Look, you know you’re dealing with minors here, don’t you? You’re not allowed to publish any names. Kate, please come with me. We can talk inside. George, you stay here and deal with Ms …?’ PC Mason’s name was George? He really didn’t look like a George.

‘Brookmyre. Lara Brookmyre,’ the reporter supplied. ‘And
you
are?’ Brookmyre’s chin jutted out defiantly.

‘
Sergeant
Tanaka. You’re new, aren’t you? Well, how about you have a little chat with my colleague here and I’ll see you inside.’

Brookmyre tried to manoeuvre herself round Sergeant Tanaka but PC Mason (
George?
) stepped in and stood right in her way. Brookmyre wasn’t giving up so easily though. ‘
Kate?
Is there anything you’d like to say? Off the record, of course.’

I shouldn’t have come. What little courage I’d had disappeared as soon as the police turned up. I shouldn’t be here.

‘
Kate!
Let me just … Don’t touch me, OK? That’s police brutality right there.’ There was a scuffle as Brookmyre tried to squeeze between the wall and PC Mason. ‘Ow! You’re hurting me!’