A Kiss in the Dark (28 page)

‘Why
would
she lie about something like that?’ I was on dangerous ground but I really wanted to hear his answer.

Jamie’s gaze was steady. ‘Love.’

‘
Love?
’ Never has the best word in the world sounded so wrong.

‘She loves you.’ I shook my head, but he ignored it. ‘She loves you so much that she’s willing to go to prison in some screwed-up attempt to make things right.’

‘And I suppose she told you this, did she?’

‘She’s not that stupid. She knows that I’d tell anyone who’d listen – that I’d do whatever it takes to get her out of this mess. But I know how her mind works, and I know how she feels about you. Because she told me that much, at least. Before …’

‘What did she say?’

So Jamie told me how he’d confronted Alex and forced her to tell the truth about what she was doing. It turned out that he’d been the one who’d made her break up with me. She’d told him that we were supposed to have sex on Hogmanay. He
knew
we hadn’t gone any further than kissing. His belief in his sister was unshakeable. He was a good brother. It must be nice to have someone like him in your life – someone to defend you even when you make terrible mistakes.

He moved a little closer to me, his eyes imploring. ‘Don’t do this, Kate. Please don’t do this to her. I’m not condoning what she did, deceiving you like that. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like for you. I’m pretty sure I would completely lose my shit if something like that ever happened to me. But she really cares about you, and I think deep down you
know
that. My sister is a good person – the best person in my life, probably. She’s just … confused, I suppose. She doesn’t know how to be the person she wants to be.’

‘That’s hardly my fault, is it?’ I crossed my arms against the cold, but he probably thought it was defensiveness.

‘I’m not saying it is, you just have to know that she
would do anything for you. She broke her own heart to try and make sure you never found out the truth about her. She knew you’d never be able to understand, and she didn’t expect you to. She never wanted to hurt you.’

‘Well she
did
.’ Nothing Jamie could say would make me forget that.

‘So now you’re going to pay her back by making sure she goes to prison for something she hasn’t even done? She’ll have a criminal record, you know. Even if she gets away with a short sentence, that will follow her around forever. For the rest of her life.’ He paused and looked away. His shoulders were tensed up and his jaw was tight. ‘Please don’t do this to my sister. I’m begging you.’

There was no point in trying to convince him that my accusations were true. He knew Alex wasn’t guilty. There are some things you just know about the people you love. If a stranger suddenly accused Mum of committing a crime, I would know they were lying (unless it was illegal parking, because she’s always doing that). It didn’t matter though; Jamie couldn’t do anything about it as long as Alex was insisting she was guilty. It was strange to think of the two of us working together in this – the only two people in the world who knew the truth.

‘How is she?’ I hadn’t meant to ask. Jamie seemed as surprised as I was at the question.

For a second I thought he was going to tell me I had no right to ask such a thing. But maybe he thought it would help change my mind. ‘She’s shut down completely. Won’t talk to Mum and Dad. She’s been pretty much holed up in her room since I got back.’

‘But I thought she’d be in …?’ I stopped and thought about it. All this time I’d been picturing Alex in a grimy prison cell, but she’d been at home. It was obvious, when you thought about it. They weren’t going to put a sixteen-year-old girl in with the hardened criminals; it wasn’t like she was a danger to society. I felt stupid for letting my imagination run away with itself, but most of all – and much more powerful – I felt relief. My legs felt weird so I propped myself up against the low wall separating the promenade from the beach.

Jamie leaned next to me. ‘She always looked up to me, you know. Even when I did things I wasn’t necessarily proud of. When we were little she’d always copy everything I did and want to hang out with me and my friends. Sometimes it was annoying – my mates didn’t really appreciate always having a girl follow us around – but mostly it was kind of sweet.’ He stopped talking and I realized he was trying not to
cry. He blinked hard and shook his head, managing to control himself. ‘It’s weird, cos Mum and Dad are busy blaming themselves for what they think Alex has done, and Alex’s blaming herself for hurting you, and all the time I’m wondering if there’s something
I
did. Or didn’t do. Maybe if I’d been there for her more, she’d have felt like she could have come and talked to me about things instead of being all secretive. I might have been able to stop this whole thing from happening.’

