A Mother's Secret (22 page)

“Carolyn?”
Mamm
stood in the doorway. “I thought I heard you. What are you doing up? It’s the middle of the night.”

“I can’t sleep.” Carolyn leaned against the sink.

“Sit.”
Mamm
sat at the kitchen table. “Let’s talk.”

Carolyn sank into a chair across from her, bent her arm on the table, and lowered her chin onto her palm. “I’ve been trying to fall asleep for hours, but I can’t turn off my thoughts. I was hoping the warm milk would help, but I’m still wide awake. I couldn’t even finish the mug.”

“What’s bothering you?”
Mamm
reached out and took Carolyn’s free hand in hers. “What is it,
mei liewe
?”

Carolyn blew out a sigh and felt tears forming. “Sometimes
I get tired of feeling inferior to every other
maedel
in the community.”

“What do you mean?”
Mamm
looked confused. “Why would you feel inferior?”

“I’m thirty-one and not married, and I had a
kind
out of wedlock when I was sixteen. That mistake will haunt me for the rest of my life.” Carolyn sniffed and wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “I love my son with my whole heart, but sometimes the consequences of what I did are difficult to bear.”

“Now wait a minute.”
Mamm
tapped her fingers on the table. “You were forgiven by God and the community. In fact, you didn’t even have to confess to the church because you made the mistake before you were baptized. Everything was washed clean with your baptism, so you have no reason to feel as if you’re still being punished for your mistake.”

Carolyn shook her head. “It’s not that simple.”

Her mother studied her. “What happened today?”

Carolyn paused, wondering how she could admit to her mother that she agreed to see Saul but had feelings for Joshua. Saying it out loud would make her sound like a terrible person, and she was too embarrassed to admit the truth to her mother.

“Does this have something to do with the conversation you had with Barbie Glick today? You looked upset when we were carrying in the empty plates. You promised you would tell me what she said, but we didn’t get a chance to talk when we got home.”

Carolyn nodded. “
Ya
, this has everything to do with Barbie Glick. She asked me if I like her son, and she warned me to stay away from him.”

Mamm’s
eyes widened with shock. “Why would she say that?”

Carolyn studied the tabletop. “She saw me talking to Josh. I told her we’re only
freinden
, but she acted like she didn’t believe me. She said Josh is seeing someone else and I need to stay away.”

“And this bothers you.”
Mamm
filled in the blanks.

Carolyn’s tears flowed as she looked up at her mother. “
Ya
, it does, because I do like him. I like him a lot.”

“What about Saul?”

“Saul is a
gut
man, and I do like him. But, at the same time, he’s also an easy solution to a much deeper problem. And the problem is facing my past. I don’t think Josh has realized that I’m Ben’s
mamm
. I think he assumes I’m his
aenti
and Amos is his
dat
.”

“Carolyn,”
Mamm
began, leaning in and taking both of her hands. “Why haven’t you told Josh the truth?”

“Because then he won’t like me. The only people who accept me are the ones who already know the truth. I’ve spent my whole adult life apologizing to people when they find out. I can’t imagine what Joshua would say if I told him now that we’ve already become
freinden
. It’s too late, and it will change everything.” Carolyn’s voice was thick as she fought the lump forming in her throat. She longed to temper her emotion, but she couldn’t fight it. She cared for Joshua and didn’t want to lose him.

“Oh,
mei liewe
.”
Mamm’s
eyes glistened with tears, causing Carolyn’s tears to sprinkle down her hot cheeks. “You’re too hard on yourself. You’re already forgiven. In the book of 1 John, it says, ‘I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.’ You’re forgiven, Carolyn. Now you need to forgive yourself.”

Carolyn shook her head. “It’s not that simple. I’ve spent
the last fifteen years of my life dealing with accusing stares and whispers. That’s why I’ve never been able to date anyone.”

“That’s not true.” Her mother tapped the table for emphasis. “I told you that you could go to the youth gatherings, but you refused to go. You could’ve gone and been with your
freinden
.”

“I never would have felt right about leaving
mei boppli
with you. Ben was always my responsibility, and you’ve always worked hard to take care of our family.”

Mamm
sighed. “I’ve told you a thousand times that I consider Ben to be one of mine because he’s yours. Your youth is gone, but you can go to the singles’ group now and meet more people your age if you want to.” She paused. “But, again, what about Saul? Amos told me that you’re getting to know Saul better. Do you want to date him?”

Carolyn nodded. “
Ya
, I do, but it’s for practical reasons. He’s a
gut dat
, and he can provide for Ben and me. He knows Ben is my
kind
, and he still would consider marrying me. He’d treat me well, but I don’t have feelings for him like I do for Josh.”

“You’re not attracted to him.” Her mother completed the thought.

“Exactly.”

“Sometimes love and attraction can be a product of mutual respect and friendship,” her mother said.

“I’ve heard that before, but I want a marriage like you and
Dat
built.” Carolyn gestured around the kitchen. “You love each other. I want to feel that exciting rush of new love. If I married Saul, it would only be so Emma has a
mamm
and Ben has a
dat
. Saul would want Ben to be his apprentice and work for him in his shop. Ben loves the horse farm. He doesn’t want to work in a cabinet shop.”

Carolyn grabbed a napkin from the holder in the middle of the table and began to shred it as she spoke. “I don’t want a marriage because it is the practical thing to do. I want a marriage based on love. And I want to get to know Josh because I think I could fall in love with him. He’s handsome, funny, smart, and kind. He’s treated Ben with more respect in the past few weeks than Ben has ever gotten from Amos or his cousins. But now Barbie has told me to stay away from Joshua, and Saul wants me to date him. To make it even more difficult, I feel sorry for Emma. She desperately needs a
mutter
, and she seems to have latched onto me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused.” She buried her face in her hands as bewilderment stole over her.

