A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (11 page)

Read A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Online

Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

 
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without any jargon or fancy talk. It simply states that the person agrees not to hurt herself or himself. It usually includes a list of at least three people who agree to take calls if thoughts of suicide become strong.
Therapists generally ask adolescents to list three responsible adults, not peers. The contract should be short and to the point. It shouldn't present a burdensome view of life. It is presented in order to give hope for leaving the safety of the hospital walls.
When my daughter was getting ready to come home after her stay in a crisis unit, I had two additional issues that I needed in the contract to feel safe. I said I preferred that she have no contact with her friend who was suicidal and refusing treatment; if she couldn't agree to that, I asked her to limit contact to three ten-minute phone calls per week. You may wonder how I arrived at any kind of decision about limiting contact. We all know that forbidding anything can really make a teenager hell-bent on breaking the rule. I talked with several of the therapists and the head nurse on the crisis unit and decided that limited contact might be okay because it wasn't "The Big No," but it also wasn't enough time for them to get into endless discussions of unresolvable problems, or as Rachel later put it, of nailing Jell-O to a tree.
 
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After some initial resistance, my daughter agreed to this on a trial basis. It helped that I put the emphasis on the fact that experts say suicidal people shouldn't be around other suicidal people. I took the decision-making away from us and said, "Give yourself a chance to get better and follow their advice for a while." The other thing I asked her to put in the contract is still in force. No horror movies. Many of the images she was dreaming and hallucinating came from horror movies. I'm not saying the horror movies caused her suicidal fantasies, but they gave her visual images that expressed her emotional pain. When she saw certain imagespeople stabbing themselves, for exampleall the emotional pain came back.
You may write this contract with your teenager and a therapist, or you may do it on your own without a therapist but make sure it gets done. If the treatment center overlooks this activity, don't let it slip by. Take care of it yourself.
Give Your Teenager Words of Hope
It is important for you to state your faith in your child's recovery. If you don't believe in it, who will? You are your child's best source of hope. Even if you are scared, express your hope in words you can honestly say. For example, "I know you want to have a good life, and I support you in your search."
 
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"You can choose to work through your issues." "You can learn to control your thoughts." It is also important to say you will support your son or daughter returning to the hospital if need be. Write down the hospital's crisis number and say it is okay if they put it in their wallet and call from anywhere. It is going to be terrifying to leave the security of the hospital.
You might ask the responsible adults on the contract to look for positive changes and give your child feedback now and then for the "good stuff" they see happening.
Learn about Things to Do When Images of Suicide Appear
This kind of talking is different from the contract talk. The contract is a commitment. A "Things to Do" list involves a wide range of choices, depending on the day. When depressive or self-destructive images appear, it is important to learn how to change the movie being played in our minds. We can choose to change what we are thinking about. Some activities help us change the movie: exercise, listening to peaceful music, going out and renting a comedy. The following list, adapted from T
he Courage to Heal,
can get you started talking with your teenager about a list of options.
1
 
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Things to Do When I'm Desperate . . .
·
Breathe.
·
Put on a relaxation tape.
·
Call Natalie.
·
Call Vicki if Natalie's not home. Keep calling down my list of support people. (Put their names and numbers here.)
·
Eat Kraft macaroni and cheese. (Not an option for a person with an eating disorder.)
·
Start again at the top.
When my daughter and I talked about this list, she laughed at the idea of macaroni and cheese. She loves it, although I usually encourage her to eat something more wholesome. So she loved the idea of a list that gave her permission to indulge in a favorite food.
The treatment center may also give your teenager a list of things to do when he or she starts to get down. It may include suggestions like "Keep a list of people you can call by the phone," or "Don't stuff feelings."
Even though you put energy into establishing these guidelines, you can expect to have much anxiety and fear on the day your son or daughter comes home. It is helpful to act as if you have hope even when you are filled with fear. It is helpful to remember to breathe, to find the place in yourself that believes in this person's recovery. Say

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