People always blame themelves, don’t they? Even when there’s no possible way they could be held accountable, people always find a way. I think it’s because we like to think that we
matter
– that everything we do has an effect on other people. I didn’t believe for a second that Alex pretended to be a boy just because she looked up to her older brother. The only person who knew the real reason she’d done it was her, and I’d never even given her the chance to explain.

‘You can’t blame yourself.’ If the situation had been different I might have hugged him, or at least patted his arm.

Jamie turned to look at me. We were standing closer to each other now. I found myself thinking that he was really very attractive. What would have
happened if he’d been the one on the forum instead of Alex? Nothing, in all probability. He was three years older than me and from what Alex said he was very popular with girls. He would never have any reason to look once at me, let alone twice. Even now, in this horrible situation, I could tell he had that confidence that was so appealing to girls. Not to me though. I preferred boys who didn’t think they were God’s gift. Boys like Alex. Ones who don’t exist in real life. Astrid, on the other hand, would be all over Jamie like cheese on nachos.

Jamie was staring at me and I wondered if he was trying to work out what Alex had seen in me. Maybe he was thinking that I wasn’t pretty enough or special enough for her to have gone to all that effort. Maybe he was going to apologize for sort of threatening to blackmail me. Then his blank expression turned dark. ‘I don’t blame myself. I blame you.’

He turned and walked away.

At first I thought he expected me to follow him, but he didn’t look back to check on me. I watched as he walked back down the Promenade, shoulders hunched against the wind. I could almost imagine it was Alex walking away from me but in that little scenario she would be going to buy some takeaway hot chocolate so we could sit on a bench like that old couple. She would hurry back and we would snuggle close to keep warm.

The movie in my head came to an abrupt halt.

She. The Alex in my daydream had been a
she
. Not my Alex, the boy I’d fallen in love with.

I sat on the bench recently vacated by the old couple. They’d probably gone home to watch Midsomer Murders and have a slice of lemon drizzle cake.

I stared out to sea as the sun went down. It got colder and colder. I took off my hat and gloves and let the coldness nip at my ears and fingers. Before long
I was completely alone, apart from the occasional cyclist hurtling along the Promenade. I thought about Alex and Jamie and Astrid and Sergeant Tanaka and back to Alex. It always came back to Alex.

My phone rang and my numb fingers struggled to get it out of my pocket. It was Mum, wondering where I’d got to. Worrying, as usual. I said I was on my way home, and she really didn’t have anything to worry about. I was a big girl and could take care of myself. The silence on the other end of the line told me exactly what Mum thought of that. ‘Do you feel a bit better though?’

‘Yes, I think I do.’ And strangely enough, that was true.

I felt better now I had a plan.

*

After an evening of carb overload and rusty piano-playing, sneaking out of the house was surprisingly easy. Mum could sleep through the zombie apocalypse so I didn’t have to worry about creaking stairs or anything (mostly because we lived in a bungalow). I’d gone to the trouble of arranging some pillows under my duvet to look like a sleeping me, just in case she got up to check on me later. I think I only did that because that’s what people do on TV; there was no way my mother would ever be fooled.

The only other person on the top deck of the bus was a snoring middle-aged man in a black suit and black tie, with a black overcoat on the seat next to him. I sat four seats behind him and watched his head loll from side to side and occasionally jerk upright before lolling again. He’d been at a funeral, that was my guess. No one in his immediate family, but someone close enough to make him want to drink far too much at the wake. Maybe an unrequited love from years ago. He’d probably been meaning to drive home but some sensible person had confiscated his car keys and packed him on to the bus.

I got off the bus on Princes Street. The white lights on the trees were still sparkling and the castle looked like something out of a film set. Everything was closed and there were only a few people around. I walked fast to try and keep warm but by the time I got there my teeth were chattering. There was a light on in the front room – the living room.

I keyed in the number and sent a text message:
I’m outside
.

I didn’t have to wait long for a reply:
You shouldn’t be here. I’m not allowed to talk to you
.