“Carolyn, you need to calm down. You can have everything you’ve dreamt of. You’re not too old to find love. You can’t let one mistake color your whole life. Ben wasn’t planned, but he’s a
wunderbaar bu
. He’s kind and thoughtful.”
Mamm
took Carolyn’s hands in hers again. “We’ve all forgiven you and embraced Ben. Now you need to forgive yourself.”

Carolyn took another napkin and wiped her eyes. “Okay. I’ll try.” She paused while remembering the conversation with Barbie. “That’s not all Barbie said. When she warned me to stay away from Josh, she also said that the woman he’s getting to know is Lena Esh and he may date her. I couldn’t help feeling jealous, but I also get the feeling that Josh likes me more than Lena. He didn’t seem to want to talk to Lena today, but he talked to me and joked with me for a few minutes when he was getting his lunch.”

“You should trust your instincts. And don’t let Barbie Glick get to you. Josh is a grown man, and I doubt Barbie is able to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If you feel
that Josh might like you, then see where your friendship may lead.” She then frowned. “Saul is also a good man, and you need to be honest with him. You can’t keep him hanging on if you’re not sure.”

“Okay.” Carolyn yawned and then stood. “I have a lot to think about. I’m going to go pray about it.”

“That’s a
gut
idea.” Her mother picked up the lantern and then looped an arm around Carolyn’s shoulder. “
Ich liebe dich
.”

“I love you too,
Mamm
.
Danki
.” Carolyn made her way to her room, where she prayed for guidance and strength until she fell asleep.

Joshua made eggs, hash browns, and bacon for breakfast while he watched the sun rise out the kitchen window. He yawned and cupped his hand to his mouth. He’d spent a good portion of the night lying awake in bed and thinking about Carolyn. He had enjoyed their brief encounter yesterday at the barn raising. In fact, he had hoped to see her again, but the opportunity never presented itself. She was already gone when he finished helping frame the barn. He’d gone looking for her, and Ben told him that his family had already packed up and left. Joshua had longed to at least tell her good-bye, but he missed his chance to see her once more before the end of the day.

Joshua piled the delicious-smelling breakfast food on his plate, and his stomach growled. He slowly ate while contemplating the barn raising. He was irked when his mother brought Lena over to see him and forced him into a discussion with her. The conversation was awkward at best. He couldn’t help but think
that he enjoyed a more riveting conversation with the tabby cat that meowed incessantly whenever he went into the barn. Lena only wanted to discuss recipes, which didn’t interest him at all. The only recipes he cared about were the ones he could whip up quickly himself.

When he spotted Carolyn handing out drinks, he rushed through the line, and his pulse sped up when he finally stood beside her. When he asked her if she’d splash him with the water, he prayed his attempt at humor wouldn’t fall flat. He was pleasantly surprised when she responded with a witty quip in return. He was mesmerized by both her looks and her sense of humor. He wondered why his mother couldn’t see how appealing Carolyn was.

Joshua sighed as he scooped more potatoes into his mouth. He knew why his mother preferred Lena. It was because she was soft-spoken and compliant, the opposite of Hannah. Yet Joshua had always admired Hannah’s spark. Although Carolyn shared a similar spark, she had something more—a contagious sense of humor that kept him both laughing and guessing. He never knew what she would say next, and he enjoyed the spontaneity of their conversations. She talked about more than recipes, and she seemed to really listen to him. Carolyn seemed to be his perfect match, and his mother needed to accept that.

Joshua had to find a way to get his mother to stay out of his life without alienating her. He knew she was hurting after losing Gideon and the
grandkinner
, but it wasn’t her place to choose the woman he would date and possibly marry.

He froze in his seat when he realized what he’d just been contemplating—dating and possibly getting married. For years he thought he was too busy working on the farm to date, but
now he was considering getting to know a woman for whom he truly cared. The idea of getting married astounded him. For the last year, he never believed he would get married because he didn’t think he’d ever love anyone the way he loved Hannah. He was surprised to find these feelings for Carolyn seemed stronger than anything he’d ever felt for Hannah. Were his feelings for Hannah real or were they more like an infatuation? She’d never reciprocated the feelings he had for her. Perhaps that meant they never were anything more than a crush. True love was reciprocated, and he had the overwhelming feeling that Carolyn cared about him as much as he cared about her.

Joshua let those ideas roll around in his mind while he finished his breakfast. After washing the dishes and placing them in the drain board, he poured himself another cup of coffee and stared out the window, considering what it would be like to have a family. He believed that his big old house would feel warm and comfortable if he weren’t in it alone. As much as he loved the farm, it was lonely when Benjamin and Daniel weren’t there. Sharing the house and farm with a woman whom he loved would be the answer to a prayer he’d suppressed for years. It would make his house a real home.

Joshua finished the coffee and then washed the mug. He suddenly noticed that he was cleaning up after himself, something he didn’t do every day. Instead, he normally let the utensils, plates, and cups pile up and took care of them when the cabinets were bare. He knew why he was cleaning up; it was in case Carolyn came by for a visit. He didn’t want her to think he was a lazy pig who ignored his housework and expected his mother to handle all the indoor chores for him.

He glanced at the calendar on the wall and wondered what
Carolyn was doing. Since it was Friday, she would be working at the hotel. The idea of Carolyn working in the same place that had inspired Hannah to leave the church caused his stomach to roil. He couldn’t imagine losing Carolyn the same way he lost Hannah. The idea of another heartbreak scared him. Maybe he should simply repress the feelings he had for her, let go of the crazy notion that Carolyn would date him. Even if she did, he’d run the risk of losing her to the
English
world because of her working in that hotel.