I texted back:
This won’t take long
.

No reply. I waited underneath a lamp post, thinking about Mr Tumnus and lions and witches and
wardrobes. I jumped up and down a few times to try to get some feeling back into my legs. I checked the time on my phone. 12.31.

At 12.37 I resigned myself to the fact that this had been a waste of time. At least I’d tried. I started trudging back up the hill towards town and I was about to cross the road when I heard her calling my name in that quiet half-shout people do when they don’t want to draw attention to themselves.

I walked towards her. Her arms were crossed and her hair was damp and slicked back like she’d just got out of the shower. She looked so different to my Alex with her hair like that. You could really see her face. She was wearing a big coat that looked like it might belong to her dad. Underneath that there were a pair of striped pyjama bottoms and hi-top Converse with the laces trailing on the ground.

I wasn’t prepared for the shock of being face-to-face with her. To see those features that I knew so well, those eyes I’d spent hours gazing into, that mouth I’d kissed. The pain was almost too much to bear. But there was something else, lurking behind the pain … Was it relief?

‘Hi,’ I said. I stared at her shoes. Our matching Converse. We’d sat on a bench in Princes Street Gardens one Saturday and I’d taken a picture of our
feet. I’d texted it to Alex that night, saying we were ‘solemates’. I’d thought I was so clever.

‘Hi,’ she said, eyes on the pavement. She waited for me to say something then shook her head when the silence went on for too long. ‘Listen, whatever it is you have to say you’d better be quick. Mum and Dad would freak if they knew you were here.’

‘Same here. Well, I mean, my mum would freak. My dad wouldn’t even … Um … How are you?’ Our breath formed icy clouds as we spoke. We weren’t standing close enough for the clouds to mingle.

Finally she looked me in the eyes. ‘I’ve got court in the morning.’ That didn’t answer my question but told me everything I needed to know. ‘Why are you here?’

‘I wanted to ask you something.’ She waited. ‘I … Oh God, it seems stupid now. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come. I’m just going to go. Forget I was here, OK?’

She sighed. ‘You’re here now so you might as well just spit it out.’ Her voice was softer, but still impatient.

‘I … wanted to know why you did it.’

‘Did what?’ But I could tell from the look in her eyes that she knew what I was talking about.

‘Why you let me think you were a boy. You
knew I liked you, didn’t you? Before we even met, I mean.’

Alex sighed again and for a second I thought she wasn’t going to answer. She looked up at the sky before her gaze locked on to mine. ‘I didn’t think it was possible that someone like you would like someone like me. And I didn’t think it was possible for me to like you either.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you’re a girl.’ She said this so quietly I wondered if I’d misheard.

This made no sense whatsoever. ‘So you’re not …?’

‘
Gay?
It’s OK, you know. You can say the word. It’s not going to infect you or anything.’ She didn’t say this with spite or venom – more a sort of weary sadness. ‘I don’t know what I am. And I honestly don’t even care anymore. Straight or gay or bi or whatever, people can think what they want. What does it matter, anyway? People are people.’ This sounded rehearsed, like something she’d been telling herself over and over again.

Alex was right: people
are
people. And people deserve to be told the truth about what they were getting themselves into. ‘You could have told me though. That you weren’t a boy.’

‘Yeah, cos that’s really easy to slip into the
conversation. Not awkward at all.’ And there it was, a tiniest hint of the smile I’d loved.

‘You should have told me.’ The tiny smile was gone.

‘I know.’ Very matter of fact.

‘I can’t believe you went to all that effort. It must have been stressful.’ Such a banal thing to say.

Alex shrugged. ‘It’s amazing the things you’ll do when you’re …’ She looked down and some of her hair fell in front of her eyes. And just like that
my
Alex was standing in front of me.

‘When you’re what?’ My throat felt like it was closing up, trying to stop me from asking the question.

Alex’s eyes met mine and I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to. ‘When you’re in love.’

I’d known, I suppose. Of course I’d known. Love makes people do crazy things. Once you’ve found it you’ll do anything in your power to keep it. I knew because I’d felt the same way. I blinked hard in an effort not to cry.